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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you move to America if you were me?

450 replies

BenDuck · 20/08/2017 19:35

DP is from the US and we have talked for a while about going to live there (East coast) and the conversations are now getting more serious, he is starting to look for jobs etc. I'm still feeling really conflicted though. Part of me wants to, mostly because I fucking HATE brexit and like to be away from it all but also because we would be able to afford a really lovely house there. There is loads of stuff that bothers me though- having to drive everywhere, lower food standards, Trump.
I also worry about my position legally. I'm currently a SAHM but earn a little doing evening work (that I wouldn't be able to do there) so would be v reliant on DH. Esp. as would be hard to get a working visa. I worry about what would happen were we to divorce- would I be stuck there unable to bring DC back to UK (they have dual citizenship)?
Anyone been in a similar boat???

OP posts:
Sarahsue1 · 30/08/2017 03:27

@newbian thanks but i just smile and keep saying 'hi how are you' to every stranger i meet and it's all great because no one in america knows what they mean when they say hi how are you it's just a long way of saying HELLO. Ps seriously, how are you? Biscuit

mathanxiety · 30/08/2017 03:35

I am baffled about the chippiness wrt 'Hi, how are you?' It's pretty harmless in itself, and beneath it there lies a very important community spirit, with people looking out for each other and tolerant of each other to a degree that would probably be impossible in more stand-offish cultures or cultures where people seem terribly suspicious of each other and negative about children and teens.

As Pallisers notes, snow shovelling for neighbours, sharing garden produce (or eggs if neighbours have hens) are not unusual gestures. Is America the only place where open plan, fenceless, wall-less front gardens could ever be conceived and found pretty much everywhere there are houses?

I recall being on a thread where others were incredulous that my neighbours and I don't bat an eyelid at allowing other people's children to climb a fence in the back garden to retrieve balls or shuttlecocks or whatever else flies over, whenever they need their stuff back, and we don't mind throwing back items we find out in the back either.

newbian · 30/08/2017 04:01

mathanxiety when we bought our home in London I insisted on going around to introduce ourselves to the neighbors. Some saw us coming and closed the blinds to pretend they weren't home. Others acted shocked and said "You're definitely not from around here, are you."

In the US we all knew our neighbors and in fact more often they would come to introduce themselves to the new family who'd moved in, not the other way around.

I don't get hating a culture for being nice to strangers...it's bizarre.

Sarahsue1 · 30/08/2017 04:02

@mathanxiety WHAT are you talking about - other cultures that 'seem suspicious of others'?! You live in a place where police shoot women for approaching them, where people need guns to feel safe and where violence is a kneejerk reaction to many. It's so interesting to see on here how Americans cannot see what others see. How it's fucking patronising and idiotic and superficial to use 'how are you' even though you don't really mean how are you. And all the other things i just mentioned. Not every person in a place so vast is like this but please seriously stop being so defensive - america is renowned for being superficial - or at least coming across that way. Google it.

Sarahsue1 · 30/08/2017 04:04

@newbian so you could bring me freshly baked cookies and want to act neighbourly but you also could have a gun and accidentally shoot me if you thought i was an intruder. There are many good things about the US but many other things wrong with it. Don't get it twisted.

newbian · 30/08/2017 04:11

Sarahsue1 as we say in the US about people like you, "bless your heart." Biscuit

Sarahsue1 · 30/08/2017 04:16

That's a good phrase for you @newbian. A meaningless gesture where you probably don't understand what it means but think it sounds cute in absence of a comprehensive response. I'm actually at the airport about to go to LA but I'd close my blinds if you were outside my house too Cake

SenecaFalls · 30/08/2017 05:10

The "how are you" culture is not superficial. If you want to see the depth of its authenticity, look at Houston and all the ordinary people saving complete strangers at great risk to their own lives.

newbian · 30/08/2017 05:18

Oh I'm sorry Sarahsue how do you respond to someone saying that you might shoot them? Get a clue...you're rude. You got a rude response back. Enjoy my beautiful country but maybe check your attitude.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2017 05:25

WHAT are you talking about - other cultures that 'seem suspicious of others'?!

...so you could bring me freshly baked cookies and want to act neighbourly but you also could have a gun and accidentally shoot me if you thought i was an intruder.

I rest my case.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2017 05:42

You live in a place where police shoot women for approaching them, where people need guns to feel safe and where violence is a kneejerk reaction to many.

I don't actually. I live in a place where people of both sexes and all ages are free to walk around at night, where there is next to no graffiti because if it appears the police send someone around to scrub it away, where there is great public transport, and where I often do not lock either my car or my home, even at night. It is a very diverse community in every respect.

I am not denying there are some loons in the vast territory that is the US, or that there are serious problems in policing in some places, but I am not sure why you can't understand that the vast majority of places where people live in the US are not strife-torn hotbeds full of gun-toting gang-bangers or NRA members.

And for the life of me I cannot understand why you are so angry about 'Hi, how are you?' It's a little piece of American vernacular, and it's no more odd or off or inappropriate than 'How do you do?' What calibre of a suspicious and stand-offish mind does it take to turn an innocuous greeting into proof that Americans are fucking patronising and idiotic and superficial?

(And what do you think 'How do you do?' means?)

mathanxiety · 30/08/2017 05:49

Newbian - yyy to neighbours calling around to welcome newcomers to a street. We were greeted by an older lady the day we moved into our former home, bearing a full evening meal and a plate of brownies. She said 'Hi, how are you?' when we opened the door the bitch. We had no choice but to answer it as we had no blinds or curtains up yet, to hide behind. Good thing my weapon was still packed with the saucepans or I would have shot her on the spot.

The other neighbours all appeared during the following week, with food. Same happened when I had both of the babies who were born at that address. We were fed for a fortnight each time. Little idiotic, patronising details that make the world go round...

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 14:00

I don't actually. I live in a place where people of both sexes and all ages are free to walk around at night, where there is next to no graffiti because if it appears the police send someone around to scrub it away, where there is great public transport, and where I often do not lock either my car or my home, even at night. It is a very diverse community in every respect.

Me too - and I think I live at the other side of the country to Math. Ditto the neighbourly spirit which is helpful and supportive without being intrusive.

I'd be a bit worried about the poster who demands utter sincerity in a standard greeting/salutation - it must be a stressful old life - like every time someone says "goodbye" they don't actually mean "god be with you" the fakey bastards.

There is lots to critisise in the US - but the cheery greetings and the incredible community spirit wouldn't be where I'd start.

SenecaFalls · 30/08/2017 14:09

There is lots to critisise in the US - but the cheery greetings and the incredible community spirit wouldn't be where I'd start.

Absolutely. I was thinking about this last night watching the coverage of Hurricane Harvey. In the last couple of weeks we have seen the worst that some in the US are capable of in Charlottesville, and the very best of what I hope most of us are, in Houston.

BeALert · 30/08/2017 15:14

What calibre of a suspicious and stand-offish mind does it take to turn an innocuous greeting into proof that Americans are fucking patronising and idiotic and superficial?

I wish I had this kind of eloquence. Yes!

Deathraystare · 30/08/2017 15:30

I think you would have to think really carefully. Not just lower standards in food but the health services and the law are (trying to be polite) somewhat different

finderkeeper · 30/08/2017 15:32

When I had ds we got brought lunch and dinner for a month.

When one of the local lobster guys had a horrific accident we as a community have paid his bills, fed him, chopped his wood, helped pay his healthcare bills.

When it snows, people who can't shovel themselves out never have to pay anyone to do it.

When we lost power for a week over Christmas when ds was a newborn we showered and got fed in total strangers houses.

I could go on for hours. It's anything but fake.

And you thinking people are superficial and fake makes me think you've never been to Maine at least. People are very stoic and utterly genuine. Not the tiniest shred of fake.

And as I keep bloody saying, the States is massive. Maine on its own is as big as Portugal. Stop.fucking.generalising!

finderkeeper · 30/08/2017 15:34

Lower standards in food? Everything we eat is organic and local and way cheaper than the UK. Hmm

I wish people would stop bloody commenting when they haven't the first clue.

alltouchedout · 30/08/2017 15:40

One of my best friends moved to the US from the UK 14 years ago. The things that really bother her are
-healthcare. She says she will never get used to the lack of the NHS and the cost of insurance and the complexity of dealing with the system.
-gun culture.
-racism and race relations. She's no idiot, she knows there is racism in the UK and everywhere else. But she tells me that, in the areas she's been in anyway, it is a whole different ball game in the US.

There are other things she complains about, but the above are the things that really bother her. And of course, there are many things she loves, otherwise she wouldn't have been there so long (although she and her family have looked into moving here many many times and have always concluded they'd really like to, but her husband would not get a job that affords them a similar standard of living).

Ansumpasty · 30/08/2017 16:14

I'd move there tomorrow if I could, but then I love America and wouldn't let Trump ruin that for me.

Go for it!

Sarahsue1 · 30/08/2017 16:14

Agree re the legal system - steven avery (making of a murderer), corrupt system - no such thing as 'not guilty' in america - very disturbing. Molly Martens family handing out flyers around Washington this wknd claiming 'self-defence is not a crime' (answer for everything in America e.g. Trigger happy gun culture excuse). Mayweather convicted of assaulting women is allowed to box and earn millions - money talks more than anything. Kathy Griffin crying on tv with a script written by her lawyer proving victim culture is alive and well in the states - people respond well to it. Racist police shooting for no reason. Millions of chronically obese people (i would not want my dc to ever think this is ok i wouldn't want them to end up this way). Plastic surgery everywhere - the big fake boobs that stand out a mile when americans leave america and many of them don't understand how disturbing it is they genuinely think they look nice - in certain states it's more 'norm' to get surgery than not. Again would NOT want my dd raised around this. I could go on but i won't because how can you argue with charlottesville (in what other place would those ignorant animals thrive?!) and trump (king of the freaks) is president so i don't care and am just glad i don't have to stay there. American culture doesn't appeal to me and no amount of friendly neighbours who want to make me a dinner or whatever will change that. Ever.

DeliveredByKiki · 30/08/2017 16:38

crikey there's a lot of anger and vitriol on this thread, interesting to see responses coming from people who've actually lived in the US compared to those who "google"

I live in LA and I normally spend a lot of my time disparaging the US but this thread has def made me want to defend my actual experience of living here.

Obviously so much of it depends where you live (now that the threads seems to have moved off the specifics of OP"s potential destination). Where I live everyone is a liberal and a democrat, I know nobody who owns a gun, community spirit (food trains for ill, elderly and new parents, greeting people as you walk past them in the street, lending neighbours tools and ladders etc) and political activism is strong, everyone is friendly and no not in a superficial way. It actually took me a while to understand the cultural nuances and differences but something that Americans have which I will eventually take home is a can-do attitude - yes sometimes this manifests into an "I'm alright Jack" state of mind - but actually living in a city full of freelancers working incredibly hard every day to get the next job, I've found nothing but helpfulness, people will ask what you need and if they can't provide it they'll pass you onto someone they hope will. You're expected to ask for what you want and not to be offended if someone genuinely can't help you - there's none of the pussyfooting apologetic nature of asking for help you get in the UK and therefore none of the feelings of personal attacks if you're rejected.

Yes health insurance is a pain and added expense (actually a LOT of things are a lot more expensive for us here, especially food - a pain considering most of our fruit and veg comes from within a 50mile radius but that's the hipster tax for you I suppose) but if you can get a decent coverage from your company it helps.

There are def things that frustrate and annoy me - I don't watch American news because it always sounds like a bad advert for an action movie, a lot of children are mismanaged and run riot in places with no discipline and don't have the same manners British children tend to, cost of decent food IS high (and because of the frankly disturbing farming practises I do pay the extra to make sure the food we buy is reputable, humane and sustainable).

Believe me - for every misconceptions about America and it's citizens, you can bet your bottom dollar they have the same about the British, so for those on the thread intent on US-bashing and being offended at those of us who defend the country we live in, just know that we frequently do the same the other way around. Defending one country over the other isn't saying it's better - but you can't actually compare living experiences with what you read on the internet about America's reputation.

SenecaFalls · 30/08/2017 16:41

no such thing as 'not guilty' in america

I do realize that you are just trying to be intentionally goady, but this is a spectacularly ignorant remark.

Sarahsue1 · 30/08/2017 16:51

@senecafalls no I'm not trying to be intentionally goady, this is my opinion - I don't care if it is goady or not. Yes obviously technically there will be 'not guilty' verdicts but overall I find the US justice system a farce. And comical unless you are one of the poor victims actually caught up in it. Actually when I watched coverage of the martens trial the prosecutor actually cried during a tv interview - I can't take this seriously. Great result but then you go and discredit yourself with the water works - a professional middle aged man. I have also lived in New York and loved it - agree you can't over generalise as many different regions in the states but just no. No thanks. i think I should sign off this thread now because someone just when I asked for something in my English accent said in California drawl 'waaaaait. Whaaaaaaat? I don't get it' insert blank thick face. So I've wound myself up by saying what I think out loud. Last point re plastic surgery - if u look up on instagram some of the popular American surgeons and look at the comments from young girls 'I love you' 'omg I need this in my life ur my hero' '360 gummy bear silicone implants omg YAAYYY' you can see why I don't want to raise a young woman in America. Cringe. Ok I'm off ✌️

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