Would you move to America if you were me?

[BenDuck]

DP is from the US and we have talked for a while about going to live there (East coast) and the conversations are now getting more serious, he is starting to look for jobs etc. I'm still feeling really conflicted though. Part of me wants to, mostly because I fucking HATE brexit and like to be away from it all but also because we would be able to afford a really lovely house there. There is loads of stuff that bothers me though- having to drive everywhere, lower food standards, Trump.
I also worry about my position legally. I'm currently a SAHM but earn a little doing evening work (that I wouldn't be able to do there) so would be v reliant on DH. Esp. as would be hard to get a working visa. I worry about what would happen were we to divorce- would I be stuck there unable to bring DC back to UK (they have dual citizenship)?
Anyone been in a similar boat???

To be fair, I think drink driving was one of our governors' pet causes. Not the current one he's all about opioid abuse but drink driving is met with HUGE penalties, including an Interlock being installed on your personal car so that you have to do a Breathalyzer test every time you start your car and it won't start if you're over .05%.

And yet I still know people who will go to the bar, drink, and drive home.

piglover maybe it's just around here but I've had to really bite my tongue with colleagues over drink driving. They say they have no choice as they have to travel further to bars/restaurants here but in the UK everything is closer together. To me there is always a choice - if you drink you don't drive. I don't know what the penalties are in NH.

Kursk we're here for 2 years. How about you?

Our #1 criteria when looking at houses in the burbs was the ability to walk to/from a bar. So many people drink drive but it is declining as the police crack down.

The police here don't give a shit unless you have an accident.

"Keep the car on the tar" is the local saying.

Wow - there have certainly been a lot of sweeping generalizations about the US on this thread! The United Kingdom is just over half as big as California. And there's a huge amount of country to the east of California. I'm certain you would hate if people assumed everyone in the United Kingdom behaved exactly the same and thought exactly the same and lived exactly the same - but so many people (not all, but many) on this thread are acting as if Americans and all of America are identical. I've lived in California, Oregon, Nevada, Pennsylvania and Georgia - in big cities and small towns. I currently live in Idaho. They're all completely different from each other. Cost of living, schools, extracurricular activities, diversity or lack of the same, driving skills or lack of the same, food (and yes, we do import fruit and veggies - I'm not sure why someone up thread thought we don't), religious beliefs, and on and on and on.

Except for the non-stop negative news coverage, Trump has not really affected my day to day life. And I rarely notice guns even in red-state Idaho - although I can't say never. If you are living in a larger city, there is definitely good public transportation. I would say that holds true especially in the northeast. But we do love our cars - and they are indispensable in the bigger western states.

One generalization I have found to be true is that Americans are friendly and open for the most part. If you do decide to move here, I think you'll find people to be approachable and helpful. (Of course, not having lived in Massachusetts, I can't guarantee that! My couple of trips to Boston haven't led me to believe otherwise, though.) I've been to all 50 states and while I might not want to live in most of them (mostly because of weather issues!), I have enjoyed the people I have met. Just like I have enjoyed the people I have met in other countries, lest you think I am one of those Americans who "never travel".

Betsyboo87

We have been here nearly 4 years, and it's a one way move for us. Life is so much better here than the UK.

And strictly speaking at least the majority of the US voted for Hillary. The majority of the UK voted for Brexit ffs.

IdahoGal it was me who suggested they don't import. I can only buy corn for 2 months of the year and it drives me crazy!

I maybe sound a bit negative but you do tend to hang on to the downsides of living abroad. In reality it's been an amazing experience that I don't regret for one minute. That said, we have a 2 year get out clause so I'd say that the OP really needs to think long and hard about making the move - especially if she's already asking what would happen if they divorced.....

@Want2bSupermum - where are you in the US?

We were told a prenup and post nup are given the same weight, which is minor at best. It was my MIL who wanted it in there and I was fine with it being included. No court here will keep a parent from making a living. I'm good friends with a divorce attorney and have spoken to her at length about what could happen if DH ran off with someone else. She was very clear that it would not be insurmountable for me to move back to the UK and DH would be expected to pay for flights back and forth etc. Our situation is a little different though because DH is a very high earner and we had significant savings before we bought our second home. Hiring an excellent legal team is an option for me too because I've kept working and run a business in the U.K. where I could draw down on my own money if needed.

I'm in a very red, southern state. I don't know if that's what makes a difference. And of course if I'd realized, I would never have moved in the first place. If I had a green card now, I would not at all be against staying here, as I have built a support network purposefully.

I was told that if it goes to court (i.e. mediation fails, and STBX refuses there to allow DS to leave), I would need to show a huge stack of applications for jobs showing I tried to get my own work visa to stay. But trying to find an employer to sponsor me after a 5 year career break, that's a whole other kettle of fish.

OP - I might have missed it, but I'm unclear on whether you have a green card or US citizenship through your DH. If you do, that would put you on a better footing at least if you did end up stuck in the US in the event of a split. As I said, I'd be happy to stay where I am if I knew I had the permanent right to work and live in the US. Even if I found an employer with sponsorship now, I'd end up right back in the same boat if I lost my job later on.

You can only buy corn for two months of the year, Betsyboo87?!

That seems VERY unusual. Corn's definitely a year round staple in NJ, though of course it's best right about now.

What are your relationships like here with family and close friends etc?

I think I would go for it as a bit of an adventure and try to throw myself into it. Maybe say to your husband you will go on a 3 year trial and then reassess how you both feel?

I do feel for you though as I live in London (where DH is from) and I'm from the north and ideally would like us all to move back to my home town. Can't see it happening as I don't think he would settle there so I'm planning on spending more time visiting etc. Will you be able to afford to fly home a couple of times a year?

I lived in the US and loved it, I loved the standard of food eating out and how cheap it was, I loved the space, the people were friendly, and the weather was wonderful.
I didn't like the evangelical Christian's, guns, that drink driving was normal and how insular some American are (do we have running water in Britain? ) . But on balance I'd live there again. I had a fantastic time.

At least MA and ME have seat belt and crash helmet requirements, unlike NH (state motto "Live free or die"...)

gwenneh no joke, I can get corn right now but it'll be gone by sept! DH loves it but I couldn't get all winter.

OlennasWimple yep gotta love the live free or die..... the no helmets on motorbikes is shocking! I get nervous for them.

I'm a brit married to an American who moved to the US. I don't regret it for a minute, however a lot of your concerns - bad food, having to drive everywhere, Trump supporters - don't really affect my day to day life as I live and work in Manhattan.

It's such a bubble that I can't really advise on living anywhere else in the US, (although I have friends who live(d) in Boston and love it) but I will say that if you have really significant doubts, rather than just niggles, then I wouldn't move. I left the U.K. Without a backward glance, but even so, there are days where I HATE New York and everyone in it and I just want to go home. I imagine if you were on the fence about moving, feelings like that could get out of hand very quickly.

Olenna I am obsessed with Trader Joe's. We bought our apartment partly because there's a nice one a few blocks away

I can't get over how expensive some products are especially milk and I the lack of rye crackers even Ikea don't have them (yes I fancied them so much I went to Ikea) I don't really like the bread much it tastes very sweet

expat I am on a green card. I came over here independently of DH. However 3DC later and I'm still working. I make my own money because god forbid my marriage fail I need to be able to support myself and our DC. The risk for me is that DH leaves me and goes back to Denmark not paying anything.

Want2b - If we were in STBX' home country and he buggered off, I would be fine as I have the permanent legal right to live and work there. It's not having that right here in the US and then not being able to take DS out of country with me that's causing me issues.

I didn't get a job here before this on my current visa as I had DS in our first year, and then we knew we were moving again for his job within another year or so, and then OW happened and I didn't know if i was staying, plus DS was at home (stbx didn't want to pay for nursery). If we hadn't moved to the US, i would have expected to be back at work after the customary 1 year mat leave.

If you didn't have the right to remain there are legal routes to you as a parent being able to remove your child from the country without the other parents consent. The judge can overrule the other parent trying to prevent the child from leaving.

Enthusiasm I can get Ryvita in my local Walmart and many other stores here, as well as Wasa crispbread in different varieties including sourdough (= rye).

Lol about losing GPS in the Boston tunnels... I once decided to attempt to get from Point A to Point B via Lower Wacker Drive here in Chicago, based on Google's estimate that it would take me 25 minutes from door to destination. In the end I had to call DS on speaker to guide me out. I was a shell of my former self (slight exaggeration) when I got home.

I am convinced that one the rules about corn is that the smaller the time frame that you can get locally grown corn, the better the corn. It's one of the reasons that we head to western New York State every August.

We love Wegmans but they haven't expanded down south. We are getting a Trader Joe's near us. I'm very excited about that.

SenecaFalls Trader joes is good!

I've heard a lot about Whole Foods but we don't have one? There was the Union Jack shop on the way into Boston (Saugus I think) but the food was ridiculously overpriced.

Driving in Boston - don't do it! Last time I tried I ended up pulling over in tears and DH had to take over. The subway is pretty good though.

I usually get frozen bags of corn in the Autumn and winter.

Most of the assumptions about the Midwest are just that...assumptions. There are 12 states in the Midwest for heaven's sake. Mine (Minnesota) is almost always near or at the top of every survey you could mention on health, happiness, education, etc. Far more so than California et al.

Trump affects me on a daily basis only in that it depresses me that he's where he is. I keep trying to remind myself that we voted in Obama and kept him in for 8 years and all is not lost.

Massachusetts is nice, from what I've heard. :) And Joe Kennedy 3 is a senator there, and will be our president some day. I'd lay odds on it.

I've never heard of a state doing blood tests and not Breathalyzers for drunk drivers?!