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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be shocked at older people making comments on children's behaviour?

172 replies

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:08

Yesterday was a particularly bad day with my 3 and 4 year old.
Lots of arguments in the park between the pair of them , DD ( 4 year old ) screaming for the 5 minute walk back to the car for another drink as she'd finished the first one, she then threw the scooter down as was too " tired " to ride anymore so I carried it, although she was still screaming.
I think I was doing the best I could given the fact I also had a 7 year old crying as he didn't want to leave the park but we had been there 2 hours, my mum constantly undermining me telling them all what good children they were and saying things like " I get annoyed when I'm thirsty too " but 4 separate elderly ( 70 year olds ish ) on walks through this park all had something to say.
I tried not to be annoyed by it but why on earth does a screaming whingy child give them the urge to say something?
From " what a horrible noise coming from such a pretty girl " to " can my dog have your sandwich if you're just screaming then "
For the two seconds these strangers were giving their two pence she did stop but the minute they walked off it started again so it wasn't even helpful!

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 20/08/2017 08:12

They're trying to be helpful. It's not helping, but they're being sympathetic. Despite all the unpleasantness towards old people on mumsnet, most of them are just like most people of any other age, and they remember that 40 years ago they were struggling with a tantrummy child.

It would be different if they had tapped you on the shoulder and told you they were brats and to give them a smack.

PotteringAlong · 20/08/2017 08:14

They were trying to be helpful, they were trying to distract them.

And there's a proven link between behaviour deteriorating if people are slightly dehydrated so your mum might have been right.

theconstantinoplegardener · 20/08/2017 08:15

People say this type of thing to my children sometimes too, if they're having a tantrum. I think they are meant kindly. I think people who say this sort of thing have often been there themselves with their own children and are trying to make you smile and also startle/distract your child away from their tantrum. Sometimes it works! Don't be upset by it, I don't think it's meant unkindly.

ButchyRestingFace · 20/08/2017 08:18

Sounds like they were trying to "jolly" your kids along.

Not like they were calling them horrible little brats.

treaclesoda · 20/08/2017 08:20

I once had an elderly man in a shop offer my daughter 50p for her money box if she would stop tantrumming and be a good girl for her mum. It worked

Original poster

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:21

Sorry I should have elaborated more.
2 of the ladies, the ones who said the bit about a horrible noise coming from a pretty girl actually did go onto say how spoilt this generations children were.
To be fair, she wasn't dehydrated, she had just finished an entire flavoured water bottle 2 minutes before so I can't imagine she was even thirsty, more likely she just wanted more favoured water!
It's hard to know if they're being judgmental at the time as I'm too busy dealing with the issue but I'm just surprised people make comments as I wouldn't dream of it if I saw a kid having a tantrum and the parents were already dealing with it!

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/08/2017 08:25

Flavoured water makes me more thirsty. Leaves a taste in my mouth that means I want to drink more because it becomes unpleasant.

PetalMettle · 20/08/2017 08:26

That sounds hellish, commiserations. I think they're just trying to make conversation. Early doors with my little one I was on the bus and he was crying and an old woman said "oh he's hungry" and I felt like great, so now I'm not even allowed to leave the house....

BeyondThePage · 20/08/2017 08:31

I'm just surprised people make comments as I wouldn't dream of it if I saw a kid having a tantrum and the parents were already dealing with it

but the kids were still screaming, so they didn't know it was being dealt with. Nothing to be shocked about.

MrsJayy · 20/08/2017 08:35

You were stressed and hassled by your dc behaviour these people in their own way were trying to be helpfu.l you need to develop your rhino skin and smile and nod while tryi g to wrangle frothong screaming children.

your dd wasn't thirsty as you said she had just had enough andwas playing up but don't let randomers upset you. I did hear yesterday 2 women a bit older than me in their 50s saying about a screaming toddler on the bus , ours would have got a sore arse for that carry on Anne eh, Anne enthusiastically agreed

timeforabrewnow · 20/08/2017 08:39

Beyond the Page have you had kids? Have they ever had a tantrum? Were you able to stop the crying immediately at all times in order to deal with it?

Perhaps the OP came on mumsnet for some support from other parents - just saying

Original poster

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:42

Oh no they did know it was being dealt with. On both occasions I was in the middle of explaining to her that we were only a few minutes from the car for more water and the other time she was sitting with me on the bench as she had pushed her brother in the park so we were discussing that but was screaming at me that she didn't want to sit on the bench!
I find it very patronising and not needed TBH.

OP posts:

Floisme · 20/08/2017 08:43

So basically it's ok for young people to complain about the behaviour of the older generation but not if it's the other way round?

Righto.

ArgyMargy · 20/08/2017 08:44

Why are you "discussing" things with a child having a tantrum? Seems pointless.

Original poster

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:47

It was pointless yes but I always try and offer an explanation and I actually thought at the time as these people have seen me explaining they now won't butt in but that didn't work.
I don't think it's because they're old, it just happens that it's always older people who do it rather than people with kids with them or so on.

OP posts:

OhTheRoses · 20/08/2017 08:48

Sounds hellish if you were dealing with the bad behaviour.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/08/2017 08:49

If 4 people commented, 5 including your mum, maybe you are not dealing with the tantrumming as effectively as you think you are.

AztecHero · 20/08/2017 08:53

Thing is, when your child(ren) are having tantrums in public you get in a sort of zone of trying to manage it. I do, anyway. If someone steps in to say anything much less make some sort of sentence that requires you to take your attention away from your child and then re-focus on whatever it is the stranger is saying, then you have to re-orientate yourself to your child again, I think it makes it a million times more difficult and more exhausting to deal with the child. Much easier if you are left alone to just get on with it.

My child has quite severe ASD-related meltdowns though in public, so I tend to appreciate maybe a sympathetic look, or just people leaving us alone rather than strangers passing comment- even if they are ostensibly trying to 'help'.

Sympathies OP- sounds like you had a really rough day.

TeamCersei · 20/08/2017 08:53

it's always older people who do it rather than people with kids with them or so on.

They are only trying to be helpful.

Older people are more likely to have grown up in a era with it was the norm for people to socially interact with people, even strangers.
That's why it's mainly older people who 'speak' to you.

You're not used to it and that's why you see it as interfering.

scaryclown · 20/08/2017 08:53

Oh that's great.. Gang up with the gang zero well done.

AztecHero · 20/08/2017 08:54

I suspect I needed a few full stops in my paragraph.

Nuttynoo · 20/08/2017 08:55

Do both your 7yo and 4 yo have special needs? Not sure why you'd take offence if not. I'd be mortified if my kids of a similar age were tantrumning & would take all comments on the chin - but had they been for autistic neighbour I might have fought back.

On a seperate note - I find only giving plain water when kids ask for a drink helps to nip tantrumns in the bud. If they're thirsty they'll drink anything, if not they'll pass.

Original poster

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:55

Hence why I said it was a particularly bad day with her behaviour!
I'm not disputing that but other than time out for pushing her sibling and explaining that we needed to walk back to the car to get another drink what on earth more could I have done?!
For what it's worth my mum is a massive positiver parent which I don't always find helpful as she tells the kids they are being very good when they aren't in hope it makes them want to be good ( it doesn't with the 4 year old at all ) so if anything this may not have helped the situation but I fail to see what more I actuallt could have done given the situation!

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/08/2017 08:56

Other people will always put their spoke in OP, some genuinely mean well, others don't. Just carry on doing your own thing, you know your children best.

AztecHero · 20/08/2017 08:56

trying again.

Thing is, when your child(ren) are having tantrums in public you get in a sort of zone of trying to manage it. I do, anyway.

If someone steps in to say anything, it requires you to take your attention away from your child and then re-focus on whatever it is the stranger is saying. After that you then you have to re-orientate yourself to your child again.

I therefore think it is a million times more difficult and more exhausting to deal with the child. Much easier if you are left alone to just get on with it.

Hopefully that makes more sense!

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