Aibu to be shocked at older people making comments on children's behaviour?

[Felicitychipmunkx]

Yesterday was a particularly bad day with my 3 and 4 year old.
Lots of arguments in the park between the pair of them , DD ( 4 year old ) screaming for the 5 minute walk back to the car for another drink as she'd finished the first one, she then threw the scooter down as was too " tired " to ride anymore so I carried it, although she was still screaming.
I think I was doing the best I could given the fact I also had a 7 year old crying as he didn't want to leave the park but we had been there 2 hours, my mum constantly undermining me telling them all what good children they were and saying things like " I get annoyed when I'm thirsty too " but 4 separate elderly ( 70 year olds ish ) on walks through this park all had something to say.
I tried not to be annoyed by it but why on earth does a screaming whingy child give them the urge to say something?
From " what a horrible noise coming from such a pretty girl " to " can my dog have your sandwich if you're just screaming then "
For the two seconds these strangers were giving their two pence she did stop but the minute they walked off it started again so it wasn't even helpful!

If you don't like what those old people are saying just ignore.

A child crying is usually distressed (or acting distressed) It is difficult to ignore someone in distress- particularly a child- we are programmed to care for small children. People spoke to the child to try and help- unfortunately presumably they did not realise that said child was in time out!
I used to find tantrums in public, particularly difficult (ds has sn so his reactions to the world could be unpredictable!) Sometimes people would try and help- occasionally it did- sometimes it felt empathic to me- sometimes I just felt more under siege!
You know your children best.

Two Little Bitties ? And you asked them "Did you mean to be so Rude?"

What is Two Little Bitties if not fucking rude in itself ??!!

They did know as I told them! They said " oh dear have you been naughty " and I said " she's calming down as she pushed her brother " she then started screaming to get off the bench and that's when the lady said " don't scream; can I have a sandwich to give to my dog then if you don't want it " She carried on screaming and then they walked off

If it was a group of teenagers would it have been ok to mention it?

Well, since you asked.

"Old people" are adults, just like the op is. There is no need to mention their age at all. If they were 18/19, it would not be ok to say "teenagers" and then have a go at them for trying to be helpful either imo, no. I'd still wonder, "why mention their age"?

If they were 13/14 yos and still children, that's different imo, as they aren't adults. Children are treated differently to adults, legally and socially; children can't vote and you don't put adults in time out for example.

Though, if I was the op and had these comments from children / teenagers / whoever, I would still question why I was getting comments from 4 separate groups of teenagers. I wouldn't start an "oh aren't these teenagers awful" thread. I'd probably think "that's a lot of comments from separate groups. My dcs' behaviour must be quite unusual, or disruptive just now, to have received that many comments from unrelated groups of people".

Not saying tantrums are anything terrible btw. I know it happens. I've got a young dc and lots of nieces and nephews, so I get it. It's just that I wouldn't be blaming the people who commented tbh. Especially if it was four separate groups. Surely they are the least of your worries if you're tackling three grumpy dcs and your mum has apparently undermined you all day. Yet, it's the "old" strangers who get the blame here?

Perhaps the lady thought asking if she could have the sandwich for the dog would distract her from the screaming and strike up a conversation. Some children would even laugh at that.

She misjudged your DD. She didn't do it maliciously.

It wasn't 4 individuals, it was 2 sets of 2.
To be fair on both occasions the other woman looked slightly embarrassed at their friend making any comments.
I agree that was just a silly misjudged comment, the next comment by the next woman came across judgemental.
I mentioned the age as in the 7 years of being a mum it's only ever been older people who have made comments!

I found the best way to deal with tantrumming children was to beat them with a stick. A special stick handed down the generations of our family. I'm nearly 60.

It wasn't 4 individuals, it was 2 sets of 2

From your op: "...but 4 separate elderly ( 70 year olds ish ) on walks through this park all had something to say"

Sorry, so it was four separate people when you presumably wanted to make a point about how "elderly" / "old" people always make these comments? Now, it's two sets of two, where one person from each set commented and the other women didn't comment at all, but looked embarrassed.

Sorry, I really think this whole thing has a bad whiff of ageism about it.

If you had simply said you didn't like people making comments like this, I'd still have thought you were maybe being a little bit over sensitive, but could have understood. But as it is, it doesn't sit right with me at all that people, including the op have made some harsh comments and speculations about these women, based on their age and the generation they grew up in.

Well I'm sorry it's annoyed you so much but perhaps if they just got on with their day instead of interfering when not needed people wouldn't think of them in such a way.
The agreeing with the second set after she said what spoilt brats kids were these days is why I referred to it like that, apologies for wording it a little wrong.

i hate these threads where passers by are vilified for making comments.

it happens. get used to it. in the main people are trying to pass the time of day, pass on knowledge and be helpful. i remember someone whose age i wont mention having a proper word with my dd, did i mind, did i bleat about it, no dd deserved it tbh.
another occasion a stranger had to put my ds shoes on him, since i wasnt having any luck.

op get back in your bubble and ignore all passersby if you need to moan about it so much.

YABU

Hope you're having a better day today OP
When my three were similar ages I always took a packed lunch for us, sandwiches or rolls and lots of water. Preempting the hungry/thirsty meltdowns. Also I wasn't prepared to spend any money in cafes when I could bring stuff from home. It was a rule I stuck to so they didn't bother asking me to buy anything.
If any of them did have a meltdown or behave in such a way that I said we were going home I'd just keep walking fast in the direction of home and refuse to engage in their tantrums. Holding firmly onto any reluctant child's hand. It's hard but I knew that when we were out of the park they'd calm down: and they knew that my silence meant business!
I have my DGS aged 9 every weekday and some weekends, and it's a lot easier dealing with one child than with siblings, but when he was little and having meltdowns and someone commented I felt the urge to tell them exactly where to go

I think you thought you could have a good old bitch about interfering old women and you misjudged your audience.

You are addressing thousands of women of differing ages here OP. Not just a group of mommy friends who are going to agree with you.

Kids tantrum. It doesn't make you a bad parent but people are going to notice and they may well comment.
The old women who made mild comments to you are probably nothing to the vicious judgemental stuff that was going on in the heads of non parents, parents of kids much younger than yours or those who just think they are better at this stuff than you.

They didn't offer you any help or comfort did they? At least the older women reached out a bit of human contact.

But because of your pretty obvious views on old women you chose to interpret it as malicious.
If you are lucky you will be 70 one day. You will have decades of parenting experience you may want to share.
I hope you are looked upon more kindly than those women in the park.

"These " nice women " you're referring to were the same ones who then as walked off started about what spoilt brats children are nowadays"

You dridn't mention that in your original post. The sandwich remark was obviously intended as an attempt to amuse and distract.

I think young mothers of today are becoming professional offence takers. Irony intended.

I hope I will remember it not being pleasant and unless the parent clearly needed help; I would make it as easiest as I could at the time which would be carrying on chatting to my friend and pretending the noise wasn't even there!

And at some point you will miss judge that. Possibly leaving a young woman with a child thinking 'fucking hell i clearly needed help and those women just ignored me and pretended we werent there'

I think you've blown this completely out of proportion OP. Why has it upset or offended you so much that these people spoke to your DD while she was having a tantrum?

Its called Distraction.
I am not 70 and often find myself using the same technique on strangers toddlers.
luckily i havent come across a grouchy mother

I find that people, myself included, take offence when they're feeling like they could have done something different or 'better'. I'm not saying you could have, I'm saying that when my child acts up I sometimes don't do exactly as I set out to do because I get flustered or lose my temper a little. If somebody said one thing to me on a good day I would laugh and maybe join in. If the same person said the same thing on a bad day I might take offence. I've realised I do this as a defensive reaction, as do lots of people.

Obviously it depends on the person too and how it is said. But I do think that 'these days' people are constantly judged and are aware that they're judged. Therefore we sometimes jump to a reaction even if the intention of the other person was to be helpful and distract your child.

Input from strangers has worked wonders for my child in the past as he normally smiles and perks up. But again, it depends on the situation. Maybe I've only ever encountered nice helpful and not 'interfering' people.

I really don't think it's that hard to judge someone needing help and someone who is dealing with an issue and doesn't need interference.
I've helped a mum struggling to get hers into the pram leaving a play area because I could see she was tearful and struggling so I said " nightmare when they do this " and held the pram still so she could get him in but a kid screaming and the mum saying " you can have another drink when we get to the car across the road " or " you are sitting here until you calm down as you've been unkind to your brother need no intervention.

I came here so it did have a variety of opinions and as I said I'm open to all, I just feel differently. You're not really open to all you just want to rant about older women and their pesky opinions.

I think it depends on the child.
My eldest would be mortified if a stranger corrected his behaviour and would stop, my daughter really doesn't care what others make of her, she's pretty happy in her own skin, very stubborn and certainly isn't trying to impress people by acting like a " good little girl " when she loses her temper.
I really don't think there's anything I could have done better, that's why I'm annoyed I think.