Aibu to be shocked at older people making comments on children's behaviour?

[Felicitychipmunkx]

Yesterday was a particularly bad day with my 3 and 4 year old.
Lots of arguments in the park between the pair of them , DD ( 4 year old ) screaming for the 5 minute walk back to the car for another drink as she'd finished the first one, she then threw the scooter down as was too " tired " to ride anymore so I carried it, although she was still screaming.
I think I was doing the best I could given the fact I also had a 7 year old crying as he didn't want to leave the park but we had been there 2 hours, my mum constantly undermining me telling them all what good children they were and saying things like " I get annoyed when I'm thirsty too " but 4 separate elderly ( 70 year olds ish ) on walks through this park all had something to say.
I tried not to be annoyed by it but why on earth does a screaming whingy child give them the urge to say something?
From " what a horrible noise coming from such a pretty girl " to " can my dog have your sandwich if you're just screaming then "
For the two seconds these strangers were giving their two pence she did stop but the minute they walked off it started again so it wasn't even helpful!

Would have been the same if they were mums in their thirties. Would have mentioned that!

So your thread title would have been "aibu to be shocked at mums in their thirties making comments about children's behaviour"?

And then:

"...my mum constantly undermining me telling them all what good children they were and saying things like " I get annoyed when I'm thirsty too " but 4 separate mums in their thirties on walks through this park all had something to say."

Actually, women in their thirties are probably too old to be having babies anyway.....

Early thirties or late thirties?

I've had similar comments and it's usually been helpful as the children aren't listening to you, but someone else saying something often brought them up short.
Responding with "yes, bad day" or "I'm offering them up for sale by this stage in the holidays" gets a smile response and relieves your stress and they know you're doing your best.

And don't do more than one explanation. They knew perfectly well they were unreasonable, they just didn't want to be reasonable. Just like adults too. I know perfectly well Crisps and Cola is a poor breakfast, guess what I'm currently eating
One quick explanation, then if they continue, don't discuss more. The more you discuss the more they think they can persuade you round.

I would have said "fine, it's your scooter, no one else takes it, if you don't then you've lost your scooter and won't get another one". And started walking. They very quickly decide that they'll bring it then.

7yo is old to have a strop about leaving the park. I'd suggest that maybe 2 hours is too long if they behave like that. One of mine could only cope with park/soft play for about 40 minutes at that time before he became over stimulated and got stroppy.

Another suggesting is have something for when they leave the park. So take water for the park, and have the juice in the car. Or an ice cream when they get home, if they leave when you say, or perhaps TV time or something.

If it was a group of teenagers would it have been ok to mention it?

stormy, that's uncalled for. Kids have tantrums - they are still learning how to express their emotions. It's really not on to call them brats. If they were still doing it at 16 you might have a point.

There is very little you can do to get a child out of a tantrum when they are in full screaming mode. It doesn't mean that the OP isn't parenting effrctively or us doing something wrong, it's just one of those things that you have to ride out.

She wasn't helped by her mum undermining her. I think probably some of the comments were meant as helpful anf others were judgemental but OP was doing her best and wasn't in 5he right frame of mind to have to deal with other people as well as her kids.

And people were a lot happier in times gone by to give their kids a smack if they were playing up. It's an undeniable fact.

What's with all the old people bashing?

My gran was the most lovely woman you could ever wish to meet. She went out for a walk every day. As she got towards the end of her life she could only make it round the little park at the end of her road. Had she have seen a mother struggling, and you were OP, with her children she'd have made a friendly comment. She would have been so upset had she have thought she was going to be slagged off for doing so.

Why should people have to remove themselves from the environment because your kids are kicking off? Surely that's you who should be doing that?

They are just trying to be helpful, most of them have probably been in your situation and have sympathy. I had this happen to me once when my three year old lay down on the ground and refused to get up because he was cross. Normally I can talk him out of it but I was having a lot of trouble. An older woman was walking past us and stopped to ask him whether he was a doggie a boy. His mood immediately improved and he got up and went all went on our way.

I remember my DM saying to me when I had received about 3 pieces of unsolicited advice in a supermarket with a screaming 6month old. They've either been there & done that and are trying to help, see that as solidarity/empathy or they've never had children, and are talking out their hole (she had quite a turn of phrase) in which case ignore

I would still like someone to explain why they think it's perfectly ok for them to pass comment about the behaviour of older people but can't handle it if older people do the same thing back at them?

I think you gradually lose your filter as you get older and they speak out loud."

!!!

"And people were a lot happier in times gone by to give their kids a smack if they were playing up. It's an undeniable fact."

Possibly. But this was not mentioned by any of the "older people" in this saga. To the contrary, they were all, to a woman, trying distraction and jollying. Very modern of them!

I personally find it a bit bleak that there's an expectation that everyone just keeps their heads down and doesn't make any attempt to communicate with or help others. Just because they didn't necessarily get it exactly right, they had good intentions. I don't want to live in a world where it's heads down and no eye contact.

A couple of months back My 17 month old GS was kicking off in a packed cafe And two little bitties were making fish faces and tutt tutting next to us.

I asked them if they meant to be soo rude and you are [I copied their face movements] Did they realise.

They didn't actually realise they weren't helping, they apparently meant to be helpful.

Ummmm
(((((((((((Hugs))))))) OP
Maybe we need to print out little bit of cards that say 'You are NOT helping'

Argy
Just that the child hasn't been snatched or was being hurt.
I know it sounds daft but I really couldn't live with myself if I walked by and didn't help when I should of.
Also mums sometimes need a friendly ear to offload to too.

The tutting is different though. That's showing disapproval and clearly not helpful. Doesn't sound like that was the case here.

I think what everyone needs to grasp is that small children have tantrums. Sometimes older ones do too. It is Normal.

Children don't have an off switch.

You cannot microcontrol every little thing they do, otherwise they'd be you.

Those who had children who didn't do this or those parents who didn't stand for it, you either have short memories or you were blessed with children with super easygoing personalities and are taking too much credit for that fact.

However, a couple of things I'd have done differently : a shorter trip to the park, no discussing during tantrum - just whisk them away asap. Eyes straight ahead. Meet smart arse comments from onlookers (if not well meaning )something equally sarcastic and make you feel more in control . This is your life, not a floor show

Discussing and explaining to a child having a tantrum is obviously not working. Your the parent try telling them off.

I guess "positive parenting" is why shops, buses etc are full of screaming illbehaved brats a lot of the time with mum or dad saying in a soft voice "Johnny please don't stand on the bus seat" over and over again.

I wasn't smacked as a child but I was brought up properly. I am also not in my 70's and I do realise that children will sometimes have a tantrum. It's the parents' wishy washy attitude to the tantrum that annoys me

"Two little bitties"

I take it you DID mean to be so rude.

I can't rememeber each posters name so just in replies to posts since my last.
I WAS leaving the park at this point so the screaming about the drink was on the few minutes walk across the field to where the car was parked.
So again, I fail to see what more in this situation I could have done.
I wasn't in a cafe and expecting them to leave instead of us, we were leaving and they were walking their dogs : they only needed to walk past us so the screaming wouldn't have hurt their ears for more than a few seconds!
These " nice women " you're referring to were the same ones who then as walked off started about what spoilt brats children are nowadays so I really don't see why you think it was done with good intention, perhaps started that way but when their attempt failed it Quickly changed!
My mum is 60 and these women late 70s possibly 80s so still a generation difference to be fair.
To the lady who asked why a smack wouldn't help, because it's teaching violence is acceptable maybe? Not wanting to get into that debate but would be a bit rich smacking her for pushing her brother would it not?!
And to the lady who always talks to kids in case of child protection issues; this sounds slightly odd.
Surely you can tell the difference between a screaming child who doesn't want to sit on a bench to a distressed child who is fearful about going home with their parents without having to talk to every upset child?

it's rude for people, of any age, to offer unsolicited advice in a stressful when it's not called for. I don't expect older starngers to comment on my parenting, and equally I wouldn't expect younger people to talk about older people in the third person in their hearing either.

if there's abuse concerns that's different of course in which case I'd expect them to raise it with store security or the police.

Children were seen and not heard yes , in the Victorian age and I very much doubt any of the old people there were alive then !

Each generation, OP, thinks they are doing the right thing, the right way . .There is no right thing or right way though, just opinions and I'd go easy on the older folk for simply voicing THEIRS at this new generation of Mothers/Children .

A couple of months back My 17 month old GS was kicking off in a packed cafe And two little bitties were making fish faces and tutt tutting next to us..

'Two little bitties?' WTAF? I take it you can't see the irony there and you actually did mean to be so bloody rude?

I haven't said I'm a positive parenter, I said my mum is.
I wasn't going to take all 3 children home for one push from a 4 year old to her brother!
The screaming over the drink we are already leaving!!
The thing I should have done differently is completely ignored these women rather than engaging with them and letting my sense of politeness take over and it just held us up and make her scream more!

But how is their complaining about children being spoilt any worse than your complaining on here about older people interfering?