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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be shocked at older people making comments on children's behaviour?

172 replies

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:08

Yesterday was a particularly bad day with my 3 and 4 year old.
Lots of arguments in the park between the pair of them , DD ( 4 year old ) screaming for the 5 minute walk back to the car for another drink as she'd finished the first one, she then threw the scooter down as was too " tired " to ride anymore so I carried it, although she was still screaming.
I think I was doing the best I could given the fact I also had a 7 year old crying as he didn't want to leave the park but we had been there 2 hours, my mum constantly undermining me telling them all what good children they were and saying things like " I get annoyed when I'm thirsty too " but 4 separate elderly ( 70 year olds ish ) on walks through this park all had something to say.
I tried not to be annoyed by it but why on earth does a screaming whingy child give them the urge to say something?
From " what a horrible noise coming from such a pretty girl " to " can my dog have your sandwich if you're just screaming then "
For the two seconds these strangers were giving their two pence she did stop but the minute they walked off it started again so it wasn't even helpful!

OP posts:
BeyondThePage · 20/08/2017 08:56

Beyond the Page have you had kids? Have they ever had a tantrum? Were you able to stop the crying immediately at all times in order to deal with it?

Yes 2, Yes, No.

Have I ever whinged that "older people" should keep quiet about it? - no.

If my kids were screaming so bad that 4 people (f whatever age) felt they had to say something - then I would have to rethink how I was dealing with stuff.

and the OP posted on AIBU - you don't post in AIBU for advice, there will be a number of opinions - not necessarily agreeing

so yes I think the OP is BU for being shocked.

UrsulaPandress · 20/08/2017 08:58

If I pass a screaming child in a shop I often say to the child "Shopping has that effect on me too".

Shall I desist?

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:58

I only bring plain water on days out unless she go for lunch or dinner somewhere.
It was my mum who brought the flavoured water for the park trip which she drank it all very quickly and then screamed she wanted more.
It's not as if I didn't have more, it was only in the car across the road from the park!
I offered to go and get it for her but then she wanted to leave the park as did the 3 year old and we had been there for 2 hours so figured it was time to go and get lunch anyway.
No special needs just a mixed bag of personalities!
I understand that generation talked more to people but I don't understand how asking for a 4 year olds snack in the middle of her clearly being given time out is going to help!

OP posts:
YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 20/08/2017 08:59

Not old yet - in my 40s - but if a child makes eye contact with me I either speak or smile. Little girl yesterday had dropped her shoe - I picked it up, spoke to her dad who went haring off for the other shoe 50 yards away, so I stayed and chatted to her for a minute. If I see a crying baby over parents' shoulder I will ask the baby what's up - if it gives a minute's distraction then bloody marvellous!

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 20/08/2017 09:00

They were trying to distract them from the tantrums.

Having screaming children close is not fun for anyone.

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:03

I did post for opinions so happy to hear both sides
I personally don't comment on anyone else's children, I will say hello if one is waving or looking at me but if crying or misbehaving never would I make a comment as I'm fully aware how difficult it already is for the parent without feeling like someone ( me ) is interfering!
Agree completely with the poster who said about having to start all over again too after having an interuption.
I probably would have taken them home ( although would have felt incredibly bad on the 7 year old to do that ) had we not been 2 hours away from home but aside from that I maintain not much I could have done differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:04

But they were on a walk, they could have all just walked past
They didn't " have " to be near screaming children, we weren't in a restaurant or confined place!

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/08/2017 09:07

scaryclown what on earth are you on about?

fionatalbot · 20/08/2017 09:07

This reminds me of when DS, then about 3, refused to get up from the pavement on which he was lying down. An old man shook his walking stick at him and warned him he was going to hit him with it!!! (whilst winking at me) DS, needless to say, got up in a flash. I thanked the man for his intervention and we continued on our way.

Shocking as the whole episode sounds, I have to say I found the whole thing rather amusing at the time and it still makes me smile looking back on it. OP, interfering old people can be very useful if your own DC aren't listening to you.

AztecHero · 20/08/2017 09:08

Once when we were out DS had a meltdown, tore all his clothes off and started beating his head against a wall. I had to sit on him to stop him hurting himself.

Got quite a few comments then, and the only one that helped was an elderly man who very gently put his hand on my back, looked me in the eye and said with such kindness; 'when they get like that there is nothing more you can do'.

Cried my eyes out, and I have never forgotten it.

OP- what a shit day you all had. Can you take it easy today and chill out a bit. Sounds like you all deserve a quieter day. Thanks

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:12

Honestly if it were comments like " there's nothing more you can do when they get like that " I would have agreed and continued on my way and thought no more about it but it was the way they were almost winding her up even more that was annoying.
I appreciate the kindness, it was a horrible day and made worse by the fact my mum hates the kids being told off so then hardly spoke for the rest of the day so all felt very awkward.
They've been great so far today and are enjoying a day at home so thanks Smile

OP posts:
AztecHero · 20/08/2017 09:17

I think asking your DC if they can give the sandwich to the dog is pretty high on the twatty stakes to be honest. I'd say an hysterical reaction by the child would be pretty obvious.

Your mum ...... that might need some strategising. She's clearly undermining you.

enjoy your day. x

MrsJayy · 20/08/2017 09:19

Urgh grannys and their precious grandbabies are so frustrating my mum was exactly the same but she was quick to tell me off as a kid 😕

NataliaOsipova · 20/08/2017 09:23

My view with older people (any people, actually, regardless of age) is simple. If I think they're trying to be nice or helpful, even if ineffectually, then I take it on the chin and am nice and smile in return. If I think they're being rude, stroppy or critical, then I respond absolutely in kind, in the hope that they will think twice about doing it to someone else next time.

I had a particularly bizarre exchange with an old bloke in a car park, which, with the benefit of hindsight, was clearly sparked by his mistaking me for someone else entirely. But he won't be criticising the way anyone else gets her children across the road in future Grin

thecatsabsentcojones · 20/08/2017 09:23

Sounds like you had a horrible day. And AztecHero's elderly man had it right, sometimes there's nothing you can do to get them out of it. Probably doesn't help having your mum saying the opposite to you, it'll send them really mixed messages and they'll probably think they can get away with more when she's around. Feel for you! We've all been there (even if some say they haven't).
I had a visit to a pub years ago with my son and my nephew and they were being pretty awful, despite multiple times out and bollockings for them to calm down. An older couple said something - can't remember what but it was pretty nasty - I said 'well I suppose in your day it was easy, you could beat your kids into submission'. They weren't happy with that. It's true though, times have changed, kids aren't ruled by fear and it's really difficult for parents to get it right nowadays.

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:24

Yes my mum was quite a strong parent to me growing up but I'm an only child so she never had the sibling arguments to contend with

OP posts:
Androidsdreamofelectricsheep · 20/08/2017 09:24

OP it is annoying, but wait until you are 70plus. You might feel different about other people's screaming children then. I am not 70 yet but I spend a lot of time biting my tongue already.😁

Decaffstilltastesweird · 20/08/2017 09:27

Oh no, not another one of these! Every week I seem to see a thread about how annoying it is when "old people" dare to speak to anyone with young children.

Agree, if four people, including my own mum commented on the way I was handling my tantrumming dc, I'd probably think I needed to rethink how I was doing things tbh (sorry). I wouldn't start a thread complaining about the people who were commenting tbh, even though I probably wouldn't have commented myself.

I sympathise with the op and have a toddler myself, who sometimes has a bit a of a tantrum in public. I also watch nieces, nephews etc of the same age as the op's dcs, so I understand it's stressful. But, just why mention the age of the people commenting and have a go at them? It's hard to get past that tbh. It's even in the thread title. Would it have made a difference if they were in their thirties? No? Then why mention it at all?

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:27

Realty appreciate you all replying on this Sunday morning!
I agree, I find it a bloody mind field to get it right!
I'm generally a laid back parent but I dont expect any physical violence between them so this is something I will happily give a time out for but I agree, back in their day violence was accepted so maybe the kids behaved better so they're shocked by all these " spoilt " kids!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 20/08/2017 09:27

They were trying to help. But they were "older" so obviously should have kept their mouths shut and not speak until spoken to.

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:28

I find it sad you spend a lot of the time biting your tongue then you could just leave the environment surely?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 20/08/2017 09:29

"I agree, back in their day violence was accepted"

What the actual fuck?Hmm

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:29

I don't think they were trying to help, I think they were rude.
It's a fact they are older therefore mentioned in the title!
Would have been the same if they were mums in their 30s, I would have mentioned that!

OP posts:
JustDontGetItAtAll · 20/08/2017 09:31

Bertrand I think OP is referring to smacking

BertrandRussell · 20/08/2017 09:31

"Would have been the same if they were mums in their 30s, I would have mentioned that!"

Yeah, course you would.