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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be shocked at older people making comments on children's behaviour?

172 replies

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:08

Yesterday was a particularly bad day with my 3 and 4 year old.
Lots of arguments in the park between the pair of them , DD ( 4 year old ) screaming for the 5 minute walk back to the car for another drink as she'd finished the first one, she then threw the scooter down as was too " tired " to ride anymore so I carried it, although she was still screaming.
I think I was doing the best I could given the fact I also had a 7 year old crying as he didn't want to leave the park but we had been there 2 hours, my mum constantly undermining me telling them all what good children they were and saying things like " I get annoyed when I'm thirsty too " but 4 separate elderly ( 70 year olds ish ) on walks through this park all had something to say.
I tried not to be annoyed by it but why on earth does a screaming whingy child give them the urge to say something?
From " what a horrible noise coming from such a pretty girl " to " can my dog have your sandwich if you're just screaming then "
For the two seconds these strangers were giving their two pence she did stop but the minute they walked off it started again so it wasn't even helpful!

OP posts:
stormytherabbit · 20/08/2017 09:31

Your 4 year old sounds like a nightmare

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:31

What the actual fuck?
Are you saying phiscal punishment wasn't used more in the past than now? As I think it was!
We've also had in the past older people saying much like those who have said the same in this thread " in my day he would have got a smack for that " and other ridiculous comments.
Children were often seen and not heard - I'm not sure what you're confused about!

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 20/08/2017 09:33

Don't you think there is a bit of a generational difference though, Bert? Older people were brought up in a time when it was considered polite to acknowledge strangers and to speak to them if the context is appropriate; most people younger than about 60 have been brought up with the "don't talk to strangers" mantra. So I wouldn't dream of speaking to a mother with a tantrumming child (unless she was very clearly in need of some sort of practical help which I could offer). Fully agree though that, in this context, they were trying to be helpful.

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:33

I was replying to the poster who said she said to someone " in your day you beat the kids into submission "
I didn't word it in that way, but agreed that physical punishment probably was more used than long explanations and positive parenting so I get why they're shocked but equally it's not their place to interfere?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:34

No more than a bad day of any 4 year old stormytherabbit but thanks for your helpful input!

OP posts:
Nishky · 20/08/2017 09:35

Why should people 'leave the environment'?!!!

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:36

If it's such a struggle to listen to young kids having a tantrum then leave!
In my situation it was a playground to start with, so they could have literally just walked past but chose not to and then on the walk to the car again they could have kept walking but chose not to!

OP posts:
stormytherabbit · 20/08/2017 09:38

They were trying to be helpful, annoying as it was.
Their peace was ruined by your screaming tantruming child whom you couldn't get under any sort of control. You can hardly be offended that they commented...

stormytherabbit · 20/08/2017 09:38

This reply has been deleted

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ivykaty44 · 20/08/2017 09:40

I think op it maybe wise to have a think about how you are approaching the screaming as what you are doing now isn't working. That's why four old people commented as it's a horrid noise in as public area that isn't nice. Much as a park is for children it is for other people to enjoy and screaming is not needed.

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:42

So what exactly would you have done differently to what I did?
How ridiculous, kids make noise and a playground is one of the only places I would think this is acceptable as only kids are in it!
These people were walking past, not having to be inside with grandkids or anything!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 20/08/2017 09:42

Well, two "older" people made what they thought were helpful remarks trying to jolly your child out of their tantrum. Your mother- presumably an "older" person too - is a huge fan of positive parenting.

But in their day violence was accepted.......
Right.

BadLad · 20/08/2017 09:43

So basically it's ok for young people to complain about the behaviour of the older generation but not if it's the other way round?

Yep. You'll get a load of posts agreeing with you if you slag off baby boomers on here, but if you say anything bad about millenials, you will be told to stop reading the Daily Mail, as your comments are dismissed.

Huskylover1 · 20/08/2017 09:43

On both occasions I was in the middle of explaining to her that we were only a few minutes from the car for more water and the other time she was sitting with me on the bench as she had pushed her brother in the park so we were discussing that but was screaming at me that she didn't want to sit on the bench!

Sorry, but your parenting sounds feeble. Why are you explaining and discussing? She should have been told off. She's playing you like a fiddle. And children of 7 and 4 should be WAY past having tantrums.

I think older people just get totally hacked off, at today's namby pamby parenting style, tbh. I'm only in my 40's, but my children are adults, and honestly, I never had the problems you describe, because I wouldn't have stood for it.

Screamer1 · 20/08/2017 09:44

As everyone says they were just trying to be helpful. I can understand it might be a bit irritating if you're already stressed by he tantrum. However, I generally welcome comments from other people. In Spain and Italy you would get older people constantly commenting on your children or rather engaging and conversing with your children. Personally I think it would be great if it was a bit more like that over here.

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 09:44

I find it a bloody mind field to get it right!

So do you not think that these people may feel the same. They were trying to help. Maybe saying things they would to their grandkids.

Non of us get it right all the time. We try our best. Maybe thats their best at that moment.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 20/08/2017 09:45

I have to say I cannot understand why parents today don't realise that a light tap on the legs to admonish a child does them no harm at all. Children need discipline and to understand that bad behaviour is not acceptable. What is the problem?

NormaSmuff · 20/08/2017 09:46

Saying What a nasty noise from such a pretty girl is a good thing to say to your dd.
you should welcome these sorts of interactions op. People are only trying to help.
They could have said worse

FrancieC23 · 20/08/2017 09:49

As an old mum I always say something to an upset child, just for child protection reasons.
I know that not all comments are always parent friendly.
I also really do know what it feels like to be at the end of my rope with a child having a tantrum and that horrid sense of helplessness and inadequacy that brought out in me.
But don't forget that interfering adult has just happened on your situation and may just be reacting on impulse, blurting out nonsense. In their way may just be looking out for your child and making sure that they and you are ok.
I would feel reassured that there are still community minded folk helping to safeguard our children.
It took me a long time to learn that you cannot rationalise every situation as a mum. It is easier to let go of upset and move on. Wine and a long soak helped me too.
Tomorrow your mum will still be your mum and maybe folk will still comment but I wish you a much less stressful set of circumstances. Flowers

Garliccalamari · 20/08/2017 09:50

Explaining and discussing during a tantrum doesn't work. I think that the passers by just wanted to help. Your mum does sound undermining, shouldn't that be a bigger issue than a person who is in your life for exactly 20 seconds?

GavelRavel · 20/08/2017 09:53

I don't know why you're shocked, this is part for the course. watching my mother, I think you gradually lose your filter as you get older and they speak out loud. Annoying but don't let it bother you. They have no idea or experience about parenting in 2017 so their opinions on that subject are largely irrelevant.

I had an early experience of this when my eldest was one and had his first tantrum in a John Lewis cafe. We were totally shocked as had never experienced one and had no idea what was coming. 2 elderly ladies at the next table commentated the whole thing as we struggled to get him out of the high chair and into his pushchair so we could scarper. It actually was quite funny what they were saying, things like "oh but he looks so innocent", "even the most beautiful babies can have the devil in them" etc. Eventually DP had to do the karate chop thing to get DS1, who was doing the rigid body thing, to fold up into the pushchair. The old ladies were speechless and he turned to them and said "that's shut you up hasn't it?" and we legged it. We laugh about it now and I remind ds1 about it every time we're in a JL cafe :)

don't let it bother you.

ArgyMargy · 20/08/2017 09:54

Hoho Milktray good one!

What are these child protection reasons Francie?

DressedCrab · 20/08/2017 09:54

My dad used to do this as he got older, he didn't realise how loud his voice could be. Fortunately, he only commented in a positive way about the behaviour of DCs around us.

FloweryTeapot · 20/08/2017 09:55

"I agree, back in their day violence was accepted"

What the actual fuck?

Jaw-dropping, innit?

BertrandRussell · 20/08/2017 09:55

"I don't know why you're shocked, this is part for the course. watching my mother, I think you gradually lose your filter as you get older and they speak out loud."

Jesus wept!!!

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