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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be shocked at older people making comments on children's behaviour?

172 replies

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 08:08

Yesterday was a particularly bad day with my 3 and 4 year old.
Lots of arguments in the park between the pair of them , DD ( 4 year old ) screaming for the 5 minute walk back to the car for another drink as she'd finished the first one, she then threw the scooter down as was too " tired " to ride anymore so I carried it, although she was still screaming.
I think I was doing the best I could given the fact I also had a 7 year old crying as he didn't want to leave the park but we had been there 2 hours, my mum constantly undermining me telling them all what good children they were and saying things like " I get annoyed when I'm thirsty too " but 4 separate elderly ( 70 year olds ish ) on walks through this park all had something to say.
I tried not to be annoyed by it but why on earth does a screaming whingy child give them the urge to say something?
From " what a horrible noise coming from such a pretty girl " to " can my dog have your sandwich if you're just screaming then "
For the two seconds these strangers were giving their two pence she did stop but the minute they walked off it started again so it wasn't even helpful!

OP posts:
Libitina · 20/08/2017 11:27

I don't see the point of trying to reason or discuss with a tantrumming (is that a word?) child. Remove them from the situation and when they have calmed down, then that is the time to start reasoning.

TheFirstMrsDV · 20/08/2017 11:27

How do you know that mother didn't think you were being smug and interfering?
Do you think your youth protects you?
You are probably right. If you had been 70 that mum may well have put a status on FB complaining about the dirty old woman touching her buggy.
I have seen it so many times. Young mothers expressing disgust at older women (anyone over 35) looking at, breathing on, talking to their babies.
Anything said is interpreted as judgement. Any advice given is dismissed as nonsense.

Its depressing to seeing older women being so undervalued and causing such revulsion.

We all know there are horrible old women but they were horrible young women once.

Floisme · 20/08/2017 11:28

I will ask you once again. You don't like older people commenting on the behaviour of young people or children and yet you seem perfectly comfortable doing exactly the same thing to them. Why is one ok and not the other?

rosehiplavender · 20/08/2017 11:32

I can't actually believe how this thread has gone.

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 11:35

Well as its pretty doubtful they are going to be reading it?
So what I'm saying isn't directly being said at him, but on a forum.
I could have told them to do one, but I wouldn't have been so rude.
The woman I helped was on the verge of crying, it was pretty obvious she was struggling and had she told me to go away, I would have! But I made sure my comment was said to make her feel better, not worse and I made no comment to the child as she was already quite capable of telling him his behaviour was out of line, she didn't need me doing it too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 11:35

I'm quite surprised too but then maybe I shouldn't be.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 20/08/2017 11:40

Well as its pretty doubtful they are going to be reading it
Ah ok. So its ok to be prejudice as long as you don't think your target will know about it?
Hence your surprise. You thought everyone would agree with you because there wouldn't be any 70 year olds on MN

If you had said the women had said or done something unpleasant you would have got more support. They didn't do anything unpleasant though and you have made a massive fuss about nothing.

Floisme · 20/08/2017 11:41

So you think it's ok to pass comment on a whole generation as long as the individuals concerned don't see it?

MrsBobDylan · 20/08/2017 12:12

I really don't think you can stereotype people's responses according to their age.

I am an experienced tantrum handler as my middle child has very agressive behaviour due to autism. Everyone ignores us. It feels really odd. The other day a woman of around 70 stopped and talked to me while my son spat in my face, swore at me and hit me. It made me feel like we do exist and my eyes are filling up now just thinking about it. I saw she was concerned for me and my son and I can't tell you how little that happens.

JessicaEccles · 20/08/2017 12:36

Yes, its all 'It takes a village to raise a child' unless they are Old Women.

My nephew would have been thrilled at feeding a doggy a sandwich and it would have been the highlight of the whole day!

gandalf456 · 20/08/2017 14:01

Does anyone not think that ageism is working both ways here? The comment that children are so spoilt these days would be ageist the other way in that the new generation are clueless, well, because they are younger really.

I do think people are unnecessarily latching on to the ageist debate and losing sight of the fact that op has, rightly or wrongly, felt humiliated by another adult.

It can happen a lot if you are not confident and feeds back to other adults.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 20/08/2017 14:08

I do think people are unnecessarily latching on to the ageist debate and losing sight of the fact that op has, rightly or wrongly, felt humiliated by another adult.

I agree I've found it harder to sympathise with the op because I think she's posted some stuff which could be interpreted as ageist. So you're right in a way, that I (I can only speak for myself) have lost sight of some of what she wanted us to focus on when she posted. But that's because she has continually framed it in a way which I find slightly ageist. Not "I felt humiliated by another adult", but "these old people should keep their opinions to themselves".

DotForShort · 20/08/2017 14:27

You may have thought that their "intervention" was unnecessary (though to me it sounds as though they were trying to be helpful). Perhaps the woman with the pram also found your words and actions intrusive but was too polite to say so.

If you really think there was nothing else you could have done to cope with your child's tantrums, then perhaps that sense of helplessness was being communicated to others in the vicinity. Their age is irrelevant. Except, of course, that it is culturally acceptable to view older women as interfering know-it-all types who should be ignored as much as possible. It seems you counted on that attitude being prevalent here.

BertrandRussell · 20/08/2017 14:27

"I do think people are unnecessarily latching on to the ageist debate and losing sight of the fact that op has, rightly or wrongly, felt humiliated by another adult."

Humiliated? Really? Hmm

gandalf456 · 20/08/2017 14:28

Yes

gandalf456 · 20/08/2017 14:30

pretty humiliating for someone to question your parenting by referring to your children as spoilt , isn't it. You don't exactly feel a bundle of confidence while all 3 kids are kicking off even without that sort of judgement. Doesn't take a genius to suss out really

BertrandRussell · 20/08/2017 14:33

"pretty humiliating for someone to question your parenting by referring to your children as spoilt "

Yeah, well, that was a drip feed when the thread wasn't going the way the OP hoped. Not mentioned at the beginning at all.

Logans · 20/08/2017 15:12

2 of the ladies......did go onto say how spoilt this generations children were.

That was bloody rude of them and could be regarded as a bit ageist too.

Regarding the OP, I don't think that trying not to be ageist means that we have to also completely deny that any generational differences exist at all. I think in my mother's day having social interactions and judgement from strangers was an expected part of life.

Actually, I remember my mother telling me that when she was growing up it was fine for an adult you didn't know to both offer you a biscuit if you were being good or give you a clip around the ear if you were rude (in the absence of parents).

Sometimes I think it's easy to forget how different things were for other generations...... but those two ladies were rude by 2017 standards.

TheFirstMrsDV · 20/08/2017 15:13

It would be ageist 'both ways' if those of us who were pulling OP up on her attitude were also telling her she is stupid/silly/a bad parent/etc due to her age.

As that isn't happening I don't see that argument at all.

I get the OP probably feels a bit got at by the unexpected responses to her post but if you are going to show pretty obvious disdain for a group of people it shouldn't be that unexpected tbh.

I don't think the OP sounds like a bad parent. Kids kick off sometimes. I don't think bad behaviour from a 7 year old means you are not coping.

All that stuff is normal.

I will challenge horrible attitudes to older women though.

user1498921160 · 20/08/2017 15:17

Jeeze, can no one open their mouths to strangers anymore without offence being taken? Its called social interaction. If people keep going on like this we'll all be living in bubbles before long, in case we upset someone.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 20/08/2017 15:49

What is the problem?

Would you smack an adult on the back of the legs for doing something you disagreed with? I love when people say "a light tap" to try and disguise what it really is. It's smacking.

Children are not sub-human. We don't stand for people smacking their pets, why should we stand for people smacking their kids?

Everyone wheels out the "it didn't do me any harm" but it's bred a generation of people who advocate using violence as a parenting technique; I'd say that's done a fair amount of harm.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 20/08/2017 15:56

That said, I don't think the comments would have bothered me hugely (other than the "spoilt" one), it sounds like they were trying - albeit failing - to alleviate the situation.

3yo DD had a meltdown in ASDA today, total sensory overload (we're fairly sure she has ADHD). Some kids turned and stared at her, and I expected their parents to tell them to stop being nosy, which is what we do with DD when there are tantrumming kids nearby. Nope, the parents turned and gawked too.

If there had been one smile, one reassuring look of "I've been there", even one comment along the lines of "oh dear, what's all the fuss about?", I could have coped. She needed a minute at the absolute most to just breathe and calm down, and I just needed someone to at least look sympathetic.

Everyone around us just glared, so I picked her up, carried her out of the shop (making the meltdown even worse because she needs to not be grabbed or even really touched when they're happening), the people in front of us walked their absolute slowest down the stairs because they were gawking at us too, and once I'd gotten her in the car I sat there and cried. This was people of all ages. Although it was all elderly people in your example, OP, I don't think it's a problem exclusive to any generation. People are judgemental dickheads.

NormaSmuff · 20/08/2017 15:59

perhaps the people in asda have had their fingers burnt

NormaSmuff · 20/08/2017 16:01

perhaps they had had their noses bitten off in the past for daring to pass comment. who knows. i am sorry for your experience in asda but please dont tar everyone with the same brush.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 20/08/2017 16:03

Fair enough Norma but there's a huge range of social interactions between making a comment and actively glaring. I wouldn't even have minded if they'd all ignored us completely and just carried on at their usual pace.