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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 04:50

Find some new friends, OP. Keep this one till you do but there are much better friends to be found.
Good advice if you want to sound like a user.

shakeyourcaboose · 20/08/2017 04:52

That's horrible Penelope and if OP willing to do that, then is clear who is the bad friend!

Auspiciouspanda · 20/08/2017 05:05

I'm sorry but letting your friend rush off at nearly midnight for the last bus and then not bothering to check if they made it is a bad friend.

YouCallThataKnife · 20/08/2017 05:09

This is why I only have a couple of friends.

If so many people on this thread alone think this behaviour is ok, the wide world must be full of people pretending to like you but only really for their own ends (so they aren't a billy no mates at the cinema etc), there isn't any care or respect in that, why bother? I'd rather not have people like that in my life.

You are right OP, and even if her reason is 'nervous driver' she should at the very least have made sure you were home ok. What's the point of friends if you don't also look out for them? I don't get it.

The way she is treating you here isn't friendship. Now this may be because she is a bit scatty and thoughtless rather than selfish and uncaring, but you have to ask yourself- is having this friend worth how you feel when you do stuff with her?

BurberryBlue · 20/08/2017 05:11

She sounds terribly selfish to me & extremely inconsiderate.One wonders at the lack of empathy from her part,one should distance oneself from her.Find friends who consider your needs.

BurberryBlue · 20/08/2017 05:13

I concur@
YoucallThataKnife

itsbetterthanabox · 20/08/2017 05:15

I can't drive.
I'd say in this situation let's go to the closer cinema because I can't get back from the other one unless you are ok to drop me?
Although my friends aren't stupid and would know this anyway so wouldn't suggest going somewhere in the middle of nowhere unless they were driving.
Or just do something else. Go for dinner or to each other's house not the cinema.

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 05:20

This is a one off people! The friend usually gives her a lift!! Am I the only one taking this into consideration? So EVERYONE who is saying the friend is selfish, ALWAYS gives all their friends a lift, ON EVERY SINGLE OCCASION they go out????

itsbetterthanabox · 20/08/2017 05:34

Fritz
No that's not true. Read the op 'rarely gives me a lift'.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/08/2017 05:40

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 05:47

I don't expect lifts from anyone but I guess I am lucky in that most people I know offer them. My friend normally does but I won't rely on her to offer again as that is unfair.

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 05:48

So although the friend normally offers, the lifts have been rare? Not for want of her offering.

strawberrisc · 20/08/2017 05:51

Another non-driver here. It's incredibly rare of me to ask for lifts - usually only to hospital appointments but that's more for moral support than the lift itself. However, I actually am driven around a great deal because my friends and family offer. I always pay petrol money. I have all their bank details in my online bank app so if they refuse I just pay when I get home! I'm acutely aware of how generous they are but I enter competitions as a hobby after work. Each and every one of them have benefited from my various wins. NONE of them would leave me to get a last bus home while they jumped in their car.

PenelopeFlintstone · 20/08/2017 05:54

That's horrible Penelope
Well, I don't think so. The friend isn't a good friend but I don't want the OP to be lonely in the meantime as it can take a long time to make new friends and I don't know how many she's got.

Coconutspongexo · 20/08/2017 05:55

This friend has done everything to her advantage (paying less) and left you paying more, she gets unlimited films for £18 a month? Yet you just get £1.50 off?

You've had to travel out of your way so she can do this. I'd have 100% offered you a lift there and back especially with the time it finished.

I'd never walk home of a night/when dark where I live anyway and I can't believe people think you're only unsafe of a night if you live in 'gangland mexico' Confused

YouCallThataKnife · 20/08/2017 05:58

Fritz even if it is the case that this is a one off, why didn't she check OP got home ok knowing the journey she was taking? Doesn't sound like a friend to me.

whiteroseredrose · 20/08/2017 06:02

Not in a million years would I have let you get night buses if I was driving.

I second what others have said. Next time tell her that it was a nightmare getting home from that cinema so she'll need to find someone else to go with. You'd love to see the film at the closer cinema however...

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/08/2017 06:04

sorry this happened to you OP!

OTT much Hmm

Firefries · 20/08/2017 06:06

It's a bit over the top. Yes you'd like her to give you a lift so next time ask. Seriously if you go all that way for her cinema trip how can you not ask her for a lift. Getting mad or frustrated afterwards is silly. I think you knew she wouldn't give you a lift. So I think it's a bit of your fault.

MissBabbs · 20/08/2017 06:15

You need to think this through yourself OP.
How important is it to see friend (maybe you have no others)
How important is it to see film and how important to see it at far away theatre rather than near one.
Is it worth all the travelling
How nervous are you about walking home at night.
I feel you are going along with something to appease the friend. You need to go along with something because it pleases/suits you. Does the arrangement please/suit you? That's the decision you need to make in future. No good complaining afterwards.

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 06:15

even if it is the case that this is a one off, why didn't she check OP got home ok knowing the journey she was taking? Doesn't sound like a friend to me.
As I said, not everyone texts and waits up for an 'alls well' message before going to bed. OP was (as far as friend knew) catching a bus, not walking home through dark alleyways. And I'm sure we've all had at least one occasion when a friend hasn't replied to that text because they didn't check /forgot to. So it's not always that useful. I just don't think it makes her a shit friend because she didn't offer a lift when she usually does according to OP, or its not in her nature to check up afterwards.

rosehiplavender · 20/08/2017 06:20

It is quite refreshing to read worras posts.

I leave my job at the end of this month and the primary reason is that I am constantly being manipulated into driving colleagues everywhere.

Cherrytart6 · 20/08/2017 06:23

she could have collected you and dropped you in town. An extra 5 minutes each time. A good compromise meaning you only have to catch one bus. She's clearly just looking after number one. As long as she has a small/quick distance to travel and gets reduced film costs, sod her friends 2 hour trip and £20 costs.

Piewraith · 20/08/2017 06:29

As a driver who has a few non driving friends, I can see your friends POV. Some people constantly ask for lifts or come out with no way of getting home except me driving them. They always say "oh it's just an extra five minutes" but it never is, it's usually 20-30 minutes each way.

But, having said that, if I don't want to give a lift I only suggest places that are easy for that person to get too. OP YWNBU to say sorry, can't get to that Cinema, let's go to xx instead.

PenelopeFlintstone · 20/08/2017 06:29

Exactly, Cherrytart!