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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
smurfit · 20/08/2017 00:52

I would and do give my friends lifts about town if I'm driving and they aren't (but we don't have anything serious in the way of public transport). I don't think you're being unreasonable to be a bit put off but at the same time, she's not a mind reader so you should have just asked.

Cherrytart6 · 20/08/2017 00:52

Don't bother going to the cinema that late?

Your friend should have given you a lift in this occasion. Personally I'd tell her that youll only go to the closer cinema as you don't think it's fair that you have to spend £xx on bus fare and almost 2 hours traveling just to save her a tenner.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2017 00:53

Its very mean. If I am driving then I will pick people up and owuld refuse petrol money although I would probably let them get me a coffee or something. Its just what you do for mates!

I agree that you need to start saying that if she wants to go to that cinema then she has to drive you there and back as you missed the bus this time and dont want to risk it again. She cant have it all her own way, either you get yourself to an accessible cinema or if she insists on going to her preferred one than she transports you.

Gemini69 · 20/08/2017 00:54

I wouldn't agree to go to that Cinema again... x

MadMags · 20/08/2017 00:54

You spent money on a cinema ticket, but wouldn't spend £8 to stop your child being woken at midnight??

If you were my friend I would have brought you home, but I wouldn't be under any obligation to do so. And tbh, hinting would have just annoyed me!

Sprogletsmuvva · 20/08/2017 00:54

Cycle?
Walking times are usually reckoned on 3mph, an easy-ish bike ride is 12mph.
I don't drive either and generally use a bike to travel anywhere over a mile or so (and not in the naicest of areas either).

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 20/08/2017 00:56

Holy fuck £8 is cheap as fuck for a taxi. Tbf though it would have been nice of her to offer a lift I wouldn't see a friend making her own way back at that time of night in the dark.
She probs had a shag on his way round and didn't have time.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2017 00:58

If the OP has a set budget for nights out and buses are affordable then the extra for a taxi can be a step too far. Her DH is on not more than minimum wage and it sounds like she is a SAHM, so I dont think its unreasonable to not want to spend that money on a cab (on top of already catching one of her buses).

Her child was woken as a one of, it happens and is hardly the end of the world.

crazycatgal · 20/08/2017 00:58

@LolaTheDarkdestroyer £8 is not always 'cheap as fuck for a taxi' as it depends where you live. I got a taxi a couple of months ago and for a 15 minute ride it was £2.50.

Cherrytart6 · 20/08/2017 00:59

She should have gone to the cinema closer to you. She's got it all in her favour really!! She gets free/cheap film and quick direct transport home. You get to pay full price for a cinema ticket and travel almost 2 hours at some ungodly hour for the pleasure and cover bus fare.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:59

Yes you are to right to the people who have said to just stick to the closer cinemas. I will do that in future.

I think I was a bit swayed by my DP and my mum who thought it mean she didn't offer.

I don't expect lifts from anyone but I guess I am lucky in that most people I know offer them. My friend normally does but I won't rely on her to offer again as that is unfair.

I accept I was unreasonable to get my daughter up.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/08/2017 00:59

By the way I should probably add

I can't think of a single one of my friends who wouldn't insist on driving me home in your situation OP.

But my point is, they're not obliged to and nor should they ever feel that they are.

And if they did insist (which they would) I would in turn insist on handing over the £8 it would have cost me in a taxi anyway.

No doubt they wouldn't accept it, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, I wouldn't dream of going out without having that amount of money to see myself home safely, given that as an adult I am responsible for my own safety.

So perhaps next time, tell her you need to stay local, or spend more time saving up so you have the £8 tucked away in your purse.

OlennasWimple · 20/08/2017 01:00

There are all kinds of reasons why she didn't offer a lift, and because you didn't ask in advance, the evening was a disruption for you, your DH and your DD.

Next time say you need to go to the closer cinema, or get a lift please.

WorraLiberty · 20/08/2017 01:01

Sorry, X posted there Thanks

LittleLights · 20/08/2017 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OlennasWimple · 20/08/2017 01:01

Offer her a fiver for the petrol maybe? Still less than a taxi but it would almost certainly cover her costs

OlennasWimple · 20/08/2017 01:02

x-post

What did you see? Was it good??

Cherrytart6 · 20/08/2017 01:02

Don't feel bad about waking your DD.

If you were my friend I would have noticed the long hours you had to travel and the higher cost of your cinema ticket and the late hour and insisted I drive you home.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 01:06

I do always offer her money for petrol but not sure it would have made much difference tbh as we had a similar situation a year ago where me and a mutual non driving friend were at hers for a evening. It finished late and we struggled to get a taxi (tried 3 different firms). I suggested to my friend she give us a lift home in return for the taxi money which was £8 and she didn't want too. We managed to get a taxi in the end so not a problem she didn't take us home but was a bit surprised as £8 would have covered her costs plus some extra.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 20/08/2017 01:07

Fwiw I think people are being harsh about you having to get Dd out of bed. Its a one off and not.gonna do her any harm!

However you should avoid puttin yourself in situations where this could happen. As people have said dont go to this cinema late at night again and wherever you go always ensure there is transport home and dont risk missing the last bus.

Avoiding this is your responsibility not your friends but I think she ought to have offered and it was a bit mean. I would text her saying thanks for a lovely evening but next time you need to meet earlier and somewhere more convenient as you had a tough journey home. Dont drop her as a friend just keep meet ups on your terms.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 20/08/2017 01:09

You're going to have to tell her 'Sorry, I cannot go to x cinema late at night as I need to use public transport to get home and the last bus is earlier than the film ends.'

At which point she either goes "Don't be silly, I'll give you a lift home!", "Okay, we can go to the cinema near you" or "Oh well, we can't really go out then."

PinkCrystal · 20/08/2017 01:09

Yanbu
My friends and I give each other lifts all the time. It's being a good friend.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 01:10

OlennasWimple - Girl's Trip.Was ok, funny in parts.

PyongyangKipperbang - You have it spot on. The bus was £4 so £12 in total is a lot for me just to get there and back.

OP posts:
perper · 20/08/2017 01:12

You really are getting some harsh responses here.

It is irrelevant whether you drive or why you don't drive.

Getting your DP out of bed is not that unreasonable in your circumstances. She'll be fine.

I do find it odd your friend didn't offer- pretty much everyone I know would have. I'd never expect a friend to get two buses home (or a bus and a walk/taxi) at that time when I was getting in the car anyway. She's certainly not obliged to give you a lift, but it's odd not to unless she has to rush home (I'm assuming here that it wouldn't be a long drive for her- if it would, then yes, fair enough for her not to offer).

In future say you need to go to the cinema closest to you as transport is difficult for you. Smile

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 20/08/2017 01:12

I don't expect lifts from anyone I won't rely on her to offer again

If you were relying on her to offer then you were expecting to get a lift.
Next time:

  1. Don't go out if you can't afford to (i.e taxis)
  2. Go to a cinema nearer to you 3)Don't wake your dd out of bed at midnight just so you can get a lift home.

An additional 15/20 minutes of driving to pick someone up because they don't want to get a bus would be a pain in the arse.