To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

[jenniferl1983]

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

you should have offered her the £8 to drive you home. sure she'd have given you mates rates say £5... petriiil is'nae cheap, you know. not to mention time..
:-P

PS 20mins to reach you 20mins back that 40mins for your daughter to get you plus double pertill money.. did you give her the £8? An hours wage?

bemusedmoose - I have accepted I was wrong to get my daughter up. I will ensure it won't happen again. It was a one off and she was fine.

puddleduckmummy - it's an unlimited card so she pays a subscription to see unlimited films. I get a £1.50 discount off my ticket although I still pay £1 more at this cinema than I would at the one closest to me.

littlebird77 Mon 21-Aug-17 17:57:09
What you are really saying, it isn't JUST the lack of offer of a lift (which a good and kind friend would have offered anyway) but also the lack of care that you even got home safely. She seems indifferent to the fact you felt vulnerable.

Yes this is spot on. If it had been a bit earlier in the day I wouldn't have felt the same. I think a text to ask if I'd caught the bus would have made me think she wanted to make sure I was ok. Like I've said on this thread I can't feel easy if I think someone might not get home safe. I've given friends lifts home (via my dp) and I'd give friends bus fare/taxi money if they needed it. I wasn't offered a lift in and I had no issue with that as it was still light, the buses were regular and it was busy.

Dad2Cariad - I'd rather give the £8 to a taxi driver tbh as I'd at least been giving it to someone who wanted to give me a lift iyswim.

As for your second comment it was my dp who gave me the lift, it was less than 20 mins and I didn't pay him as we are a family!

God, can't believe some of you are totting this up, the mentality of some.

I would and have in the past bundled my youngest up to collect people stranded (partner works shifts) recently my teenager daughter after a concert when her friends dad car would not start. I do not think you or your partner were wrong in anyway putting your daughter in the car for your safety. Other people being happy to walk home is fine for them but they are not you .

Boulshired
Why not a taxi?

The few times I have is usually because they cannot get a taxi because of long waits.

Totally baffled by a few things here:

1. I am 41 and don't drive & would always check my friends had got home safe later than say 9:30/10pm if they were also using public transport (just common courtesy in my book, but 1 friend does have Spina Bfida, so I worry more about her than others).
2. I have lived all over UK - Bristol, Liverpool, Reading, Windsor & Wales & I would always check after 9:30/10pm - some of these places have been safer than others at night, but generally I wouldn't walk 30-45 mins alone past round 9:30pm because a) I actually have a proper phobia of the dark and b) the media suggests I'll definitely be raped or killed - especially if I wear a mini skirt & I'd rather not be daft enough to disbelieve those odds.
3. How is £8 for a cab ride pricey? I used to pay £5 for 5 min journey cab fare in Windsor, which was a 10 min walk, so £15 (not £8) might be pricey - although I do get the whole £8 is 1 hr work to the hubby as mine has been earning £300 a month p/t working for Domino's since Nov, so I relate, but think either budget for a whole night out or ask mate for a lift & say you'll pay towards petrol or you'll get home under own steam if go to a cinema more local to you or equi-distance between your home & hers. Then tell her it's common courtesy for you both to check in to find out the other got home safe - otherwise the last time she sees you will be CCTV footage of you catching your bus on the news!

Wow - with 'friends' like that, who needs enemies eh? What kind of low-life wouldn't make sure their friend got home safely late at night? You are quite right to feel a bit pissed, gosh what's happening in the world that this spiteful 'i'm alright jack, f*ck you' attitude prevails, it's shocking! ...''It's not her fault you can't drive''...seriously? It's about being a decent human being/friend surely?

It's standard with me and my friends we text to say we're home safe!

the media suggests I'll definitely be raped or killed - especially if I wear a mini skirt & I'd rather not be daft enough to disbelieve those odds.

Seriously??! I'm hoping this is tongue-in-cheek and you don't really believe this.

Ignoring whether or not your friend should have given you a lift, it's pretty rubbish that she didn't check that you got home ok.

Op, have you heard from her since your cinema trip?

The couple of times we have been to that cinema she has offered a lift. So it's usual for her to offer a lift from there but she doesn't offer lifts reguarly as she doesn't have her car to offer them.
Thanks for clearing that up OP, however I still don't know why you're so pissed off if she usually offers a lift but hasn't on this one occasion. Unless you expected it because she has been kind enough to do it the previous times, and you feel entitled to a lift from the cinema on every occasion because of it.
In which case you are overwhelming being unreasonable by expecting it, without accepting that she might have a reason not to give a lift on this occasion. Also, you make yourself sound like the worse friend imo, for being so presumptuous, then bagging off your usually kind and helpful friend on the one occasion she didn't offer a lift. You didn't ask, or even find out if there was a reason. You just jumped on here for 'confirmation' that she was in the wrong. All those pp saying they would give you a lift home, so would I, but there has been the odd time I haven't offered as usual, doesn't make me a bad person. Although, I hope your friend reads this and never offers you a lift again, as you clearly don't appreciate the lifts she has given you before.

"Ow mate, gizza lift"

Why o. Earth didn't you ask?

MrsFig - no although I have been on Facebook so she might have noticed I have liked mutual friends statuses.

FritzDonovan - I didn't jump on her for confirmation that she was wrong not to offer a lift, my thread title asks if I'm wrong to be upset and would it put people off a friendship with someone. I felt that by not checking I had managed to get the bus she wasn't concerned about my safety.

In my head I suppose I thought I had agreed to that cinema for her benefit (the film was showing at the one near me 50 mins later) and that she would consider that. I have accepted I was wrong to think that. It was not for her to think of and I should have raised the issue prior to agreeing to meet up.

Re our friendship in general. I do things for her too - I've given her the odd gift when I've thought of it (had a Lush bath bomb I was going to give her that night but had left it home). I have never had a random gift back. I bring discount vouchers when we eat out (never been thanked for that) etc. I don't think I'm a bad friend but accept your comments. (I realise it seems mean and petty to tot things up like that but when people say I should be more appreciative I want to say it balances out).

Oh and I took an empty veggie cheese burger wrapper home with me in a taxi because she didn't want it in her bin when I ate at her place (she's vegan). I didn't push the issue when she wouldn't give me a fork to eat it with either for the same reason. I try to be a good friend back!

I have a friend in similar circumstances to you and she can't drive. I'd be chuffed to bits if she offered me a soft drink to go into the cinema with her or a small token of appreciation. In fact last week she left me in the lurch in my wheelchair which I really struggle to push. I did though, but really paided for it two days following. At least though she's had to compromise on other points! As for presents/gifts, I was brought up to think that it's the thought that counts, not the size/how much it cost/whatever. Personally, I'd be chuffed to bits with any small present a friend gives me. In fact another friend did give me a small gift the other day, small but very thoughtful, and something I'll always treasure. I burst into tears much to her surprise until I said I rarely get given presents out of the blue. She is my ex's OH too (we were 16; childhood sweethearts), although when I do see them (rarely, they've moved abroad) the four of us get on like an absolute house on fire, my DH included. My ex and I are far more like brother and sister, realised it at the time and stopped the relationship, but we really care about each other. He cares more about me and my welfare than my own DB does. I am very unwell, and last year I was seriously unwell. Because I hadn't been on the net for a while he thought something awful had happened; basically that I'd passed away. He was close! He was very emotional indeed when I saw him and likewise, but both of our partners realise that if something was going to happen between us, it would have happened a long time ago. However, it wasn't something I expect. I was shocked that my dear friend thought that had happened and I will be more conscientious of it in the future and not take his friendship so much for granted. I did explain to him that Internet access in the hospital wasn't easy and I was in no fit state to do anything at all. I'm honestly just not used to people caring that much about me. Especially in comparison to my DB! Mind you, maybe I'm not so surprised there...
Whenever we do go out, I always offer this friend a lift home regardless. I don't think I've ever forgotten and I sincerely hope that she'd remind me if I forgot. I ask her because as a friend and I care for her and her safety.
As far as I'm concerned, my friends are precious to me. Each and everyone. This friend of yours doesn't seem to be particularly bothered at all, especially as it was quite a rigmarole for you, getting there. Did you mention that to her? She's really taking you for granted and in your shoes it would be a friendship that I'd consider the value of. You mustn't let yourself be taken for granted. Please, for both of your sakes, speak up and ask for a lift. A real friend wouldn't hesitate in saying yes. If she says no, consider the friendship. Without meaning to sound horrid, you do sound overkeen and desperate. I wonder if she's taking advantage of that/you? I think she is. In the spirit of being generous, maybe the thought just hasn't crossed her mind? Some people are like that I guess... I'm sure there are other people out there who'd love to go out with you and would hopefully be kinder. I really think she's taking your kind nature and friendship for granted. Maybe give the friendship a short rest and arrange going out with someone else. Even if you haven't been out with them before. You may very well find someone more keen and less ungrateful. I think if my friend gave me a bath bomb I'd cry with gratitude! Honestly!

Wow not a nice friend is she. You put yourself out so that she can use the cinema of her choice which is further for you and she cannot be bothered to offer a lift..
Next time suggest the cinema near you since you take 50 mins/expensive taxi or have to wake DS up to get home!!

YANBU - dump the 'friend'

OK, OP. But I still don't think it's reasonable to be upset when she didn't offer one time, when she usually does! You're making a mountain out of a molehill, but it's good to see you now realise you were possibly unreasonable to expect a lift every time, purely based on past visits.

As for totting up the lush thing/burger wrapper/discount vouchers etc, if you want to look at it like that, doesn't this just even out the lifts she has given you? If you think of your friendship on terms like this, I think there is always going to be a problem somewhere if someone is 'keeping score' on favours.

Fritz I think you have misunderstood and that OP is more upset that friend seemed very unconcerned for her safety, as OP would have had a 45 minute walk home, very late at night.

I think OP's reasoning (that she will tell this friend she can only go to her local cinema from now on, unless friend can give her a lift to the cinema 50 minutes away) is much more sound than yours, which seems to be that OP should continue to let friend treat her this way.

I think your friend is self centred and quite frankly, bat shit crazy when I comes to no fork for veggie cheese burger.
I personally would drive ant of my friends anywhere at that time of night and they would me. But we communicate well and love each other.
3 of us live within 5 mins walk of each other and we always text to say we're safe, in quite a nice area. Alternatively, our husbands walk the others home.
There are some nasty fuckers on MN these days. It's not a competition to see how insular and self sufficient you can be. FFS

Fritz I think you have misunderstood and that OP is more upset that friend seemed very unconcerned for her safety, as OP would have had a 45 minute walk home, very late at night.

I think OP's reasoning (that she will tell this friend she can only go to her local cinema from now on, unless friend can give her a lift to the cinema 50 minutes away) is much more sound than yours, which seems to be that OP should continue to let friend treat her this way.

I disagree. The friend thought OP was getting the bus, not walking home alone in the dark.
Also, at no point did I say she should allow her friend to 'continue to treat her this way', I have agreed with the various other pp who have given a range of other options which make more sense.
However, not everyone texts at the end of the evening, as her friend has given her a lift the other times they have been to this cinema (not such a shit friend then), maybe she didn't think of it.
Also, the thread is entitled 'to be upset at friend not offering a lift', the majority of the OP was referring to this, not a text. And to reiterate
I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.
As far as friend was concerned, OP caught a bus, wasn't walking. She doesn't usually text to make sure she gets back so this aspect seems tacked on to the primary complaint of expecting, but not receiving, the offer of a lift. If texts were an issue she has had plenty of opportunities to raise it before this occasion.