To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

[jenniferl1983]

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

Yes text her 'hi x, it was very time consuming getting to and from the cinema so late. And then the cost of everything. I think I'll stick to my local cinema in the future. I know it's more expensive for you but it seems a good compromise'

Don't text anything now and don't drop her as a friend- just make sure that when and where you next meet is convenient for you in terms of transport, and explain when you make those arrangements.

Blimey, don't text her now about it! Just discuss transport home when you plan your next trip out!

"I think I was a bit swayed by my DP and my mum who thought it mean she didn't offer."

It is definitely a little bit mean not to offer, but surely just thoughtlessness.

It is more understandable for her to not think to offer than for you not to ask. I wouldn't necessarily offer an inconvenient lift to an adult friend in most circumstances, though I probably would at night.

Just say no next time OP - or explain why the nearer cinema suits. If that's a deal-breaker not so much of a friend.

At least you have buses! and taxis! in my neck of the woods it's £30 to get back from town in a taxi and £8.50 bus but those stop early. I sometimes visit a friend in another (rural) county and there are no taxis on standby at the train station and absolutely none after 10pm if you haven't prebooked two days ahead. And no buses to his village after 7pm.

This reminds me of the weekday wedding moans where the B&G get a cheap wedding at the cost of their guests.

The friend gets a cheap night out by transferring to cost to the OP who's paying out in time and money to get there and back. Either she gives the OP a lift or accepts paying at the cinema closer to home.

Your friend is not a mind reader. She has probably presumed that since you have made clear the bus times that you were happy to get the bus, but if you knew that leaving the cinema would have made you miss a bus then you'd have spoken up and asked if there was any chance of a lift since you literally had no way home beyond an expensive taxi and it was her "fault" you were on the other side of town. Also since she saw you onto the bus from the cinema she probably mentally classed you as "enroute home" and hadn't considered the fact you might have missed your second bus.

You say that the town centre where you had to change was 5 mins walk from her house, could you not have asked if she could have given you a lift into the town centre because you were concerned about missing your connection? That way, if you still missed the second bus, at that point you would have had the chance to ask if she minded driving you all the way home or if you could come to hers and wait in her living room for your DH to collect you/for a taxi to arrive rather than waiting in the cold and dark alone (in my town you can easily wait 30 minutes for a taxi if you want one between 11pm and 1am and you're not at a taxi rank outside one of the night clubs/bars)

YABU for expecting your friend to text you to see if you're home safe, what's that about? Why would you not be safe? Where do you live, the ganglands of Mexico? confused

I was attacked and sexually assaulted when I walked home alone through a park in the early hours after a party in the middle of a large UK city. You don't have to live in the ganglands of Mexico or the favelas of Brazil to feel unsafe to be walking through the streets late at night as a lone female.

All of my friends always text/call ("give me three rings") when we get home to let each other know we are safe after splitting up to head home after a night out because we care about each others' welfare enought o want to know our friends made it home safe

Do you have to pay full price for the cinema ticket too OP? Or does she share her cheap deal?

I would be upset by that too OP
Some cold responses here.

Next time she suggest going to that cinema, say flat out "no, that doesnt work for me"

YANBU, and I'm usually the first to say that if you don't drive, them's the breaks.

Your 'friend' doesn't sound nice at all, and if this were her posting, she'd be getting ripped a new one. Rightly so.

Who behaves like that? If there are people posting to this thread who'd do the same as the OP's friend, I'm amazed.

We do "three rings" too, we text each other those words!

We look out for each other. Whats the point in sticking together when you are out, minding each others drinks etc if you dont also keep each other safe when getting home?

Worra

Because I don't live in a particularly "nice" area myself. Perhaps I've become oblivious over the years and will ultimately get stabbed as I blithely walk around the place.

op - if you were my friend, I would have dropped you home. As a driver I do find my non driving friends (and partner) a little annoying but I would still give the lift. Nevertheless your friend isn't obliged to give you a lift home and chose not to.

My friend normally does but I won't rely on her to offer again as that is unfair.
Did you just assume she was giving you a lift and didn't ask? Because yabu if so. She must have obv thought you were happy with the transport arrangements you had, as you didn't mention it.
As for bringing up her not wanting to take you and another friend home after an evening at hers- I can see her point. It's not about the money, you were happy enough to get yourselves there and could have easily booked in advance for the return trip. If she hosted you she's not responsible for delivering you home as well. She'll still have to tidy up after the evening while you would have got back earlier than her and gone to bed while she was still driving back home!
Tbh it does sound as if you expected a lift, even if you say not.

If I meet somebody, I would feel uncomfortable knowing that it was twice as difficult for them to get to the destination, for whatever reason. I'd want to even up the effort required on each side.

So she would've had to have driven 20 minutes to your place, 20-25 minutes back to hers? That's not exactly a small trip, and the $8 you saved on the taxi would've been passed on to her in the cost of petrol.

PyongyangKipperbang - she pays £18 a month (iirc) to see unlimited films. I get a £1.50 discount off my ticket because of this.

melj1213 - a lift to town would have been great and wouldn't have put her out but I would have felt uneasy to ask. She didn't see me get the bus as we went different directions. The bus stop is a few minutes away and is in the opposite direction to the car park

SuperBeagle - it would have taken her 6 mins to get home or 24 to drop me off and then get home. I appreciate that's 18 minutes out of her way but it took me 50 mins to get there and 30 mins to get back and that 30 mins included a lift from my DP. I would have offered her a pound or two to cover costs.

I would have felt uneasy to ask

Why would you have felt uneasy to ask a friend for a relatively minor favour (dropping you in town so you wouldn't miss your connection) yet have an expectation that they would spontaneously offer you a lift some/all of the way?

I might feel a bit cheeky asking a friend for a lift last minute but there is no way I would feel "uneasy" about asking my friend "Hey, any chance of a lift into the town centre and I'll chip in for petrol money? I want to make sure I don't miss Bus2 since it's the last bus and I don't want to risk missing it if Bus1 gets in late, especially at this time of night"

I appreciate that's 18 minutes out of her way but it took me 50 mins to get there and 30 mins to get back and that 30 mins included a lift from my DP. I would have offered her a pound or two to cover costs.*

Doesn't matter if it took you longer, you agreed to the outing without asking for a lift (which I happily offer my friends, doubly so if they express a difficulty with transport, so don't know why you would 'feel uneasy' asking).
So you do expect her to go out of her way so you don't have to bother being an adult and arranging your own transport. You don't know why she didn't offer, she either didn't think or had another reason, but you seem intent on trying to prove how mean and unreasonable she is.
And do you think a pound or two compensates for approx 20 minutes of her time, plus petrol and wear and tear on the car (if you see it as purely transactional)? Isn't it worth more, as the taxi company (who work this out) would be asking for £8?
Be an adult - arrange more convenient meet ups or suck up the transport. You know what she's like.

YANBU and your friend was rude not to offer since you went out of your way to meet her at a cinema convenient to her.
I always drive everyone home when they need public transport at night - maybe I'm a mug but it is easy and I am happy to see them get home early and safely.

I'm quite surprised at these responses!

Not only would I not have alllowed to get two buses at that time of night if I could have given you a lift but I'd have picked you up too.

More time to chat, and cheaper tickets for me is a win win to my mind.

I don't know anyone who wouldn't have offered to take you both ways tbh.

I wouldn't have asked for petrol money either.

I'm glad I'm not the only one Cavender!

I think the point is that most of us would (and do) give friends lifts regularly under similar circumstances, but it's not always possible. OP didn't ask, or in any way indicate she wanted a lift, or that it was difficult. No, she shouldn't have to, she has mentioned a previous occasion her friend didn't give a lift, yet has stated her friend normally does offer a lift. So not really sure what the problem is - is it possible OP assumed she was getting (another) lift and was put out when this didn't happen (even though she hadn't mentioned it)?

So she is getting a night out for less than a fiver and its costing you....at least £20? As I said above, she getting a cheap night out by passing the costs on to you.

The only thing you can do is to say no to that cinema unless she picks you up and drops you off. Otherwise you take it in turns between the one closest to you and her preferred cinema as its the only fair way.

melj1213 - I suppose most people wouldn't feel uneasy but I guess it's how I see our friendship. Sorry to drip feed but she fell out with another friend (just hers not mutual) over a lift. They went to a party and my friend is tee total so her friend asked her for a lift as she wanted to drink (it was New Year). They argued about directions and her friend ended up getting out of the car halfway home and said my friend ''was not a nice person''. I suppose I must have this in the back of my mind.