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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
Billben · 20/08/2017 06:30

No way on earth would I let a friend catch 2 buses to get home at that hour of the night (whether they were a driver or not).I would insist on giving them a lift. Even more so if I had asked them to the cinema of my choosing that was mor inconvenient for them to get to just to save me money. Hopefully this was a one off and she clicks when you decline to go to that particular cinema next time. If she doesn't click, just spell it out to her.

JustMumNowNotMe · 20/08/2017 06:32

Good grief, presumably you are a grown adult, so why on earth did you get your husband and child to come out to walk with you?! Its 30 mins?! Confused

I'd generally offer a lift to my friends in tbis situation aa would they, but if for whatever reason they didnt i would have no issue getting the bus home or doing the walk. If you aren't comfortable on buses/walking alone in then you'll have to pay for a taxi.

Cherrytart6 · 20/08/2017 06:39

At least send her a text with 'damn! That was a nightmare journey home lady night. Got in a x time. No more late showings for me I think'

ohlittlepea · 20/08/2017 06:40

Your poor dd.
If an arrangemebt doesnt work for you gou need to say no or explain going to that cinema means youll beed a lift back. Be assertive.

pigeondujour · 20/08/2017 06:44

I can't get into the "she's not obliged to" mindset. Obligation shouldn't really be the standard for friendship. I couldn't get into a warm car while a friend went to catch two buses late at night, especially if I'd asked her to go to that particular cinema.

WillowWeeping · 20/08/2017 06:51

So rather than walk 45 mins yourself (understandable) you had your DH wake your DD at past midnight and she had to walk an hour and a half round trip?! Returning at past 1:30am in the morning?

That makes absolutely no sense Shock Confused

Alicetherabbit · 20/08/2017 06:55

I know loads of people who don't drive and I always offer them lifts, I would have gone and picked you up too, much more fun to chat about movie on way home

snef · 20/08/2017 06:59

Sounds to me like you do expect lifts. Sometimes it's really annoying when that 'one' friend that doesn't drive always expects someone else to drive them around.
I also used to get really annoyed that I couldn't just drive back to mine after a night out when people used to expect me to go round the houses taking them back home. It's all very well offering petrol money but that doesn't help you making someone get home later which also isn't fair simply because you're too anxious to get a driving license.

pigeondujour · 20/08/2017 07:08

Assuming OP is a SAHM as she mentioned '£8 is an hour's wage for DP' and that meant an £8 taxi is unaffordable. How much are driving lessons, about £17 an hour generally? Then you have to buy and tax and insure and fuel a car. I doubt spatial awareness is the only reason OP doesn't learn to drive.

sandgrown · 20/08/2017 07:16

I am with you OP. I think she should have at least offered a lift. I guess she knows that getting a taxi would be a big expense for you based on what you said about your DP's income. I am quite fearless but would still be wary of walking alone after midnight. I have in the past (rarely) lifted a sleeping child to collect DP after a train cancellation or a drunken night out. They never really woke up! Tell your friend you will have to alternate with the cinema close to you. It's only fair.

Livingdiisgracefully · 20/08/2017 07:20

I was prepared to agree that no one deserves a lift just from the title. But having read the full thread it seems to me your friend really isn't being very friendly. I couldn't expect my friend who doesn't drive to have a fifty minute journey home and back just to save me a few quid on my cinema ticket. I'd either give them a lift home or agree to a cinema nearer to them.

Having said that I agree you need to be more assertive. You cannot necessarily rely on other people to be fair. This friend has proven that she will be her needs first. You can still be friends but just say what works best for you. If she insists on going to her preferred cinema and doesn't offer you a lift home, you can insist you can't go!

Livingdiisgracefully · 20/08/2017 07:21

be *put

Ilovetolurk · 20/08/2017 07:25

I would have offered you a lift home OP given you had made your way there on the bus and you were my friend!

Glumglowworm · 20/08/2017 07:29

Either ask for a lift directly, explain that you can't go to that cinema because the journey home is a nightmare, get a taxi rather than wake your sleeping child and factor the cost into the cost of your evening, or only arrange to go at a time when buses are easier.

i can't believe you and DP would rather wake your child, have him walk half an hour to get you while you hang around the area you feel is too unsafe to walk through alone. Just pay for a sodding taxi. It's still cheaper than driving lessons and buying and running a car

icelollycraving · 20/08/2017 07:34

I don't drive. I'm always ready to get a taxi/bus/walk etc. If someone offers a lift I'm mindful that it doesn't inconvenience them. I hate feeling in debt in any way (my own weirdness). Your friend didn't consider you being inconvenienced. So she gets to use her cinema pass, drive home easily and you get a longer journey and pay going rate? Next time I'd just say no to that cinema. If she didn't want to drop you in town that is near where she lives, then that is a bit thoughtless. The odd things for me would be offering a friend a pound. I just can't imagine giving that amount. I don't drive so clueless on the costs but it seems a piss take amount. I can't work out if your dp got dd out to drive to collect you by car or by walking.
I totally understand £8 for a taxi is too much but if it does, don't put yourself in that position again. To cut off the friendship would be unnecessarily dramatic.

allegretto · 20/08/2017 07:36

Why didn't you just tell your friend that you didn't want to go to that cinema as it wasn't easy for you to get home? Surely you could have decided together what to do?

Tinkie25 · 20/08/2017 07:42

I'm not keen on driving at night, but no way would I not give a lift to my friend under those circumstances.

Cailleach666 · 20/08/2017 07:43

Why did you agree to such a late showing of the movie?

You must have known that transport would be an issue.

bimbobaggins · 20/08/2017 07:53

I would be mortified at the thought of my friend having to get 2 buses home from a night out when I could have driven her home. So you are not bu in being upset but yabu in agreeing to go to the cinema out of town just so she could use her free ticket. Speak up for yourself and say that doesn't suit you.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/08/2017 07:57

As a non-driver (for similar reasons to you - the roads and I are better apart. Nobody needs to share road space with a horrifically indecisive, over-defensive, nervous pootler) - YABU. If transport won't work you say beforehand that you need to go to a different cinema. Or you take it in turns - one time the extra cost is hers (no prepaid card, which I assume comes with a discount) and the next time it is yours (taxi).

TeachesOfPeaches · 20/08/2017 08:04

Sounds like she isn't a confident driver so perhaps can just about manage the 5 minute drive home for her.

I'm non driver but live in London so don't rely on people for lifts.

missmollyhadadolly · 20/08/2017 08:05

OP, what will you do in future?

DanHumphreyIsA · 20/08/2017 08:10

Its very likely that she's uncomfortable, especially if she's nervous and shes had a bad experience, she might be avoiding droving to the same area until shes a bit more comfortable.
I'm the same now, I've been driving for 7 years but I had a crash a couple of months ago and since then I only drive to places I know the ins and outs of, and I know theres ample and easy parking. It can be quite embarrassing to admit to people I know.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 20/08/2017 08:11

I think she's incredibly mean not to offer you a lift home. She's not a mind reader but she knows what your journey entails and if I could avoid the hassle for a friend, I would.

However, knowing what the journey was beforehand, you should have either declined or explained you could only go to the cinema which was more convenient, then it would have been her choice whether to have to decline herself, accept paying for a ticket, or offer lifts.

tigerdriverII · 20/08/2017 08:12

YABU

you're an adult who can read bus timetables. You could have left 5 mins earlier to catch the bus. You could have walked home or got a taxi. You need not have gone in the first place. You could have stated clearly that you 'needed' a lift.

Your transport arrangements are not your friend's business. Nor should she need to know that you got home safely, really do people do this????

No wonder we have such a generation of snowflakes. And as for getting your child up because you're too incompetent to get home on your own: FFS

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