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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 02:54

Friend is still paying transport costs too Pyongyang. Not her fault OP spends more because she doesn't want to (learn to) drive and therefore uses public transport.
Some friends offer lifts, others don't. Friend apparently usually does, yet OP has an issue with this one occasion she didn't.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 20/08/2017 02:55

Don't be so nice in the future Jennifer! I used to be like this, accommodating everybody else, not being any trouble................ I'm in recovery now!

tararabumdeay · 20/08/2017 02:55

Before I passed my test when I was 17 I believed that having a car was a privilege not a right.

Your friend is a git. I'd have picked you up, taken you back home and be pleased to have your company.

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 02:57

Maybe your friend is reluctant to continue being the one who usually gives everyone else lifts after this last incident then OP. You can't assume a lift if you don't ask!

Cavender · 20/08/2017 03:00

gonna Grin

If I was going to have a night out to the cinema with a friend I'd tend to offer them a lift even if they did drive.

Never in a million years would I let someone take two buses at 11pm for the sake of twenty minutes.

3luckystars · 20/08/2017 03:04

I think she is nervous driving at night.

I also think your own instincts are telling you that she isn't nice, so believe what your body is trying to tell you and don't go out of your way for this girl again.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 03:04

FritzDonovan - I did say it was the last bus and that I would have to hurry. She got buses for years so knows how they run in the evenings.

I guess I did hope she would give me a lift but as I knew the bus times I had plans to get home. To me the issue isn't about how long I had to travel for or the cost it was the fact she wasn't concerned that I was hurrying to the last bus at 11pm on the other side of town. She didn't offer to take me to town, come with me to bus stop or text to ask if I had managed to get it. Maybe I'm soft but I would have been concerned if it had been the other way round. Like I said I ask her to text me when she walks home 5 minutes alone.

If this had been during the day I wouldn't have hoped for a lift at all.

As I said I think my views may have been clouded by other people's generosity ie I have had lifts home/or been offered them before from her mum and her grandparents from the town centre and earlier in the evening when I haven't been stranded (in these situations they have offered out of nowhere and in the grandparents case they rang me as I was on my way to happily get the bus) She in turn has had lifts from my stepdad and my dp in the past before she could drive.

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 20/08/2017 03:07

I would never ever let a female friend go home alone at night!

Ignore these harsh responses, I don't believe half of them.

gonnabreakmyrustycage · 20/08/2017 03:12

@Cavender
I'm glad we don't know each other or we'd be arguing over who's driving who.
The only time when this has backfired and I actually got annoyed was when an acquaintance who had just moved to my city mentioned she needed to get to an appointment at the hospital early in the morning during our holidays. I offered to take her as she wasn't sure which buses to get. So I got up at 7, drove to her house (30min), picked her up, took her to the doctors (40min), waited for her in the car (about an hour), then on the way to take her back we stopped for a cup of coffee at costa. When asked if we were paying together she very loudly clarified the barista we were paying separately... Brew

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 03:12

3luckystars - you could be right tbh. She is still quite a nervous driver in some ways. I have a shared private car park where I live and she can't manoeuvre in and out (last time she picked me up she blocked the entrance and was beeped at by someone wanting to come in) and the time before that she had to drive over one of my neighbours lawn to get out as she couldn't reverse around. She also can't park between white lines and has to park in between 2 parked cars.

Hmm maybe that is why? I hadn't thought of that but it could be a possibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 03:13

Of course she is still a better driver than me! and she is a safe one.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2017 03:15

Friend is still paying transport costs too Pyongyang. Not her fault OP spends more because she doesn't want to (learn to) drive and therefore uses public transport.

I drive and am well aware of the costs.. I also know how much it costs to learn, buy a car, tax and insure it. Per journey it isnt much, but its a lot to find in one go which you need to do when you first learn. The OP has already indicated that she is on a low income so presumably the not driving is more to do with cost than willingness. It was on my part which is why I was almost 30 before I took lessons.

Also, the cost of the lift should be traded off against the saving the friend made on her cinema ticket. The saving she makes on her ticket plus the fact that she has much lower transport costs should be borne in mind when thinking about who owes whom. £5 say from the OP would more than cover the costs of the journeys the OP is talking about and I drive a gas guzzling 4x4!

As I said above, it just seems to me that the friend wants it all her own way with a cheap night out and no inconvenient travel, and she gets it by putting the costs onto the OP.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2017 03:17

How the holy fuck did she pass her test?!

Lift etc aside, she sound bloody dangerous.

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 03:24

it just seems odd to me that OP has admitted that the friend usually gives her a lift, on this occasion she didn't and suddenly it's a massive deal and the friend is completely out of order! Who knows why she didn't want to give her a lift on this one occasion!? She usually does, so doesn't that point to the fact she is generally a good friend? Irrespective of time/costs/hints (if that concerned about missing the bus, you could have asked, OP)!

3luckystars · 20/08/2017 03:26

Some people are not great at driving at night.
(Not me, I'm an amazing driver and love parking Wink )

I knew a man who taught people to drive and he used to teach them at night, he always said that 'if you learn to drive in the dark, then driving in the day is easy peasy'

PodgeBod · 20/08/2017 03:26

I think it's awful behaviour really, no way would I let a friend rush off for a bus at that time of night knowing they might miss it. I would have given you the lift and certainly not expected petrol money however I think you really should have spoken up and asked when it was clear she wasn't going to offer. She doesn't sound like much of a friend if you aren't comfortable to ask.

sobeyondthehills · 20/08/2017 03:26

Next time just say if she wants to go to this cinema, she has to pick you up and drop you off, she in not a mind reader. Yes it might have been polite to offer but if you have been burnt before you tend not to.

On the other side of this OP, when I got dumped by friends, I had to pay £250 to get home.

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 03:27

The OP has already indicated that she is on a low income so presumably the not driving is more to do with cost than willingness
Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't OP say she doesn't want to drive as she's too nervous? Irrelevant anyway, friend usually gives a lift. On this occasion she didn't. Moral of the tale, ask-dont assume.

PodgeBod · 20/08/2017 03:31

And op if this happens again (in any form) pay the £8 for a taxi. I know it's a lot of money for you right now but your safety is a lot more important and I would be worried about you standing round in the middle of the night waiting for your dp. It's not a risk worth taking.

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 03:50

^absolutely.
TBH, it's no one else's responsibility to get you home safely. Would have been nice to be asked if you wanted a lift, but you are just as culpable by not asking. Maybe she didn't get the hint, maybe she had something else on her mind, maybe she had to get back. You just don't know, and the fact (which a lot of ppl are ignoring) is that she usually does give you a lift!
I hope she's not reading this, having gotten home and belatedly thinking maybe she should have offered but didn't think in time, having given numerous other lifts and being burned by the last person she gave a lift to...now reading that loads of ppl think she's shit because her 'friend' who she just had a nice night out with is annoyed she didn't get a lift home on this one occasion.
And not everyone texts when they get home. So I wouldn't hold that against her either if you don't tell her you would like that arrangement.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/08/2017 03:50

Perhaps your friend is keen not to set a precedent for always being responsible for getting home. This could easily become an expectation that she picks you up as well as drops you off, and your suggestion of perhaps offering a pound or two suggests limited understanding of her costs. In your friend's position I would be very pissed off with the behaviour of the drunken twat who got out of the car having expected a NYE lift home and I certainly wouldn't be setting myself up as anyone's regular lift.

MagnumAddict · 20/08/2017 04:10

So you want a nervous driver to spend best part of half an hour in the car instead of the 5 mins it would have taken her for your convenience?

Sorry OP I feel yabu

I'd have probably given you a lift as I have done to friends in the past, constantly going out my way.

I didn't recently as I'm heavily pregnant but it was very telling and awkward from a friend who was very vocal about having to rush for the train while asking where I was parked Hmm

It was a bit of an eye opener to be honest so works both ways

vikingprincess81 · 20/08/2017 04:32

Is she the first/only person or one of only a few people in your friendship group who drive? She sounds extremely nervous and not the best driver! Hmm
As for 'arguing over directions' with her friend - WTAF?? If you're getting a lift then sit back, relax and you'll get home safely - who cares if the driver takes a few different streets!
It does sound like driving has become an issue with her, and it is irritating when people expect you to drive them places. I would have driven you home personally, but I'm a confident, competent driver who has no problem with driving at night. I'd say she was making a point, just not sure what it was - if she's asked for lifts frequently by others, then that can get tiresome, and the hinting would have irritated me too - just ask. Equally, I'd never feel uneasy about asking a friend for a lift somewhere - it's just what we do.

shakeyourcaboose · 20/08/2017 04:41

I feel sorry for this friend! There's you, your DP, your mum, other NYE friend all bitching about your disapproval of her taxi service. If she's as shit as you've just said why are you so keen to be in a car with her?

PenelopeFlintstone · 20/08/2017 04:45

I'm glad I'm not the only one Cavender! Me too. With friends like these......Find some new friends, OP. Keep this one till you do but there are much better friends to be found. As a driver, if I were your friend I wouldn't have heard of you getting the bus.