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Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 09:05

Aero - even when my dh work and from home I don't ask for a lift to work never mind me expecting a friend to rejig shifts to give me lifts to work 😱 That's horrifically entitled

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 09:23

No I wouldent either, dh is so lazy and does not offer anyway, even if he can. So I either get a taxi or bus. Never ask my friends. If tgey offer to take me shopping the same time as them, its, fine and I give them petrol money or buy them lunch, but only if they offer. I usually online shop or go there myself. Occasionally there is a lady who goes kickboxing with me who lives near, she will sometimes offer a lift home. I will give her a little something for petrol.

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 09:27

So it's swings and roundabouts and balances out that's reasonable

I baked the friends wedding cake free of charge who left me stranded

codswallopandbalderdash · 21/08/2017 09:31

Maybe your friend isn't the most confident of drivers and didn't want to do such a long journey late at night. Has she driven to your house before? Maybe she was worried if it's a new journey she hasn't done before.

Lweji · 21/08/2017 09:34

I do have to say that between spending one hour of my wages on a taxi and waking up my young child, I'd have told you to call a taxi, if I was your partner.
You can't be that skint if you're having fairly regular trips to the cinema.
I'd just go again only in 4 months instead of 2, or whenever you go.

AlternativeTentacle · 21/08/2017 09:58

I find it very frustrating that people who don't drive assume that it's nothing for us that do to just drop them here or give us a lift there, it's actually an inconvenience to go out of our way to drop people off when it's not on our way.

That is true, however the driver here, insisted on going to the place where she could get a discount with no consideration of the increased inconvenience for the non-driver and the increased cost of the bus/taxi let alone the extra time.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 10:07

Op needs to speak up and say sorry I can't get there, can we meet at cinema near me, or don't go!

0hCrepe · 21/08/2017 10:22

Aero was the 'lucky you' post aimed at me?

Mittens1969 · 21/08/2017 10:22

I used to hate being the only one in my social group having a car; I ended up feeling like an unpaid chauffeur and felt I should wear a cap!

I also had a boyfriend who couldn't drive and I ended up being tired of doing all the driving myself. Because I just found myself thinking, why doesn't he just learn to drive?? That is really the question your friend will be asking herself about you. Why not learn?

What non-drivers often fail to appreciate is that the driver has to not only take you to your home but then go back home yourself. How far away does she live from you, OP?

If it's raining, of course, that's different! I would give a lift happily in those circumstances, in fact I would offer.

And why not pay for a taxi? It's not really a saving at all having your husband come and pick you up, as you're paying for petrol both ways.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 11:08

No it wasent Ocrepe, it was at another poster.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 11:15

It was at Cailleach666. In fact the op friend, had made her miss her connecting bus by insisting she stay for the rest of the film, as a result op missed the last bus. The friend should have had the decency to offer op a lift as a result. Very selfish, next time you meet closer to you, or don't meet her at all.

CatsAreAssholes · 21/08/2017 11:15

and if everyone drove there would be even more whining about congestion on roads and more money wasted fixing those roads. Small price to pay to drop a friend off once in a while

Mittens1969 · 21/08/2017 11:52

I do see that factor, reading the op again, yes that wasn't right either, it's easy for those of us who drive to forget how tricky buses can be in the evening.

I still wouldn't question the friendship over it, good friends are hard to come by. And getting your DH to wake your DC up really wasn't on. Just fork out for a taxi.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 21/08/2017 11:52

Fritz - re the lifts - we usually meet in the town centre and my friend walks to the venue so can't offer a lift. The couple of times we have been to that cinema she has offered a lift. So it's usual for her to offer a lift from there but she doesn't offer lifts reguarly as she doesn't have her car to offer them.

I mentioned the no lifts for the last 10 times to illustrate its not a regular thing for her to be able to offer and that I'm not constantly getting lifts from her which would be rude/entitled.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 21/08/2017 11:57

Kittens - to drop me off and get home it would be an extra 18 minutes.

Re the taxi. The petrol used by my DP would not cost anywhere near what the taxi would have.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 21/08/2017 12:08

It costs a surprising amount though, and in wear and tear on the car. All I mean is that it's not free and there is a cost of time for your DH, and waking up your DC. I wouldn't think of asking my DH to do that.

And 18 minutes is a bit of a nuisance to your friend. I would probably do it in view of the fact that I'd persuaded you to watch the end of the film, or maybe helped with the cost of the taxi.

Mittens1969 · 21/08/2017 12:19

When claiming expenses for work, my DH claims 50pence per mile, that's standard. So let's say the cinema is 10 miles away, for the sake of argument. The cost there and back would be £10. So yes, probably a little less than a taxi but not worth the saving because of the inconvenience.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2017 12:51

The "I use £30 of petrol and drive 15 miles a week" comment waaaay back up there has been bugging me, so I worked it out.

That would give a rough MPG of 6. Given that most modern cars have an MPG of around 30 for urban driving, I cannot imagine what car she is driving as even a Bugatti Veyron has MPG of between 10 and 20!

SandyDenny · 21/08/2017 13:02

When claiming expenses for work, my DH claims 50pence per mile, that's standard

At the risk of being pedantic Mittens, afaik that is not standard, the Inland Revenue only allow you to claim a maximum of 45p per mile, does he pay tax on the difference, if not he might get a fine if they find out

LeakyLittleBoat · 21/08/2017 13:25

OP you knew up front this cinema trip would involve you taking two buses there and two buses back with very fine timings re last buses late at night so why did you agree to do it? A simple "no, let's go to an earlier viewing or a different more convenient to me cinema or, if you insist on that particular place and time, I'll need you to drop me home after " to your friend. But no, you decided to go anyway - you knew It was going to be problematic getting home and now you're complaining after the fact because it was problematic getting home. It all leaves me less than sympathetic. It's not your friend's responsibility, or in fact your DH's, to clean up the mess you made.

ovulater · 21/08/2017 13:30

Your friend is a selfish knob.

You need to be more assertive re going somewhere more convenient for you

SapphireStrange · 21/08/2017 13:34

I don't drive and I never ask anyone for lifts, although if they're offered I accept and am grateful for.

You could have just said you couldn't go to that cinema if getting home was going to be such a big deal.

Oblomov17 · 21/08/2017 13:41

If you don't drive/choose not to learn to drive, then surely these are the problems you encounter.

I'm afraid that there is little sympathy, from me, because this is a choice. Learning to drive was very very important o me, so I learnt to do at as soon as I could after turning 17.

Why didn't you just stand up for yourself more? - just say at the beginning: " I cant go to that cinema/that showing is too late for me, I have to get 2 buses at 11.58, taking 50 minutes, and that's no good for me."?

FindoGask · 21/08/2017 13:58

I seriously can't believe anyone is arguing that you're being unreasonable in hoping for a lift home. You're having to take 2 buses and do a 50 min journey to go to a cinema of your friend's choosing, because it's convenient to her, when you could go to one just a short walk away.

I do agree that you should be more assertive though. Either straight-out ask for a lift, or explain that the journey you'd have to take to get to that cinema is too long and complicated.

raspberrycordial · 21/08/2017 14:13

Not unreasonable to expect it at all and I would have given a lift and you wouldn't have had to ask. I think that next time she asks just say, "sorry I can't as the buses don't go that late and last time do had to wake dc to come and pick me up"-would be interesting to see her response and if she then twigged about offering.