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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 21/08/2017 14:29

@SandyDenny, I don't know, my DH is a stickler about everything and a union rep, so I can't imagine him making a mistake like that.

lavendermint · 21/08/2017 14:43

OP sounds really nice - too nice - so not aimed at her but in general I do agree with Cailleach

I do find the expectation many non drivers have that someone else will take responsibility for them frustrating.

Incidentally any of my friends who 'scolded' me for being out alone in he dark would not stay my friend for long.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 14:55

oblemov driving is not a choice. Some people like me ha failed numerous tests, I can't afford to take any more. I am dyspraxic and have bad spatial awareness, and panic a lot. Some people like me probably should not be driving.

AlternativeTentacle · 21/08/2017 14:57

@SandyDenny, I don't know, my DH is a stickler about everything and a union rep, so I can't imagine him making a mistake like that.

Government mileage on private car business use is 45p a mile. Perhaps he just rounds up for you.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 14:57

The choice was made for me, not much I can do with failed driving tests!

SandyDenny · 21/08/2017 15:16

@mittens1969 maybe as @alternativetentacles says he is rounding up for you, hopefully otherwise he is doing it wrong and may face tax penalties.

Just in case he wants to double check, it's here

www.gov.uk/expenses-and-benefits-business-travel-mileage/rules-for-tax

Mittens1969 · 21/08/2017 15:28

@AlternativeTentacle, yes that's probably it. Clearly I don't know, I don't see his expenses claim forms obviously lol.

Maireadplastic · 21/08/2017 17:46

I can drive, so can my husband. We have three children bur choose not to own a car. That is our choice. I NEVER expect anyone to accommodate that choice. If they offer me lifts, that's lovely but I would never ask.

littlebird77 · 21/08/2017 17:57

What you are really saying, it isn't JUST the lack of offer of a lift (which a good and kind friend would have offered anyway) but also the lack of care that you even got home safely. She seems indifferent to the fact you felt vulnerable.

You are really saying she cares very little for you.

I would be inclined to agree.

Definitely only make time for this friendship on your own terms, within walking distance from your house, and don't compromise yourself again.

AyUpMiDuck · 21/08/2017 18:02

sounds like you need to be more assertive when you are making arrangements. Her " lets go to x its where i have a ticket" You: "no thats too far for me to travel by bus, lets go to the one near me"

Lovingit81 · 21/08/2017 18:04

She sounds like a crap mate, life is too short. Bin her off. X

Nupro · 21/08/2017 18:06

I think it is mean of your friend not to give you a lift. I would not leave a friend to catch the bus at that time. Next time just say it was too difficult to get home from that cinema and go to a closer one. Friends are supposed to help each other and if you were my friend I would understand. Not every one can pay for a taxi especially if the budget is tight .

Hullygully · 21/08/2017 18:22

Your friend is just a bit horrid. And not a friend.

Mollieben · 21/08/2017 18:27

I would give any of my friends a lift home and they would all give me a lift home. That's what friends are for! I wouldn't expect petrol money either unless we were going on a long trip somewhere - an hour away or more

rogueantimatter · 21/08/2017 18:34

Your friend sounds like she's pretty selfish I'm afraid.

TheHumanRace · 21/08/2017 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ewen1234 · 21/08/2017 18:53

I don't drive either by choice (I also think I am doing the world a favour by staying off the road!!), but if I DID have a car it would be automatic that my friend would get a lift home...she IS my friend, and I would be mortified if my friend felt that she had to ask. Of course, its not a given that I would have to do this, but surely as friends, it is the kind of thing you would do, especially as she doesn't have her own car.

If it was just an acquaintance, or someone I know, that's different, but friends..??..

Just my opinon!!

T. XXXX

maudeismyfavouritepony · 21/08/2017 19:06

The reason you had to be so out of your way and incur such costs is because of her choice of cinema for her saving money. She should in turn have offended to pick you up and drop you off.

YANBU.

Next time, tell her it has to be a mutually beneficial location.

Oh, and I don't drive either for the same reasons, I know I'd be dangerous on the road as I can't tell left from right!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 19:19

I am shocked at the amount of meanies on this thread, and I am glad my friends are not like that, we all help each other. This is a one off lift, not a regular occurence. I|t was a cinema of her choice, and she made op late for her bus by telling her to stay longer ,and that it would finish on time, which it did not, and meant the last bus had gone. If she is a decent person, she should have offered op a lift, that is what decent people do! Yes think about that next time, and adjust your friendship accordingly.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 19:21

Driving is a skill which not everybody can do, sometimes its safer if some people don't drive. REally there are drivers on the road, that should really not be driving as they are bloody dangerous and awful.

hks · 21/08/2017 19:58

if she had been any sort of friend she would have offered you a lift at that time of night.
next time pick a time /day so you can get safely home in time without worrying you will miss last bus

i dont drive because i simply i cant afoard the extra's that come with it ..insurance,road tax, garage costs and thats before fuel costs and not everyone lives in an area where you can feel comfortable walking home alone at night and our ours buses run every hour even worse on a Sunday

puddleduckmummy · 21/08/2017 20:13

To be honest, if that was me, I would have given you a lift home without you asking, probably would have even picked you up. Might have charged you a beer next time we went out but definitely wouldn't have you trekking home relying on buses at that time, especially if I'd chosen the cinema. When you say a prepaid card, did she pay for your ticket?

Witheredtits · 21/08/2017 20:33

I had this with an old friend. It was always me taking a bus, two trains and then a walk to meet her (2.5 hours), whilst she got on a bus literally outside her house and took a 10 minute bus ride. She could drive I couldnt. She then got another car and it took her 5 minutes instead of the bus but it still took 2.5 hours for me. Then she wanted me to meet her earlier. It ended up with me leaving my house at 7am to meet her at 9.30. I asked her to meet me halfway and she threw a strop. I then got pregnant with my 2nd and despite horrific sickness she still expected the same - so I decided I'd had enough of her selfish ways and made my excuses. Don't see her anymore and soon realised I was just being used.

bemusedmoose · 21/08/2017 20:50

Not offering is rude..
Not asking is silly..
Dragging a child out of bed, in the cold at 11 pm so you can save a few quid and not be alone... Grow the hell up!!

Im 36, don't drive, single, two kids. I have never ever had the kids dragged out of bed to get me! That is the totally unreasonable thing in this post! (and ive worked nights so have done plenty of walking home alone at horrible hours, admittedly sometimes scared sh#tless)

bananacakerocks · 21/08/2017 20:56

I don't drive and so know what it's like having evenings shortened by bus times!

Perhaps suggest only going to Cineworld cinema (Im assuming it's that one!) during the day (perhaps on "Bargain Tuesday" to make it cheaper for you) and only go in the evening to the cinema near to you.

A 45 minute Google map walk can be quite a way and IMO, it wouldn't have hurt your friend to have driven you to catch the connection bus to ensure that you caught it okay and got home safely.

I'd also use last night's bus catch disaster as a reason to go to the cinema closer to you in future.