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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
Cailleach666 · 21/08/2017 08:04

bellaboo101 Not a high horse at all.

Those who don't drive conveniently allow others to do the driving.

BetterEatCheese · 21/08/2017 08:05

If you just hinted and didn't ask directly, you don't know whether she was up to driving an extra 20 minutes. If she was tired that is a fair bit that late at night.

FritzDonovan · 21/08/2017 08:16

^and you've already given a number of examples to show she's not the best or safest driver. If she can't Park outside your house safely and reliably during daylight hours, why expect her to be confident late at night, with obviously reduced visibility and tiredness to contend with? Maybe she didn't feel up to the longer trip.

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 08:18

I'm a non driver and my friends wil always offer a lift either partially or all the way home, they never take fuel money but I always have some emergency money in the back of my purse in the event that I need a taxi.

I'm fortunate that we have an excellent transport network though and I rarely get a taxi

The one time that really sticks in my mind is we'd gone to a pub near my friends house and me and another friend had arranged to get the last bus into the city centre and then a taxi each home to our homes

At the end of the night she just disappeared after a text didn't say bye or anything just went when we called her it turned out her husband had picked her up and that left me on the other side of town alone at 11pm I got a taxi home at a cost of 25.00

I was a bit miffed that she hadn't mentioned the change of plan as I'd have avoided a black cab and booked a cab or left earlier and got the bus, the most annoying thing was she could have dropped me part way home with out any detour (as we'd done when my dh had picked me up in the past) meaning I could have got a shorter taxi journey or the night bus

In your situation op she could have dropped you to your connecting bus stop with out much trouble so yanbu

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 08:21

nice, that's crap, I would think less of her after that. There is no excuse for not being kind. It's not being assertive, it's not what friends do.

Cailleach666 · 21/08/2017 08:23

I'm a non driver and my friends wil always offer a lift either partially or all the way home,

the most annoying thing was she could have dropped me part way home with out any detour (

How annoying for you, some driver not giving you a lift.

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 08:28

Cailleach666 - how convenient that you've left out the part of my post that states that my dh had given her a lift previously when he'd collected me in the past

Cailleach666 · 21/08/2017 08:33

YorkieDorkie I often use public transport.
If I go to my nearest city I wouldn't dream of taking my car.

But public transport has limitations.
Taking a sick child to the doctor/ill pet to the vet/waste to the dump/small bits of furniture home from Ikea/heavy monthly shop of cans/bottles/getting someplace when time is limited/ferrying elderly relatives and their friends around.

My kids wouldn't be able to do the activities they do without me driving. My DD dances - Advanced Ballet- and has classes straight from school 5 days a week. If she journeyed to the studio by public transport it would take her 2 hours, 3 buses and a long walk.
I can pick her up at school and have her at dance within 15 minutes,

Cailleach666 · 21/08/2017 08:34

Nicpem1982 that';s not you giving her lift though is it. Again you are relying on others to provide your transport.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 08:36

calleach you sound very unpleasent, I am glad I don't have friends like you. This person is a 'friend' first, not just a driver, and it was a one off. Any decent person would ask tgere friend late at night how they are getting home, and offering a lift if they can, or part the way. As Nic said, she had money to pay fir petrol, not expecting a free lift!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 08:37

callireach it's called being kind, which you don't seem to be!

0hCrepe · 21/08/2017 08:40

Very mean of her. I always offer lifts but would also say "don't suppose you could give me a lift" if dh has the car or something.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 08:40

Lucky you being able to drive, some like me are not so lucky and keep failing our tests. In our circle of friends, we help each other out. I have money in the back of my purse for taxi, or for lift money just in case.

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 08:41

Cailleach666 - my dh and I made a decision that I wouldn't drive for various reasons and he would do all of the family driving so he does and we're happy with this arrangement

The car costs come out of out joint finances

We don't leave our friends in vulnerable positions and certainly not late at night

If you've read my whole post we'd arranged transport home and she changed it without saying anything so yeah in those circumstances the decent thing to do is offer a lift part way home (to the connecting bus in this case) especially when your driving past it en route home anyway it's just common decency

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 08:44

Exactly Nic, I totally agree with you, the mentality of some. I am glad my friends would never leave me in that position, we look after one another.

SonicBoomBoom · 21/08/2017 08:49

People buy a car out of convenience a lot of the time.

If you're constantly having to give non-driving friends a lift home on a 20 minute detour late at night, it kind of negates the convenience of having a car.

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 08:50

Aero - i don't go out with this friend very often now tbh

SonicBoomBoom · 21/08/2017 08:50

That said, I'd happily give a lift in these circumstances, but if a friend was getting to expect that I'd drive her everywhere then I wouldn't.

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 08:51

Sonic - I agree with what you're saying

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 08:52

sonic it's a one off and does not happen often. If you had to give liftzilla a lift to work everyday, than yes your right. Entitled people like tgat shoukd be able to get to work by themselves or to their regular activity.

SomeBerryJam · 21/08/2017 08:52

So you're happy to spend the money at the cinema but not on a taxi even if your child has to be woken up and dragged out at 11pm?!

Was just thinking this.....

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 08:55

Aero - liftzilla 😂😂

Polly7705 · 21/08/2017 08:58

I find it very frustrating that people who don't drive assume that it's nothing for us that do to just drop them here or give us a lift there, it's actually an inconvenience to go out of our way to drop people off when it's not on our way. I don't know many people that don't drive except my MIL & she used to ask me to 'pop her to work on my way through' (I used the bypass close to her town when I dropped my daughter to nursery) I did it once & the round trip took me nearly an hour but she didn't understand the inconvenience because she doesn't drive.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 09:01

I know Nic, tgere was a thread in here a few months ago about a lady who expected op to give her a lift to work, and woukd re juggle her shifts to match op. It was 20 min out of her way each way. She was very entitled and expected op to give lifts

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 09:02

Polly - I can appreciate that that would be a pita for you

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