DS wants to change his first name due to teasing

[mashedpotatoes]

My DS has said for a few years that he doesn't like his first name but for the last year he has been getting teased at school because it rhymes with something insulting and he reacts aggressively when this happens.
Over the summer holidays he has chosen two names which he says he prefers rather than his real name. One day he says he prefers one name and the next day it's the other name.
I would be completely happy for him to change if he wants to, but what concerns me is the reaction of everyone else. To start with, I don't think DH is 100% convinced. As a new school year is approaching I think September would be a good time to do it, but I'm not sure how to go about it and if his school friends will accept it.
Does anyone have any advice?

I have long complained here aby my name, but in this instance, it won't help bc he is with the same bullying kids. You can change schools or teach him how to address bullies. My best advice seems to have been "laugh at them" at school, never let anyone see that they hurt you. Come home and cry and we will hold you.

Our ds is named a slang word for man parts....very common saint. We apologized after learning it is no longer a common name when he went to school (don't believe name lists!) And offered to let him change it. He called himself a common name for a few months, but as a class volunteer, one day, I saw him teased and he just laughed and mocked back. My ds is dyslexic and was called "idiot" for real. Today he is a happy, confident college student. Life is difficult, teach him skills, change schools where bullying is not allowed. Good luck.

Abby I am glad your son is doing well.

Thank you, ItalianGreyhound! I knew about the name teasing but he only told me about being called "idiot" bc of dyslexia on the playground recently...he's 20. It was a long, difficult school tenure but after failing first semester at University, he came home, "decided not to be a failure and learn how to study" and has better grades each term. Bullying creates anger and anxiety. We did change schools bc of teachers, not bullying...which meant new kids to bully him...but he is happy today. There is hope for OP and ds.

I'm surprised that so few people have noticed that the said her son didn't like his name long before the bullying started. I like Owen as a name and I'd be sad if one of my children wanted to change their names, but it's not really that big a deal is it? He doesn't like it and it's now turned into something that makes him really unhappy. The only issue is picking something new to use that he likes enough to stick. Oh and finding out whether he can change his name in France too of course.

As for whether he will get teased for picking a new name, yes he might, but at least he might find it easier to defend if he likes it himself (in the same way I'd imagine a child who hated their red hair and was teased about it might be very happy to die it brown and feel that they rather than the bullies had won)

Are you there OP?

TheBeastIn MsRooney'sRoom : Thanks for telling me your story. I'm so glad your son was able to blossom like that with a new name. Sorry - I've been a bit slow to reply. Not been able to have computer access without any children looking over my shoulder.

It soumds like it's becoming a bit of an idee fixe. He's convinced his life would be much easier if he could change his name and the only people standing in his way are his parents. I personally would go along with it in your position, if only to demonstrate thst you take his concerns seriously, although as other posters have pointed out, it may not stop the bullying. But being bullied is absolutely horrible for a child and you should do something to accommodate his wishes. My nephew called always called by his second name until he went to secondary school and the teachers all started calling by his first name and so did the kids. Friends from school call him Eddy, we at home call him Naill, it works fine.

I'm the OP. I'm sorry for taking a while to reply. It's the first time in years that I've posted anything on here and I wasn't expecting such a huge reponse. THANK YOU everybody. I have found some time to write while my children are still asleep so that no one comes looking over my shoulder asking what I'm writing.
On Sunday we went to see the in-laws (DS's grandparents) and somehow my DS managed to bring the conversation round to his name, and he told everyone he wanted to be called Jeremy! This is one of his two favourite names. I kept quiet because he was doing a really good job telling everyone and I wanted to see how they'd react. Actually it wasn't too bad. A bit of a laugh at the beginning but that's all.
Following on from some of your suggestions to help him prepare some retorts to the name-calling, I've been showing him how to roll his eyes and say sarcastic things. It hasn't been easy though because sarcasm goes completely over his head. My DD (12 yrs old) is a little better at understanding sarcasm. I've had to explain to DS that when you reply sarcastically to someone, you're trying to make them feel small. Once he understands how it works, I'm going to try to apply this to the name-calling.
But I think it takes a certain age to be able to use sarcasm (e.g. I haven't heard THAT before. That's SO last year..)

Mashedpotatoes, sorry if this is jarring, but has your DS ever been assessed for ASD? The remark about how sarcasm goes over his head rang a bell for me. But in light of the sarcasm radar malfunction, maybe his idea that changing his name would make a difference could also point to a difficulty in understanding motivation on his part that could be part of a wider problem. By 10 he should be able to understand what sarcasm is and how to use it. It shouldn't be going completely over his head. He should be able to distinguish between sarcasm and irony too.

Again, sorry if this is jarring.

Just be careful with the sarcasm, when I lived in France sarcasm went over most people's heads there too. The last thing you want it for your son to start doing something that the other kids will consider weird.

X

Kathysclown : You said that someone in your child's class changed their name. How old is your child? How did your own child react to one of his classmates changing their name? Did they find the name change bemusing / curious / cool ? etc?

He's convinced his life would be much easier if he could change his name and the only people standing in his way are his parents

Not true! As I explained about six pages back, in France it is quite complicated to change your name officially, - you have to convince an official that there is a real need to do it (see the links I posted to the government website).
I know that in the UK they are very relaxed about changing names, but in France you can't just start using a new name - there has to be an objectively justified reason for it. In our school Tom came back the following year as Sylvia - that is a justification.
If the name Owen were actually a rude word, impossible to pronounce or spell in French etc then it would be worth doing. It's not.
As I have already said, the problem is not the name, it's the bullying. OP you have made a start on the sneering responses, but seeing the class or headteacher before the new term starts might also be wise. And who knows, the little tykes might actually have grown up over the summer, or moved away, or found someone else to torment.

MCB, a French teacher in a French school in France.

mathanxiety - No, he's never been assessed for ASD but I think his lack of sarcasm is either down to his personality or his young age. He does get regular doses of the American TV series 'The Middle' which has lots of sarcasm. Maybe one day he'll turn into Axel (if you know the character!)

Shesaid : That's a brilliant idea, giving the reason for the name change that people in France couldn't pronounce it properly! I'll bear this in mind if he does decide to change it.

Kids are awake now and I can't continue writing. I've been sitting here reading through all your messages. Thanks for making the effort to understand the problem - I know it's not easy as it's in French, using the French alphabet. Very kind of you all.

I saddled my DS with an unusual name and 2 middle names which he hates. Looking back I should've given him a nice simple middle name as a back up. Hindsight eh?

My advice for OP 's son would be tell everyone he is called "whatever" and don't bother doing anything official for the moment.

FWIW I find it really difficult when someone introduces themselves as, say, Catherine and then expects me to call them Katy. Why not tell me your name is Katy in the first place? I don't need to check your birth certificate, I just want to call you the name that you answer to!

I agree with MistressClaire, it's a complicated route and it wouldn't stop the bullies, they would find something else to pick on. You'd only make it obvious that he did care about the taunting.

If you do decide to change the name, I'd not make it official yet. I'd ask people that they call him Jeremy and say "we are doing the paperwork to make it official" but don't do as yet, see how it goes, if your son is happy with the change, if the kids have left him alone, if everything has turned like you wanted. Say he's going to be "Jeremy Owen" and wants to be called Jeremy? Add the name as a nickname or AKA and see how it goes. If in a year you want to make it official, leave Owen as middle name?

I think it's a big change and doesn't reach him anything other than we should accommodate to bullies. When they go onto taking his lunch, he'll be likely to give it to them. When they ask for his pocket money, he will. When they ask him to follow them into a room to throw stuff at him, he will, because he has not learnt to confront or defend himself. You need to work on that, he's so young, he really needs to start learning these strategies before his taunting goes out if hand. He needs your support, but I don't think this means changing his passports, it could be as well to start calling him Jeremy and tell all other people so, without making formal yet.

The other kids may well find something else to tease him about, especially if he is a quiet lad who is a 'good target' sadly (and those bullies will, of course, remember his previous name).
However, if he wants to change his name then doing so before the school returns after the summer hols seems like the best time to do so.

OP it is good to hear from you.

Thanks for coming back.

If you do have issues with school not allowing him to change then this would at least reassure him you patents were supportive.

Also if you choose to change name you could legally change in UK and surely French school would have to comply (check this of course).

Hope he is ok, he sounds a plucky lad. Xx

It's the Owen that sounds like CON, not the c'est. Let him change it. My Father in Law is called Arthur but everyone knows him by his second name Charles.

@Italiangreyhound

Have you had much experience of French bureaucracy?
As Owen's Dad is French and they are living in France then he is probably a dual national.... wiht Brexit looming it is certainly in his interests to be one.
This means that in France he is French. And a French national cannot change their name by deed poll in the UK.

@Cutesbabasmummy

Have you read the thread? Do you speak French?

Owen sounds nothing like con!
Whether you pronounce it in English or in French, there is NO ressemble.
There are many examples given by PPs to illustrate this point for people who are finding it difficult to get their brains around this admittedly complex subject.
It's the way the kids are spelling it out with an additional "C" in front that makes the taunt. But that's all it is, a taunt. The OP's husband is French - he would not have chosen a name that sounded bad to French ears.

The example given by a PP that I remember best was if you imagine a kid's name to be Entee. Then the bullies start shouting "See you, Entee: CUNT!". There is nothing intrinsically mockable about the name Owen in French.
I saw a standup comedian called Owen Money a few years ago.....

I think that Owen is a lovely name :)

my niece decided she wanted to be called by her last name, she has three names.
we informed the school, and i made her a name badge to wear so as to remind everyone of her new name.

She hasn't looked back, it was as simple as that for her.

She was 6 at the time and of course the name was on her birth certificate already, so nothing official had to be done.

I was surprised that everybody adapted to the name change so quickly, and now we can't imagine calling her by any other name.

The thing with your Ds though op is that the bullies will remember his name and will probably still insist on calling him by it, that's the nature of bullying isn't it.

The best thing would be to try and get him to not react, as then they'd become bored and most probably move on to the next victim.

i hope whatever you decide to do will turn out well for your ds.

I feel for your DS. It's so hard having a Welsh name in France.
I discovered when I was studying in France that my name is a word for a**hole in French.
My friend's name is Bethan but goes by Beth which is pronounced bête

All I can say is the Welsh must have upset the French some how .