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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Situation with a child with austim. Could I have done it differently

266 replies

Partypolitics99 · 19/08/2017 19:57

Went to a swimming pool this morning with DH and DS had lots of water slides. One of them is a big tube slide and you can't see the bottom from the top but most of kids seemed really good at giving time for the kids who had just gone down to clear the bottom before they went.
DS we in the queue with DH at the top with him. Before DS was a lad of about 8 or so who came half way down the slide and then stuck his legs out so he did not come down any further. When he did not come out as I expected i peered up the slide and saw that he had stopped himself halfway down and was messing about. I immediately shouted at DH to hold DS at the top of the slide.
I shouted to the lad that he needed to come out as kids where waiting
His mum who had been standing back and I did not clock she was with him said to me "don't shout at him he has austim and likes doing that in the slide".
I replied
"I am sorry but I was not trying to tell him off I am more worried if an older lad or girls come down the slide they will crash into him and your son will he hurt, also little ones may be upset if they get trapped behind him"
She shouted "he had SN for gods sae do you know what they means"
(By this time DH had come down with DS and clocked what was happening and another dad was holding the rest of the kids at the top of the slide) DH spoke to a lifeguard who came over and explained to the Mum that her son and others could get hurt if he blocks the slide.

The Mum shouts him down and he slides down straight away" I get a horrid look but think that is that"
Ten minutes later I am walking past the slide with DS and who is emerging from the slide with a bloody nose- her son
The Mum was going mad with the lifeguard and the parent of the boy who had come down the slide and crashed into him.
Mum then storms into dressing room past me with her son and shouts at me "are you happy now? Piss off"
Did I honestly do anything wrong.

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 19/08/2017 21:18

My DS has autism and YANBU. You did nothing wrong.

minisoksmakehardwork · 19/08/2017 21:30

@AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered, there are posters in all topics of MN who might not be great parents. It's a bold statement to target one particular set.

TinselTwins · 19/08/2017 21:36

Unfortunately some people can have SN AND also have twatty parents
It is not being unsympathetic to the person with SNs to think their parent is a twat, if anything, it's probably sympathising with them!

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/08/2017 21:37

From how you've written it you sound very reasonable op but I think it seems like you intervened very quickly. And we also haven no idea of your tone of voice etc If it was me I'd have given it a minute to see if the child came out before intervening and I'd extend that to any child not just one with sn. It's certainly not unknown for kids to like to stop and start on water slides. You had shouted to your son to wait so there was no immediate danger. If your shouting alerted the mum who was coming over to sort it out and then you speaking to her child caused them to stay in there for longer than they would have I can see why she would be annoyed. No excuse for swearing though obviously.
I agree with others who have said the slide doesn't sound too safe though if you can't see the bottom. Most slides in the uk are manned and the rare one I have seen that hasn't been at least has a red/green light to show when it is safe to go down.

user1497357411 · 19/08/2017 21:38

some of our friends have a daughter who has downs syndrom. Their reaction when she would spit at other children was to tell them that that was what she did when she became upset. At no point did they say "no". My children, who were some years younger than their DD then thought that that was how you expressed you were upset, so they started spitting. I stopped that right away, but wasn't exactly gratefull to our friends.

FanjoForTheMammaries · 19/08/2017 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/08/2017 21:41

To look at it another way. Would it have hurt to let a disabled child have 30 secs to enjoy the sensation of stopping/starting in the slide? I know my kids wouldn't mind waiting and one of them has asd but is high functioning and very considerate of others with greater needs.

stitchglitched · 19/08/2017 21:47

What a twatty post ImLizawithaZ.

kali110 · 19/08/2017 22:08

Surprised there wasn't a lifeguard there supervising tbh!
The odd places i've been too only have a light system,no one manning.

Yanbu, the woman certainly should not have yelled at you!
You were only thinking of this little lad and others safety.
You and this little boy did nothing wrong.

MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 19/08/2017 22:09

Evening all.

Thanks for the reports on this thread. As you can see, we've removed some reported posts which broke Talk Guidelines.

We don't want to see disablist posts on our Talkboards. We want to help to educate people so that they're not even thinking in a disablist way, let alone posting anything disablist on the boards.

We'll continue to remove any posts which we consider to be disablist but we're not going to remove posts or threads which we feel are genuine questions and discussions. After all, discussions are important in order for us all to be better informed.

As always please do report any posts which you feel we should look at.

And, lastly, please do take a look at our This is My Child campaign.

Thanks all.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/08/2017 22:09

To look at it another way. Would it have hurt to let a disabled child have 30 secs to enjoy the sensation of stopping/starting in the slide?

Well as the poor boy ended up with a bloody nose and another child was also injured it seems it very much did hurt.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/08/2017 22:19

Since the op had already asked her son to wait there was no risk of him getting a bloody nose on the occasion the op is talking about.
If there was really no lifeguard, no light system and no visibility of the bottom of the slide I doubt he was the only child hurt that day either.

rightknockered · 19/08/2017 22:28

I have three with ASD, and while I watch them like a hawk, and wouldn't go anywhere that required me to have the energy to watch them to keep them safe unless I was up to it (assuming the mother in question was simply exhausted in a way only parents of children with additional needs can be), I don't think it hurts neurotypical children to wait a few minutes at the top of a slide, something they are more than capable of doing.
OP, you could have taken a moment to explain to your child the the boy on the slide was autistic and that it is human kindness to make sure everyone is happy, not just neurotypicals.

rightknockered · 19/08/2017 22:30

If any of my autistic children were hurt in the same way, I would be angry. I hate that these places are not truly inclusive.

rightknockered · 19/08/2017 22:33

And OP your had no business shouting at the boy on the slide. Mine would have become extremely anxious and become stuck.

Barbie222 · 19/08/2017 22:41

Perhaps she made an error of judgement in taking her son to a place she just couldn't manage him in and this resulted in her taking her frustration out on everyone else. Not saying that this excuses her, but as your disabled child gets older it's sad to see that there are fewer and fewer places you can safely manage them yourself in?

I'd have definitely done the same as you and would not have stood for anyone telling me to piss off, either.

Barbie222 · 19/08/2017 22:47

I hate that these places are not truly inclusive.

How can they ever be truly inclusive for everyone unless you have your own water slide each and don't have to engage with Joe Public? These setups do the best they can in a world where queuing and thinking of other people's health and safety is necessary. Not all children have or can develop those skills, and that's where hands on parenting for our SN children is key. A lifeguard would have said the same as the OP.

Cherrytart6 · 19/08/2017 22:51

That boys need for entertainment doesn't top the basic need for safety. SEN or no SEN, it doesn't matter.

Spikeyball · 19/08/2017 22:59

User149.... that tale has got nothing to do with the topic being discussed.

bialystockandbloom · 19/08/2017 23:21

What terrible parenting, SN is not an excuse for bad behaviour, I have a friend who has a child with SN and she wouldn't let her child behave like this, 'they' just need to be taught how to behave, etc etc blah blah blah.

Gosh, heaven forbid the NT world might be temporarily inconvenienced to wait a couple of minutes for a child with autism to do something they enjoy.

I knew there was a reason why I hardly look at MN any more. Same old same old.

bialystockandbloom · 19/08/2017 23:32

Ooh and of course, parents of children with SN are chosen specially. Special parents for special children. We're actually all saints.

Some people shouldn't be parents full stop, let alone parents of SN children

If only there was a test for prospective parents on whether they're good enough to have a "sn child".

Or... society accommodates all members of that society, making adjustments for differing needs. I dunno, like a disability discrimination law or something. Oh, wait...

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2017 23:39

Autism or not, this boy was not using the slide safely, and could be a danger blocking the slide. You were right. Yes he did get injured blocking it. All parents can be twats, including this one.

Barbie222 · 19/08/2017 23:42

Think we're all agreed that the bad behaviour shown was solely from the parent here.

sebumfillaments · 19/08/2017 23:44

This has been posted about before. I am certain I have read this original post before. And it resulted in lots of slagging off of SN parents

TinselTwins · 19/08/2017 23:47

Or... society accommodates all members of that society, making adjustments for differing needs. I dunno, like a disability discrimination law or something. Oh, wait..

okay then, what specific adjustments do you think should have been made in this instance, or should any unsafe behaviour just be accomodated?

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