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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay friend back?

354 replies

Forevergazingupwards · 17/08/2017 18:58

Going through a bad break up and asked to see friend but she was busy that night and invited me to go with her to London the following weekend to visit a mutual friend.

I asked her about train tickets and at the end of the week she bought and paid for us both.

The night before my grandma died and so I didn't go. Now a month later and friend is chasing up the money for the train ticket. I don't think I should have to pay, aibu?

OP posts:
Aurao · 17/08/2017 19:46

Unless she caused your Nana's death than Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Why should she be out of pocket for something that happened in your family and that was well out of her control? Why should she let it go? You should have arranged to sort out a refund on the unused ticket or paid her back within the month.

Sorry for your loss.

selectedpicnicitems · 17/08/2017 19:46

Ah yes Ben that makes sense

XiCi · 17/08/2017 19:47

Why on earth should your friend pay for you? Unbelievable that you would even consider for a moment that she owes you the train fare!

supersop60 · 17/08/2017 19:47

Yes, you must pay her back. Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Forevergazingupwards · 17/08/2017 19:48

Unbelievable that you would even consider for a moment that she owes you the train fare.

I don't think she owes me, I just feel a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 17/08/2017 19:48

You asked a friend for support. She tried to do that and bought you a ticket that you said you would pay for. So pay for it. Your change in situation is not her fault and I'm amazed you think it's OK that she should be out of pocket.

If you try and weasel out of it, you would, quite rightly, lose the friendship.

Do a bank transfer right now and apologise for the lateness of payment.

Alibobbob · 17/08/2017 19:49

Yes you should pay for your ticket. If you had bought it and not your friend you would have lost the money so unfair she should lose out when doing you a favour.

Did you agree to pay it back when you made the arrangements to go to London? If so you should stick to the agreement.

Your friend was kind enough to invite you along to something which had already been planned to cheer you up and she paid to help you out. How would you feel if you had done this for a friend and she refused to pay for the ticket which was probably about £100. I understand your reasons and I am sorry about your Gran but if I was the friend in this situation I would expect to be paid back and if I wasn't I would ditch the friend.

MadMags · 17/08/2017 19:49

With all due respect, how long is she supposed to not want her money back because your grandmother died?

When is an appropriate time for you to pay it back, or do you think she should just let you off altogether?

LAlady · 17/08/2017 19:49

Of course you should pay

user9512736123 · 17/08/2017 19:50

As others have said, you really do need to pay. Some friends might say don't worry about it in the circumstances if they could afford to write off the money but your friend hasn't and you need to pay her back because it's the right thing to do but also because you will lose the friendship if you don't.

Usernamegone · 17/08/2017 19:50

Maybe your friend is going through a shit time as well and maybe she needs to money to pay bills?

Lweji · 17/08/2017 19:50

Why would you even consider not paying her?

It looks like she was nice enough to wait for you to recover before asking you for the money back.

I wouldn't buy anything for you next time unless you gave me the money first.

PandorasXbox · 17/08/2017 19:50

It's sad your grandma died obviously but how on earth do you think this absolves you from paying your friend the money you owe?

Really don't understand your thinking on this one.

perper · 17/08/2017 19:51

a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time

A good friend wouldn't think it was someone else's responsibility to fund your costs. We're not just talking a couple of pounds here, are we?

Of the two of you, you are acting as a bad friend. Sorry buddy.

AndNowItIsSeven · 17/08/2017 19:51

You would be having a shot time without or without the train money. They are not linked.

MyOtherProfile · 17/08/2017 19:53

You still haven't said how much it cost.

Presumably you were planning on paying if you hadn't been bereaved? So your friend was never intending to be out of pocket to the tune of an extra train ticket.

It's v sad about your loss but life really does go on, as hard as thst may seem.

kali110 · 17/08/2017 19:54

Really sorry for your loss but it's not your friends fault.
You owe her this money.
It doesn't make her a shit friend either ( she probably waited till now because of what's gone on)
Train tickets can be expensive and its not her expense!
Juat pay her back op, don't lose a friend.

GeekyWombat · 17/08/2017 19:55

Maybe your friend is in financial difficulties? Stop wasting the energy wondering whether she should let it go or not and just pay her and then you can go back to coping with what you're dealing with.

This is a waste of emotional energy for you.

Sorry for your loss.

Miserylovescompany2 · 17/08/2017 19:55

Your friend didn't cause your current circumstances, she offered you support when you asked. This resulting in her purchasing a train ticket on your behalf. She is out of pocket because she did something nice for you.

Be a decent friend and pay back what you owe - otherwise you'll of lost another person in your life. Which you really don't need right now.

Sorry for the loss of your grandmother Flowers

perper · 17/08/2017 19:55

Forgive me for being cynical, but I think actually what is happening here is that you think "well, I didn't use the ticket, I shouldn't have to pay"

She didn't use the ticket- it was your ticket. She gave you a month's grace after your grandmother's death- that's a pretty long time and I'm guessing you are now able to hold yourself together enough to make a quick bank transfer.

I'm not convinced you really believe that 'to be a good friend she should let you off paying'. I think you think you're not responsible because you didn't use it, and that it's tough titty to her because she happened to be the one to pay for it and therefore you're quids in.

Pretty shitty of you.

ChasedByBees · 17/08/2017 19:56

I just feel a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time.

Nope. She's been supportive to you and left it a month. The train ticket isn't a present. You're being a bad friend by not giving her the money you owe. It's already taking up your head space so just clear it out of your head and pay her back. It would be really shitty not to.

Munchyseeds · 17/08/2017 19:57

Really?? Don't understand why you would even think of not paying.
Just pay what you owe with an apology for taking so long!

PandorasXbox · 17/08/2017 19:57

How much do you owe her OP?

Osolea · 17/08/2017 19:58

Sorry you feel like you're having such a shit time OP. And sorry for the loss of your Nan. It can be really difficult to see people behaving as normal when your world feels like it's just caved in, but it is just the way it goes.

You could try and see this differently. Instead of thinking that your friend is being a bad friend by asking, could you consider that a good friend wouldn't need to be asked? Instead of thinking it's unfair of her to ask, could you see that she's tried to be kind by leaving it a month to remind you, instead of asking straightaway or before the funeral had taken place?

It sounds like she was trying to be supportive by including you in her plans when you needed to see her, she's really not being a bad friend. Especially if the ticket was more than a tenner.

Notreallyarsed · 17/08/2017 19:58

I just feel a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time

Oh ffs. Some people always have an excuse/reason/like to play the victim. OP, everyone has shit going on. Get over yourself and pay your friend. Forgetting due to your bereavement I can understand, but arguing the toss after you've been reminded is ridiculous. Losing someone you love is hard, but it doesn't mean you get to forget responsibilities and expect everyone else to pick up after you.