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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay friend back?

354 replies

Forevergazingupwards · 17/08/2017 18:58

Going through a bad break up and asked to see friend but she was busy that night and invited me to go with her to London the following weekend to visit a mutual friend.

I asked her about train tickets and at the end of the week she bought and paid for us both.

The night before my grandma died and so I didn't go. Now a month later and friend is chasing up the money for the train ticket. I don't think I should have to pay, aibu?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/08/2017 19:58

"...a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time..."

A good friend wouldn't expect her friend to be out of pocket, @Forevergazingupwards!

Are you paying your rent/mortgage this month? What about your energy bills? Should Tesco be giving you your food shopping for free because you are going through a tough time?

Of course not. So why would you refuse to pay this debt to someone who is supposed to be your FRIEND!!

Mittens1969 · 17/08/2017 19:59

Maybe it is possible to get a refund on the train ticket (minus admin fee), as a PP has suggested, it's definitely worth a try. It might turn out to be too late.

But it's down to you to incur the cost. Train tickets are not cheap.

putdownyourphone · 17/08/2017 19:59

It doesn't sound like you owe her a tenner tbh. It sounding you're trying to get out of paying. Sorry to sound harsh and I'm sorry you're grieving, but it's not an excuse not to pay.

BrandNewHouse · 17/08/2017 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Softkitty2 · 17/08/2017 20:00

Sorry but you sound entitled. Try this at the bank or with your mortgage provider and see what they say

swingofthings · 17/08/2017 20:00

I don't think she owes me, I just feel a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time.
Maybe, but it depends on what happened. Did you grandmother died on the day/the day before? Did you call her and apologised that you couldn't go and did you mention paying her then?

Either way, you should have contacted her sooner to discuss and maybe if you had, apologised, said of course you would pay her, she might have said to you not to worry about it, but ignoring the situation is just plain bad manners and disrespectful so that's why she's insisting that you pay.

perper · 17/08/2017 20:01

What you originally said: I don't think I should have to pay, aibu?

What you now say: I just feel a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time

This is nothing to do with the timing- would you be happy for her to chase it up in a year's time? No? Then the problem is that you think you shouldn't have to pay, as you originally said.

Perhaps I should have stopped paying the mortgage when my grandad died, or walked out of tesco without paying for my groceries... Hmm

Ameliablue · 17/08/2017 20:02

How much were the tickets?
If she is asking for it, I'd assume she needs the money rather than doesn't care that you've had a bad time.

Whocansay · 17/08/2017 20:02

She is a good friend. She gave you a month. It's your responsibility to pay her back.

You are the bad friend here.

Gorgosparta · 17/08/2017 20:02

So whats your suggestion op.

Thats she leaves it permanently?

Or is there an offcial waiting period?

Because at the moment it looks like yiu are using the bereavement to get out paying.

HotelEuphoria · 17/08/2017 20:04

Of course you should pay, I have no idea why you think you shouldn't.

Papafran · 17/08/2017 20:04

It does depend on how much they were. If it was a tenner, personally I would not chase it up if a good friend had suffered a bereavement. If it was £60, I am afraid I would have to as I couldn't afford to lose that money. As for your breakup, sorry about that but it doesn't mean that your friend is obligated to be out of pocket as a result.

Redglitter · 17/08/2017 20:07

You have to live these threads

OP: AIBU
Pretty much everyone on MN: Yes you are
OP: But (enter next excuse here)
YAStillBU
OP: But but but

Justdontknow4321 · 17/08/2017 20:10

Yes yabu, pay her back.

I'm sure she thinks a good friend would pay her back a train fare aswell without question when it's owed to her.

Just because your going through some stuff doesn't mean you can not pay your way anymore. Everyone's going through stuff!! And she obv needs the money! Pay her.

NerrSnerr · 17/08/2017 20:11

This must be a reverse. No one can lack this much self awareness.

cushioncovers · 17/08/2017 20:11

How much was the ticket op?

M00nUnit · 17/08/2017 20:12

Just pay her back the money you owe her and stop being so selfish. I'm sorry your Grandmother died, mine died recently too and I'm still very upset but why would that entitle me to not pay my debts? You're being completely ridiculous.

Glumglowworm · 17/08/2017 20:14

A good friend wouldn't let their friend be out of pocket. If you're a good friend to her then you would pay.

It does sound like you're looking for excuses.

Sushi123 · 17/08/2017 20:14

You should pay, I think given the circumstances that she shouldn't have asked, but she has, and you do owe her that money

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 17/08/2017 20:15

OP, I'm sorry your Grandmother died.
What you need to decide is which is worth more, the ticket or your friendship.

You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable by not reimbursing your friend. They are not being unreasonable asking for the money, they even gave you time to repay and grieve before asking for the money back.

ButchyRestingFace · 17/08/2017 20:20

I hate reverses. 🚗

jenm87 · 17/08/2017 20:21

i dont meant to sound cruel but its not your friends fault your grandma died so she shouldnt be left out of pocket for something that cant be helped, i am sorry for your loss and as i say i really dont meant to sound cruel, your friend me be in a situation where she really needs that money i think you should pay her asap.

if it was the other way round how would you feel if your friend done that with you?

TheLittleShirt · 17/08/2017 20:23

Don't want to sound morose, but do you think funeral directors should also give their services for free, because all of their customers are going through the 'shit time' of bereavement.?

Ginkypig · 17/08/2017 20:23

I can see it from both sides.

Now obviously there is no argument that actually you do owe your friend for the ticket even though your going through a tough time so I'm sorry but your being unreasonable but...

For me if I was the friend it would really depends on how much.

If it was 10-20 quid I'd leave it (even though you owe it) because it would feel awkward to chase you when your hurting but I'd be careful not to get into a situation with you like that again, if it was more then I'd feel forced to chase you for it.

In either scenario though I'd feel a bit pissed of with you for putting me in that position, as a friend I'd never do that to someone even if I was going through a horrible time.

StickThatInYourPipe · 17/08/2017 20:24

How much is the ticket OP?

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