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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay friend back?

354 replies

Forevergazingupwards · 17/08/2017 18:58

Going through a bad break up and asked to see friend but she was busy that night and invited me to go with her to London the following weekend to visit a mutual friend.

I asked her about train tickets and at the end of the week she bought and paid for us both.

The night before my grandma died and so I didn't go. Now a month later and friend is chasing up the money for the train ticket. I don't think I should have to pay, aibu?

OP posts:
BlackStars · 17/08/2017 23:42

I lost my dad not long ago - do you think Halifax will let me off my mortgage payment? I know I agreed to pay them but I'm having a shit time.

Mittens1969 · 17/08/2017 23:43

As I said, I think the break-up has played a part. Her friend was helping her through that when her nana died.

I'm actually wondering whether there's a MH issue here? The AIBU question is so bizarre, that anyone would think that she was justified in not paying back the money she owes. That or it's a reverse.

TheJunctionBaby · 17/08/2017 23:47

A rare unanimous AIBU thread!

Starlight2345 · 17/08/2017 23:54

I just feel a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time. I also feel a good friend wouldn't leave their friend out of pocket simply because you are having a shit time..

Friends offer emotional support not financial...

You could of simply wrote her a cheque rather than this thread

Viviennemary · 18/08/2017 00:04

Yes you should pay for the tickets. It's sad your Grandma died but your friend shouldn't have to pay the cost of the ticket. She bought it on your behalf and presumably on your instructions. Give her the money.

Catsize · 18/08/2017 00:09

Stocking my head slightly above the proverbial parapet, I kind of get where the OP is coming from.
We went on holiday with friends. We are skint, they are rich. They wanted us all to get an expensive cab from the airport to the hotel. We wanted to get the train/hire a car (still cheaper). We agreed to pay one way each. We paid the outgoing leg.
Whilst on holiday, friend's father died - expected to an extent, but horrible nevertheless. I helped them organise an early flight home etc. We ended up paying for two taxi journeys, not one.
Did I ever mention it again? Of course not. Their friendship means more.
OP, I don't know your friend's finances, and I agree with others that she should not necessarily shoulder this, but no, if I were her, I wouldn't have the gall to ask you for the money.

Catsize · 18/08/2017 00:09

Sticking. Obvs.

Pallisers · 18/08/2017 00:13

Well I wouldn't have bothered asking you for it tbh. But there are very few stages of my life when I couldn't have afforded to sub a train fare.
Maybe your friend is on a very tight budget.

But that said, it sounds like you are young enough? If this is a break up of a 20 year marriage ignore but my friends and I went through loads of bad break ups in our 20s and yes we also lost grandparents. Life kind of went on really.

Howlongtilldinner · 18/08/2017 00:15

I'm another one asking what the hell is a reverse??

hedgebitch · 18/08/2017 00:24

A reverse is when someone posts in the guise of another person who they think has done them wrong. The idea is to see if people agree it's wrong even when everyone thinks they're talking to the wrongdoer. In this case, if this was a reverse the OP would actually be the friend who bought the train ticket, writing as if she was the non-paying friend.

Howlongtilldinner · 18/08/2017 00:31

hedge thanks for clearing that up, never heard that term before Confused

user1485639128 · 18/08/2017 00:34

Your friend maybe having a shit time also and may need that money... pay her back!

Tapandgo · 18/08/2017 00:38

OP you can't be drowning in grief if you have the time and emotional resilience to post on AIBU!
Pay up and apologise and be a better friend.

LauderSyme · 18/08/2017 00:52

OP Sorry for your loss.
I think you think your friend has ignored your feelings and your needs, and has topped off not being a good friend to you by daring to ask for the money back. Which is why you want to punish her by ignoring her feelings and her needs by stiffing her for the train fare.
It's understandable but it's not right. You're being petulant I'm afraid and should pay up.

Atenco · 18/08/2017 01:31

I think the price of the train ticket is worth it for your friend to find what a shit friend you are.

RockinHippy · 18/08/2017 02:24

YABVU & I do feel for your loss, but...

I don't think she owes me, I just feel a good friend wouldn't chase this up when I'm going through such a shit time

But by the same token, a good friend wouldn't presume it was okay to leave a friend out of pocket because their life has taken a down turn.

In essence, it's not your friends fault that your Nan died, so why should she pay ?

melj1213 · 18/08/2017 02:27

The only person who has the authority to write off the cost of the ticket is the OP's friend. They are the one who knows how much impact it will have on their finances to not get paid back.

If it's a £10 ticket and I could afford to lose that cost then I'd probably just write it off under the circumstances. If it was a £50 ticket, I probably would be less keen to just write it all off without at least trying to get some of the money back. If it was £100 there's no way I could just write that kind of money off and I'd be wanting that money back, even if it was in instalments.

Having said that, a year ago money was really tight and I couldn't afford to lose even £10 ... so even in that circumstance I would be asking for that money back because it would be a choice between writing it off as a favour and affording the weekly shop for DD and I.

acapellagirl · 18/08/2017 02:32

Sorry bout your ban but AIBU

acapellagirl · 18/08/2017 02:34

Sorry meant to say sorry about your nan - aargh autocorrect!

IneedaMagnum · 18/08/2017 02:44

You both sound young. So at least, if after a unanimous mumsnet verdict, you still don't see fit to pay your friend back, she can write you off before wasting too many years on the friendship. No one needs a user in their life.

cambodianfoxhound · 18/08/2017 04:10

To be honest, I would not have asked you for the money, I would have let it go. But in your shoes, I would have offered to pay anyway - as I would hate the thought of someone being out of pocket. I think kindness here should run in both directions. In an ideal situation - you would have tried to pay and she would have refused.

ClockworkGoblin · 18/08/2017 04:17

Sorry about your grandma but congratulations on sounding like the epitome of entitled.

TidyDancer · 18/08/2017 06:36

A good friend wouldn't ask immediately for the money back, which is what your friend has done here. She's given you a month's grace and then asked. She's gone about this the right way.

You're not being fair to her and should pay her asap.

I do think you've had some unfairly harsh responses on this thread though. I'm very sorry for your loss.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 18/08/2017 07:11

Is the OP coming back?

OP, you need to recognise that everyone in this thread is saying you need to pay your friend back. No matter what your circumstances. She hasn't hassled you for the money, she's waited several weeks. You need to pay her now if you want to save your friendship.

MrsGB2225 · 18/08/2017 07:17

How much was the ticket? Hope you've paid your friend back now!

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