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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man on the train

318 replies

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/08/2017 15:46

I was travelling to work this morning on the train. All table seats and I like to sit in the aisle seat, I feel a bit trapped if I'm by the window. I had my handbag on my lap so the window seat was free.

A man got on and grunted at me and pointed at the seat. I tried to stand so I could get out and he could take the wondow seat. He said he was getting off in three stops so he'd sit in the aisle, I said so was I and tried to move out again. He was really insistent that I should sit by the window. After about a minutes debate and me saying that I just didn't want to sit in the window seat he shouted 'for fucks sake' and stormed off to another part of the train.

I didn't think I was being unreasonable at all. But starting to wonder a bit as the day goes on!

OP posts:
PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 18:47

I have seen more arguments and blow out between males on trains over commuter type pains than I have ever seen arguments between males and females.

Perhaps because women tend to accommodate rather than confront?

Fulmerspot · 17/08/2017 18:49

@AssasinatedBeauty.
I am embarrassed to have to ask. I am also some days in significant discomfort. I try to be as polite as possible. One persons polite request is another persons overentitled pushy demand. I do not offer a lengthy explanation. I just ask the person to move over. If they ask why I say I simply cannot get into the window seat. Beyond that I do not explain further as in many years of experience at that point it's a waste of breath.

Marinade · 17/08/2017 18:49

@Pop

I did not say that - basically or not - I said that both sexes are more than capable of being rude. Stop inferring things from statements I have made. For goodness sake are you not capable of considering, first and foremost, the context in which this interaction took place?

They both had three stops - it was a commuter train and the man got annoyed because instead of moving for three stops to the window seat - she insisted in her getting up, and him moving past her to get to the seat on a train where there were presumably others wanting to get on and get by. I am saying that it IS really really reductive to define this as a feminist point, in my view. I would have been incredibly irritated by her. I am not justifying his response but what I am saying is I can understand the irritation that got there. Is it really so hard to understand?

FeeLock28 · 17/08/2017 18:50

OP, I travel on PT late at night due to work and decided after the last delightfully polite and utterly charming train drunk propositioned me (he would even change his bed sheets for me - oh, the temptation!) that I would sit in the aisle seat henceforth. I've had a few slight grumbles but they can go hang.

A minor confrontation like this is exactly that, minor. Dismiss it from your mind.

Marinade · 17/08/2017 18:51

@Pop

I have also seen lots of arguments and elbowing between women also. What is your viewpoint on that?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 17/08/2017 18:55

Again this isn't about elbowing or arguing it's about demanding a seat that someone else is sitting in and having a tantrum or rather being very rude when that particular seat isn't given up for you

There are other seats available to op was willing to move out of the way he wanted the seat she was first sitting in

Turquoise123 · 17/08/2017 18:56

He would not have done this is you were an man, and if he had been female he would not have done it.

I have had this on planes when people have really tried to pressurise me into giving up my - booked and allocated- aisle seat so they can sit with friends etc.

His swearing at you adds an elegant touch reminiscent of Noel Coward's wit....

Cyc10ne · 17/08/2017 18:57

@oldlaundbooth

I can't understand why people think this isn't sexist

Assuming that just because he is a man that what he did must have been motivated by sexism or "male privilege" is sexist in itself.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 18:58

They both had three stops.
She was there first.
He still somehow felt more entitled to the seat then her. And intimidated her when she did not give into his demands despite the fact that that this is common train etiquette.

And paaaaahlease. If her was really worried about a queue of people forming behind her (an imaginary queue of people as the op never said anything about this and there is room for him to storm off) then he just would have got on with things and shuffled down or into the seat rather than sticking around to push the matter and ultimately hurl abuse at her.

Also, i commute twice daily on a very busy line in London where sometimes you dont get on to the first or third train even and this sort of interaction happens far from the entrance to the car so I really dont think she was delaying the train, or if so, why is it her fault and not his for moving on. I still cant understand why the blame is falling on the woman here for not doing what the man wanted. If it inconvenienced other people, surely that's his fault for demanding something claimed by someone else already??

Liiinoo · 17/08/2017 19:03

Obviously none of you travel on Southern where people are lucky to get a train let alone a seat, let alone the seat of their choice. My DD has some health issues so occasionally faints in heated conditions. On some Southern commuter services she has been left to sit on the floor after fainting so desperate is the overcrowding on those services.

martiniwini · 17/08/2017 19:03

Good lord don't people communicate anymore? The best solution is to ask Mumsnet and be faced with a bunch of argumentative people who will throw every accusation and alternative situation at you, even though they weren't even witness.
You should have explained to him that you're quite happy for him to sit by the window but you prefer to sit in the aisle. Then he could have easily accepted, or refused and given an explanation. Was he foreign?

Marinade · 17/08/2017 19:03

You know for a fact that he would not have done this if the OP were a man? How do you know there were other seats available as it says he went off to another part of the train - so maybe there were not any other seats on the carriage?

I don't see this as about demanding a seat I just see it as 'FFS for three stops, please move over rather than going through the farce of musical bloody chairs!

The preciousness of it all would have irritated me no end, as I think I have said multiple times now, to the point where its becoming tedious. Commuting is hard enough without dealing with the whims of people who want to sit in their aisle seat when its as simple as anything to move over.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 17/08/2017 19:03

Recognising male privilege is sexist

What a little like someone making a racist statement then telling the person offended they have no reason to be offended

Right I get it now Hmm

derxa · 17/08/2017 19:04

I was travelling to work this morning on the train. All table seats and I like to sit in the aisle seat, I feel a bit trapped if I'm by the window. I had my handbag on my lap so the window seat was free. Do you do this every day? i think it's a bit awkward of you. He was a prat.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 19:07

commuting is hard enough without dealing with the whims of people who want to sit in their aisle seat when its as simple as anything to move over.
OR
commuting is hard enough without dealing with the whims of people who want to sit in the aisle seat SOMEONE ELSE IS OCCUPYING when its as simple as anything to STEP AROUND THEM especially when they offer to get up.

Spangles1963 · 17/08/2017 19:08

I get this frequently on buses. I quite often need to sit in the aisle seat as I get intermittent problems with my right knee. If I sit with it bent for more than about 5 minutes,it causes me excruciating pain when I stand up and try and walk on it,I am literally unable to move it for about 15 minutes. I am registered disabled as I have osteo and rheumatoid arthritis and use one,sometimes 2,walking sticks. If I think my knee is going to start giving me trouble,I make sure I sit somewhere where I can keep my leg out straight. This is not possible with most of the window seats as the seat in front is so close,my knees practically touch it! So many times I get people (usually entitled men) asking me to move up,then getting huffy or stroppy when I explain I can't due to my disability. You would think they would make a bit of an allowance for someone who is disabled wouldn't you? I imagine their attitude is that you shouldn't be out,using public transport if you suffer from any sort of impairment.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 19:08

exactly EnthusiasmIsDisturbed
and all lives matter (rolls eyes)

Cyc10ne · 17/08/2017 19:11

Recognising male privilege is sexist

What a little like someone making a racist statement then telling the person offended they have no reason to be offended

Right I get it now

There's nothing to suggest gender was part of his motivation. That's just a sexist assumption.

Marinade · 17/08/2017 19:12

commuting is hard enough without dealing with the whims of people who want to sit in the aisle seat SOMEONE ELSE IS OCCUPYING when its as simple as anything to STEP AROUND THEM especially when they offer to get up.

You mean step around the precious aisle seat occupant and then hold up the queue of people trying to shuffle on behind and around you on the packed carriage because you are too attached to your precious aisle seat to move over for three stops?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 17/08/2017 19:13

Male privilege is male privilege

It's not something women have is that a tad confusing for you

Witsender · 17/08/2017 19:15

It takes all of seconds when the aisle seat occupant has stood up.

Marinade · 17/08/2017 19:15

Nobody is denying the existence of male privilege, what we are saying is that for you to state categorically that this example is a manifestation of such male privilege is extremely reductive and one dimensional.

Cyc10ne · 17/08/2017 19:17

Assuming that because he is a man he must think had the right to that seat because of his gender is sexist and frankly laughable.

Marinade · 17/08/2017 19:18

@Witsender - its just the bloody faff of having to do it when its so much more considerate to bloody shuffle up or a few stops. And if you have been on trains you will know that every single second counts in terms of shutting the doors. This sort of behaviour is a pain in the backside as it holds things up while everyone behind has to stop as they aisles are then occupied. Really its about overall consideration in the wider scheme of things.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 19:19

hold up the queue of people trying to shuffle on behind and around you
this is made up. There is no mention of this from OP

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