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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man on the train

318 replies

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/08/2017 15:46

I was travelling to work this morning on the train. All table seats and I like to sit in the aisle seat, I feel a bit trapped if I'm by the window. I had my handbag on my lap so the window seat was free.

A man got on and grunted at me and pointed at the seat. I tried to stand so I could get out and he could take the wondow seat. He said he was getting off in three stops so he'd sit in the aisle, I said so was I and tried to move out again. He was really insistent that I should sit by the window. After about a minutes debate and me saying that I just didn't want to sit in the window seat he shouted 'for fucks sake' and stormed off to another part of the train.

I didn't think I was being unreasonable at all. But starting to wonder a bit as the day goes on!

OP posts:
Marinade · 17/08/2017 16:36

Personally, I cant bear having to wade over people to have to get a window seat because people are insistent on occupying the aisle seat in those groups of four seats where two are facing each other. It happens all the time on my trains and I find it really annoying having to negotiate my way over three sets of legs because people are claiming ownership of the aisle seat. You could have budged up rather than going through this farce of you getting up to allow him in, when other people are trying to get on the train presumably. Do we have to reduce everything to sexism and the male and female dynamic now?

Giraffey1 · 17/08/2017 16:36

He was being ridiculous. You were not.
He feels trapped by the window? That doesn't trump your own feelings.
He was rude.
I hate people like this on trains - and sadly, it's usually men.

tigerdriverII · 17/08/2017 16:36

Total male privilege bollocks. Not hugely important but just one of the many daily tiny irritants that women put up with and men blithely impose.

Off on another track entirely but has any man in history been sold a fashionable "top" with two layers that tangle up in each other when you put them on? Thought not.

BlackberryLassi · 17/08/2017 16:36

scottish ive seen that but what outweighs it is men sitting with their legs spread wide so you have to squeeze in next to them, men feeling you up on the train, men kicking you if your leg is in their way. Men intimidating you and following you off transport late at night etc

Cyc10ne · 17/08/2017 16:37

Yes there is because the twat would NOT have done it to another man!!

Are you basing this on the fact that no man has ever been rude to another man before?

Pallisers · 17/08/2017 16:37

It explains the request for her to move in (although we don't actually know if he feels trapped too) but does not excuse him shouting "for fucks sake". He was incensed that the OP hadn't accommodated what he wanted and was rude and aggressive as a result.

VonHerrBurton · 17/08/2017 16:37

What a prick. Tough, you were there first. YANBU.

I can't bear public transport and I know for a lot of people it's unavoidable but situations like this make me so thankful for my 5 mile car commute through gentle back roads!

diddl · 17/08/2017 16:37

" I had my handbag on my lap so the window seat was free. "

You're good-my bag would have been on the window seatGrin

"Fascinating that people think the OP should have moved over into the window seat, but not that the new passenger should have taken the window seat."

Often it's easier to just scooch across though.

If I was getting off soon I would have stood up to keep the aisle seat.

If we were both getting off at the same stop it wouldn't matter (to me) who sat where, but since I had already got up then I would expect them to take the window seat.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/08/2017 16:38

It doesn't explain the huffing and the swearing. If he would rather an aisle seat then he should have accepted with good grace that someone else might prefer an aisle seat too, and already has the one he asked about. So he should either accept the window seat this time or politely go and find another aisle seat. No big deal. Having a tantrum because you can't have someone else's seat is ridiculous.

chips4teaplease · 17/08/2017 16:38

OP, you were not at all unreasonable. You had chosen an available seat you wanted. You were prepared to move aside while he took the seat you didn't want. That isn't unreasonable at all. He was unreasonable in expecting you to take another seat so he could have the one you had chosen.

BenLui · 17/08/2017 16:40

Pallisers you are right, there was no excuse for swearing.

kelliewellie · 17/08/2017 16:40

I've been assaulted several times in past when I've been trapped in the window seat by random men in trains. I now always offer the window seat if someone wants to sit down but definitely won't move up for any man I don't know

Threenme · 17/08/2017 16:41

male privilege could he not just have been a bit of a dick that happened to be a blokeConfused

RhubardGin · 17/08/2017 16:41

I think you're being a little too kind to him

Oh sorry, he is obviously an ignorant sexist twat who hates all woman kind....or maybe he just couldn't understand why the OP couldn't scooch over for 3 stops.

If I had a rubbish day, anxious to get home and someone wouldn't move over I would probably think "fuck it" and walk off too.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 17/08/2017 16:42

Maybe he feels trapped at the window seat too?

And? That's not OP's problem

You should have moved nothing to do with being a good little woman it's so much easier to do that especially when it was only three stops. It also annoys me when people sit in the aisle seat and put their handbag or coat on the window seat then start tutting when you ask them to move it so you can sit down

I disagree, this has everything to do with him expecting her to be a good little woman and comply with his male enlightenment. OP did not put her bag on the seat ansd stood up for him to sit in the window seat. His reaction was completely unreasonable because she would not comply with his request as expected

StormTreader · 17/08/2017 16:42

Its first come, first served - as long as you're not taking up more than your one paid seat when there is someone else who needs a seat then you're fine.

He wanted an aisle seat, there wasnt one available, you didnt want to give up yours, it's not your fault if he didnt want to take up the available alternative seat. He only paid for a seat, not YOUR seat.

JetBoyJetGirl · 17/08/2017 16:44

Often it's easier to just scooch across though.

Yes, but not in this case. The OP wasn't just being awkward for the sake of it!

blackteasplease · 17/08/2017 16:45

You are definitely not being unreasonable. First come first served (unless someone has a medical problem or similar that needs another person to give up their seat

Well done for not being intimidated!

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 17/08/2017 16:46

Oh sorry, he is obviously an ignorant sexist twat who hates all woman kind....or maybe he just couldn't understand why the OP couldn't scooch over for 3 stops

Because she didn't want to and has explained why. She was there first and he expected her to comply with his demands. When she didn't, he stropped like a child

If I had a rubbish day, anxious to get home and someone wouldn't move over I would probably think "fuck it" and walk off too

How do you know the OP hasn't had exactly the same sort of day? Why would your wants trump hers? It's not as if she refused to move, she stood up. Ridiculous reaction

diddl · 17/08/2017 16:47

"Yes, but not in this case. The OP wasn't just being awkward for the sake of it!"

I know I nowhere have I said that they wereConfused

RhubardGin · 17/08/2017 16:47

male entitlement

If it had been a woman who had expected OP to move and shouted fuck off and stormed off posters would just call the woman an idiot or entitled, which would have been true.

Or if the roles were reversed, and OP was male and the person in question female...would the female be sexist and be accused of having "female entitlement" because she expected him to move?

But because its a man it must be some sort of subconscious male entitlement? Maybe the guy is just a dick and would have acted like this to a male passenger, we will never know.

But we can please stop assuming that when a man is in any way a dick to a woman it's because of sexism!

Nettletheelf · 17/08/2017 16:48

You've been assaulted several times as a consequence of sitting on a window seat? Where do you live? India? Not to belittle your experience, but has it really happened several times?

I don't see this as a 'male privilege' thing. I'd have felt annoyed if I'd been in this man's place.

That's because I'd have looked at the OP in the aisle seat, rendering the empty window seat inaccessible, and thought, "she's trying to hog a double seat so that she can have plenty of space to herself". People do this on the commuter trains in my area. I always ask them to move over; the alternative is climbing over their legs and bags in a narrow space or swinging into the vacant spot, if it's a table seat, like Tarzan.

I don't understand why the OP didn't just move over when she discovered that the man would be getting off at the same spot. I'd have felt the same as him: I'd be thinking, "I've called her out on seat-hogging and now she's being deliberately difficult when she could just bloody move over".

Cyc10ne · 17/08/2017 16:48

For a site that bangs on and on about equality and sexism towards woman etc some posters don't seem to see the irony in what they post

Indeed. The hypocrisy is ridiculous

viques · 17/08/2017 16:51

Good for you OP. you offered him a seat, he didn't want it, he went elsewhere, the only unreasonable thing in the whole scenario was his attitude. Which stank.

I bet he is a TV remote Hogger too (sorry the only way I could get spell check to not insist I wanted jogger was to capitalise).

LadyDeLaFuente · 17/08/2017 16:51

YWBU. This is one of my pet hates when I get the bus - people sitting on the outside seat and me having to try and squeeze past with my briefcase and handbag in tow. People never stand up to let me in; if I'm lucky they'll swivel their legs to the side.

Then, when it's my stop, we have to go through the whole rigmarole again so I can get out. I can understand if it was a really long journey but having a "seat preference" while travelling a few stops seems selfish to me as you're putting other people out.

Why would you want to be constantly swivelling getting up to let people in and out when you could just move over and travel in peace?

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