Weird daughter in law

[ericsmum1234]

I have three children in their '30's and a son of 11. My problem is with one of my son's DP. She's always been a bit difficult to get along with but after 7 years I'm at the end of my tether. My son and her moved about 2 hours drive away for work 3 years ago. All good, they love where they live and have got really good jobs and a good life and my ds is very happy with her BUT, she really seems to dislike me and makes no secret of it. My youngest and his brother are really close & I've driven him there numerous times that involves a 4 hour round trip, but when I get there she barely says hello and when ive asked for a cup of tea she says no, we've got stuff to do. It's a brew ffs! And I have to turn around and drive for another 2 hours to get home. They rock up every xmas and eat all the food and contribute nothing, I'm on my own with little money and struggle to provide every year ( my two other children contribute, we do it between the three of us).

What's tipped me this time is I took my son up & she wasn't there, my son said she was at work and I didn't think anything of it. Then when I spoke to my youngest in the phone he told me that she was in the bedroom and came out when I'd gone. Obviously avoiding me. I just wanted to scream at her and say "what's your problem with me?" But my son wouldn't back me up. I know that he'd take her side and just stop speaking to me because he won't ever admit he's in the wrong. I'm not the sort of MIL who interferes ( I get on really well with my other children's DP), but I'm not doing that trip again because a) I can't afford the petrol and b) I'm not having the piss taken out of me. My youngest doesn't want to go any more either because she's not that nice to him.
The question is that this situation is going to pop again soon, how do I handle it? My anxiety is through the roof just thinking about it

@ericsmum1234, I think it probably shows some resentment over the past, tbh, very sad but it's hard to move on from that. My DSis and I have resentment towards our DM because she didn't protect us from harm, she didn't know we were being abused. But we blame her for not being around.

It's so hard to know how to handle our relationship with her, she's broken and we love her but the anger is there.

That might be what's going on, he's angry but you're still his mum.

Boney - I'm not going to make this thread about me as I shared my story to give one perspective to the OP not to have an AIBU rant, and you wisely see that you will not be able to make me see differently because there are plenty of people with a wealth of information in comparison to you who I'd listen to, so I will just give you this one response:

He doesn't have to be in the same place as me and able to forgive our mum for being married to an abusive man (who himself was the product of an abusive household and so on and so on) and having children with him for us to have a relationship. We were not in the same place for many years and we had a relationship. But there are many options available and each sibling has taken a slightly different stance on that and has a slightly different relationship with "the family unit" as you would expect. What the rest of us have done is made efforts to have counselling, to talk calmly and soberly about it at times (and drunkenly and emotionally at other times) but we have had the respect for one another not to ever drag each other onto that path unless the other(s) were willing and certainly not at, say, one of our weddings. Or to continually tell someone they feel a certain way when they are telling you that they don't. Because something like getting counselling helps not do that shit.

Just like everyone, he is both a dick and not a dick. But I have learnt to draw boundaries when someone is being too much of a dick.

Mittens. I was brought up by an abusive father too and my mum just left me with him and I didn't see her for years. My sister and me have been nc for years because she saw things differently from me ( plus she's a massive twat). Where does it all end though? I've talked to him about my exh and agreed with everything he felt, I've also apologised for not doing more. I don't know what else to do.

To be absolutely honest OP I am struggling to see this situation the way you and most others on the thread are seeing it. Your Dil clearly has a big problem with the way you dealt with your abusive ex husband. She called ss because she had serious concerns about your youngest son. It's obviously a big step to take but protecting a minor from abuse is the overriding factor. Whether or not there were grounds for her concerns none of us here can answer but since It's been swept under the carpet she has never received any reassurance about this and is finding it hard to move on.

notevernotnevernotnohow but the crux of the original post is that she asked her, not her son, and only she was deemed rude for not making one. It's up to her son the host visiting family.

It's easy to judge others parenting when you're not a parent yourself.

Not always, if you've been subject to bad parenting then one can easily judge them for the mistakes they made. Even as an outsider looking in. I'm NC with my own parents, but even if I wasn't, my partner is very unimpressed by their idea of 'doing their best', he said he couldn't pretend to make pleasantries with them for long knowing the history.

The key is admitting mistakes, if a parent refuses to admit 'I made mistakes/choices that ended up having a profoundly negative effect on you', it can eat away at the child (even adult ones). In turn, those who live with them, such as spouses, also end up passively picking up on these negative feelings towards the same people, even if they weren't directly involved in the situation. 'The person I love is hurting, this is the reason why, I'm angry about it as well', yes irrational but certainly what could be happening.

Or she just doesn't like you, no rhyme or reason to it.

Sorry op I missed a page where you talked about seeing it from another angle and just saw the posts where you got defensive again. I can understand being hurt and confused but I do think there are some quite big issues here to work through with your son in the first instance and then perhaps Dil.

This has gone past her making me a cuppa now. When she met my son I had split from exh even though he was still causing trouble. So we weren't together ( she's never met him).
I just think she doesn't like me or my youngest, although my son is just as guilty as her.

My Aunt is exactly like this with my Grandmother.

My Uncle married her 20 years ago and on their wedding day (in a laughable story he still tells us all) his new wife told him "My Mum is your Mum now". He told her where to go! She used to come to our family gatherings but gradually stopped and we barely see her now, she was well known for creating trouble and on more than one occasion my GM ordered her out of the house.

Since my cousin was born my Uncle visits every couple of days but she won't allow my cousin to visit/never been allowed to stay over with GM. We see cousin once a fortnight and Uncle every couple of days.

I know how you feel OP. And unless your son grows a backbone it won't change, she does it because she can get away with it and will continue until someone stands up to her like my Uncle did with his wife six years ago. Let him go and he'll come back when he's lonely and just has her.

@ericsmum1234, I don't think there's any more you can do, sometimes it's possible to try too hard actually. My DM is like that, she problem solves all the time and throws money around to try and make it right.

But we do love her so we continue a relationship as best we can. It helps having DCs, she's their granny and they have a lovely relationship with her.

My DSis and I do have a close relationship thankfully, sorry about how things are with your sister. It's tricky with our DB, he has serious MH problems and he seemingly has no memory of what our father did. (We all had repressed memories but that's another thread.)

What I would say is that your DS needs genuine professional help, if he hasn't already had any, and my guess is there's a lot of unfinished business to deal with.

Hang in there, that's what I would say. He'll come through in the end, but it needs to be when he's ready. Sorry it's so shitty with the DIL though.

Thanks to everyone who posted on here, it's given me plenty to think about. I'm sat here having a good cry and just want to forget about it for now as they're not due to come here anytime soon. Thanks again

All the best OP

I just think she doesn't like me or my youngest, although my son is just as guilty as her.

How is he guilty if he's not dealing with negative emotions from 10-15 years ago? Reads to me like he's a conflicted individual, wants to keep you at arm's length yet doesn't want to lose contact with his brother. He probably is between feeling you were a victim and being angry that his mum didn't protect him for years. Abuse is awful for anyone, but being abused young has the extra anger of 'why didn't the adults protect me'. You can reason it out when you're older, but if that anger isn't dealt with then no matter how deep it's buried, it can come out in many ways.

I meant he was guilty of allowing her to be rude to me. The abuse didn't go on for years, it was three years.

It sounds like a very difficult situation.

The abuse didn't go on for years, it was three years.

With all due respect, that is years. Even if it was 3 minutes, you allowed a man into your lives that caused a lot of pain. There's no minimise that fact, and just because you weren't the one causing the abuse, your son was still subjected to it in his home during his youth. If it's not been dealt with since, it will very likely still be on his mind and directly or indirectly affecting your relationship (and as a sidestep, his partner's relationship with you).

The trouble is that by reacting to her diabolical rudeness and refusing to make the journey you are playing into her hands. You risk alienating your son and damaging the relationship between two brothers. I would continue seeing your son when you can afford to and buying a takeaway coffee and a drink for your son to drink in their home. With regard to Christmas ask them to contribute but something like chocs and biscuits. Don't ask her to buy the turkey you will all go hungry! Block her by refusing to play into her hand.

It might not be personal. Maybe she has social anxiety due to ASD? My friend is like this with others. We manage ok because we have known each other well since childhood

Wombofonesown has given you a very harsh response, but one thing I would say is I was a bit uncomfortable when you said "he never really told me how counselling went "

Your DIL will be very aware of how it went and you really should take the time to ask him about it properly if there's any hope of you really moving on. You will hear some very difficult things though.

He may not want to share that with his mum though. I've had therapy and I've neverreally wanted to tell my DM about it. (She always cries when we talk about the past which is hard to cope with.)

The counselling is his safe place, OP, you need to wait for him to be ready to talk to her about it, and actually listen to what he's saying when he is. That means not being defensive and arguing about what he remembers about what happened to him. For example, don't argue about how long it went on for.

And posters are right, that it will colour how your DIL views you.

Have you ever thought he has told her about the evil step dad you didn't protect him from and his version of why his dad wasn't there growing up and that's why she is cold with you? It isn't your hers or even his fault if he believes it that she is cold with you. If all my partner told me about his mum was bad bites I mite Feel the same.

Op let me say that yes your Dil is odd hiding and not offering tea etc etc that's just basic manners... BUT there will be a reason she doesn't like you. It might not be clear but there will be one. You probably know deep down what it is and I would suggest ringing Dil to talk it out. Maybe there's crossed wires and it's all some big misunderstanding? You never know?

PS I only read the first page

It sounds to me like she loves your son, and cares about his brother, your youngest son.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but given the way your ex treated your son for years I'm not surprised she called social services rather than wait and see if the situation got worse. I would have.

She called them about your ex, not about you, but you seem to think it's all about you.

In my opinion she did the right thing in calling them, you presumably reacted to this and now she doesn't want you in her house but cares enough for your younger son to have you there if she has to.

If you want to rebuild a relationship with your son you need to apologise to him for not protecting him from your ex. Her attitude to you is probably down to this past issue.

Write him a letter if you think he won't want to speak to you about it.

She did the right thing calling SS.

She knows that you allowed your violent and abusive ex to bully her husband/your son for 3 years. (and please don't think I'm unsympathetic to the state you were in, or dismissing that you have apologised to him. But it's a fact that this man is abusive and that you have a history of not removing children from this abusive man.

This man is violent.

Your son "fell off a sofa" in his care.

You know what? If she posted this on MN as happening now, everyone would say "you can't guarantee she's keeping your 6yo nephew safe. Your husband is too emotionally embroiled as it's his mother. Call SS and let them deal with it".

It must have been awful to be on the receiving end of that visit - but it was the right thing to do - and the right outcome (no further action).

But then it came out... and good on her for owning to it. But can't you see why things are so awkward now that she hides when you're dropping off?

I think she could behave better.
I think it would be great if she could not show her dislike.

But in her eyes, you're probably the mother she thinks her husband should go no contact with. Why would she want to make you a cup of tea?!

I hope you can repair things with your son one day.
I'm sorry that your abusive relationship is behind this far reaching damage.
I wish that she could find a better strategy than rudeness - like agreeing with your son to be out at drop offs.

I think you have to see her side though, and back away.