Weird daughter in law

[ericsmum1234]

I have three children in their '30's and a son of 11. My problem is with one of my son's DP. She's always been a bit difficult to get along with but after 7 years I'm at the end of my tether. My son and her moved about 2 hours drive away for work 3 years ago. All good, they love where they live and have got really good jobs and a good life and my ds is very happy with her BUT, she really seems to dislike me and makes no secret of it. My youngest and his brother are really close & I've driven him there numerous times that involves a 4 hour round trip, but when I get there she barely says hello and when ive asked for a cup of tea she says no, we've got stuff to do. It's a brew ffs! And I have to turn around and drive for another 2 hours to get home. They rock up every xmas and eat all the food and contribute nothing, I'm on my own with little money and struggle to provide every year ( my two other children contribute, we do it between the three of us).

What's tipped me this time is I took my son up & she wasn't there, my son said she was at work and I didn't think anything of it. Then when I spoke to my youngest in the phone he told me that she was in the bedroom and came out when I'd gone. Obviously avoiding me. I just wanted to scream at her and say "what's your problem with me?" But my son wouldn't back me up. I know that he'd take her side and just stop speaking to me because he won't ever admit he's in the wrong. I'm not the sort of MIL who interferes ( I get on really well with my other children's DP), but I'm not doing that trip again because a) I can't afford the petrol and b) I'm not having the piss taken out of me. My youngest doesn't want to go any more either because she's not that nice to him.
The question is that this situation is going to pop again soon, how do I handle it? My anxiety is through the roof just thinking about it

His own "little life" was a typo! I didn't mean it to sound so patronising.
The back story to ss involvement is that I was in an EA marriage and loads of crap went on so yes, I think it was genuine concern. But why didn't she speak to me? She has a fairly odd family backround, they have their issues, and she slags off her sister and her dc regularly. She's very judgemental about raising children even though they have none.

Wanting him to herself' is quite an odd thing to say, do you really believe she's doing everything in her power to keep him away

I dont think its odd at all, I know a woman just now who is exactly like this.

Whatever her problem I think its best to accept you won't ever get a straight answer as to why and demanding one will probably just result in a big fall out. You can already tell your son sides with her.

Its an unusual dynamic in that you have children in their 30's and an 11 year old. Maybe she feels uncomfortable having him round for some reason? Do they have kids? Maybe if she can't have children or doesn't want them its bothering her? Or, maybe your son harbours some resentment towards you over something and all she gets is negative things said to her which has formed her opinion and she decided she dislikes you?

All of us can only guess at the reason. Be blunt drom this point on. Say to your son money is tight so can he collect his brother? Or meet you half way on the journey so you are only doing 2 hours driving each and you avoid going to his home. For Christmas maybe ask if they are going to her family this year? Or just tell him you are all splitting the cost this year and if he wants to come his contribution is £50 and then you will do the shopping etc I would try and treat him as he treats you. Blunt and to the point.

Some people are just twats.

Next time a visit crops up, nicely tell your son that you can't afford the petrol, and can he collect your youngest.

This. Or (better) he can visit with you at you and your DS's house.

For Christmas, why not ask everyone to bring a specific course for x people. This is what my mum does.

Something's amiss here. What are you hoping to get from your post OP? Just some validation that you are right or some advice about what to do or anything else? The way I am reading this is making my web twitch.

Are you certain nobody has tried to talk to you about what the issue might be?

Also. Why are you still doing the things that are putting you in the path of such upset? Why are you still driving the 11 yr old over there, hosting Christmas etc? You do don't have to do any of these things. It's up to you to look after yourself first, not someone else.

I know he's an adult and has his own little life

That's an interesting turn of phrase.... the 'little' I mean

According to your op she 'hid away ' on the last visit, maybe she's aware you don't think much of her and was trying to avoid conflict. TBH, you sound quite passive aggressive with the comments you've made. Your son is equally as responsible for hosting you,if not more so, being YOUR SON, but you are fixated on the fact that she was busy when you asked her to make you a cup of tea. Ask if it's ok to make your own if no-one offers (and remind your son it's polite to offer), let them know exactly which food/drink to bring at Xmas, and share the lifts if your youngest wants to get together. Or invite to your place. It's no good moaning that she doesn't live up to your standards/expectations if you don't make them clear.
As for calling ss, I expect she did this because she saw injuries, did you explain the circumstances? Because if it was while at his dad's, why would she report you?

I agree, Wooly. There's definitely more to this story.

Oh op this sounds like a crap situation.

If I knew that a family member had reported me to Social Services I would consider our relationship to be over. Obviously that leaves you with a difficult situation, but I'd like to think I'd be able to talk frankly to any of my sons and still maintain some sort of relationship.
Often, people like this get away with nasty behaviour because nobody wants to rock the boat. It may only be a matter of time before she convinces your son that you are "toxic" or a "narcissist" (possibly using MN as a reference!) and that they should go no contact with you anyway.

Just a thought - is she introverted? I am and I think I can come across as rude sometimes. However, I would make you a cuppa but perhaps not offer another as I'd be hoping you'd leave. I love my familyand in laws but one cuppa a week is plenty for me . Does she have friends round? Does she socialise?

If not then she's bloody rude.

Thanks everyone for your advice. My son comes to visit quite regularly on his own & it's lovely to see him but when she comes with him everybody dreads it. I don't interefere in their lives, but my son doesn't answer texts or phones for weeks on end. That's not her fault, he's always been a bit like that. I'm sick of being the one who makes all the effort, I send cards any presents on their birthdays ( I haven't done it this year) and I just get a txt on my birthday, usually at some point in the evening. I just feel like a non person, I know that sounds self pitying. I haven't said this to them.

Realistically, I think you have lost your son. So I would accept that and focus on the rest of your family. I know a couple of women like this and there's nothing you can do.

I would stop visiting them and if son asks why tell him the truth - that DIL was so rude to both you and youngest that neither of you want to visit any more.

If he wants to keep up with youngest ds then he can drive over to see you.

Wrt Christmas - don't invite them. And if they really want to come, explain your financial situation and say that you actually do need a proper contribution not some paltry lip service.

My ex SIL was similar and my DM spent hours wondering what she had done. It took the rest of the family to point out that she was the same with all of DB's family and friends. He had contact without her being present or mainly not at all. Sometimes there is no reasons, she admitted herself after their divorce and unfortunately after my mothers passing that it was not intentional she just liked her own family and felt no need to include DB's and DB was scared of not being allowed to see his DCs.

I'm wondering if you arrived on time when the cuppa was refused. I could see a sitiation where they plan nice things to do but you don't give an eta or stick to it. Otherwise that is unsocial behaviour.
At xmas they are the ones leaving their home and doing the trip, paying for petrol etc. Fine to split costs - but factor those in if everyone else is local.
Why is it down to her anyway. You are forcing wifework onto her. Communicate with your son.
If she called social services because she was worried i applaud her. Your exdp was violent and "falling off a sofa" would ring alarm bells too.

I suspect that she does it because she can. She can't be bothered. She knows she can get away with it for the same reason you ex emotionally abused you.

Xpost with OP - enjoy your son's visits when he comes and step back from the rest of it. Send cards for bdays and Christmas but no more.

I mentioned I knew a couple of women like this - one married a good friend of mine - he did see the light eventually and is now remarried to a totally lovely woman and is really happy. (He was never that happy with ex wife it later transpired).

I really feel for you. Your son and DIL were rude refusing you a cup of tea, damn right rude!

Unfortunately we have friends in a similar situation to you. Her grown up son has married and has a DD, without any actual fall out, arguments or even cross words their DIL has decided she wants nothing to do with them and they're not welcome at her home. This has resulted in them seeing their son and grandchild about once a year. Heartbreaking. But their son also hasn't defended them and they have no idea what they have done and she refuses to discuss it.

Some people just aren't very nice. x

And it was only when he got divorced that he realised how much everyone -including all his family and friends - had disliked her.

Fritz. I'm not passive aggressive at all, my other two adult children can see it too and didn't mention it till I did. If anything I'm too much of a people pleaser and I get this piss taken out of me for it.

Do you show up uninvited?

I can't imagine not inviting in someone who had driven two hours to drop someone off. It does sound as though there is more to it, but as your youngest has now said he doesn't really want to go then just let it die a natural death unless they say anything.

If he already comes to you on his own, then I think that is great. I think you need to stop fretting about his partner and enjoy the times that you do have.

There is an element of drop feeding in your last post- that when she accompanies your son on a visit 'everybody dreads it'- that suggests that you all discuss this behind her back, and I am starting to see picture emerge in which she could justifiably feel like the outsider in your family. I think these ancillary rants about xmas, lack of birthday presents show a real resentment at not being appreciated properly. However, critically, I think this resentment and hurt would be better directed at your son and not his partner- you're not her mother!

I dont think its odd at all, I know a woman just now who is exactly like this.

I know there are women who are controlling, but it's difficult to say in this case. After 10 years knowing my own MiL, there's times I'd rather hide than make conversation with her. However it is bloody rude to hide/not offer food and drink, I'm not denying that.

I just often find myself there's more likely to be a root to it rather than 'wife trying to take precious boy away from the family'. Even in cases where the woman is bemoaned for being 'controlling', it's usually because the bloke in question is completely wet and has gone from mummy telling him what to do (or even worse, being the 'golden child'), to finding a spouse who will treat him in a similar way, therefore meaning he doesn't have to ever take bloody responsibility for himself, or think about others without being told to.

It's very telling the op hasn't once blamed her son for his rudeness/inability to host or bring things to her house, or seeing his brother himself rather than being ferried over. The DiL ignoring her is a separate issue, but the rest is both of them, probably actually more him than her.