Weird daughter in law

[ericsmum1234]

I have three children in their '30's and a son of 11. My problem is with one of my son's DP. She's always been a bit difficult to get along with but after 7 years I'm at the end of my tether. My son and her moved about 2 hours drive away for work 3 years ago. All good, they love where they live and have got really good jobs and a good life and my ds is very happy with her BUT, she really seems to dislike me and makes no secret of it. My youngest and his brother are really close & I've driven him there numerous times that involves a 4 hour round trip, but when I get there she barely says hello and when ive asked for a cup of tea she says no, we've got stuff to do. It's a brew ffs! And I have to turn around and drive for another 2 hours to get home. They rock up every xmas and eat all the food and contribute nothing, I'm on my own with little money and struggle to provide every year ( my two other children contribute, we do it between the three of us).

What's tipped me this time is I took my son up & she wasn't there, my son said she was at work and I didn't think anything of it. Then when I spoke to my youngest in the phone he told me that she was in the bedroom and came out when I'd gone. Obviously avoiding me. I just wanted to scream at her and say "what's your problem with me?" But my son wouldn't back me up. I know that he'd take her side and just stop speaking to me because he won't ever admit he's in the wrong. I'm not the sort of MIL who interferes ( I get on really well with my other children's DP), but I'm not doing that trip again because a) I can't afford the petrol and b) I'm not having the piss taken out of me. My youngest doesn't want to go any more either because she's not that nice to him.
The question is that this situation is going to pop again soon, how do I handle it? My anxiety is through the roof just thinking about it

Well, OP, as my own MIL would have said: "You are not a little gold coin for everyone to love you". In other words, there is always going to be someone who doesn't like us but it doesn't necessarily reflect badly on us.

OP, gosh, you have a lot in common with my DM. I think she has finally come round to the fact that DB is the problem but of course for a long time we all (me and other siblings included) wanted to think it was SIL who was the problem because she can be a rude/cheeky cow in lots of other ways, not just with us... but actually one of her worst traits seemed to be that she seemed to manoeuvring behind my brother's backs with the rest of the family and that came across as very manipulative and frankly a bit sociopathic! It's taken time to realise it actually wasn't coming from an evil place even if it was woefully mishandled because she had this whole vision of our views and thoughts and upbringing from him as he's started to let it spill out to us over the years.

We (siblings) tried for a very long time to work through this with him but he seems to just completely feel that he had all the shit from our dad and it doesn't matter how many times we tell him about the shit we went through too, and that we feel very differently about our upbringing from the way he seems to think we do, he is stuck in the past and cannot move on, despite him having a very happy and prosperous home life and a lovely family of his own. Each sibling has their own differing memories and perspectives on what happened and we each experienced it differently due to our ages. The rest of us can see that. He can't. He is the oldest and his version is right, even when I actually managed to produce evidence to disprove some of the things he believes.

I've had enough now. Our dad is long dead and our mum is old and a lovely women who had a lifetime of shit, who did - and will still do - loads for her family. And we are at the stage of role reversal where I want to protect her to be honest, so she doesn't know the full story of how he feels because it would serve no purpose but to hurt her in her twilight years. He refuses to get counselling but is unable to even begin to talk about this until he's had a few drinks.... but when we're together and had a few drinks he cannot help but drag it all up again.

Your DIL clearly has a whole picture of you given that she called SS without discussing with you. Whatever the picture she has of you, she is treating you badly and rudely. Probably best you say you can't afford the petrol to keep taking your DS over there but they are welcome to come and visit anytime and let them contact and come to you for a while.

Sorry if this was further up the thread and I missed it, but did you ever get any support/counselling?

Peanut

No they don't want children. Ever!

Rea
Im sorry your poor mum has been through this too, it's normal that you feel protective. She's lucky to have you

I ave had counselling and so has my son. He never really told me how he got on

I do love my DB and always will, but we all have to work through the shit of our upbringing and he is the one with the most resources and opportunity to do that, but is the one who refuses to do it and keeps dragging us back into it when we all have more current crap on our plate to deal with than he has. Other siblings still make the effort but I'm the one who has just given up with him... which has pissed him off no end as we were the closest, and he's said some absolutely vile things to me that I will ultimately forgive but I'm not there yet... consequence being, he's making a lot more effort with DM these days. Shame it took the breaking of one relationship to improve another, but frankly I'd rather he and SIL were nicer to DM than to me if it has to be a choice between the two.

Maybe you could try asking him how his counselling went next time you get a chance to have a decent amount of time together, just the two of you?

OP, you asked for advice. Mine is to decide now how you're going to be treated.

Decide now how many times you are going to call/text your son, without him replying, before you leave it to him. (You might be able to re-train him and it might help build your self-respect.)

Decide how it's going to be at Christmas. Maybe tell everyone to bring a prearranged dish to share? Involve everyone and get everyone excited about it. If they don't join in they'll look like arses.

The birthday text is upsetting. Tricky to deal with as you can't make people acknowledge your birthday but very telling. I would throw yourself wholeheartedly into your more active loved ones and not check your phone on the day so you can't be upset by it.

Hope this helps.

ReaWithson

So you are forcing your brother to have the type of relationship with your mother that you think he should have with her.

That is fairly shit behaviour.

I think I might, though it'll be painful. Your experience of differing memories really struck a cord with me. When my son was about 15 he said in a row that he knew what had happened between me and his dad: I had an affair and kicked him out, when in actual fact it was his dad that had affair and left. When I asked him where he got that story from he wouldn't answer me. Complete fiction! I know he didn't get that from his dad, despite the fact that he cheated on me he always told the kids the truth. I'll never understand that.

Some people asked why I said mn fBours the DIL.
What I mean is when someone comes on to slate her MIL usually she gets sympathy and understanding. But usually if it's the other way round the MIL is asked ' were you over bearing/ interfering/ jealous of your DIL? Etc' so the DIL behaviour is excused. I haven't got time to catch up on this thread so this man Morven the case.
I've come across several mums at scho who are awful to their seemingly ok MIL. I suspect they will be same women who one day feature in the MIL thread.
But yes the son could offer a cup of tea obviously.

Don't touch
I've come to this conclusion after reading the posts on here. I'm being treated the way I'm allowing myself to be treated. I've been like this my whole life and, at 54, it's time I grew a pair.

When my son was about 15 he said in a row that he knew what had happened between me and his dad: I had an affair and kicked him out, when in actual fact it was his dad that had affair and left.

This is an odd way to rewrite history. At what age did his abusive step-dad enter the picture? Was it later than this or around the same time?

Our exDIL was an ace manipulator. She, and her family spun a web of lies and deceit, and our son was hooked in by them. I would never have thought he would have been, but as we read on other threads these emotional manipulators suck the confidence out of people. They were together for almost 10 years. Expensive wedding in October, split up before Christmas the same year, as she was having an affair even before the wedding. She never came round to see us after they got engaged, even before that she wouldn't eat with us when she did come round. When they needed some help with money for the wedding, it was only ever DS I saw, she was always "at work". I couldn't understand her attitude at all, so really after all that I can only say that there are women out there who despise their partners parents for no reason, and this person sounds like one of them. You;ll get no sense from your son while they are together. Harden your heart - don't take the other boy there, and don't have them anywhere near your home at Christmas

So you are forcing your brother to have the type of relationship with your mother that you think he should have with her

He started being nice to her and started being really horrible to me instead.

I did not force him to choose that option at all - plenty of alternatives available to him

Edmund. The evil stepdad came when he was 16. This odd idea came out when he was about 15. I split with my first husband when he was 10 months, they have always had regular contact with him and that's why I don't know where this came from.

The trouble is she has never caused any trouble other than phoning ss. She's just rude

I think after reading all of this i would kill her with kindness, be really really nice and kind. I ddnt like my ex MIL and would avoid her when she came, and it simply went back to her making me feel really uncomfortable, i was young a teenager and would go to visit they would sit me down and then all go off to the other room and just leave me sat in the living room on my own, i never felt like she liked me, she never put me at ease... where as my now MiL is just lovely, there is no doubt she likes me she is lovely to the point that she mollycoddles but i would rather her any day that the last one who just made me feel like i wasnt good enough... kill her with
kindness change it around

Then it's very odd to change history like that. However, some teens do make up and mix up things in their head at times, just looking for a reason to act out (not excusable though).

The trouble is she has never caused any trouble other than phoning ss.

Again I ask, do you really believe your son had no say/opinion when she called them? Are you absolutely sure it was 'all her'? It was your son who lived through the abuse with his step-dad, he would have more reasons than her to be 'extra concerned'. Just seems odd to me that he would have no opinion on it, at least, it's a very serious thing to report someone to SS.

ReaWithson

He was/is being nasty to you because (IMO) You are making him be "nice" to your "DM". (someone he doesn't want to have that type of relationship with).

You are refusing to forgive him till he meets your expectations.

You are refusing to accept that he has a different view to yours about his childhood.

And just because you are ready to forgive doesn't mean that he should be in the same place.

But I doubt that I will be able to make you see differently.

Or he may just be a dick

If he had no part in the decision to call SS, I'm surprised he and his DW are still together. Doing something like that behind his back would surely be beyond the pale for any relationship.

I don't know about him being complicit in phoning ss, he's got very good reason to hate exh. He was very uncomfortable when it all came out, so was she, but she didn't deny it. I was really pissed off with her questioning my parenting considering I brought up her DP.
I've tried killing her with kindness, that's what I've been doing all along and it clearly doesn't work.

Mittens. The fact that they're still together speaks volumes to me about his attitude towards me.

I think it's a bit rude to come to someone's house and ask for food/drink

If someone has come to your home and has to actually ask for a cup of tea, it isn't them that is rude.

notevernotnevernotnohow, it's rude not to offer, it's almost as rude to ask when an offer is not forthcoming.

I was really pissed off with her questioning my parenting considering I brought up her DP.
Well perhaps that's the heart of the matter right there.

No, its never rude to ask your own son for a cup of tea.

To be honest dragon, if that's what's at the heart of this she can fuck off. I'm done with feeling like the bad guy, I did my best, as we all do, but I'm not perfect and never will be. It's easy to judge others parenting when you're not a parent yourself.