Weird daughter in law

[ericsmum1234]

I have three children in their '30's and a son of 11. My problem is with one of my son's DP. She's always been a bit difficult to get along with but after 7 years I'm at the end of my tether. My son and her moved about 2 hours drive away for work 3 years ago. All good, they love where they live and have got really good jobs and a good life and my ds is very happy with her BUT, she really seems to dislike me and makes no secret of it. My youngest and his brother are really close & I've driven him there numerous times that involves a 4 hour round trip, but when I get there she barely says hello and when ive asked for a cup of tea she says no, we've got stuff to do. It's a brew ffs! And I have to turn around and drive for another 2 hours to get home. They rock up every xmas and eat all the food and contribute nothing, I'm on my own with little money and struggle to provide every year ( my two other children contribute, we do it between the three of us).

What's tipped me this time is I took my son up & she wasn't there, my son said she was at work and I didn't think anything of it. Then when I spoke to my youngest in the phone he told me that she was in the bedroom and came out when I'd gone. Obviously avoiding me. I just wanted to scream at her and say "what's your problem with me?" But my son wouldn't back me up. I know that he'd take her side and just stop speaking to me because he won't ever admit he's in the wrong. I'm not the sort of MIL who interferes ( I get on really well with my other children's DP), but I'm not doing that trip again because a) I can't afford the petrol and b) I'm not having the piss taken out of me. My youngest doesn't want to go any more either because she's not that nice to him.
The question is that this situation is going to pop again soon, how do I handle it? My anxiety is through the roof just thinking about it

I do think that if the OP's DS wants to spend time with his DB, he needs to do so at his DM's house. I'm suspecting that her DS isn't really taking into account his DP's views on this and she's resenting having a child in the house, for her to mind at times probably.

And the younger DS is saying he doesn't want to go anyway.

Thankyou Rea and mittens, your answers are really what I was looking for ( how to deal with the dil). Your suggestion of speaking to him calmly and asking if there's anything I can do to make it better is a good one, I don't want to make his life difficult because of his DP. However, I don't want to be made to feel like this either.

Hi op sorry to chime in again I did post earlier but didn't say this. Your situation is much like my situation/relationship with my mil. Although not with an abusive ex my mil left my H in the care of a man who sexually abused him and instead of mil stopping it she let it carry on as everything back in the early 90s seemed to be swept under the carpet.... Or in their family it certainly does. Anyway I have a very bitter feeling towards mil and can barley make her a tea to be honest when she's round. I think you need to look at it from your Dil pov, she is obviously hurt and protective of your son and what happened to him she probably hasn't been able to deal with or talk about maybe in the same way you have. Hope I'm making sense. It not about who brings what at Xmas time or makes tea she's obviously so hurt by what happened to him she can't stand to be in the same room as you. I really do relate to her! I do feel sorry for you but I think unless you can fully explain to her what happened etc get your pov across and try to build some bridge between you both I wouldn't bother as she will always view you the way she does now. I wish my mil would try to explain to me her actions and again my mil and H have worked through their issues but I came into the picture many years later and it's like an open wound for me. Do you get what I mean?

she's obviously so hurt by what happened to him she can't stand to be in the same room as you

We don't actually know why DIL is behaving like this

I think it's the most likely explanation for why she's taken against her MIL, though. Thinking about it, it's not likely she's got serious MH problems as she apparently holds down a well-paid job. She will have heard only the OP's DS's story so that might have given her a prejudiced view of her MIL.

Yes but we don't know and whilst it's very useful for the OP to consider it might be the reason or part of the reason, we have absolutely no idea whether that is the case and it's hardly helpful for the OP to have a whole narrative created in her mind about what the DIL is thinking and feeling based on what a bunch of complete strangers are projecting onto her.

You cannot say "she obviously feels" when you have no idea. It's not helpful and could well cause even more problems!

there is fault on both sides and I refuse to take 100% of the blame

but you are where your son is concerned. I am sorry but you are in complete denial about your actions

You come across as hugely self- absorbed with little ability to see anyone else's point of view. The years between 15-19 for your son sound a nightmare.

Oh and it's a minor point but you said something about Christmas being upon you - it is 4 months - a third of the year -until Christmas, why the need to make a drama out of it now?

She will have heard only the OP's DS's story so that might have given her a prejudiced view of her Mil

I am only reading the OP's side of the story and I'm quite clear if I had to pick a side it would not be the OP's.

I've read most of the thread. You've asked for suggestions.

I would remove the Christmas pressure from your family this year. Christmas gets very egged up, lots of expectations etc on how perfect it should be. So why dont you take your 11 year old away over Xmas? I took mine to Florida last year over Christmas. He was a perfect age. We had a lot of fun just the 2 of us.

Celebrate "Christmas" another time with the family. Easier then to start a new tradition - everyone brings a dish or a course. It cheers up January!

So you are changing a family dynamic without rocking the boat and saying something that might be interpreted as criticism.

I think you are getting a hard time and some posters seem to be imagining things and laying into you.

It does sound like you are blaming the DiL for your son's lack of contact. It's not really up to her to offer to pay at Xmas or send you cards on your birthday. There must be some reason she doesn't like you but that is kind of beside the point. I think you need to back off a bit and let your son come to you and stay out of the DiL's way.

Whatever happened in the past it was before the DiL was on the scene so if your son is ok with you now (and it sounds like he is happy enough to visit you without her) then it seems odd that she can't even be civil.

Things happened with my DP's dad in the past that are upsetting and that still bother him. He does see his dad though and whatever I think of what he's told me, I wouldn't take it upon myself to be rude to his dad when he comes to our house. That would be really odd behaviour. What I'm trying to say is that even if bad things have happened and your son feels bad about them still, it in no way justifies the DiL's behaviour towards you.

Also 16 is not actually a child - I would think that many 16 year olds would be mature enough to support their mother through a difficult time. Different if he was 12.

Anyway no good ever came of a MiL blaming complaining about her DiL to her son. All you can really do is keep smiling and hope things improve.

Just caught up with the thread, and what strikes me is that you are still blaming dil for everything, despite a number of pp pointing out that ds is just as culpable as she is, yet he has the family ties which mean he should naturally be more considerate of how they treat you than she is.
Have you answered why you expect a cup of tea offered and made by her, but not him? Or why he isn't more generous at Xmas?
Maybe understanding why you have these double standards might help build a more equitable and fair relationship with both of them.
You may think she's rude, but if you expect certain things from her and not him, and you seem very determined to make this clear, why would she want to be around when you visit? I do wonder if the constant disapproval has a large part to play.
As a side note, can you give any other examples of her being directly rude to you? My FIL thinks I'm pretty rude on occasion, but this stems from the more relaxed and jokey relationship my family all have with each other. We are comfortable teasing each other, but he seems to find this difficult to relate to and therefore rude. I can honestly say there are communication difficulties on my h side of the family but of course they don't see it, is it's just the way they are.

Sounds like she has the issue.One has a good friend whose DIL is same if not worse.A rather backstabbing & controlling DIL who is completely ungrateful toward the MIL.My thought is that DILs believe the MIL is desperate for any time with dc so can be unreasonable to the extreme.

One should lay down boundaries now.If one does not have the mere courtesy to answer the door,have a cup of tea with MIL when you are bending over backwards then it is disrespectful.

One's friend is similarly miffed,DIL is rude & dismissive.

when you are bending over backwards
What's this bit? Driving youngest for a visit? He wanted to go, and ds and dil don't drive...

Have only read your posts OP but I had an odd DSisIL. Family all bent over backwards to be accommodating. We got on OK. But her issues were due to her childhood and background. Not us.
Do you know what your DIL's background is?
And the bottom line is my DB chose her. There was something in his make up that he wanted to live with this person. It was surprising as he appeared to us charming and good looking so we couldn't fathom his choice of DW. But there it is, he loved her. You ahve to get on with that fact and accept it.
My advice would be to soldier on. Avoid visits as she is rude to you but people mature and things will most likely improve over time if there is no major fall out.
I'm not sure that discussing things with your DS is better than just letting things go now as he might feel got at.

Good grief some people are giving you a hard time OP. If you talk about your feelings about it you're 'self-absorbed' and if you don't you're 'in denial'. I actually laughed out loud when one PP above claimed the the DIL is a 'red herring' - what, a red herring in a thread about the OP's DIL?! As for the PP quoting toxic parents at you, ffs! I would just like to second what ReaWithson said:

...whilst it's very useful for the OP to consider it might be the reason or part of the reason, we have absolutely no idea whether that is the case and it's hardly helpful for the OP to have a whole narrative created in her mind about what the DIL is thinking and feeling based on what a bunch of complete strangers are projecting onto her.

Thankyou biscuit, I was feeling like I was being ganged up on.

I've just read your posts only.
So if this has been said before then I am sorry.
Why don't you start a new family tradition, and each have a Christmas in your own home.
Then meet for Boxing day at one house and New Years day for another.
She may resent having to come out on Christmas day as your son wants to see his family, and it would be nice to make such a change that you all get a different way of doing it.
This way you don't have to afford the massive meal, and the stress of having visitors, or being in someone else's home on this day.
By breaking a cycle of behavior you can then see if your son is going to say anything about it. You may find that he likes coming down, and having your son, his brother but won't tell his DP and so blames you, so she is cross at you but for his actions and being to cowardly to admit it is his choice.
Which might explain her hiding in her room, if she said no, he said you made him have his brother, and she hides rather than have it out with you as he told her not to casue a row.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'd say I'm in a similar position to your DIL. MIL was in an abusive marriage when DH was a teenager. DH cannot forgive his mother and has a complicated relationship with her. On the surface he gets on fine with her but when she is invited to stay (by him) he dreads seeing her and I'm the one who bears the brunt of his stress (snappy and argumentative). Even though she had divorced the abusive man before I met DH this all massively colours my view of her. I'm always civil to her but I don't respect or trust her and I can't feel close to her. Before I'm jumped on here, I don't blame her in any way for the abusive marriage, more for doing nothing to protect my DH. And I don't appreciate the mood change I have to put up with from DH before the visits.

On the subject of tea, I'm not a tea drinker myself so sometimes forget to offer one straight away.

IME the word weird can be used when people are trying to describe something they don't understand. I should imagine from what you have told us here, OP, that readers will have more knowledge of what is going on in your head than your other family members do. If and how you resolve that is up to you, but you could start with addressing your anxiety, as mentioned in your original post.

Wow. Hiding in the bedroom....now that is mature. Stop going. Wait it out. Sooner or later your son will grow some, miss his brother and tell her to play nicely. As for xmas, you say you have other kids that are grown up, how about them hosting for once? Let them know early enough and offer to do puddings. We do the shared xmas thing. I give them a list. One has veg (they prep, I cook), one has puddings and cheeses and I do the rest. Everyone brings their preferred alcohol and it works well. As for that cup of tea response, now that was just rude.

@Madwoman5, I agree there, really do find it rude not to offer tea to guests on arrival. Especially on an expected visit, it wasn't like the MIL called in unannounced. I really don't get why the DS didn't just make his DM a cuppa himself though. I also don't see why the OP didn't ask her DS for one, as she knows that her DIL is funny with her.

As for the obvious dislike we can't really say anything about, that's why we've ended up speculating from what you've told us.

It's possible you're trying too hard to make her like you, when she's made her feelings clear for whatever reason. (My MIL has always tried too hard to create a mother/daughter bond with me, wanting me to call her mum, which is closer than I actually want to be; she's my DH's DM and my DDs' grandma, but she isn't my DM, sorry, she's lovely but not my mum.)

I think it will be easier for you all when you're not bringing your younger DS around. Actually since he's the one who wanted you to bring his DB over he should darned well offer you a cup of tea himself!

If there are women reading this thread who are in abusive marriages with affected children and are contemplating how to extricate themselves from the situation, please know that it is never too late to make the change and there are plenty of people who will respect you for getting out.

I think the responses you're getting reflect the issues other have with in laws combined with the revelations of abuse etc.

So you say you always host xmas and that's not appreciated but I bet people are thinking of threads where the mil summonses everyone for xmas every year and they just want to spend some time with their own families so it causes them stress. So for that just don't host this year. Let everyone do their own thing.

The abuse your son suffered cannot be minimised. No amount of apology can make this better - it will have scarred him for life and no matter how much therapy he has it will always be there. And you, as his mum, didn't stop it. Now I have no idea of the specifics but that's a huge issue - he is going to suffer that forever.

I think you need to see this through the DILs eyes - she had sufficient cause to call SS in a family where she knows there has been abuse in the past. She sees the damage done to her husband daily. Of course she called SS and of course she didn't talk to you beforehand - why would she have? Now all that's been swept under the carpet and she's expected to go to yours for xmas and be pleasant when you arrive.

There's obviously a huge amount of back story here and I'm having a hard time seeing that she's a villain to be honest.

I agree that the DIL will be contending with the damage to her DP on a daily basis, it was probably a factor in their temporary split. I know that my DH sees the damage to me and it does affect him. It's never easy for the partner to cope with; I have huge sympathy for the DIL for that reason. And it's hard when we're only hearing one side of the story.

And saying sorry will never really make it go away. He can forgive you and you can both move on, but the relationship will never be what it could have been IYSWIM. It's like that with my DM.

And the DIL maybe won't forgive you, and she doesn't have to.

It will improve with time OP. I grew up in an emotionally abusive marriage, and I was the family scapegoat. However, at 51 now, I can see what my Mum had to put up with, and whilst she didn't protect me as much as she perhaps should have done, she couldn't see the wood for the trees either. It wasn't until my parents split up that she realised what an utter shit my Dad was.

I decided early on I could either dwell on what had happened, or get on with my life and I chose the latter. Whilst my Mum drives me up the pole sometimes, we speak every day, and she comes to stay regularly (we are in different countries due to dh's job). Dh has been a rock for the past 32 years; he knows how my Dad was, and stood up to him, and has always been kind to my Mum.

The relationship with Mum and I improved once she'd left Dad, and she could see how abnormal his behaviour was.