Weird daughter in law

[ericsmum1234]

I have three children in their '30's and a son of 11. My problem is with one of my son's DP. She's always been a bit difficult to get along with but after 7 years I'm at the end of my tether. My son and her moved about 2 hours drive away for work 3 years ago. All good, they love where they live and have got really good jobs and a good life and my ds is very happy with her BUT, she really seems to dislike me and makes no secret of it. My youngest and his brother are really close & I've driven him there numerous times that involves a 4 hour round trip, but when I get there she barely says hello and when ive asked for a cup of tea she says no, we've got stuff to do. It's a brew ffs! And I have to turn around and drive for another 2 hours to get home. They rock up every xmas and eat all the food and contribute nothing, I'm on my own with little money and struggle to provide every year ( my two other children contribute, we do it between the three of us).

What's tipped me this time is I took my son up & she wasn't there, my son said she was at work and I didn't think anything of it. Then when I spoke to my youngest in the phone he told me that she was in the bedroom and came out when I'd gone. Obviously avoiding me. I just wanted to scream at her and say "what's your problem with me?" But my son wouldn't back me up. I know that he'd take her side and just stop speaking to me because he won't ever admit he's in the wrong. I'm not the sort of MIL who interferes ( I get on really well with my other children's DP), but I'm not doing that trip again because a) I can't afford the petrol and b) I'm not having the piss taken out of me. My youngest doesn't want to go any more either because she's not that nice to him.
The question is that this situation is going to pop again soon, how do I handle it? My anxiety is through the roof just thinking about it

How "vile" was his stepdad to him and how long did it go on for.

That's the back story I'd suggest is relevant.

You don't have to have a relationship with your DIL. And she doesn't have to have one with you. They have no children together and there are no grandchildren which often ramps up contact/interest etc.

I'd focus on your relationship with your son. Enjoy it when he comes to visit. Do ask him when he is by himself what the problem is? Ask in a non confrontational and calm way.

I do think there is more to this story and you should find out more. It's down to your son to reply to his own mother, it's nothing to do with your DIL. It's down to your son to offer you a cup of tea as well. How long does your youngest son go to visit them for each time? Is that welcomed by your DIL? Do you spend every Xmas together - don't they want to be alone some years? Do they not also have her family to visit? How can a DIL who has moved two hours away and have little to no contact with you be involved enough in your family comings and goings to know enough details to call social services? Why do you want a relationship with DIL if she did this to you?

Please think about all these things and take some time for yourself. You don't have to do anything for them unless you want to.

It didn't go on for very long, but a lot happened in a short space of time. The worst thing that happened was when my exh told my son that he would never amount to anything ( this was just after he left school) and called him a lazy prick. I found my son in his room crying, it still kills me every time I think of it, of course the exh denied it. He felt very threatened by my son, he wanted him to move out as soon as he was 16, I was too downtrodden to stick up for him & d just had a baby ( he was 2 days old when this happened). My ex has short man syndrome and my son could've broken him in 2 but didn't ( he's tall and sticky). There were loads of other things, the ex constantly bitching when he thought he couldn't hear, but he did. God, it was awful.

Her family live abroad and I don't know why they don't go there for xmas. I think it's because my son likes to be with the kids ( my son & grandson who's 5) at xmas. As she's his partner she comes too.

I wonder if that is part of what's going on, and why your ds and dil are worried about your younger ds.

• tall and stocky

Mittens There will be a back story here. I have also noticed that the OP won't say a word against her DS, but surely he shouldn't take some of the blame

The OP has said her DS is equally at fault in her post at 15.25 Very true, he's just as much at fault here

Admittedly I hadn't read that post when I posted that. It's a lot clearer what this is about now. That must have been so hard, OP, and it will have affected his self-esteem. He clearly does want a relationship with you, though.

Very interesting contributions here and it looks like you are making the best of them, OP. However it is all surmise. Teenagers do tend to think of their parents as being responsible for all their problems but that doesn't mean that your son is stuck in that. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just parents who do their best and get it wrong sometimes.

'As she's his partner she comes too'

I wonder how much she likes being the add on.

I don't think that has anything to do with you OP. Nothing at all. We never know what the dynamic of a couple is behind closed doors.

I think a lot went on for your son when he was growing up. The issue with your ex husband is likely to still be at the root of your issue now.

You don't have a DIL problem, not really. You and your son should talk about the past and work out how to move forward.

Wow. Having been in an abusive relationship myself I feel for you that you got so downtrodden in an abusive relationship when your son was 16.

Have you ever written to him (less emotional perhaps) and say that you regret that you weren't strong enough to stand up for him when you were feeling ground down with a new born but that it's something that you realise must have been very damaging to his self-esteem. Just acknowledge it.

You and your son should talk about the past and work out how to move forward.

I totally agree. You could perhaps write him a letter.

This is the kind of stuff my MIL spouts and tells anyone who will listen that she's been wronged etc. However anyone who's known the family a long time will know why I don't like her and the difference is I don't go around telling everyone the crap she does to me.

I didn't say I was wronged, I was at a loss as to why my dil was so off with me.
Having said that, the mn collective have made me look at the situation from a different angle without any fires being shot & im grateful.

I'm the big bad dil (even though I'm tiny)

I used to have a good relationship with my mil until something happened and I didn't like the way she acted/said to my dh.

Regards to the kettle - Is it possible that she's used to her family coming in and just making themselves a drink?
My parents do but mil doesn't and asks but always asks dh.

Hiding away- can't comment as I have done this, only to keep the peace.

Mil had a go at me for forgetting Sil birthday. I made a big point that it wasn't down to be to remember everyone's birthday.

To do with the phone calls/txt's - Mil had another dig at me and again i said it is not upto me to make sure he calls you.

I went NC for over a year but dh still visited without me and that was the best thing for everyone.

As for Xmas, now feeling incredibly guilty as always go to my parents and I never take anything, presents obviously. So will definitely ask this year.

Pinky I've never given my dil any grief about lack of phone calls or any contact. I've said nothing, just left it with them even though they don't answer my calls or texts when I do so. It's very hurtful.

Her family live abroad, so boundaries aren't an issue.

Teenagers do tend to think of their parents as being responsible for all their problems but that doesn't mean that your son is stuck in that. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just parents who do their best and get it wrong sometimes..

I agree with this

Don't visit, don't invite. If your ds wants to preserve his own relationship with you he needs to put his big boy pants on and communicate with you.

A tiny part of me wonders how healthy their relationship is, though. A classic abuse tactic is to isolate a partner from family and friends. So don't cut him off entirely.

Perhaps the fact that her family lives abroad is the ideal boundary for her? Maybe she is very happy to be left alone, she could be an introvert or very much likes it to be just her and your son.

There are all sorts in this world and I'm just speculating here to turn the problem around from all angles.

I feel for you op. Both my mil and sister have dils who behave in a similar manner. Their sons have married very controlling women, who would prefer them not to have any contact with their blood families (except when they need money, childminders or somewhere to eat ) yes, of course there are dreadful mils but there are also some really selfish dils who destroy relationship because of their own linsecurities.

Then in my opinion she just isn't trying, unfortunately like some pp have said some women feel the need to compete with their mil, which I don't understand, its 2 different kind of love.
Like I said regards the kettle I just expect people to help themselves, might be to do with the fact I don't drink hot drinks.

Give him some space, leave it open for him to call you when he's ready. Not being horrible here but if something happens you will more than likely be the first one he calls... I know that from experience.

And other thing regarding his childhood. Not saying he's imagining it but it could be extreme memories, he's telling her?

For example, I'm older than my sister and something happened, I was there and her recollection of events are different to mine, she believes strongly that certain people where there and others wasn't. Even my parents tell her but no she believes whole heartedly that she's right.

I don't really know I just hope everything works out for you, your son and dil.

TBH, I did wonder if he is being controlled, but if he is he won't welcome my saying so. Having been in a controlling relationship my self pointing it out would just add to the pressure.

Thankyou Pinkie, I do too. Xmas is looming and I'm dreading it.

Do you know if they want dc ? Your youngest is 11 any chance there is some jealousy there?