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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have gushed praise for stopping smoking?

151 replies

StrongerThanIThought76 · 17/08/2017 10:58

Recently discovered that a very good friend blames me for the breakdown of our relationship because I wasn't gushing about her stopping smoking.

She stopped on the day of life-changing cancel surgery that smoking was declared to be the cause of.

3 years previously she had a heart attack that was caused by (declared by the cardiologist after going through her entire history) you guessed it, smoking.

I was there whilst she was having the heart attack, and whilst she was going through investigation, diagnosis, treatment and recovery from the cancer.

I am a non-smoker and with many friends and family have been trying to get her to stop for literally decades.

So, AIBU for not gushing about her quitting?

OP posts:
Saucery · 17/08/2017 11:00

Depends how 'gushy' she wanted you to be. An acknowledgment that it was a damn hard thing for her to do would have been the decent thing.

PandorasXbox · 17/08/2017 11:00

Gushing? I guess anyone stopping smoking might appreciate a bit of support?

BlurryFace · 17/08/2017 11:06

You er...don't suppose someone fresh out of cancer surgery, dealing with the fact that cancer was due to her lifestyle/addiction and quitting said addiction could have done with some TLC?

Anecdoche · 17/08/2017 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NC4now · 17/08/2017 11:10

I've just finished the Allen Carr stop smoking book. Today is my first day as a non smoker.
I think it would have been nice to give your friend a bit of encouragement. You could have told her you were proud of her, she smelled better, or anything!
Just be positive Smile

PastaOfMuppets · 17/08/2017 11:12

YANBU to not "gush", but it was your choice and has cost you a friendship. Would you rather be right, or be happy? Why ask if you were BU at all - if you missed the lost friendship you would probably be trying to express your regret at letting a friend feel unsupported. The fact you want to feel validated in not "gushing" shows you care more about doing what you want over supporting a friend who needed more TLC than you were willing to give.

squoosh · 17/08/2017 11:13

Hmmm, she's been through the health wringer (yes, yes, self-inflicted but so what) so it seems a bit odd that you're purse lipped in your refusal to give her a little 'wahey, good for you'. Isn't that what friends generally do?

You say you've been trying to get her to stop smoking for 'literally decades' so she's probably a bit confused as to your stern silence now she's done the very thing you've been urging. I'm confused tbh.

Original poster
StrongerThanIThought76 · 17/08/2017 11:16

Oh the TLC was there is spades, believe me. I've been there for her at her darkest moments.

I just never congratulated her for stopping smoking.

She told me (recently) that it was so hard to go past the tobacco desk at the supermarket and not buy any. I manage to shop every week and not spend £70 on fags, do I get praise?

OP posts:
ButFirstTea · 17/08/2017 11:18

You sound... a bit mean. If you've never smoked then of course it's easy not to spend money on cigarettes, just like if you've never taken drugs it's very easy to continue not taking drugs.

Maybe just put your own feelings about smoking aside and give her the acknowledgement/encouragement she needs if you value the friendship?

NC4now · 17/08/2017 11:18

No, because you aren't fighting an addiction.

squoosh · 17/08/2017 11:19

I manage to shop every week and not spend £70 on fags, do I get praise?

And I manage to walk past the off licence without breaking into a sweat. Because luckily I've never been addicted to the stuff!

Are you by any chance a bit peeved that you can no longer lord the fact that you're a noble none smoker over her? As she too is now a noble non smoker.

Is this perhaps the equivalent of the slim friend getting a bit miffed when her fat friend loses 5 stone?

Crowdo · 17/08/2017 11:20

Are you kidding? Of course you don't want to buy cigarettes Confused

Nancy91 · 17/08/2017 11:22

I think you were mean not to give her a pat on the back for doing something so difficult. You aren't addicted to nicotine so it's easy for you to walk past the tobacco counter. It must have been hard for her. After all she has been through because of smoking, you should be so happy for her quitting as it means your friend is going to be healthier and her life is going to be better now. What sort of friend doesn't support that?

ShatnersBassoon · 17/08/2017 11:22

This sounds like a bit of a hobby horse for you. You hate smoking, she gets that.

Why not just be normal and give her a well-earned pat on the back for doing something really difficult? Does the glow you get from thinking 'you brought this on yourself' feel better than being kind?

Orangebird69 · 17/08/2017 11:23

You sound incredibly mean and spiteful tbh op. I'm sure she'll get over the loss of your 'friendship'.

mumeeee · 17/08/2017 11:25

YABU. It's very hard for a smoker to stop smoking. So it is something that deserves praise and congratulations for giving up.

Anecdoche · 17/08/2017 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissionItsPossible · 17/08/2017 11:30

I'll go against the grain and wonder what sort of person blames a friendship breaking down because you didn't praise them for stopping smoking Hmm. Yes, very well done to them and I know how hard it is as I managed to stop as well and a "Well done" would have been nice, but not something to break a friendship over.

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/08/2017 11:30

I imagine you felt a bit like this op!

However (while I sympathise with the sentiment) you may need to stamp on it and drag the words 'I'm proud of you' out of your core. I imagine you are, really. Aren't you?

She sounds a little sensitive atm.

To not have gushed praise for stopping smoking?
squoosh · 17/08/2017 11:32

What about medal that says 'you stopped doing the thing I was begging you for decades to stop doing. So now I'm pissed off'.

cingolimama · 17/08/2017 11:33

You sound incredibly mean-spirited, and self-righteous. Smoking is a physical and psychological addicition that requires huge amounts of will to conquer. It's really really hard. Anyone who quits smoking deserves our support and massive congratulations.

Ginkypig · 17/08/2017 11:35

Ah your one of those.

I thought I felt a tone in your opening post but thought il give you the benefit of the doubt but then your next post made it clear.

Your friend is much better off without people like you in her life. I hope she realises and cuts you out.

TipTopTipTopClop · 17/08/2017 11:35

You sound terribly petty. Why not give her a bit pat on the back?

Babbitywabbit · 17/08/2017 11:37

If you've been with her through the dark times supporting her through illness, that counts for more than gushing emotive sentiments about the fact she's stopped smoking.

She sounds very needy. From what you say, she's willing to let a genuine friendship slide, whereas if you'd publicly gushed 'well done Hun, ur amazing' kind of thing, she'd have felt better. This is her problem not yours.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 17/08/2017 11:37

She nearly killed herself multiple times by doing something entirely avoidable.

I wouldn't have gushed either. She sounds like a dramallama.