To not have gushed praise for stopping smoking?

[StrongerThanIThought76]

Recently discovered that a very good friend blames me for the breakdown of our relationship because I wasn't gushing about her stopping smoking.

She stopped on the day of life-changing cancel surgery that smoking was declared to be the cause of.

3 years previously she had a heart attack that was caused by (declared by the cardiologist after going through her entire history) you guessed it, smoking.

I was there whilst she was having the heart attack, and whilst she was going through investigation, diagnosis, treatment and recovery from the cancer.

I am a non-smoker and with many friends and family have been trying to get her to stop for literally decades.

So, AIBU for not gushing about her quitting?

I ❤ PencilsInSpace

Thanks Pencils

"Irrational smoking-induced rage" or not, I simply cannot bring myself to applaud my friend in quitting smoking. I have told her well done, and I have previously - over many, many years - supported her repeated attempts to quit.

The fact that smoking has directly been responsible for two critical and life-changing health problems had not given her the incentive to quit until the day of life-changing surgery (for which I was there for her both times) really is a sticking point for me.

Smokers know it's a terrible habit. Non-smokers know it's an addiction and incredibly difficult to quit. I get that.

Yet she told me herself that our friendship was at breaking point because I wasn't gushing/enthusiastic/more supportive about her FINALLY giving up a habit that has caused heartache and pain - let alone £125k up in smoke?

Perhaps as pp have said I should fall over myself to praise her. There are more ways to support someone through health difficulties than to praise them for stopping doing the ONE THING that caused it in the first place, and I've done more than most around her over the last couple of years, does that mean the people who've praised her but not been near for months at a time are 'better' friends?

I nearly lost her twice because of her disgusting unhealthy expensive habit, and now she's right to cut me off for not gushing and heaping praise on her?

The thing is, OP, throughout this thread you've talked about your friend as if you have zero respect for her. Everything you've said just reads as if the only reason you were ever friends with her was so you could feel superior to her - and I suspect your friend has realised this too. There is no way that the smoking thing is the reason she's cut you off. She's just finally seen through you.

You loved it when you could treat her like your own little improvement project and play the martyr and make a big show of being at her bedside and making sure everyone knew how much you'd been helping. Now she's finally sorted her life out and you're secretly a bit gutted because you can't play that role any more - and your friend has absolutely realised that.

If you really cared about her, you would want to do everything you could to help her not smoke - including giving her loads of praise, or 'gushing' as you insist on calling it because you can't even bring yourself to talk about a positive thing in a positive way.

Alcoholics know all the booze is bad, crack heads know it is bad for them.

Nicotine is (peer reviewed) known to be more addictive than the vast majority of substances currently illegal.

Tbh you sound like a dick.

You sound as if you despise her

Would you be saying the same if this was my sibling or parent who had been through all this?

Or is it just because you think I've been playing about for decades like some sort of toy that I've list interest in?

*lost

Sometimes being close to death changes people, I'm not buying that it's just about the smoking, she's maybe picking up on your anger towards her and has decided, rightly or wrongly, that you aren't a positive person in her life. If you can honestly say you are a good friend then you need to have it out with her or just leave it.

I'm afraid it is what it sounds like, OP. You sound very much as if you despise her. She's done something that's very hard to do and been through a near-death experience, and she'll be feeling vulnerable and needing the support of her friend.

You don't have to praise her if you don't want to OP

Tbh it doesn't sound like you like or respect her very much so probably best to draw a line in the friendship.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt op, is all this anger and frustration because you actually do really care about her and her health has frightened you? If that is true then you should apologise and explain.

Yes, I would think exactly the same op. HTH.

I can see both sides here. As someone who has been smoke free for almost a year, I can appreciate how hard your friend has had it quitting. You have never smoked I guess? If so, you have no idea what those cravings are like. It's not as simple as just not doing it. It's like being in a hot car in a traffic jam and being mega thirsty. You can't get rid of that discomfort until you get to a place that sells water or home. For a smoker you have to wait until that craving goes away on its own.
Of course you won't die from no nicotine like you would with no water but the discomfort is so similar.
Saying that you avoid buying tobacco products every week and don't get congratulated is moot. You've never smoked.
It really does sound like you've been there for your friend though and that is amazing. Would it really hurt to acknowledge how far she has come to help herself? Although you may have said well done, I apologise if you have n I missed that part. I don't think you should be pissing glitter for her because quitting is a personal journey (or at least it was for me, I had a cancer scare and I find it odd when I'm congratulated for stopping the fags) but a little pat on the back to keep her going wouldn't hurt. You sound like a very supportive friend so why stop at saying well done for helping yourself? After all there's no point in helping someone if they won't help themselves too. Your friend has come a long way and your support on this will get her through the harsh part of withdrawal and sudden cravings. My sister has been smoke free for 6 years or more and still gets the odd urge to smoke so I know they don't entirely go away forever, your friend will need the help to stay smoke free. It's a tough one, while I don't think you are being unreasonable for not gushing, I still think you could just offer a tiny bit of positivity to keep her going.

Quitting is very hard. It feels like a battle every day for a while. I quit over 10 years ago and I sometimes still get the odd day when I feel like smoking "just one" (I don't, though!). You've said it yourself, she put herself in danger and lost a lot to tobacco, that should tell you how much of a challenge it was for her, how difficult it was that even when faced with death she still was clinging onto the habit. For you it might have been a matter of common sense, but for her it was a massive challenge and she expected more encouragement and support from you this time that she's made it through. She probably thought she'd make you proud and was disappointed to just get the "well done", which is SO patronising, by the way! I'd have been celebrating a milestone, like a month without smoking, with something fun together.

Anyone who manages to quit smoking has my absolute admiration. Pat yourselves on the back, coz your family and friends are benefitting from you sticking around a lot longer.

Having lost 4 beloved people in my life through smoking, I have first hand experience of the battles each of those people had, and distressing symptoms which I remember to this day even though many years ago

A success story - My lovely former boss successfully managed to quit, cold turkey after being a confirmed smoker for many years. He used to carry one cigarette in his top pocket, but never ever smoked it. He said he used it to convince himself that, if he ever got that desperate, it was his safety net. But he never did and to this day, he still hasn't smoked. I never got sick of telling him what a brilliant thing he had done, he was too modest to recognise it, but I was glad he didn't mind me going on about it!

Send your friend this way, OP, there are a lot of people on this thread who I'm sure would be happy to give her encouragement and wouldn't mind a bit of a gush. It costs nothing, but its priceless to the person who needs that support.

And maybe read up about the role of friends and family as a support network

www.webmd.boots.com/smoking-cessation/quit-smoking-family-friends-help

Lo and behold, the 5th bullet point is .....

Use praise and admiration to support efforts to stop smoking either the gushing or non-gushing variety will do

I see this both ways.

Quitting smoking is a fantastic achievement, and giving a little pat on the back to your friend would be nice, and is surely no effort for you, compared to all the effort you've put in to supporting her all these years.

On the other hand, I get what OP is saying.

Gushing would seem pretty hollow in this situation. For your friend, it's too little too late. Sorry but once you've had heart problems and cancer caused by smoking that's pretty much it for you. Barring divine intervention, your friend isn't going to live a long healthy life. She almost may as well keep smoking.

Anyone who has ever quit smoking after many years knows what an achievement it is. Unfortunately having ill health or no money or whatever doesn't make it easier to quit, if anything it might make it more challenging to muster up that will power. Respect your friend's achievement a bit more. Yabu

Gushing would seem pretty hollow in this situation. For your friend, it's too little too late. Sorry but once you've had heart problems and cancer caused by smoking that's pretty much it for you. Barring divine intervention, your friend isn't going to live a long healthy life. She almost may as well keep smoking.

Yeh, OP should just tell her that it's all in vain anyway because her days on earth are numbered

Well no I don't think she should tell her that at all, but going on and on about how great it is would seem hollow.

She's being a twat.

She wasn't forced to start smoking.

I remember quitting when I was pregnant. I actually had suicidal thoughts for about 3 months, that's how hard quitting was for me.
Some people do just stop, without any problems. Other people find it a continual struggle.
On my final quit (12 years ago) it took me about 4 months before I started to feel good again, sleeping properly, no depression, etc. and that was with nicotine patches to help me.
As it happens I didn't want anyone 'gushing' over me because I'm not that sort of person. But I also didn't want people around me who think that my quitting is the same thing as them not buying cigarettes if they've never smoked in the first place.
I've never used drugs, I'm not going to assume that beating a drug addiction is the same thing as never using drugs. In the same instance, I found it comparitively easy to give up alcohol, and to cut out shitty food in order to lose weight, I'm still going to support other people who do find those things more difficult than I do.
I would just discontinue this friendship, OP. It sounds as if you're not on the same page, tbh.

@noeffingidea, I do get that! I didn't want any praise for sorting out my drinking. Most people didn't know and I kept it that way. Only DH knew, and my family were told about it, thankfully it hadn't been out of control for long. I had myself tested and my liver function was abnormal, that was enough of a motivation. But it was a source of a lot of shame.

But my family did tell me how brave I'd been and that meant a lot. Not gushing, that's not needed, but a heartfelt 'I'm proud of you' goes a long way.

Obviously smoking is different as you can't hide that!

You sound horrible.

There's some right arseholes on this thread