To not have gushed praise for stopping smoking?

[StrongerThanIThought76]

Recently discovered that a very good friend blames me for the breakdown of our relationship because I wasn't gushing about her stopping smoking.

She stopped on the day of life-changing cancel surgery that smoking was declared to be the cause of.

3 years previously she had a heart attack that was caused by (declared by the cardiologist after going through her entire history) you guessed it, smoking.

I was there whilst she was having the heart attack, and whilst she was going through investigation, diagnosis, treatment and recovery from the cancer.

I am a non-smoker and with many friends and family have been trying to get her to stop for literally decades.

So, AIBU for not gushing about her quitting?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-5-most-addictive-drugs-in-the-world-a6924746.html

In 2016, nicotine was rated the fifth most addictive substance in the world by a panel of experts in addiction. OP, I get that you've already supported this friend through a hell of a lot, but I would say successfully quitting smoking addiction is a big achievement deserving of positive reinforcement from family and friends. And I've never been a smoker.

Positive reinforcement for any positive changes will always encourage people to keep going.

You don't need to 'gush' but a well done, dropped into the conversation every now and again costs nothing, shows thoughtfulness and offers encouragement.

Yeah. Some people really feed off other's misfortune. And then are peeved when the misfortune stops.

But that doesn't sound like the, OP.

I'd also find it difficult to congratulate someone for stopping smoking in the circumstances the OP describes.

It was a choice she made for the continuation of her own life. Why would you congratulate someone for that?

It's a bit like saying, "well done for looking before you crossed the road" to someone who is above the age of about 7.

Squoosh I find that when someone stops doing a stupid thing and their life dramatically improves, I can't help thinking of all the years lost due to their refusal to do this earlier. I am thinking of someone in my own family in particular here, so it is an emotive subject.

In general though, I keep such thoughts to myself and issue a 'That must have been very difficult; well done' periodically. Funnily enough they always seem to pull a little face when I do this and gravitate to the gushers. Can't think why

Go on OP- post a naff Emoji on FB and say 'congrats Hun, ur totes amazeballs'

It's okay user. It's good you can admit you're needy for a bit of praise.

Grow up @squoosh

It's obvious what I meant. I was being sarcastic, and you fucking know it. I was saying 'I have never done any of this, so do I get fucking praise and a medal too?'

It's so obvious I was being sarcy, and obvious I wasn't actually looking for praise.

But you know what of course. You are just being pedantic. Why the fuck would I want praise off random usernames on the internet who I don't even know? PMSL!

Bored today are you hun?

Or did I hit a raw nerve???

Nah sorry hun, you don't get praise off me for quitting something you should not have been doing in the first place. Grow up!

Aren't you an absolute peach, OP?

It's obvious what I meant. I was being sarcastic, and you fucking know it.

Your hair looks quite nice too.

Now let's talk about all that anger you're hanging on to? It can't be good for you.

It's so obvious I was being sarcy, and obvious I wasn't actually looking for praise.

And you make a cracking slice of toast. Just the right side of golden brown.

I just never congratulated her for stopping smoking

But WHY not? There is something you are not telling us here. You say you've been there for this person in her darkest moments, I've no reason to disbelieve you, but it doesn't follow that A) you wouldn't be pleased that she had been able to give up smoking and at least muster a few words of praise/encouragement and B) she would be so upset by this that she would immediately sever an important friendship.

It isn't making any sense and I can't imagine that you'll find the answers you're looking for on here until you approach it with a bit more honesty. I will be amazed if this is as simple as you've made it out to be in your OP. I think you are minimising something or holding details back which might be an indicator that you know deep down that you hold some responsibility for the break down of your friendship. Seeking validation from strangers, without presenting them with the facts, isn't going to help you in the long run I'm afraid,

You are being a bit harsh it's an addiction. A single well done I'm proud of you is all that's needed though. What the hell did she want? If you acknowledged it and left it at that fine. However it's a really hard habit to give up and Iv seen many jump on and off the band wagon a lot. I feel for them as nobody is stupid enough to not know it's killing them.

OP - if you really don't get it, then your friend is well off without you.

And as for the poster who said She sounds like a dramallama - ie the friend - well, you and OP would be well suited

Nice drip feed regarding your obvious disdain for and lack of understanding of, people who have fought addictions.

It must be really frustrating to be friends with somebody who has been so ill, and who has perpetuated behaviour which has contributed to these illnesses. However, your whole tone makes it clear that you're not a nice person.

user1497435493 I also think it's fab that you're so skilled with sad faces and happy faces.

Wow. I DID tell her well done for stopping smoking. I even refrained from the 'I told you so' mentality which so many of you seem to have concluded is my MO.

But yeah, I'm pissed she took 50 years to quit a habit whose health problems have been documented for at least half that time, have almost literally cost her her life TWICE and that she's spent (by her own admission) £125k at today's prices. Her kids went without, friends stopped visiting because of the smell in the house.

That doesn't make me some sort of self-righteous bitch who now doesn't have anything to beat her up over or that I've lost my 'superior position' over her.

I nearly lost her twice because of her disgusting unhealthy expensive habit, and now she's right to cut me off for not gushing and heaping praise on her?

Stopping smoking isn't the same thing as not starting to smoke in the first place, just as losing 4 stones isn't the same thing as never putting weight on.
It's much more difficult to break an addiction than to not start it. That's why I always congratulate someone who gives up smoking, or loses weight.
OP, it sounds as if you don't have an addictive personality therefore you don't understand the process of breaking addictions. If that is true, well that's nice for you. It means you're lucky, not better than your friend.

Have you ever had to give up an addiction?
I was a nicotine addict to the extent that if I had no money for fags I'd unpick all the dog ends and make roll ups with them. It as horrible. Giving up was hell, I failed four times and the only time I succeeded was when I unexpectedly fell pregnant with now 13 year old DS1. I wasn't able to do it for my own sake but I was for my child.

Granted part of addiction is choosing to try the substance in the first place but once your addicted breaking it is hell.

I have this with my mother. She had pneumonia three times in two years and a lung cancer scare and finally stopped - actually she switched to ecigs. I said well done, that's great and her lung function has greatly improved.
But

1. I nursed her through the pneumonia each time as she didn't want to go to hospital and
2. She hasn't exactly quite she's just getting nicotine from elsewhere

So while I'm glad I don't heap on the praise despite the constant "haven't I done well" comments. I say yes I'm glad you've stopped but leave it at that. So I do understand. I think most addicts of any sort have narcissistic tendencies and just want to be lavished with praise.

My mum also quit a much more severe drug addiction, after years and years and lots of impact both emotionally and financially on me. She semi regularly says "I've done well haven't I" and "I don't even smoke anymore" and while I get she wants some validation it sticks in my throat when her past behaviour has caused me so much heartache.

Your friend sounds self centred. You can't drop a close friend because they didn't give you the praise you wanted, particularly for something you should have done a long time before.

Jeez, would it have killed you to drag a few words of praise out of your miserable gob? Beating an addiction is fucking hard work and deserves a bit of a congratulations at least.

Most AA meetings involved people receiving praise and applause for the time they've been clean and you know what? It bloody works! It helps people feel positive about what they've achieved and encourages them to keep going.

Well said bishop. It must be nice to be one of those people who can smoke the odd fag when they're drinking but that isn't possible for the majority.
Some people literally do smoke (or drink, eat or drug) themselves to death, even knowing they are killing themselves. That's how powerful addiction can be.

I think what's bugging the 'OMG you're so judgy' posters is the clear message that stopping the poor behaviour (smoking, drinking, whatever) does not magically erase its past impact on everyone else's lives. Anyone hoping for absolution and complete support and devotion from here on out can whistle as far as I'm concerned. You made bad choices - I respect you for trying to change them, but I won't respect you for minimising them and/or trying to get others to big you up and coo over how great you are for escaping a situation of your own making.

I think what's bugging the 'OMG you're so judgy' posters is the clear message that stopping the poor behaviour (smoking, drinking, whatever) does not magically erase its past impact on everyone else's lives.

Does anyone think past behaviour is erased? I doubt it somehow.

It seems very strange to me that any friendship over such a long time would be ended over a single thing (OK, ruling out murder, theiving and so-on which could be one-time-crimes). I think there is more to this than the lack of praise for giving up issue. The problems (faults) may be on your's or you're friend's lap OP, I don't know. How bothered are you to find out?