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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have gushed praise for stopping smoking?

151 replies

StrongerThanIThought76 · 17/08/2017 10:58

Recently discovered that a very good friend blames me for the breakdown of our relationship because I wasn't gushing about her stopping smoking.

She stopped on the day of life-changing cancel surgery that smoking was declared to be the cause of.

3 years previously she had a heart attack that was caused by (declared by the cardiologist after going through her entire history) you guessed it, smoking.

I was there whilst she was having the heart attack, and whilst she was going through investigation, diagnosis, treatment and recovery from the cancer.

I am a non-smoker and with many friends and family have been trying to get her to stop for literally decades.

So, AIBU for not gushing about her quitting?

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 17/08/2017 11:38

Just for reference I can very easily walk by a heroin dealer because I'm not interested or addicted but a person in recovery must find it horrifyingly hard to walk past the same person!

GaryBarlowsTaxReturn · 17/08/2017 11:38

You sound like you despise her OP. Perhaps it's therefore better if you go your separate ways. Friendships should add to our lives, not detract.

Syc4moreTrees · 17/08/2017 11:39

You do sounds a little bit mean and judgemental. My H stopped smoking after ten years of doing it and I couldn't have been prouder. He started when he was too young to understand the implications, and given your Friend had so many medical side effects and still didn't stop I think you could deduce that her addiction was very strong.

Just tell her now that you're proud of her, unless you aren't. Just because it was a stupid thing to start doesn't mean you can't still be glad she stopped.

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/08/2017 11:39

You can be pissed off that someone took so long to stop doing an incredibly stupid thing too, squoosh. It's sometimes hard to feel the appropriate emotion on demand.

JessicaEccles · 17/08/2017 11:40

She sounds very needy.

Er- aren't we all sometimes? And why can't we be 'needy' with our friends when we've been through a serious health concerns?

squoosh · 17/08/2017 11:41

’you've been with her through the dark times supporting her through illness’

Yep the OP is one of those. A person who is more comfortable when a friend is more a lame duck who needs help. And lectures. But now the dynamic has shifted a bit.

user1497435493 · 17/08/2017 11:42

I am with the OP, so I guess I must be a mean and spiteful cow too.

I am royally fucked off with people wanting, expecting, (and getting praise,) for stopping doing something they should not have been doing in the first place.

You quit smoking. Well done, but don't expect a medal for it.

You lost 7 stone. Why did you put it on in the first place? Don't over-eat and use the car for a 5 minute walk anymore, and keep up the healthy lifestyle.

You stopped drinking 15 bottles of wine and 3 bottles of brandy a week and now don't drink alcohol..? Good news, but no, you don't deserve a medal.

You are no longer a crack addict? Well done, but no, you don't deserve a medal. You should never have taken drugs in the first place.

I have never taken drugs or been more than a stone overweight, nor have I ever smoked. Do I get lots of praise and applause and rewards and a medal?

No.

Neither do you for quitting smoking, drugs, or booze, or for losing weight!

There is nothing spiteful or mean spirited about not GUSHING over your mate giving up smoking!

Behave yourselves! Hmm

Papafran · 17/08/2017 11:43

I manage to shop every week and not spend £70 on fags, do I get praise?

I am sorry, but that is dickish. It's the kind of thing Katie Hopkins comes out with 'want a medal for losing weight? You shouldn't have shoved cakes into your fat gob to begin with'. It's incredibly difficult to give up smoking, which is why most people fail to do so.

squoosh · 17/08/2017 11:43

You can be pissed off that someone took so long to stop doing an incredibly stupid thing too, squoosh

Can you? I'd just think 'At last. well done you'.

HoHoHoHo · 17/08/2017 11:43

She probably doesn't want to be friends with you because you look down on her and judge her. The not congratulating her thing is just as an excuse. Perhaps her illness has given her a new perspective and she no longer wants to spend time with people who are not supportive of her.

JetBoyJetGirl · 17/08/2017 11:44

I'm with you, OP.

You've shown support, love and care to her over the years through her many illnesses.

She's finally taken a bit of responsibility for her own life. It's obviously good that she's done so, but I'd also feel a bit Hmm about being expected to be overly congratulatory about it too.

Papafran · 17/08/2017 11:44

user1497435493 basically your whole post sums up what I was referring to. People are utter dicks and have no empathy for anyone else's struggles.

squoosh · 17/08/2017 11:45

I have never taken drugs or been more than a stone overweight, nor have I ever smoked. Do I get lots of praise and applause and rewards and a medal?

Awwwww. And yet here you are boasting to us all. Looking for praise.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 17/08/2017 11:46

My parents smoked for years. They caused themselves no end of health problems. They caused me no end of health problems. Their habit came before our financial stability too, cigarettes were the first expenditure out of the weekly budget.

Was I proud when they quit in later life? No. I was relieved, but also very pissed off that their priorities when we were all younger were so fucking skewed.

pigsDOfly · 17/08/2017 11:46

It's all very well saying I told you to stop smoking, and being prove right, but it is an addiction and stopping is hard.

Many of us do things in life that aren't good for us or create problems.

I very much doubt she's feeling smug about the fact that she, like millions of others, has been addicted to tobacco for many years and has managed to quit. She probably just wanted to feel that you could recognize that she's done something that was really tough for her.

No one needs to gush, just need a bit of empathy.

Babbitywabbit · 17/08/2017 11:47

Lots of projecting going on here!

Gushing is easy to do, quick, painless and often meaningless- just look at all the fb shit, Amazing Hun, so proud of you etc etc

Sticking by a friend and being supportive through a period of serious illness takes a lot more time, effort and commitment than a quick gush.

You're better off without this women op - her measurement of friendship sounds seriously skewed

JetBoyJetGirl · 17/08/2017 11:47

Yep the OP is one of those. A person who is more comfortable when a friend is more a lame duck who needs help. And lectures. But now the dynamic has shifted a bit.

Or someone who demonstrated support by being there through the distressing diagnoses, the painful illnesses, the recovery...

But is now cast aside by someone she supported in this way because she didn't do the public 'congratulations' by posting the obligatory "well done, hun" on facebook for the world to see.

StoatofDisarray · 17/08/2017 11:48

YABU.

Think of something that has been a normal part of your life since your teens, which is easily available, legal, which gives you genuine physical pleasure, which (until recently) a lot of people around you do with no stigma attached, and which causes intense yearning, physical discomfort or pain if you stop doing it. Eating solid food, for example, except it's not physically painful to stop eating solid food. Now imagine switching to a liquid diet forever. Sounds grim, doesn't it? Wouldn't you just love to have a bag of crisps or a nice apple occasionally?

It took me over 10 years to give up smoking completely. I tried to give up a dozen times. It's very difficult. Cut her some slack, and encourage her. People who give up smoking find it less painful, and have lower levels of regression, if they have the support of friends and family.

BlurryFace · 17/08/2017 11:48

Yes, user, you are incredibly mean spirited. There but for the grace of God goes you, eh?

user1497435493 · 17/08/2017 11:48

Get over yerself @squoosh!

I'm not looking for praise FFS. Trust SOMEone to see something that isn't there.

Good old mumsnetters PMSL! Grin Making shit up to suit.

Basically, all this 'aren't I a fucking star for losing 4 stone or giving up ciggies?' bollocks, is the same as naughty little shits in school causing problems for all the rest of the kids (and teachers) getting a fucking reward for being good for a day.

Bollocks.

squoosh · 17/08/2017 11:49

Or someone who demonstrated support by being there through the distressing diagnoses, the painful illnesses, the recovery...

Yeah. Some people really feed off other's misfortune. And then are peeved when the misfortune stops.

squoosh · 17/08/2017 11:49

It's okay user. It's good you can admit you're needy for a bit of praise.

What lovely shoes you're wearing today.

Pengggwn · 17/08/2017 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EssentialHummus · 17/08/2017 11:51

I'm with the OP on the inside, but I think in the circs I'd have found it in me to gush (a bit) - "Well done, I know it can be difficult" etc.

alltouchedout · 17/08/2017 11:52

You sound unkind here, to be honest. Stopping smoking is hard. Have you worked with addicts? It's a bit of a cliche I know, but people who have managed to become abstinent from heroin and crack will tell you that they still cannot quit smoking. Nicotine addiction is crazily difficult to overcome. Anyone who manages it should be praised.