To not have gushed praise for stopping smoking?

[StrongerThanIThought76]

Recently discovered that a very good friend blames me for the breakdown of our relationship because I wasn't gushing about her stopping smoking.

She stopped on the day of life-changing cancel surgery that smoking was declared to be the cause of.

3 years previously she had a heart attack that was caused by (declared by the cardiologist after going through her entire history) you guessed it, smoking.

I was there whilst she was having the heart attack, and whilst she was going through investigation, diagnosis, treatment and recovery from the cancer.

I am a non-smoker and with many friends and family have been trying to get her to stop for literally decades.

So, AIBU for not gushing about her quitting?

You don't sound like a very nice person tbh so your friend is probably better off without you

I've never smoked but I understand that giving up smoking is fucking hard no matter what the motivation you have.

It's really mean that you can't be happy for your friend.

I think there must be more to it tbh. She wouldn't cut off a good friend for such a trivial reason, if you said well done once and genuinely meant it then that was sufficient. And yy she did deserve a well done m, stopping smoking is bloody hard.

You just sound really pissed off that you've now got nothing to nag her about to be honest. You nagged her for years to give up the fags but now she has, all you want to do is belittle her effort. I think you're just annoyed because she gave up under her own steam because of her health crisis and not because you told her to.

And yes, agree with what squoosh said about some people feeding off others misfortune and illness.

To me, you just sound bitter because she doesn't need you and annoyed that she's had some attention. I suspect there is WAY more to your behaviour than 'not gushing about her giving up smoking'.

squoosh I have met a lot of people who get very cross if you refer to their past choices, however obliquely (and yes I do try not to as it's tactless and rude). It does feel very like they resent being reminded that that stuff happened and would much rather everyone pretended it hadn't.

Can you imagine how addictive smoking is that even when you know its killing you, you keep doing it?

Well to be honest Contessa I think it rather depends on your relationship to the person in question. Someone who had a miserable childhood growing up with an alcoholic parent obviously has every right to refer to it until the end of the time. No matter how sober the parent currently is.

A friend or neighbour though? Not really the same thing at all.

Sounds to me like you gave and gave and gave and it was still not enough. I don't blame you for coming to the end.

You do sound self-righteous. Of course you don't feel tempted to buy fags, because you were never addicted! She's worked so hard to give it up after being ill with lung cancer. So yes, she's understandably aggrieved that you're not acknowledging the effort she's put in!

I've never smoked, but I did develop a drinking problem last year because of the difficulty of dealing with traumatic memories of childhood abuse. Before developing this habit I had no difficulty going past the booze on sale at the supermarket, now it's a battle. I've worked so hard turning my life around. My DH and my DSis have been so encouraging and admired my strength at getting through this.

Your friend has been through a horrible ordeal. You've nagged her to give up, now she has. She's looking forward to the rest of her life, and she wants you to share the triumph with her.

Or are you upset that there's nothing to nag her about?

My goodness, there's a lack of kindness on this thread, isn't there?

People do daft shit all the time. People get addicted to harmful things all the time for all sorts of reasons - and I'd include extreme sports in that too. If you'd be supportive of someone recovering from a spinal injury caused by, I dunno, skiing, you should be supportive of someone recovering from a nicotine addiction or eating disorder. In fact, replace 'addiction' with 'mental health problem' and see how you feel.

Humans have weaknesses. How lacking in empathy do you have to be to offhandedly dismiss someone's struggles, like some PP on here? Fuck that Hatey Katie attitude.

I have met a lot of people who get very cross if you refer to their past choices, however obliquely (and yes I do try not to as it's tactless and rude). It does feel very like they resent being reminded that that stuff happened

No, what they resent is a smug, superior Mr/Ms Perfect - as you described it yourself - being tactless and rude. They're not annoyed because they can't accept that they made poor choices, they're annoyed because people who mention them are being unnecessarily (and usually deliberately) unpleasant and unhelpful and trying to make the other people feel bad about themselves.

For example, think of the posters on here who react to a heartfelt post from a terrified woman trying to pluck up the courage to leave their violent husband and wanting advice on how to explain things to the kids with: "Why did you have children with this man?" Yes, that might have been a poor choice on that woman's part, but is it fucking helping to make her feel worse than she already does? No, so don't mention it and encourage her to do what she needs to do to make a positive change.

Same applies to people giving up smoking or booze or losing weight. Just be nice. No, they shouldn't have got into that situation in the first place but who is anyone helping by reminding them of that when you know full well it make them feel shit about themselves?

She told me (recently) that it was so hard to go past the tobacco desk at the supermarket and not buy any. I manage to shop every week and not spend £70 on fags, do I get praise?

You clearly don't understand what addiction is.

She didn't want you to gush, she wanted support.

People can be a bit Puritan on MN about self inflicted damage.

How far do you take this thing of not praising someone for ending behaviour that’s been detrimental to their wellbeing though? A friend who extricates themselves from a long term abusive relationship with someone you could see was dodgy from the start, they certainly deserves cheers and support in my opinion.

How did you find out she was annoyed op? Did she tell you or did someone else? I drifted from a friend but the reason I gave isn't the actual one.

x post with Polly

You're angry with her, and you've never let yourself be angry with her. You almost lost her as a friend, and it was her own behaviour that caused it, and now you're feeling it. You had best acknowledge this somehow, or you're going to blow up at her one day when you least want to.

She is your FRIEND. Would it be so bloody hard to say 'well done'?! Don't let your anger at her make you lose sight of the fact that this has been and is HARD for her.

If you are friends with someone and you care about them, surely you are pleased if they decide to stop doing something that was causing them serious harm?

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to express that to them by telling them. You don't sound like you've ever liked this woman at all and saw her as someone you just enjoyed feeling superior to and shaking your head over.

I'm afraid I can't begin to get into the mindset of someone who can't bring themselves to be absolutely delighted about someone they supposedly care about making a positive change for themselves.

Oh God yes to the puritanical perfect people on MN. If I ever leave mn it will be down to those fuckers.

Is it so very hard to say 'well done, keep going you are doing well' to someone who has given up an addiction. I imagine if you smoke, then the stress of a cancer diagnosis and other illness would make you feel even more like a cigarette. So she did even better under difficult circumstances.

Is it not kinder and more helpful to encourage people who are doing something difficult that will improve their health? No idea why people feel the need to go all holier than thou and judgemental. I'm pretty sure your friend is aware that it would have been better not to have started smoking in the first place, and very probably regrets doing so now it is impacting her health, she doesn't really need anyone pointing that out to her. What she needs is a bit of postitive reinforcement for doing a difficult thing.

I think I might distance myself from someone who was being really judgemental (and I suspect that is the problem here, not so much the absence of praise, but the presence of holier than thou judginess)

If you've been trying to get her to stop for decades, why were you not encouraging when she did stop ? She's followed your advice surely ?

I can imagine you muttering '....and it serves you bloody well right' under your breath OP
Would it really have hurt you to have said 'Well done!'?
I'm an ex-smoker, I know just how hard it is to quit.

It's very easy to judge, but we all do foolish things, perhaps because we got sucked in when young, or as a crutch to cope with hard times. You can judge people who have issues with things that you don't struggle with.

But some things have more consequences than others. Addiction is something that creeps up on you, and by the time you realise you're addicted it's so hard to stop. If you haven't been through it you can't understand it.

But the thing is here, do you want to hold on to your friendship? If you do, then just try and understand where she's coming from. Why is that so hard?

I hate cigarettes and how they have been the cause of people I love dying from smoking related diseases.

That said, your friend is the one who is suffering, and has to live every day with the consequences of her choice.

Cut her some slack - there is no point feeling hard done-by, she's probably picked up on your disapproval and can be doing with it.

What can you do? Probably. It much if her mind is made up.

Alternatively you could try making your peace with her, so she knows you have cared but things just haven't worked out. Maybe she will change her POV but nothing ventured nothing gained.

She has said well done.

What she hasn't done is continue to cheerlead to inflate the ego of the friend.

I think OP is better off without the old friend. Sometimes you can only give so much, and the friend is still grasping for more.

Can't be doing with it

Probably not much

Maybe I need to use Preview better

You're angry with her, and you've never let yourself be angry with her. You almost lost her as a friend, and it was her own behaviour that caused it, and now you're feeling it. You had best acknowledge this somehow, or you're going to blow up at her one day when you least want to.

This is 100% right IMO. You feel how you feel, op; now to deal with it on your own time.

I gave up smoking 40 a day, no one said well done, in fact I don't think anyone was bothered enough to say anything, am I bothered no I'm not why would I be its nobody else's business