To not have gushed praise for stopping smoking?

[StrongerThanIThought76]

Recently discovered that a very good friend blames me for the breakdown of our relationship because I wasn't gushing about her stopping smoking.

She stopped on the day of life-changing cancel surgery that smoking was declared to be the cause of.

3 years previously she had a heart attack that was caused by (declared by the cardiologist after going through her entire history) you guessed it, smoking.

I was there whilst she was having the heart attack, and whilst she was going through investigation, diagnosis, treatment and recovery from the cancer.

I am a non-smoker and with many friends and family have been trying to get her to stop for literally decades.

So, AIBU for not gushing about her quitting?

As you said you did praise her, you did your job as a friend then. If she wanted continual pats on the back that's just odd shame she is happy to throw your friendship away over it. So petty maybe you are better off without.

I think gushing needs a definition.

OP may well have said 'I know this must be difficult for you' or 'well done', but her friend wanted the whole speech - 'Oh gosh you're wonderful. I think you've been so brave at quitting, I really do. Giving up something that's been such a big part of your life, I'm in awe of your willpower. Oh hun it must have been sooo difficult. What an amazing and inspirational person you are, I wish I was as brave as you.'

So taking it that the OP didn't say anything nice is stretching it without more information. And being there for a friend through very tough times is worth more than a few gushing words. I'm not sure where people are getting it from the OP only wants to do anything for her friend when she's in trouble and needs her, therefore allowing her (the OP) to feel morally superior.

How many of us less sympathetic people said we're perfect? I personally have anger issues, weight issues, laziness issues.... the list goes on. If I demanded ongoing praise and support for not punching people in the face, not gorging myself on biscuits and actually doing my work, no-one else would have time to get anything done

incy ouch! A bit harsh. She may be finding the whole thing difficult to deal with and has made a bad decision. To err is human to forgive divine, in this situation.

It doesn't sound like the friend has been completely vile to the OP.

The OP has said that she did say "well done".

What she didn't do, I'm guessing, is that constant, "You're so amazing, it's wonderful" constant recognition that some people do want.

My exh is a bit like this. He has type 2 diabetes. He is obese. He has other health conditions linked to his weight. He yoyo diets so is in a constant cycle of weight loss and regain. He doesn't medicate properly because it's boring and then complains about the physical symptoms of the condition. We are all (me included) expected to congratulate him on each dramatic weight loss but not notice the gains.

Some people who have 'addictive' personalities are addicted to the gratification/'high' wherever it is found. So a high from the adulation of others is as powerful as the high found from the sugar rush or the nicotine.

That's what some people aren't willing to indulge.

I gave up smoking seven years ago, I didn't tell anyone other than DH because some friends made such a big deal when I tried to give up before, it made me even more desperate to smoke just to shut them up. Their disappointment was brief and much easier to deal with then what felt like incredibly patronising "you go girl!" stuff. People can need everything from full cheerleading squad to grim go-it-aloneness to beat addictions (I'm wondering if is this an introvert/extrovert thing).

She feels the way she feels, from what you've said I totally understand how you feel. Is it all a bit too raw? Can you let the friendship go for the time being; you might both be better able to understand each other with some distance.

On the addiction thing, I hadn't thought about smoking for years, then I went to the pub and sat outside with someone who was smoking; the sudden wave of right-down-to-my-toes longing took me totally off guard.

Harsh or pragmatic daisychain?

The kind of person who's going to have a wobbler because you refuse to continually feed their need for validation is so draining as to be a bad choice of friend.

We're only capable of giving so many fucks. The OP has given multiple fucks to this friend, she's entitled to hoard some when there's no need to give them out.

I think gushing needs a definition

Yes, me too. If you have in fact said well done (and sounded like you meant it), but she keeps on and on about how you haven't said it enough, then I get that that is tedious and makes you question how impressed you actually are. If you have just muttered, "Yes, well done" and clearly don't mean it, then I find it a bit strange that you supported her through all these horrible consequences of her smoking, but aren't the least bit pleased that she has finally managed to quit.

Your posts read like it's the latter, with all this 'nobody praises me for never smoking' stuff, but I could be wrong.

What she hasn't done is continue to cheerlead to inflate the ego of the friend.

I doubt the friend has an over inflated ego. Probably just the opposite, cancer (and life threatening illness in general) massively dents your self confidence, it absolutely rips the rug from under your feet. And yeah maybe she does need a bit or praise for giving up smoking, how is that a hard thing to do? Maybe read up a bit on how people feel when they get cancer, and how they feel after the treatment is finished (it can often be worse and more frightened then when that when the treatment is taking place).

She probably feels she has lost control of her life and stopping smoking has helped her regain a little bit of that control and made her feel she can help herself even though deep down she is probably scared stiff that the cancer will come back.

Well there does seem to be a trend for going over the top about everything these days, maybe she's had lots of You're An Inspiration Hun from other friends and has lost perspective. I still think there is more to it though.

A knighthood would probably have been a tad ott. However, A little well done. Wouldn't have hurt you, would it

It's hard to gush too much because then it's a total cringe when she starts smoking again.

My mum does this on a loop. Quits, makes a huge deal of it, demands attention and praise (do I look better? Do I? Do I? Etc) which we're all delighted to give.

But then we're expected to Not Say A Word when we next smell the inevitable fag smoke in a week or a month.

It's awkward pretending to believe it each and every time.

Well I agree that a little praise and support is good to give to a friend. If she's looking for constant positive stroking about her giving up smoking then she may be asking too much. It's a tough one.

I'd be inclined to err on the side of too much praise rather than too little. After all, I presume you're glad your friend has finally given up smoking? But if you aren't a gushy person normally I can see how you might find it a bit over the top.

If you are friends with someone and you care about them, surely you are pleased if they decide to stop doing something that was causing them serious harm?
^this, but it does depend on what you did say. Was it that you didn't express even a hint of congratulation/enthusiasm or did you say something congratulatory and just not go on and on gushing about it for ages? Only you know the answer to that one.

Sometimes you just have to give people what they want for an easy life, I have one friend I call more than others because that's what she needs/expects from her friends. If you want to make up, you should speak to her about it.

Lots of defensive smokers/ex-smokers on here. The OP said that she said well done etc, and avoided the I told you so pitfall.

What more does stopping smoking warrant beyond well done? What would any of you want extra to that?

You sound horrible. I'm not overweight but I still praise those who are trying to lose weight. I'm happy for their successes and I can use empathy to imagine how hard it must be.

What would you prefer me to say, 'well you shouldn't have eaten so much anyway in the first place you fat cow, I never did'? Surely it doesn't take much to be supportive and show a little kindness.

Most diseases and injuries are self inflicted in some way, so you don't get the moral high ground there. Should I tell the lady at work who broke her leg horse riding that I have no sympathy because it was her choice to get on the horse? My friend with PND that, sorry, no sympathy from me because she chose to have a child? That way of thinking is such a slippery slope.

I hate smoking, think it's disgusting, have never done it. But I know it's addictive and most people with addictions don't manage to beat them. Hell, most people don't manage to lose weight and keep it off for five years. If someone managed to quit smoking I'd probably never stop telling them how great it is.

I am an ex smoker and I dont see why the OP is getting such a hard time.

I didnt deserve praise for quitting any more than my dad did who smoked for 40+ years and only quit on a diagnosis of COPD. We both view it that we were fucking idiots to not have quit sooner.

I forgive myself for starting smoking, I was young and indestructible I would not get addicted...... What I dont forgive myself for is having the exact same attitude when I quit for 3 years and then started again, I was a fucking idiot for doing that.

That she quit is great, and her reward for that is hopefully much improved health but it seems that she wants the constant pay off of praise. I know what its like when you are quitting, all you can think of is cigarettes, it takes over your life for a long time and so she probably, mistakenly, believes that everyone else thinks about it as much as she does. She needs to appreciate all of the things that the OP has done for her instead of focussing on the one thing that she didnt do, or at least not to the friends satisfaction.

Personal attacks aren't welcomed here.

Totally with you OP.

What does she want, a sodding medal for finally not being a twat? After she's aided herself (and others, potentially) huge health problems, cost the NHS huge sums and almost certainly cut her life expectancy? And then she throws a hissy fit because you didn't explicitly say well done for no longer killing yourself, despite you being there for her for years in a tangible way?

She sounds seriously ungrateful for your support and incredibly needy for praise.

Good post Pencil

Another controversial thread where the op mysteriously vanishes