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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an invite for DD?

182 replies

Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 13:07

My DD7 has a best friend at school who lives relatively close by. I have had best friend over for tea several times and over to play,she's a lovely little girl and enjoys coming here.
Anyway.. on more than several occasions they will both run up to me (at the school run) and say they want to play today but it's ALWAYS at our house!
They will run up to the other mum (best friends mum) and ask and she says oh we will have to arrange for DD to come over but has NEVER followed through. I seen her at the shops the other day and she said "
my DD really misses your DD will have to get them together soon" I said yes absolutely I then receive a text saying what date And what time shall I drop DD to you ? Hmm I haven't replied as I really think it's rude not to return the invite! AIBU? Me and other mum get on absolutely fine always friendly etc. Can I also mention that my DD WAS NOT invited to her party a few weeks ago Confused my DD is very well mannered so I'm so confused as to why she's being treated this way.

OP posts:
Atenco · 16/08/2017 14:20

I really think you are confusing your issues with your dd. This is about her friendship, not about you and the other girl's mum.

The girls just want to see each other and I'm sure they couldn't give a damn if it is always in the same house. Some sixty odd years ago when I was a child, we didn't have to involved our parents in our own friendships and it was the same with my own daughter. Nowadays a lot of people have to facilitate their children's friendships with playdates, but I don't think it is right for the adult's feelings to be so involved in all this.

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:25

JUST THIS MINUTE RECEIVED TEXT!
she said she was busy until Friday and that upstairs hot water tap was broke! Wtf??? I just replied " oki doki, hope you get tap sorted lol!..I give up. That's my last attempt

OP posts:
MamTDM · 16/08/2017 14:26

I get fed up of it as well. So far this holiday we have taken one friend out to an all-day event, then for pizza afterwards, taken another friend to the cinema and then back here to play and have tea, taken a third friend to a trampoline park and then back here for the entire afternoon and for tea, and not had a single invite back, despite all the other parents saying they'd 'Sort something out next week'. DS is an only child so I worry a lot about him being lonely over the holidays, but I have a chronic illness that affects me daily and prevents me from driving. I find it very difficult to get out and about and host other kids: the other mums all know about this but it still all seems to be one-way traffic with them :/ DS is about to start Y5 and has been to his best friend's house once since Reception - I've lost count of the number of times this lad has been here or come out for the day with us, but his mum simply never reciprocates for DS or any of his other friends. I wouldn't have the brass neck to be like that.

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:27

I have to facilitate lol my DD is 7! What a silly comment iv never socialised with her mother either? Not sure what you mean sorry

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 16/08/2017 14:28

Wtf. The tap is broke Grin
Sounds like she's a chancer. Leave her to it now OP.

NancyDonahue · 16/08/2017 14:28

I think it's bloody rude that your dd didn't get invited to the party. You've had her round to play numerous times, they are good friends and it doesn't sound like it was a restricted numbers type party - one more six year old wouldn't have made much difference.

However, your dd obviously likes her friend. If your dd doesn't get to go to her friends house, how about suggesting meeting at the park, softplay etc? Don't just keep having her around without any chance of your hospitality ever being returned.

AsleepAtMyDesk · 16/08/2017 14:28

You could reply: Friday sounds good - what time?

LoyaltyAndLobster · 16/08/2017 14:30

A hot water tap upstairs has nothing to do with your DD going over there to play, surely she doesn't think that DD would be having a bath there, OP she could have came up with a much better excuse..

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:30

Hi Nancy I take friend with us to the park have done this number of times I don't mind tho. I won't be inviting DD friend over again tho unfortunately.i will of course invite her again after my DD has had an invite.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:31

The hot tap thing I found incredibly strange and laughed to myself I was expecting an exscuse but that was random !!
Oh well

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:32

I would respect her so much more if she just said sorry but I'm not ever going to invite your DD to mine Grin lol

OP posts:
CheerfulMuddler · 16/08/2017 14:36

YANBU to want an invite back but YABU to assume the worst based on very limited information (and other posters are more unreasonable to do so based on even more limited information.)

I mean, take the party. There are three options, aren't there?

  1. DD's friend didn't want to invite DD. Why? Who knows? They'd had an argument the day before. She wanted to invite Chloe and Jessica and Chloe and Jessica think your DD is a smelly poo-head. Your DD thinks they're best friends, but DD's friend doesn't. Whatever.
  2. DD's friend wanted to invite DD but her mum or dad didn't. I can't really think of a reasonable reason why this would have happened, though I suppose it's possible - DD's friend's dad really struggles with people he doesn't know well for some reason, so everyone there was a family friend's child or something.
  3. They did want DD there, but when you put a small child in charge of the invites there are inevitably cock-ups - the invitation got lost at the bottom of one or another child's bag or left under a table, DD's friend assumed her best friend would be there without an invite as a PP said, DD's friend invited DD and DD said, "I can't go on a Saturday because we have swimming on Saturday" or some other inane kid logic and this got passed garbled back to parents as actual truth. I mean, who knows? Kids are weird.

It seems like you think it's probably 2, but YABU to assume it is without more information. YANBU to be sad about the whole thing though, as I think anyone would be in your shoes.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2017 14:36

She is taking the piss, very rude, especially she wasen't invited to her supposedly best friends party Hmm. They get on so well, dd misses your dd so much, yet no invite for her party. I would take a step back and start distancing. Text her, and ask her when dd can come to her house? If it does not suit you, say no! If they just turn up on your doorstep, send them back. This would really get my back up. She is using you to entertain her child during the holidays.

monkeywithacowface · 16/08/2017 14:37

Well that's that then. Remain pleasant but no more invites to play. If she hints at one just do as she does and say "Busy at the minute but will have to arrange something".

No point calling her out on it as it will just make things awkward for the kids, no reason for them not to be friends just because the mum's a flake.

CheerfulMuddler · 16/08/2017 14:39

Cross-post. I agree with PP - I'd reply 'Friday works for us, what time?' She hasn't said DD can't come, she's offered you a day they're free and warned you that there might not be hot water if that's a problem for you.

Brighteyes27 · 16/08/2017 14:39

She's a user OP and for whatever reason I think she is happy to farm her DD out to you for some 'me time' for her or a break for her but otherwise she doesn't feel inclined to facilitate and foster a friendship between her DD and your DD for whatever reason known only to her.
My DD had a friend like this for a short time her DD was an only one mum single parent her DD already spent more time with her grandparents than her mum. She was happy for her DD to go to anyone's for a play date. But the only return date was with her DD grandfather which consisted of taking them to soft play while he read the paper.

WooWooSister · 16/08/2017 14:40

I'm not sure you would respect her more if she said she wasn't ever going to invite your DD round. Surely you would question why and then it leads to a discussion and possible argument. I think the last thing it would lead to is mutual respect.
As a PP said, the mum obviously isn't going to invite your DD round. It's now your call whether that means you encourage your DD to drop the friendship or decide to ignore the mother and have the girl over to play because your DD likes her.

demirose87 · 16/08/2017 14:41

I can see why you're annoyed over this but there could be any number of reasons why she hasn't returned the favour. My son used to go for tea a lot at a friends, their mum had a big house and no other kids whereas I had a small flat and three kids and pregnant with number four so it wasn't always ideal to have his friends round. I don't drive either so can't take them home. But having said that I did have them round now and again but it was nowhere near as often as he went to theirs.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2017 14:43

She is a user, and just using you as childcare. She is rude, not that she cannot have people at her house, but she shows an incredible lack of manners, and is quite entitled. I would treat her, how she treats you, and encourage other friendships for your dd. Tap broken, what an excuse. Your ok when she needs you, but when shes ok, off you go. The way you handle this will show your dd how to be confident and assertive, don't be a doormat.

She may not know about the party now, but one day, she will not be invited to another party of her 'best friend' and will find out for herself, and the scales fall from her eyes.

HebeJeeby · 16/08/2017 14:43

Oh well, you have your answer, she's not going to have your daughter over ever. I think you're right to give up now.

I'm another with an only DC who always seems to be hosting play dates, I have a couple of friends who always reciprocate, but I'm the same now except with me it's 2 strikes and you're out. One mum I would help out on the odd occasion when she was working as I felt sorry for her. She rarely reciprocated and I naivelyassumed it was because of work until I found out she invited other kids over regularly. I do get that her dd might prefer to play with others but I think it's rude never to have my dd round, so now I don't ask her dd over.

AsleepAtMyDesk · 16/08/2017 14:44

I would read that text as

  1. her suggesting Friday (2) the tap thing as another attempt to get you to offer to have her DD rather than your DD going there.
Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:44

Woowoosister this was a sarcastic comment sorry to confuse you

OP posts:
monkeywithacowface · 16/08/2017 14:48

I wouldn't respond anymore if you try to pin her down to friday then it inevitable that come the morning there will be a reason why she needs to drop her dd to you instead.

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:48

Completely get that they both may prefer other friends etc I have others around too but mostly best friend as obviously they are best friends lol! I think as I'm not part of the playground circle I'm not important therefore it's ok to do this to me as I'm not a friend. Not too bothered now really.will encourage the friendship but won't be having over for tea or trips out

OP posts:
Mummybear0812 · 16/08/2017 14:49

I think she prob just a laZy ignorant person that can't be bothered with having your wee girl round and would rather have you to have her wee girl so she can have a break... my wee girl has had a friend from Are estate sleep over at Are house twice now and I am still waiting for my wee girl to have an invite to sleep at her house the mum kept telling my wee girl next weekend this went on for about 2 months until I told my wee girl not to listen to the mum cause it's not going to happen.... I've the wee girl at my house feed her give her treats if we have take way she will have it with us my wee girl gets notting at her house.... I don't want say no just cause her mum ent a nice person.... I pass myself with the mum no point being friends with someone like that...