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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an invite for DD?

182 replies

Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 13:07

My DD7 has a best friend at school who lives relatively close by. I have had best friend over for tea several times and over to play,she's a lovely little girl and enjoys coming here.
Anyway.. on more than several occasions they will both run up to me (at the school run) and say they want to play today but it's ALWAYS at our house!
They will run up to the other mum (best friends mum) and ask and she says oh we will have to arrange for DD to come over but has NEVER followed through. I seen her at the shops the other day and she said "
my DD really misses your DD will have to get them together soon" I said yes absolutely I then receive a text saying what date And what time shall I drop DD to you ? Hmm I haven't replied as I really think it's rude not to return the invite! AIBU? Me and other mum get on absolutely fine always friendly etc. Can I also mention that my DD WAS NOT invited to her party a few weeks ago Confused my DD is very well mannered so I'm so confused as to why she's being treated this way.

OP posts:
AsleepAtMyDesk · 16/08/2017 13:48

Ooops - cross post.

PandorasXbox · 16/08/2017 13:50

Good call OP. Interested to see what she says now!

BhajiAllTheWay · 16/08/2017 13:50

OP the party at hers is a one off. You providing free childcare is a regular thing though by the sound of it.Definately suggest a meet up at hers before inviting to yours again. Ive had a few of these and had to ditch them as like you it was always us hosting, collecting or dropping off...Confused

GreenTulips · 16/08/2017 13:50

My DD just assumed her BF would be at her party and didn't need an invite!! It happens! Child logic.

I'd have the girl over because the kids want to play and I don't worry about rerun invites unless they are cheeky about it

The morenkids you have the less this actually bothers you - no extra mess etc

Go with it - it's what your daughter wants

Miserylovescompany2 · 16/08/2017 13:50

I'd just text back - "what time should I drop dd off, I'll pack her swimwear just incase"

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 13:51

I know it's hard because I love seeing my DD playing happily. Maybe I should just put up with it. But I did just text about her going over to play if she replies that she will arrange something then I think I know then that theres clearly an issue ( what the hell that is I have no idea) but like most have said it's not worth thinking about.

OP posts:
LoyaltyAndLobster · 16/08/2017 13:51

It might be a problem at home but worth testing it by asking, as the other posters have said

A problem at home doesn't justify why OP DD wasn't invited to the party, it is strange how they're best friends but she gets left out and other girls from school get invited, it is very unfair.

If I were in your position, the only communication both girls would be getting would be in school, I wouldn't be able to tolerate a mother like DDs friend.

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 13:54

Loyalty.. this is what I don't really understand. Believe me I don't think to much about these trivial things but I'm starting to feel bad for DD.
Maybe a school only friendship is a good idea. Thanks

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 16/08/2017 13:55

Brilliant reply.. My DS has a friend who rarely gets invited but both parents work and grandparents do a lot of childcare.. So I know I can do it they can't..

However he does get invited to his friends birthday party.

Dancergirl · 16/08/2017 13:55

ugly the problem with that is, the children lose out.

Lot of pettiness on this thread. I don't see hosting play dates as providing free childcare, I see it as my child having a nice time with their friend. Things don't always have to be tit for tat.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/08/2017 13:55

Maybe her DD doesnt see your daughter as being so close of a friend as your DD does. Presumably it was the little girl who chose who came to her party not her mum. She might genuinely not like kids round their house but birthday was a one off type thing and her dd chose other friends whose house she doesnt go to much as a change.

The only things you can do is go on as is always hosting for the sake of DDs friendship with this girl, or outright ask her why DD was excluded from party and why return play dates never end up taking place.

gabsdot · 16/08/2017 13:59

I have a friend who just hates having kids in her house. She hosts her kids B'day parties and thats it. No other playdates. Her kids always go to other peoples homes and it's never reciprocated. She actually doesn't like visitors of any kind.
My DD is always asking is she can go there and play and she never gets invited.

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:00

The party was a garden party not a birthday party. Iv never seen it as childcare I seen it as a play date but after several times days out and not so much as a thanks or a invite I think it's incredibly rude! My DD and her DD will run up to her mother and asked as kids do "can dd come round and play " her response is always " will arrange soon"
Mine is always " yea come on then" so no I don't think I have the problem. But it's unclear why she does ?

OP posts:
MondayTuesdayWednesday · 16/08/2017 14:01

It can't be that there is a problem at home if the child's party was held at the home and other children were invited.

LillyDaisyRose if you are embarrassed of your house because it is not very clean and untidy then why don't you just clean and tidy it?

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 16/08/2017 14:01

I'd just confront her about it. Look is there an issue with dd coming to yours? It's just that I have noticed you always say you will arrange something then don't and X then comes here. I noticed she also had a party at home and dd wasn't invited to that either.

GreenTulips · 16/08/2017 14:03

She maybe part of the clique of parents - you know the ones who only invite friends kids round and you're not part of that??

I've seen that a fair few times - they forget kids can make new friends

It is rude!! Have you seen this?

livefornaps · 16/08/2017 14:05

Ouuuhhh, has she replied yet???

mindutopia · 16/08/2017 14:07

Do you think maybe it's because she's not very social and maybe only feels comfortable with people she knows? I know in my case, my daughter and friends often ask when they came come for a visit and frankly I cringe at the idea of socialises with random other parents who we don't know. We have a circle of friends who have children her age she is friends with and I feel comfortable having them over, which might explain why the girls from their class were invited over but not your dd. But honestly, I work long hours during the week and am exhausted by the weekend and the idea of cleaning and then entertaining other parents we don't know (assuming you may want to stay around, she may be unsure if you do) makes me want to craw in a hole. I'm a social person and we enjoy having friends' over, but it's exhausting to feel like you have to entertain someone you don't really know. I tend to be the person who says, oh, we'll have to plan something and then never do. They only time it usually happens with someone new is when they invited us and give us a day and time to show up. That might seem rude. But it might just be about all she can manage and maybe she's not wanting to interfere with a friendship her daughter has just because she doesn't really want to make the effort. It's still unfair to you though and I can see how you would feel hurt and upset about it for your dd.

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:13

Omg green tulips! That actually slipped my mind! Yes shes part a circle of playground mums. I'm not. I did try a few times but I got brushed up so gave up.but I'm very polite and friendly and il generally talk to anyone.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 16/08/2017 14:13

When DS1 was little he had a best friend he and David were joined at the hip, however many times I invited David to play after school at ours Mum seemed reluctant but after much grumbling by her son gave in. Boys had a great time, but Ds1 was never invited back.
I fathomed out why it was, mainly from listening to Ds1 and friend talking and by observation.
Davids Mother had some close "Mum" friends with Dc's at the school, one she had known for years even before they had Dc's, their two sons were pushed together at every opportunity as their Mothers were great friends, however the boys were not natural playmates. However the Mums who were all close really pushed the Dc's to be friends, and seemingly didn't like their Dc's playing/or going on playdates with those whose parents were not part of the preferred circle.
A similar scenario could be at work here.

Original poster
Rainraingoawayagain · 16/08/2017 14:14

Mindutopia. But I'm not asking to socialise with her. My DD just wants to go over like her friend does regularly

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 16/08/2017 14:14

I was going to say the same as GreenTulips - were the girls invited to their house children of the mothers friends?

It may have been more about the parents having a social get together with their DCs, than purposely setting out to invite DCs to a specific children's party.

I'm not overly keen on having children to our house to play TBH, but I still do it. Either that or I invite the friend out with us somewhere & offer to pick them up and drop them home.

You still have to be conscious not to take the piss.

Brighteyes27 · 16/08/2017 14:15

She sounds like a total user OP. It depends whether you want to rise above this and still have her DD round at yours knowing full well the play date is highly unlikely to be reciprocated. Or whether you feel sick of being used?
I answered the door once when it was torrential rain outside to a wet school pal of DS's asking if he could play with my DS. They were then in about year 1 or 2. I said it was too wet for DS to go out but he could come in if he wanted (as I felt sorry for him as his hair was wet and he had no jacket. Then as I let him in he waved to someone. I hadn't noticed his dippy mum in her big car parked on the edge of our drive. I knew her quite well and we get on fine but she can be a bit dippy (when it suits). She totally ignored me and shouted to her DS 'how long did SHE say you could stay for?' He said 'I dunno' and she shouts back to him 'ask then oh it's ok I'll just pick you up later on!' Still totally ignoring me. I was gobsmacked at her cheek but he's a nice boy, never any bother so I didn't get upset. But I wouldn't dream of doing that and no text or anything later to clarify whether or not we were going out (which we weren't as it was a very cold wet day) or to say thanks.
Another friend of DS's mum will text about getting the boys together when she wants him out of the house if her favoured DD is having friends over. They have a massive house but again she is another user and it was nearly always at ours.

EezerGoode · 16/08/2017 14:15

I'm afraid I'm the same as ugly flowers...sick to death of always having people here,feeding kids and adults,clearing up their mess,and they never return favour...I do it once ,no return play,I don't invite again...

PinguForPresident · 16/08/2017 14:18

If she replies "will arrange", how about you come back with "we could do Thursday or next Weds, how does 2pm suit?" and see what she says?

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