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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I don't want her near my son?!

273 replies

Libbywx · 16/08/2017 09:00

SO a few weeks ago we had a christening for my son. Long and short of the family drama is I really dislike my fiancee brothers girlfriend. Main reason is she once put pictures on fb of her with my son sat on the sofa with her staffy cross alsatian (cross they say "American bull dog" that screams pit bull to me but I'm no dog breeder.)

Anyway at the christening she didn't speak to me because she knows better. What she did was pester my partners mum to let her feed my son a cupcake (a cupcake??? He's 7mo.) To which my partners mum eventually said "ask his mum" she did... I said no and she did it anyway.

So now I really dislike her. Blood boiling kind of dislike. When we go away for the night in September my son is staying with the in-laws.... SO do I say I don't want her coming round and being around him? Or is that really crappy of me?

OP posts:
ButtHoleinOne · 16/08/2017 13:39

If you had massively upset someone by leaving their baby with a dog youd just got wouldn't you know to stay away and give them time to cool down?

I hate AIBU people are so desperate to be dicks they'll read all sorts in to the OP

ButtHoleinOne · 16/08/2017 13:40

Everyone matures at different times.

In the real world 18 year olds get married, have children, go to war. On MN they still get an allowance.

Sistersofmercy101 · 16/08/2017 13:41

YANBU
You don't trust this individual to follow your request / instructions regarding your vulnerable baby.
Others / family members feel entitled to overrule you and place your child around and or with this person anyway.
She's a teenager, out of order but the adults family members overruling you are more at fault, as they should know much better!
I'd be angry if trusted family members acted this way. As for the pp who stated that only a tiny % of dogs are dangerous... Yeah that's a great damn comfort to those of us who have been attacked by a dog - what a genius thing to say!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2017 13:46

My dd was bitten on the face just above the eye by a rescue dog at 15 months. Belonging to sil and brother. They'd had it a while. Sil was lightly holding its collar (just in case) and dd was quietly sat patting its tummy. The dog was on its back. It's head moved at lightening speed, bit dd then laid back down as if nothing had happened. This was a border collie btw. I definitely saw no warning signs, ears and tail relaxed, no lip licking etc. She said she had control of the dog and didn't. Dh and I should not have let her as I didn't trust either her or the dog. My precious baby was hurt for the sake of so-called family relations. They have very domineering, narcissistic personalities and I didn't want to create a scene. I'm the scapegoat in the family so I'm always blamed. She has a puncture wound scar. But it could have been so much worse.

You are totally doing the right thing. We stopped talking to sil and brother for over a year because they took no responsibility and expected to continue to bring the dog to our house and they would leave it in the garden. Dh and I wanted to kill it so that was totally unacceptable. They were nasty to us and only understood our POV once their pfb was born.

Your bils fiancée is very young. She did a stupid thing with the dog. And a disrespectful thing with the cupcake. I can imagine you are absolutely livid. 18 yr olds can be very immature. Apparently only half of the prefrontal cortex is developed by 18, which goes to explaining why teenagers think they know everything but screw up a lot. Personally I'd give her another chance. But I wouldn't let her or the pils have your baby unsupervised ATM.

We are now NC with sil and brother. But that is about their subsequent behaviour. Dd and I are scared of sil, who I now realise is a psychopath and petrified of my brother, who is a thug.

BoysofMelody · 16/08/2017 13:48

In the real world 18 year olds get married, have children, go to war

Okay, they can go do all those things legally, but precious few 18 year olds are battle hardened combat veterans with a spouse and child in tow. In your 'real world' how many 18 year olds do you know who are all those things ?

I'd venture in the 'real' world's most 18 year olds are making the transition into adulthood and in some form of education or training and learning the nuances of the world outside home and school.

ButtHoleinOne · 16/08/2017 13:50

I moved countries at 18 and many of my friends did too. I supported myself financially and I then (and now) still think people who choose to act like children well in to their twenties are pathetic.

pictish · 16/08/2017 13:56

Sounds like everyone in this scenario likes a bit of argy bargy and discord to keep the boredom away.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2017 13:56

ButtHole

That's all very well and great that you did this. Not everyone has been brought up with the knowledge and wherewithal to be a 'real adult' at 18. My mother for example may be mid 70's but emotionally, she's about 3. Therefore I was very immature well into my 20's as I didn't have a decent roll model from either her or my father. So I had to learn to be an adult from therapy as my knowledge gaps were astounding. I'm still learning now in my 40's.

Not understanding that everyone is different and refusing to appreciate people can be immature well into their 20's isn't a sign of maturity either.

BoysofMelody · 16/08/2017 13:59

I moved countries at 18 and many of my friends did too.

So you weren't a teenage war vet with a spouse and child in tow!

StickThatInYourPipe · 16/08/2017 13:59

Well that's great for you isn't it ButtHole I moved away from my family when I was 16 but it still doesn't make me understand why the grandparents are not responsible for the dog surely they allowed it in the house? If not and they were not there or didn't know how was the baby there?

Dina1234 · 16/08/2017 14:00

You are being 100% reasonable.

  1. She clearly doesn't understand boundaries and that she cannot do what ever the he'll she wants to your child-see cupcakegate.
  2. She clearly has poor judgement as evidenced by the dog photograph.
AhhhhThatsBass · 16/08/2017 14:03

I actually think a cupcake is a pretty big deal where a a 7 month old is concerned, both because she directly disregarded your request and because at that age they really shouldn't be eating anything like that, in my opinion. Theoretically he will only have started solids a few weeks before?

Make sure you let your in laws know that you'd prefer she wasn't too involved with your son when he is there but ultimately it is their decision, the alternative is that you don't allow him to stay there/only allow it if you know she is away (on holiday for example).

RainyApril · 16/08/2017 14:04

I'm unsurprised that an 18yo wouldn't see the danger in supervising a photo with a baby and a family pet, or in giving a baby a bit of cake at a christening.

I'm also unsurprised that an 18yo might want to piss the op off a bit after the dog incident, which left her 'knowing better than to speak to op again'.

I'm basing this on having four teens and a constant stream of their mates hanging around my house.

All that was needed was a friendly conversation after the dog incident, and the rest of the family being a bit more vigilant for her daft teenage decisions where the baby is concerned.

troodiedoo · 16/08/2017 14:10

Mummyoflittledragon that's awful Flowers

But thank God it wasn't worse.

chloesmumtoo · 16/08/2017 14:12

SO do I say I don't want her coming round and being around him? Or is that really crappy of me?
Yes I think it would be cruel to do that. I think you need a chat to the inlaws, by all means mention you don't want ds around the dog whilst in their care and if that is not possible then they must say so now. Explain your concerns and expectations, I think that is reasonable.
As for the girlfriend, 18yrs is young and doubt she means any harm, probably loves seeing your ds and will yearn to belong in the family. She will see herself as his auntie if they stay together. As for the cupcake everyone is different, her family may have done these things at that young age and she knows no different and wanted ds to like her and she wanted to spoil treat him. Maybe she has an older toddler in her family that she's used to giving food to. Lay boundaries regarding food to inlaws as they will be the carers. My dd has life threatening allergies so if the girlfriend ignored no from me she could have caused a serious anaphylactic reaction in our case. So I do understand but the only possible way of making things better is befriending her and learning her your way of things. Accept her and give her a chance. Doesn't mean you have to have ds around the dog though.I would not have liked either eg dog or cupcake situation back when mine were young but I have older teens now and also see it from another angle thinking of the 18yr old inexperienced in these things and just wanting to fit in and be liked. Being oblivious to parenthood and what it entails.

Jammydodger81 · 16/08/2017 14:13

Will people stop misquoting OP please! She never said the gf knew better than to talk to her at the christening, she said - 'she didn't speak to me because she knows better.'

That reads to me like the teen had a strop because she thinks what she did with the dog is fine when the OP had an issue with it but regardless as the OP hasn't qualified it either way don't twist that sentence to make it fit your 'mean girl' theory. The OP has been called immature and all sorts, and told to look after her child 24/7. Not very supportive!

chloesmumtoo · 16/08/2017 14:16

Oh and I had plastic surgery from a friends dog biting me on the face at age 15yrs so you can never be too careful. Took 3 operations to sort me out.

Astella22 · 16/08/2017 14:24

So she took a pic and fed a cupcake to a 7 mth old which was clearly a mistake but not the hanging offence you seam to think. Sounds like you don't like her and are just looking for excuses to be mean. Think u should grow up.

Danceswithwarthogs · 16/08/2017 15:08

I would agree with Pp about speaking to mil about the dog... very many incidents with dogs and children actually happen when they are supervised, but adults don't read subtle signs that the dog is feeling anxious or confused by the child (although this is much more common with toddlers and young children who tend to be grabby or stare into their eyes etc) It's too soon with a rescue dog to know whether there are any previous experiences that might trigger the dog to behave in an unpredictable way. At 7m, unless your son is a speedy crawler, it should be simple to keep dog and baby apart. Perhaps also reiterate about his diet... if recently weaned you may still be introducing foods separately and avoiding unrefined sugar etc or need to avoid particular choke hazards (perhaps send a bag of purees/finger food options but ask them only to feed from your selection). You might sound a bit neurotic to her but at least it doesn't make the issue all about the teenage girlfriend directly.

grannytomine · 16/08/2017 15:09

To the lovely lady who said I should look after him myself I would like to point out it is important for him to interact with grandparents and spend time. This site is for advice not judgement! If you don't like the way they look after him then why would you leave him with them? He can interact with you or his father present and to be honest how much interacting will he be doing on an overnight stay?

Quite funny you complaining about me being judgemental when you are busy being very judgemental about an 18 year old.

Your story changes so maybe get that straight, she didn't speak to you at the Christening but asked you if she could give him the cup cake? How did she manage that then? Did he actually eat a cupcake? Really? I suspect he had a taste of it and to be honest with you if she had time to feed him a whole cupcake then you weren't supervising very well.

You don't think he was supervised with the dog but in OP say she was with him.

Think you are a bit of a drama queen and agree with Astella, you need to grow up.

Maddy70 · 16/08/2017 15:13

I agree with some of the others here, she is just an idiot but for the sake of family relations I wouldn't van her, I also wouldn't not speak to her. I find that a bit bizzare tbh. Try befriending her instead then she is far more likely to listen to your concerns

grannytomine · 16/08/2017 15:18

Exactly Maddy and also speak to ILs who were the ones looking after baby when the photo was taken. They definitely are old enough to know better.

glitterlips1 · 16/08/2017 15:26

I totally get your point about the dog. I would be the same. Going against your wishes re. the cupcake is annoying, I would just clear the air with her as you could come across as threatened or jealous of this 18 year old

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2017 15:50

Why on earth should OP have to befriend her to get her to listen to her concerns?

Do you think if she's extra nice to her the gf will be more respectful next time OP expresses a view on her small baby's diet? I doubt it.

Friendship, even within families, is a two-way street and the OP is in no way obliged to suck up to this muppet in the hope it makes her less stupid/thoughtless/devious when she is being intentionally rude and clearly thinks what she wants to do to OP's child overrides what OP is comfortable with.

BoysofMelody · 16/08/2017 16:12

Anne she doesn't have to become best buddies with her, just not treat her like a pariah. As a) it is likely to spark a family feud and her son could lose his relationship with his grandparents (and the op could lose her go to babysitter) and b) she is more likely to get the outcome she wants if she approached the issue in a constructive manner, rather than sending someone to Coventry.