AIBU to say I don't want her near my son?!

[Libbywx]

SO a few weeks ago we had a christening for my son. Long and short of the family drama is I really dislike my fiancee brothers girlfriend. Main reason is she once put pictures on fb of her with my son sat on the sofa with her staffy cross alsatian (cross they say "American bull dog" that screams pit bull to me but I'm no dog breeder.)

Anyway at the christening she didn't speak to me because she knows better. What she did was pester my partners mum to let her feed my son a cupcake (a cupcake??? He's 7mo.) To which my partners mum eventually said "ask his mum" she did... I said no and she did it anyway.

So now I really dislike her. Blood boiling kind of dislike. When we go away for the night in September my son is staying with the in-laws.... SO do I say I don't want her coming round and being around him? Or is that really crappy of me?

You sound way too PFB

That's not what PFB means.

thread apologies!

You didn't say it was a rescue dog until no one took the 'probably a pitbull' bait.

I have a terrier who I adore to bits and know really well. Most of the time he's a good dog, if a bit stubborn, but occasionally he can be growly and a bit snappy (e.g. if he's been sleeping and you wake him up to take him for a walk). I don't have kids so I know he isn't really used to them, and any time a child comes near him I do get quite worried about it as I'm not totally sure how he'll react.

Also, dogs can move extremely quickly. I often take mine to my gps (my grandad likes going for walks) but I really try not to do it if I know my little cousin (6 and isn't used to dogs) will be there. I feel more strongly about this than ever, as we did all end up there a couple weeks ago and my uncle was letting her stand in the middle of the room eating a GIANT flump (almost down to the floor), while my dog was lying a couple of feet away. I was trying to hold him down gently, while dropping big hints that it wasn't a good idea- luckily he was on his back so didn't seem to notice but if he had I can almost guarantee the flump would have been gone (he loves food!) And depending on how quickly he tried to get it from her, he could have accidentally hurt her, and who knows how she would have reacted- trying to bat him away etc which could have had consequences. Really, it could have been a recipe for disaster- thank goodness he can be totally oblivious to things going on around him sometimes!

YADNBU about the dog.

She's a teenager and obviously doesn't know better. The more your blood boils the more you will resent her. Speak to her and tell her that she asks you and if you say no it's no. Why was she so insistent on feeding a 7mo a cupcake?? Any photos on fb?? BTW I would also be fuming but no point as she auite clearly doesn't understand. You have to talk directly to her so she gets where you're coming from. Once you start to break that wall down you will feel so much better. Don't cause a family rift. You'll make people take sides and you'll come off worst.

As someone who has SIL and MIL who completely ignore my requests for 'no!' to things for my two DDs I completely agree with OP anger surrounding going against her specifically saying no. I think if a parent says no, regardless of what it is, others should respect that. Worse still is deliberately not asking as they know the answer will be no, and doing it!

I think you would be U to make a big deal but might be worth mentioning to PIL your concerns and let them have the opportunity to say if they think they will be able to mediate and ensure your parenting decision is continued even in your absence xx

I think it's really unfair to say you don't want her near him. If it was the other way round think how you would feel. What she has done in my view doesn't really justify that response. We only know one side of the story and she could of had really good intentions.
Your son will be looked after by his grandparents. You need to trust them and their judgement when your child is in their care.

The dog clearly wasn't a threat to your ds

How is the OP supposed to know that? I wouldn't want a baby of mine near a dog like that.

Why are some people are giving OP so much stick? With percentages about how rare dog attacks are on babiesWhy should she take the risk?
You ANBU OP.
This girl doesn't have the sense to look after either babies or dogs. Lots of dog owners/trainers on this thread have said they wouldn't trust an unknown newly rescued dog with a small child.
She's proved twice now that she will do as she pleases with your poor baby for her own entertainment regardless of your objections. When you refused permission about the cake, she went ahead and did it anyway in front of you and your family to demonstrate that she thought your objections were stupid. Just that. You cannot trust her.
I suspect that your family and this girl have pressured you into feeling foolish about "making a fuss". Stuff em. Stick to your guns. Would you yourself deliberately make a new mother stressed and worried about her baby and then make it appear she's being foolish about nothing? I'm guessing not. So why should she?
I'd make your objections clear to both the girl and the grandparents. There is no need to fall out with her or engage them in arguments. Just say it as briefly and clearly as you can in words a child can understand...and repeat. OH should be backing you to the hilt on this one.

I would cancel the trip. I truly would. You're not going to enjoy it anyway as you'll be constantly worried about your child.

Although I do have to warn, my son was 22 month when we got him. My parents did nothing we asked, my son is now 15 and we've had no contact with my parents for 11 years. My choice.

She took a photo of herself with your son and her dog and thats why you hate her 😕😕 thats pathetic sorry

Your son = your rules
Stand up for your child. I would have gone apeshit at either the cupcake or dog situation.

what matters is they your his mum and what you are or aren't comfortable with. She should respect you when you say 'no'. Even if some might think it's over protective (I don't) I think you have the right to make whatever decision you want to if that decision is based on you doing what you think is best for your child and feeling that he is safe. If she doesn't respect any direction you give regarding him,even if it is just a cupcake then I can fully understand that you've lost trust in her ability to make sensible decisions where he's concerned. I have a little jack Russell who wags his tail every time he sees my little boy, I've had him for two years, from 8 weeks old and I still won't let them be alone together in the room without me watching over them. I fully understand why you feel nervous that a young person who clearly does not respect your wishes when it comes to your son is in charge of the safety of your child around an animal. I think you're right not to want her near him, however I agree with some of these comments that before banning her, speak to her and explain what has made you angry, nervous and distrustful of her. If she still goes over your head with anything... then keep your child away. Him, his safety and you feeling comfortable about what family are allowing him to do in your abscence is what's important x

Deffo confront her about the things that make you feel uncomfortable. She may not really understand why you have concerns so once you explain them she might get it.

I am totally with you on the dog thing, no animals should be around tiny babies. They are unpredictable, I've never understood why people have babies posing with dogs. Never a risk I'd have taken.

I understand where you are coming from with both things but I think your reaction is totally over the top.

If she does something that makes you uncomfortable again, just tell her. (I know you said she didn't listen regarding the cupcake, but that appears to be the first and only time she's done that from what you've said).

It's really not worth causing a family rift over.

YANBU!

Love dogs. Grown up around dogs. Would be very cautious with a family dog around a new baby. This situation should not have happened, it shows lack of judgment.

Also love cupcakes. But wouldn't give one to a 7 month old. Too much sugar, allergy, choking risk. To do it after the parent said no - rude, disrespectful and again just a lack of awareness and judgment.

Based on info sounds like she's using your baby as a prop for fb and ig pics and doesn't have the experience/self awareness/knowledge to figure when and what's appropriate.

I'd cancel your trip and let things cool down. Then address your concerns with the grandparents. it doesn't sound like this young woman can make good assessments herself and they are allowing these situations for some reason.

Gemma, she put OP's 7 month old baby on the sofa next to an unknown, newly rescued dog. All the dog owners have voiced concerns about that.

YANBU
Unfortunately we will never know how dogs will react- look at all the instances in the press of dogs causing injuries to people. Now I'm not tarnishing all dogs here it's the unknown. You feel quite rightly aggrieved that your child was put in 'potential' danger and you were unaware of it - something you would not do yourself. People make choices and you're choosing to be wary of having your child around a dog. Could you perhaps explain to in-laws that you are apprehensive about your child being around the dog and ask them to be extra vigilant? As you will feel anxious and jot enjoy your trip worrying about this.
With regards to the cupcake issue, you said No, that means no. What person asks a parent permission for something but then completely ignores them?? It might seem trivial over a cupcake but it's your choice what you feed your child.
In all honesty I think your DH needs to speak to his brother to tell his girlfriend to stop treating your child like a doll. And if he doesn't then you should - or do it together.

YADNBU. I have had dogs all my married life (mainly rescue dogs) and have always obeyed the rule "never leave a dog alone with a child". My grandchildren (please don't banish me to GransNet!) are now 12 and 8 but I still obey that rule. My dog (a nine years-old rescue at aged 6 months) border collie adores my 8 years old because he plays with her but I still don't leave them alone together if no-one else is around. I know my dog would not intentionally hurt him but if play becomes a bit rough ... I appreciate that this does not apply to your baby but you are wise to worry. The cup cake was clear disobedience and I would have had strong words at the time. Is there no way you could take your DBaby with you on the trip? I know it is very valuable at this stage to have a break on your own but, will it be worth the worry? Is there no-one else you could leave DB with? I hope you can sort this out and have a lovely time. To all those who say you ABU - then I can only say they do not have babies - or babies and dogs - or do not care too much about welfare of either. You are being a sensible and realistic Mother. Good luck!

What a difficult situation, so sorry to hear about it.

We have a lovely gentle rescue dog but I am always aware that a dog may give a growl or a little 'nip' if he feels threatened - unpleasant, not fatal but could cause a lot of distress for a baby or toddler and the family. A new rescue dog could be calm and relaxed but might also be unpredictable.

As regards to the cupcake, it's early for your baby to have been given it but what is very important is that your wishes, which were clear, were completely ignored.

Do speak to your PiLS about dogs, baby suitable food, teenagers and how your perfectly reasonable requests should be met! 🌺

ok I still don't know what PFB means.. however..

sounds to me like the girl is desperately trying to ingratiate herself as a permanent feature in the Family.. with posting lots of family photos with 'nephew' family 'dog' .. we're all so close I have the Baby often.. her social media will be flooded with 'Family' shots I'm sure....

I agree with pp's who have said befriend the girl and then involve her in little ways to educate her. Perhaps in her family and circle of acquaintances the things she has done are accepted so she doesn't see what she has done wrong. Perhaps ask her to take baby out for a walk alone with you and take the opportunity to explain your ideas about weaning your baby and the importance of avoiding sugary items and the reasons for this (as well as any choking hazards). Then involve her at feeding time so she gets experience of how to do it right. Regarding the rescue dog, I have one and he is amazing with children. I still wouldn't leave him alone with young children or babies and the information you are given from rescue centres says to never leave dogs and young children alone. She has probably been naive and not thought about the risks involved. This will make family situations where you are all together more pleasant and it is always handy to have people willing to help out which is sounds like she is desperate to do. You can tell her you don't like people going against your wishes as far as your baby is concerned and ask her to help ensure things are done your way. She may grow to be a great help. You will also feel much happier about the times baby is left with gp's.

I'm not sure 'Training' the annoying lass is the answer.. and why should OP train this girl to be around children ?

Gemini69 Pfb - perfect first born.