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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I don't want her near my son?!

273 replies

Libbywx · 16/08/2017 09:00

SO a few weeks ago we had a christening for my son. Long and short of the family drama is I really dislike my fiancee brothers girlfriend. Main reason is she once put pictures on fb of her with my son sat on the sofa with her staffy cross alsatian (cross they say "American bull dog" that screams pit bull to me but I'm no dog breeder.)

Anyway at the christening she didn't speak to me because she knows better. What she did was pester my partners mum to let her feed my son a cupcake (a cupcake??? He's 7mo.) To which my partners mum eventually said "ask his mum" she did... I said no and she did it anyway.

So now I really dislike her. Blood boiling kind of dislike. When we go away for the night in September my son is staying with the in-laws.... SO do I say I don't want her coming round and being around him? Or is that really crappy of me?

OP posts:
ButtHoleinOne · 16/08/2017 09:35

Look after your baby yourself, maybe?
Helpful.

Grandparents never beg to babysit babies do they?

grasspigeons · 16/08/2017 09:35

I generally think that if people can't follow mums rules, even if they don't agree with them, they aren't great people to leave with a baby.

It doesn't matter if cupcakes are a great food for a 7 month old, and the health visitor recommends that babies are regularly left with new rescue dogs of unknown breeding, if mum says no, you don't do it.

Could your parents in law baby sit at your house? - perhaps it would be less unsettling for your baby and you can ask no other guests without looking like you are saying who the in laws are allowed in their own home.

PovertyPain · 16/08/2017 09:35

No you fucking don't have a baby and a rescue dog in close vicinity! It can take weeks for a rescue to show their true personality, so you don't risk it. I'd be fucking furious.

I had to tell a new client that her attitude towards her rescue was ridiculous and someone was going to get seriously hurt. I have looked after dogs for years and this one came in as sweet as you like, but by the end of the week was trying to dominate and had went for me a few times. I'm able to deal with that, but most wouldn't/couldn't. Turns out the dog had been attacking them as it's confidence grew, yet because it was very fond of kids they were letting neighbour's kids play with it. You never let a rescue get that close until you've had it many months and have tested its reactions to situations.

How dare she feed your child something, when you've said no! Cheeky fucker. It doesn't matter if others think it's not a big deal, it's YOUR baby. I don't think you'll be able to dictate if she visits your pils, but you can ask them that she's never left alone with your baby, as she has ignored what you've said in the future. Your mil seems to respect your wishes, so hopefully she'll understand.

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 09:36

Anyway at the christening she didn't speak to me because she knows better.

This sounds awful. I get you are upset about the dog and cup cake. But she didnt speak to you because she knows better?

Is she scared of you? Clearly alot more going on, but your attitude to a teenager is really off.

You can not tell pil who to have in their house. You are causing a rift here and loads of problems.

If you dont trust pil looking after your child. Dont ask them to baby sit.

I dont like my sil. A grown woman. She has been awful. Really awful. I would not dream of telling my own mum that she has to ban sil from her house when my kids are there.

grannytomine · 16/08/2017 09:41

I probably am slightly OTT but he's my first and I'm entitled to be, I want to do what I think is right for him and parent my way. Then you don't leave him with his grandparents in their home, you either look after him yourself or you employ someone who will do things your way. It is simple.

Willow2017 · 16/08/2017 09:42

Re dogs. Yes most dogs eoukdnt hurt a fly but this is a rescue dog they don't know well after a couple of weeks.

A friend of mine used to work in a rescue. They had a dog classed as family friendly while the staff wouldnt go in the kennel with it unless there was 2 of them!

I would speak to her and lay down the rules. She follows your parenting rules, if you say no that's it, no going behind your back. If she continues to ignore you then she doesnt get contact end of.

She isn't the mum and obviously hasn't a clue about potential dangers. Educate her😀

Make sure your pil know and stick to them too.

I don't see why you should not have final say in your own child and have to let some teen decide she will do as she damm well pleases for shits and giggles.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 16/08/2017 09:45

Staffies/pitbulls do have a really bad press but like most dogs it comes down to the owners.

So she posted a picture, you raised your issues with her (how did that go... your line about "she knows better" makes it sound like there has been more stuff than you mentioned), she came to the christening but neither of you spoke to each other until the cupcake incident?

I would think it all hinges on how you get on with your inlaws and whether you have any backup plans if they said they weren't willing to take him if you laid down conditions like banning x from the house. Is your Dp close to his brother? Could he have a chat about the dog/cupcake/appropriate behaviour around a 7 month old?

honeyroar · 16/08/2017 09:46

Can you not have an adult, mature conversation with her and tell her why you're worried, rather than all this "she knows better not to talk to me", boiling blood and putting your in laws in the middle of it all?

PeteAndManu · 16/08/2017 09:46

Gorgo I read that statement about 'she knows better' that way first. It could mean the GF thought she knew better than OP about the dog incident so was being 'off' with the OP.

OP which is it?

HashiAsLarry · 16/08/2017 09:47

I like dogs and cupcakes but I wouldn't have let either of my DC near and unknown dog nor give them a cupcake at 7m.

You need to have a serious chat with your ILs about making sure she's appropriately supervised around your DC.

GinIsIn · 16/08/2017 09:49

Also, either she "didn't speak to you at the christening because she knows better", or she asked you about the cupcake for you to say no. Could you please clarify?

trulybadlydeeply · 16/08/2017 09:50

I'm generally a very relaxed parent, but I do agree with you OP. I have a dog of my own, but I would never, ever let him in close proximity of such a young baby, particularly one that was not part of "his" family. Any dog, but particularly a rescue dog, can become extremely scared if a human behaves unpredictably, and let's face it, a baby can go from happy gurgling to ear piercing screech is seconds. Many dogs will show their fear by snapping.

I am also extremely relaxed about food, but no way would a 7 month old of mine be having cupcake - they've only just started to taste solids! It's primarily the fact that you said no, and she ignored it though.

As others have asked, what's your DP's stance on this? Don't leave DS at your ILs house without one or other of you if you are at all concerned about what goes on when you are not there.

Donttouchthethings · 16/08/2017 09:51

I'm a 'dog person'. I rescued a dog (a completely normal breed) which the centre said was fine with other dogs. He wasn't. Their assessments were minimal and their training almost nonexistent. Some days he wasn't even walked out of his kennel unless I went and walked him. However, I'm a mature woman and I assessed this situation myself and dealt with it accordingly. I most certainly wouldn't have let him near a child until I knew for certain he was fine with them. There are also very good behavioural reasons not to let dogs on sofas.

OP, I get what you're saying. You're not dealing with a mature woman here - YOU have to be that person.

I would speak to your mil directly and tell her clearly that you are extremely concerned. You need to give specific examples and be absolutely clear. No drama. "Your child. Your rules."

Neutrogena · 16/08/2017 09:54

A member of your family is far more likely to harm your baby than a dog
While you think you 'know' your family, none of us really do. Paedophiles don't advertise their condition.

Are you sure you want to leave your baby?

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2017 09:57

Personally I'd put a rule in the dog could not be in the same house as the baby. I wouldn't be so worried about the teenage girlfriend or the cup cake.

SuperBeagle · 16/08/2017 09:58

You sound like a drama queen.

The dog's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world.

The cupcake is just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Find alternative childcare if you've got an issue with how these people are doing things.

Syc4moreTrees · 16/08/2017 10:00

I'd just request the dog isn't around, but other than that I don't think the teenage GF is going out of her way to be deliberately annoying or dangerous. The cup cake thing for me is a non issue, letting a 7mo lick some frosting wouldn't be the end of the world, although I get that you see it as a bigger issue of defying your rules.

I do think you need to pick your battles, she's young, shes excited to spend time with her partner's niece, the grandparents will be there...you need to probably try and re-work this to get some perspective. I mean that nicely, kids survive worse than being sat beside a dog, which if she was close enough to take a photo of him would suggest she probably was supervising him to be fair.

troodiedoo · 16/08/2017 10:00

YANBU. I wouldn't let an animal near a baby.

Your best bet is probably to try and educate the girl though rather than banning her.

Neutrogena · 16/08/2017 10:04

@troodiedoo

Not a cat or a hamster?
A goldfish?

Goodythreeshoes · 16/08/2017 10:05

That was a bit of a jump - annoying girlfriend to paedophile grandparents?

EdithWeston · 16/08/2017 10:07

Is she a long-standing girlfriend?

It's not a given that she will ever become an enduring family member.

The cupcake is annoying, but something which won't harm a 7mo. As you do not like or trust her, I assume there was someone else with your DC. Who was that person, and how come they let it happen?

But dog is a bigger upissue. A new rescue dog is too much of an unknown quantity. And even known dogs should not be left alone with small. children. I'm assuming your DC was alone in the sofa btw (if there was an adult between them with one hand firmly on the dog's collar then the likely risk is quite different).

You have to trust your MIL to keep the baby away from dogs, and to follow the big picture on feeding etc (you can't micromanage how she does things, but you can set the big picture eg in terms of what foods DC has tried/likes and ask her not to try new things).

If you cannot, then she cannot have sole charge

SukiTheDog · 16/08/2017 10:08

I don't think you're in the wrong, at all. I have a golden retriever. A breed known for gentleness and easy going nature. My three yr old nephew would not be left along with her and if he's with her, I'm careful she doesn't have a toy/bone whatever. She is a dog. Yes, she's a sweetheart but, do I trust any dog entirely? NO!

Their dog may be fine. It's YOUR child. You call the shots. End of. She was wrong.

KimmySchmidt1 · 16/08/2017 10:10

I feel like you have strayed from being over protective to being a bit Eastenders - desperate for a screaming dreadful row with someone. Its all rather common, isnt it? She is clearly an idiot and very inexperienced and immature around children, but i'm not sure that warrants your hate - perhaps your contempt.

If you have a tiny baby you can only leave it with people you trust. That's the reality of your responsibility. I'd suggest you give your in-laws some strict rules that don't expressly say she can't be there at all, but perhaps gently (and without sounding like someone from Jeremy Kyle) say that you find her a bit immature around the baby and so can they make sure she doesn't have any unsupervised access.

formerbabe · 16/08/2017 10:12

It's a cupcake.'its not going to hurt him

That's not the point. If the mother has said no, don't feed him it, then that must be respected.

OhhBetty · 16/08/2017 10:12

There's no way you seriously think you can dictate to your inlaws who they have in their own home? I'm not going to comment on your reaction to all this or your attitide to the girl because as parents we all have our own boundaries. However, if you feel you can't trust your inlaws to keep your child safe then I'm afraid you need to find alternative childcare arrangements.