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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if I have left it all too late?

184 replies

youcan · 13/08/2017 15:19

Aged 37, for marriage and children?

Be honest!

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 18:23

You are not too old at all! Some people start families in their forties

And more people find themselves unable to start families in their forties. It's not helpful to people to pretend that the facts are not the facts. It's not nice to ignore the reality in favour of simplistic hope.

Yes, some people can have children well into their forties. But an awful lot cannot.

MrsDarlingGirl · 14/08/2017 18:44

I got cheated on and dumped at 36, thought I'd missed my chances. Met my now husband 5 months later. And we were pregnant 6 months after that!!! Anything is possible.

Tess123 · 14/08/2017 18:52

Definitely not! I got divorced at 37, and met second hubby at 39. Had my first child at 41, and my second at 44.

At 37 I thought it was all over for me, and I know exactly how you're feeling. But, you're wrong. Don't let your fears hold you back, they're not real. Good luck!

ktp100 · 14/08/2017 19:32

Not at all. I had my first at 40.x.

Bashbaby · 14/08/2017 19:42

I got married at 36, we had been together about 18 months. I'm now 42 and expecting my first baby! You've got time x

mumof3boys33 · 14/08/2017 19:44

I had my third child at 38. I found being pregnant age 38 very tiring and my back and hips were so painful. But he was my third. And I may have been in as much pain if I were younger. But he wasn't planned so I think getting pregnant in late 30's is quite possible. You could always have some eggs frozen if you are worried.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 14/08/2017 19:45

No, not at all.

I was 40 when I had DD1.

Take up cycling or running where you can join a club. Good friend met her DP when she took up running. Grin
Another friend used EHarmony too.
Do a class where you might meet men - so not crochet.
Tell people you are single and ask them to set you up on a blind date with a single man.

What are your interests?

Give it as much attention as you would looking for a job.

SaS2014 · 14/08/2017 19:47

If you're currently single but still hope for marriage and kids I'd consider looking at freezing your eggs so that if you do meet the right person there's a bit less pressure to get family started asap due to fertility. Allows you a more relaxed less pressured dating etc

Isadorabubble · 14/08/2017 20:10

No. I met my partner when I was 39 (online). We're not married but I had my baby with him at 41. Baby just turned 1 and we're also celebrating our 3 year anniversary. As others have said be open to it and create opportunities. I had psychotherapy which i think helped me break patterns of behaviour to get what i wanted. Therapy isn't necessary but it really helped me.

Isadorabubble · 14/08/2017 20:11

I used eHarmony BTW.

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 14/08/2017 21:34

You're obviously feeling very negative right now because the vast majority of people are saying no, you haven't left it too late for marriage and kids but you don't seem to be hearing that, just responding to posts saying different.

The answer is no, you haven't left it too late. It might happen, it might not but that would be the same if you were 20.

Oysterbabe · 14/08/2017 21:39

I was married and pregnant 21 months after my first date with DH. You need to not sit on your laurels and be assertive in finding the right man who wants the same things you want.

sassylassie · 14/08/2017 21:46

I got married at 36, and gave birth to my first at 38 and second at 41. My good friend (same age as me) was single when I got pregnant with my first, and decided she really wanted a child, so went it alone. She finally got pregnant at 41 and is so happy now - her daughter is 2 and she's still on her own. I get that you want a family and not just a child, but you might have to decide what you cut off is if you don't meet someone, and ask yourself the hard question about whether you would prefer to have a child on your own or not have any. There's always a chance to meet a partner later, but the biological clock will keep ticking for us unfortunately. I spent a lot of time looking at stats on getting pregnant as an 'older mum' and also chance of birth defects etc, and when you look at the graphs there really is a cliff edge around 40.
It took my friend 3 years to get pregnant. It's hard to know, but the sooner you get started the more chance you have. :-) Good luck!!

lilacmamacat · 14/08/2017 21:49

Short answer: no!

Marriage is always a possibility but yes, statistically your chances of having children is decreasing. However, as you can see from the responses here, lots of people have managed it. Lots of people also struggle with infertility from a much younger age than you are.

I had my DS at 45, albeit with IVF and egg donation. This was not my preferred route but it has worked out for me, and the worries I had about him not being 'mine' evaporated pretty early on in the pregnancy. I would now consider adoption in order to have a second child. There are plenty of ways to become a parent, some of which might appear to be a lot less attractive to a non-parent than others (as did egg donation and adoption appear to me before I had my DS), but once you're actually in the thick of it, being a parent is being a parent.

My feeling is that you need to stop thinking about things in terms of marriage and babies, but just get out and do more, and meet more people, with a view to meeting more people. That way, any needyness (sp?) that might be coming across to potential friends and (whisper) partners, is minimised. I spent 5 years single, said fuck it and went off to do a post grad course where my sole intention was to concentrate on the course, and met the guy who ended up being my partner in the first week. I think if I had gone back to uni with the intention of finding a husband, it would have backfired on me completely.

I hope things work out for you. Do you have friends or family you can talk this through with? That might help too.

knowsnowt · 14/08/2017 21:49

I came out of a 13 year relationship age 33. Met my OH at 35. Got married 2 days before my 37th birthday, had DD1 just before my 38th and DD2 at 39.

greeneyedlulu · 14/08/2017 21:49

Thank God for all the nos on here!! I'm 37 with a 3 and half year old and am 3 months in to a new relationship with a guy I met 20 years ago and we are deliriously happy and he's 10 years my senior and adamant he wants a child (even after spending time with my toddler Grin) so I'm glad to see that 37 and older is not 'past it' on the baby making front!
Good luck xx

zaalitje · 14/08/2017 21:51

OP have you left it too late? You need something called an AMH test to tell you that, it'll give ovarian reserve. Also, would your mum be able to tell you the age she hit menopause? It's a rough indicator of your fertility.

I thought at 38 the clock was ticking and I was single, I knew I wanted a child and a partner, one of those was time limited so I started trying to go it alone. I figured by the time is dated a guy long enough to start thinking and talking about kids, even if I'd meet then instantly, if be pushing 40, too late for any interventions etc.

At our age people come with baggage, with a past, there's every chance that might include kids, you say you don't want to be a step parent but you do want a family, you might need to think about whether having a child is more important to you than meeting someone without kids, because there's every chance you can't have both. The more criteria you have, the harder you are making it to meet someone.
I'm not saying settle, in saying think what's important because you can't turn the clock back for a second chance.
And plenty of single women with children meet guys. This isn't 1950 where single parenthood had a stigma attached, there is no "normal family" anymore.

Anyway, I decided to go it alone, used a sperm donor, a couple miscarriages later I discovered it left it too late. My AMH gave me the equivalent level of fertility of a woman around 50. I'm considering ivf with donor eggs, just wish I knew if it would work.

lilacmamacat · 14/08/2017 21:59

@zaalitje do try donor eggs. The advantage is that the donor will be young (so should have more viable eggs) and will have been screened for all sorts of things. They probably will also have had a child naturally before they can become a donor which should 'prove' their fertility. Fingers crossed for you!

WetsTheFinger · 14/08/2017 22:00

Honestly? Yes, probably. But not definitively.

Hobbes39 · 14/08/2017 22:13

A few years ago I'd have said 'no, of course not!', but now... age 40 and after 2.5 years of secondary infertility, and 3 failed cycles of IVF my honest answer to you is maybe. As others have said, you don't know how fertile you are, you may be one of the lucky ones who remain fertile into your 40s, but even if you get your AMH tested, it only tells you egg quantity, not quality. it doesn't matter how many of them you have if they are all duds.
I think if I were you, knowing what I know now, I'd freeze my eggs if you can - that way when you do hopefully meet a partner you can work with 37 year old eggs, not 39/40/41 year old ones... while it's not a great process to go through it is better to go through that now that countless IVF rounds age 40+ which has a very low success rate with your own eggs. Good luck x

PacificDogwod · 14/08/2017 22:15

No way to of telling.

No not too late for it to never happen Smile

Fwiw, I had 4 DCs between 37 and 44.

TumbleBee · 14/08/2017 22:33

I met DH when I was 39, he had 3 children from his first marriage and though we tried for a while, we didn't conceive in the time we'd decided to give it. I was sad, I can't lie, but I've got a strong relationship with 3 fantastic stepchildren, and I'm looking forward to being part of their children's lives when the next generation arrives. I'm not their mum - who I get on with well - but they have a special kind of love for me, and me for them, which I thought I'd miss out on altogether.

There really are lots of ways to be part of a family now. Don't get so fixated on the very specific 'traditional engagement ring/wedding/baby' route - which is hard enough to pull off without a deadline - that you feel anything else is somehow a failure. It's not.

Identity1 · 14/08/2017 22:45

I don't think so, it's never too late to get married. I've had DC first and plan to marry year after next. A work colleague of mine had first DS at 43 (whos now 3 ) and just got married this year. Hope all goes well for you.

user1478433729 · 14/08/2017 22:51

Please don't feel hopeless.

I met my wonderful husband aged 40....he was 46. We got engaged 6 months later, and then married just under a year after meeting.
We are now expecting our first child next month....all in under two years. I've just turned 42.

We both met 'in real life': the irony is that we were both signed up to the same dating site, though not active on it at the time. Even if we had been, I really don't think we would have met as we are not an obvious match on paper. We met on a weekend away with a group of mutual friends and it was this that made such a difference as we spent time talking to each other in a really relaxed, non stressy way.
I don't think we would have hit it off so well had we met in a formal date setup - I'm shy and slow to warm up, and my husband is a bit quirky.
But together we work, and it was really that fantastically lucky opportunity of meeting in real life in a relaxed situation that helped us gel.

So; that's the point I'd like to make: don't rely on dating apps and the like, particularly if you are shy, as you say (me too!). As hard as it is - and it really is - get out there and meet new people. Talk and listen to them!
Most of my friends were really unhelpful in inviting me out as a single bod - they are all mostly married, and reluctant to invite along a spare cog who would upset the numbers. So, I do understand how hard it is to meet new people.

Try Meetup for different groups.
Best of luck and sending you a big hug xxx

cheval · 14/08/2017 22:55

Get online and start the search for a partner! Also, families come in many guises if that is what you want rather than the actual I have to procreate thing. Maybe someone who has children from a previous marriage, or fostering, or adoption.

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