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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I have left it all too late?

184 replies

youcan · 13/08/2017 15:19

Aged 37, for marriage and children?

Be honest!

OP posts:
MiaHayek · 13/08/2017 17:03

as for your life not being equipped at the moment.. it never is, not even with couples who want kids. we're still stuck in a studio flat waiting for it to sell for almost a year now and baby is almost 1 year. there's never a good time. but you make it work.

i don't have a penny to my name but i was gonna have a kid no matter what.

it doesn't sound like you want the child more than the idea of 'a family'.

Original poster
youcan · 13/08/2017 17:05

Mia but you are trying to move; you are in that position. I am not.

OP posts:
iniquity · 13/08/2017 17:10

Your odds at 40 of a baby are around 50% and at 37 around 75% so it depends on when and if you meet the special someone if you have indeed left it too late. Why have you not met someone before?- Is it because you are shy or just really picky?

Original poster
youcan · 13/08/2017 17:10

Shy I suppose. Not many opportunities to meet anyone.

OP posts:
MiaHayek · 13/08/2017 17:14

Yes we are trying to move. But it is 100% his flat. And if he didn't want to try to have a child then I was prepared to leave and move back into my mother's or apply for social housing.

I think what helped me push for it or rather what helped me get to the decision where I'm telling him sincerely 'The need for me to have a child is greater than the need for me to with you without a child' is that I couldn't see myself living the rest of my life without a child. I had to have one no matter what. In the end he said he didn't want to lose me. I was lucky. But I meant it.

He would argue that we had a good life, what more do we want. But i realised having a child was so important and fundamental for me. Or at least trying to have one. I did wonder many times if i had left it too late. It was very upsetting to think there would be no continuation of me.

But i braced myself for that eventuality and thought maybe we could adopt.

I reasoned that if women in Africa were crossing the Med pregnant on those shitty boats, and with their babies and arriving in Europe penniless, no home, no family etc etc then if they could do it then I could do it too. And we are in a much better position than so many millions of poor women in the world.

Look around you there are so many refugees in the UK living wonderful family lives and they have even less than natives.

chevrechevre · 13/08/2017 17:18

OP can I ask what makes single parenthood unsuitable for you? And why you feel so downhearted about getting married and having children at your age?

Colleague was feeling it was too late after end of 10-year LTR at 36. At 37 picked herself up, dusted off, threw herself into OLD (Match I think), had about 6 months of dates ranging from dreadful to no spark then met her now HB. Engaged within 12 months, 3 months pregnant with DD1 when married the next year at 39/40. She now has DS1 as well.

On the other hand, a friend is early 30s and has a very, very specific idea of who she wants to date (age, height, physique, hair colour, interests, distance from her home to theirs, kind of job etc), can't be bothered with OLD and is sad that she's been single for 5 years while all her friends are settling down.

MiaHayek · 13/08/2017 17:28

chevrechevre i like your stats :)

MsPassepartout · 13/08/2017 17:29

You're never too old to meet a new partner and get married.

Children? That's more difficult to say. If you need to meet a man, build a relationship, get married, then TTC - then time could be running short.
Plenty of women older than 37 conceive and have healthy children, but right now you've got no way of knowing whether you're one of the women who'll still be fertile at 45, or not.
I know one woman who went and got her egg reserves checked out by a fertility doctor to try and assess how long she had left to try for a baby - is that something you've considered?

I agree with pp though, that you need to be proactive about meeting new men and seeking out a partner if you want to maximise your chances of marriage and a baby. New relationships don't generally appear out of nowhere.

Original poster
youcan · 13/08/2017 17:29

That's great Mia and I am genuinely pleased that you have made choices you are confident and happy in.

My choices are different to yours, because I am not you, they in no way invalidate yours.

Chev at present I am struggling financially. I am probably going to have to sell my house. I have no support. The reality for me having a child would be a chance encounter as I could not afford a fertility clinic and bringing a child into a world where I could not afford to work and support us both, meaning I would have to be a lone parent on benefits. There is nothing 'wrong' with this but I think we'd be kidding ourselves if we thought it was ideal. Bad for the child but, also important, bad for me.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 13/08/2017 17:31

"Your odds at 40 of a baby are around 50% and at 37 around 75% "

It's 40-50% and then the miscarriage rate is higher, by 43 it drops down to 1/2%. The Women who are managing to do it without IVF must all be known to a MN'er, if you believe the posts.

OP, if you actively look then it could be possible, but having a baby with someone you've known so little time, doesn't guarantee that the relationship will last, so chose someone that you think will support the child.

Personally, I think it would be better if you open your thinking, to include Stepchildren. The amount of single men in the age group that want to marry nearly 40 year old Women, is small, discount Lone Dads and it becomes miniscule.

I've had plenty of friends who have gotten into relationships at 35+, one who couldn't have children is now a doting Step Grandmother, as are others. Or really good Aunts to their new Nieces and Nephews.

It might happen for you, it might not.

Conniedescending · 13/08/2017 17:32

No it's not impossible but you will need to focus and put all your energies in to meeting someone. U seem a bit 'meh' about doing that but get in with it and give it your all before it really is definitely too late

glitterlips1 · 13/08/2017 17:37

No. I want another baby and I am 38.5!

innagazing · 13/08/2017 17:52

It doesn't have to be such a stark 'either' 'or' as you describe. If you work part time, with working tax credits etc then you're not living purely on benefits. ( it's not necessarily bad for the child either, but that's a whole other thread).
Regardless of wanting a child, I would try very hard to not sell the house, as it is security and cheaper than renting. Could you rent out a room or even the whole place for now? Or make part of it interest only payments for a few years. Or extend the period of the mortgage?
It's odd, but you do adjust to living on a cheaper budget as a single parent. You make friends with other single parents too and esocialis at home more and help each other out when the chips are down. My mate moved into my house with her two dads when I had a double mastectomy to help out in the early days.
My d is 18 now, and there's always just been the 2 of us- I had her at 40- we are still a family though, albeit a small one. Odd how outsiders don't think of single parent families as ' real' families...

Original poster
youcan · 13/08/2017 17:58

Unfortunately people aren't accepting that it really would NOT be a wise move to be a single parent! I do appreciate the advice but (meant nicely) I wasn't asking "should I be a single parent or not."

OP posts:
MiaHayek · 13/08/2017 17:58

if you're in the uk and depending on where you live you can get at least one round of IVF for free and you can do it with a sperm donor, say from Norway for £200.You need to be under 40. When we did it there were women who were doing it with sperm donors.

innagazing · 13/08/2017 17:58

Moved in with her two DDs not dads! Thank God!

Original poster
youcan · 13/08/2017 18:00

No, Mia, you really cannot.

In any case I don't want to bring a child into a world where I have no home, no job, no money and no support!

I would really appreciate it if people could accept this is not something I want to do.

OP posts:
MiaHayek · 13/08/2017 18:01

innagazing is right! so many cute single Dads out there too. In many ways you are more likely to meet a partner just like you once you have a kid.. and there's not reason why you can't then have another kid with that guy.

innagazing · 13/08/2017 18:01

Zi wasn't proposing that you should become a single parent actually. I just wanted to correct a few misconceptions that you seem to hold.
Hope it all works out for you.

ShitOrBust · 13/08/2017 18:20

They're all online, so you need to be doing OD.
By not going online and hoping you'll meet them out and about, is significantly cutting down your chances of meeting anyone.

You need to get very serious about meeting someone and doing everything you can to do so.
you must go out at every social opportunity and also do OD. by doing both you might meet someone.

i know a whole clatter of childless single women of 40 and over, so it doesn't happen for everyone.
you have to make it happen as much as possible yourself. it is a full time job finding the right man, really.

user1490465531 · 13/08/2017 18:34

ok just keep looking but you will need to meet someone realistically in the next year or so to make it a possibility on the child front.

chevrechevre · 13/08/2017 18:36

Understand what you're saying your. So focusing on what you want:

Do you do online dating at the mo? Yes, there are some frogs, but often it's more lacklustre than disaster - and you can laugh off any disasters with your friends.

Can you make it known among your friends and family that you're looking to meet people and are open to being set up?

Is there anything we can help with?

Ty Mia Smile

MouseLove · 13/08/2017 18:46

I think you are in good time. However I think you need to focus on you and your circumstances right now. If you had a good life with your ducks in a row I think you'd be more open to the possibility of a child on your own. So maybe while you are trying to find mr right, you could also work on your own position. You should always put you first. Of course, I'm talking out my arse really because I've been with my husband for 13 years and we are struggling to have our first baby. Things don't always go to plan. That is life. Good luck!!

beekeeper17 · 13/08/2017 19:02

You might not have left it too late but you need to be realistic that it's possible you may not get pregnant. However, I have friends in their early thirties who are having long term difficulties conceiving so there's no guarantee things would have worked out the way you wanted had you married and tried to get pregnant 5 years ago. And I also have friends getting married and falling pregnant relatively easily in their early forties.

Get yourself out there and go for it. At least then you know you've done all you can, there's not much else you can do apart from that. Good luck!

codswallopandbalderdash · 13/08/2017 19:04

No. Last child at age 42. Had some sadness along the way but got there in the end.