Parents won't visit new baby

[newmum7369]

This is perhaps more of a WWYD. Name changed as this could be outing but I am a frequent MN user and have posted about this previously.

A bit of background so as not to drip feed. My parents, sister and brother all live within about 2 minutes of each other. Most of my family and longstanding family friends live within another 10 minutes. Sister has 3 children (13-10 years), brother and SIL expecting first baby early September. DH and I live 40 minutes away and are committed to living here as DH runs his own business here and needs to be local.

DS1 was born 2 weeks ago today. He is perfect and healthy and DH and I are over the moon.

When I was pregnant I spoke to my mum about having concerns about her visiting me and helping out with the baby as I knew they would have a new baby on their doorstep shortly after mine was born. I was assured there would be absolutely no favouritism and that she would have ample time to visit us and help out. We've also had a similar conversation since he was born and she promised she would help out.

Now the baby is here my mum and dad visited for the first time this weekend for a couple of hours on Friday night. This visit took a huge amount of organisation and 3 previous cancelled visits. My mum is very reluctant to visit us without my dad because she doesn't want to do the driving (it's basically one road and the trickiest part is through then town they live in which she does all the time). I have invited her here a number of times since DS has been born and she makes excuses. She has never called me since he has been born to see how we are getting on, although she will ask if I call her.

My brother's baby isn't even here yet and she is showing no interest in mine unless I am prepared to bring him to her.

I think you are overthinking this massively. Baby's don't do much at two weeks and I presume your DH is around to do jobs.

If you are 40 mins away then she can't just pop over. I know it's not far but with such a young baby she could come over and the baby could be asleep the whole time. IYSWIM

Might they also be worried about getting in your DPs way. There are a million (probably literally a million 😂) threads on MN about giving new mums space. I'm sure the same should apply to their partners.

Perhaps if they think you just want them to help then they are just wandering why your DP isn't doing it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly think you are being a bit sensitive. They have been over once already. I think mentioning that you are feeling unsupportive or whatever is just going to make everything awkward. They are going to visit you because they will be nervous of you being offended rather than because they simply fancy visiting you. It makes the whole situation a thing where it should just be a happy and exciting time.

Ps Congrats on your new baby and congrats on having the time to posts threads . I'm impressed. 😁 Next you will be telling us you have managed a shower 😆💐💐💐

That does sound hurtful but I wonder if your mum has gone out of her way to not show favouritism to you over your SIL in view of what your DB said to her. Maybe you should speak to her about it, like he did?

Congratulations on your DS!

My mum stayed over a few nights with our kids when I had the last 2, but was gone the day I got out of hospital. She came once a week to see the kids, stayed an hour and was gone. It absolutely broke my heart at the time, but I learned that DH and my kids were my family now and more worthy of my time/effort. The difference is that it's made me a bloody fierce grandmother... I see my grandkids most days, look after them during the week so my DD gets some rest/one to one time, and they stay over most weekends. I'm so sorry your mum is being like this, it's totally shit but don't make excuses for her or beat yourself up over it. It is what it is, you can't change it and don't let it spoil your precious time as a new mum. It's her loss, after all .

I do not understand why it is such an issue! Most people are hoping family WON'T be over too much (I was like that - I wanted to be alone with my new little family).

OP I'm in a similar situation except I am the SIL. My DH has pretty much told me to expect no help from his mum (who lives on the same street) as his Dsis has knackered her out.I am fuming but I need to remember that actually, she doesn't owe us - including dsis - anything. The childcare is a favour.

histinyhandsarefrozen

OP said in her post that before baby had even been born she practically demanded reassurance from her mum that she would visit regularly and help out often which her DM agreed to.

It's 2 weeks in and OP is already whinging that she isn't getting enough help from her DM.

Maybe her DM didn't realise that she was supposed to be on call to help out from birth?

Her DP have seen her DS twice in 2 weeks whilst living 40 minutes away and having their own life. I don't think that's unreasonable.

At this stage OP should be bonding with her new baby and appreciating some quiet time as a new family of three.

What was she expecting from her mum? Daily visits, phone calls and to be on hand for "help"

I feel sorry for OPs DM but I know I'm in the minority!

I find it odd that you & SIL have both been talking about help before babies are even here.

That aside, if your mum is nervous about the drive & waiting for your dad, does that restrict it to weekends?

Perhaps she/they are trying to find a fine line between too much & too little?

I wouldn't worry too much if it seems as if you are doing the arranging as it is you it needs to suit iyswim.

I can see how it also feels as if she's not willing to put herself out a bit as well.

So they've been to you once & you've been to the once?

Sounds OK for a two wk old!

I have a similar situation and understand where you are coming from op - although I live much further away from my parents so it's more understandable. DP are scared of visiting the city where I live, they don't like driving long distances and trains are expensive - although I've offered to pay.
I have ended up making several long train journeys with a small baby to see family - which hasn't been hugely easy.
I'm sure if there was an emergency and if I desperately needed support they would drop everything and come down but I have been a little sad that they couldn't be around more frequently in these first few months - not to offer help but to be a part of the baby's life - unreasonable though that may be on my part.
I do think if your DM is only 40 min away and isn't infirm than she certainly should be prepared to put some more effort in. It's absolutely not unreasonable to expect this. You're not demanding full time childcare or cleaning services - although I don't think it's outrageous to hope she might offer a little help cleaning or cooking a few meals in the early days or watch the baby while you have a bath etc.
Could she not figure out a way on a bus, train or a bit of the journey in a taxi? Having said that you're only two weeks in - it probably seems a long time for you but perhaps not to your DP. Perhaps once they've got their acts together they may start visiting more regularly.

Sometimes GPS are stuck in their ways traditional and expect to be visited not the visitors. Did your DM visit a lot before? If not then it's probably not going to change.

You know what lay this all out in the open with your mum and dad. Tell them in no uncertain terms that their failure in visiting is going to ruin their relationship with your kids. Also make it very clear that you won't be visiting them more than one or two times a month & if they want a good relationship with you and your kids they will plug the difference

"JaneEyre70" I would hate that much involvement, not saying it is wrong but that would be too much for me and DH. I prefer your DM's approach. Also do the other GPs have as much involvement?

From what I have read I don't think OP is struggling with the new baby (congratulations by the way ) but was just assuming her DM would be more involved. Think she needs to talk to DM and see what each other's expectations are.

Maybe she resents that you live away from the rest of the family, but as someone who has had to move for work and also lifestyle, I think it is strange for people to have never moved away from where they were brought up. We are all different.

It is possible with your sister's kids being that much older that you misunderstood how much your mum was around when they were tiny babies.

It may be that Mum's help kicked in when the kids were a bit older and were able to interact with their grandparents.

As a mum of sons I suspect that when I have grandkids eventually that the dil will get to see more of her parents than me. Maybe your sil is just anxious that both sets of grandparents will be engaged in her kids lives and phrasing it badly as in needing help.

If your brother mentions it in your presence say "well if she wants the same level as I got then it will be minimal, just a couple of visits.

Sorry if I missed it but does your Mum work? If not perhaps Dad could drive her over one evening say, Wednesday and then come and stay himself on the Friday so she doesn't have to do the drive.

My parents live in another country (near my sister and her kids) nad have done for 36 years so they have never liveed in the same country as my kids. My ILs live 300 miles away so I never had these issues.

My Mum is still more involved in their lives than the ILs by skype, visist etc.

I never really wanted that much involvement from my DM or my MIL, I just found it too stressful. They're also both in their late 70s now, so we can't expect that much help anyway.

Hi everyone. OP here after a namechange.

So DS is 10 months now and nothing's really changed. She came to visit once when DS was about 5 weeks old, she drove here and said it wasn't too bad.

To be honest, I've tried to just accept that that's way it is. She invited us down to them once every couple of weeks and we have tea there and that's been that.

What's really getting to me though is that she's always going on about how's she's been to see me SIL and she says it almost like it's her job to make sure she's ok. So, when their baby was born she informed me that she needed to be 'on-call' for them. Last night my brother was away for a night and both she and my sister made sure they went in to help because it was a long time for SIL to be on her own. SIL has her own family who visit too, her Dad stayed the night and is with her today, as well as her 2 sisters and their children!

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself and just want to vent. I know I just have to accept that it is this way and that I chose to move here, I guess I'm just fed up with it being rubbed in my face all the time.

I can understand why you feel hurt, your Mother is being very insensitive. I'd not visit her as much myself. Then when she complains, tell her she's the one who doesn't visit you. Roads run in both directions and you don't live abroad, just 40 minutes away.

Thanks @Troels, I do feel a bit shit.

I'm really trying not to be immature about it and just accept that it is how it is, but I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful towards my brother and SIL because I'm constantly being reminded of it. That's daft because I've always been really close with my brother and my DH and I get on with them as a couple really well.

I think you're right, I probably need to stop running to them so much. I guess I've just always done it so that my parents have some sort of relationship with DS.

Are you Irish by any chance? As my Irish inlaws are like this- will only be nice to you if you live 2 mins away and they see it as our duty to call on them not vice versa.
I see it that you’re being ‘punished’ for living further away - it’s not right or nice. Voice your concerns to your mum again for your own sanity but then just accept they won’t change.

Ps sort her transport for her so she can’t use that as an excuse

I think that's really shitty op. You have my sympathy.

I'm sorry your still feeling rubbish about it as they haven't changed.
Just find positive in it, at least you are a confident mother who doesn't rely on family to help you all the time. Your SiL must not be confident being alone with her baby if there are constantly people around for her.

Hopefully with your baby is older it can plan whole day trips out with your parents so that once every few weeks will feel better.

I think your Mum sounds weak OP.

I suspect that she told you she'd help and visit because she didn't want to tell you to your face that she simply doesn't want to for whatever reason. Now you are calling and asking for her, she is cancelling and doing what she can to avoid coming over so you don't get used to her being around.

I don't buy the 'nervous' driver excuse either. I am sure there are lots of drivers who get nervous when they have to undertake a new journey but you simply knuckle down and do it as you know after a few times you'll get used to it.

For whatever reason, she is not as hands on / interested as you had hoped for. That is her prerogative as some have said but it is shit she couldn't have just been honest with you from the beginning.

Thanks all, your comments are making me feel better.

I'm not Irish, but it is exactly as you describe @applesandpears56. I feel like they are more interested in brother/SIL's life because it's all on their doorstep, they know a lot of their friends, they are familiar with the baby groups etc my SIL goes to, so I guess they have more on common. I'd like to think that if any of my children move away I will still take an interest in the people and activities in their lives, not ignore it just because I'm not familiar with it.

@Handsfull13 that's how I try to look at it. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, but I do think I'm quite a confident and capable mother. I'm not saying that SIL isn't, but I would say that everything with them is more of a big deal than it is with us, we seem to just get on with things whereas there always seems to be quite a bit of drama around them.

I’m sorry things haven’t improved.

My MIL lives about 90 mins away which I appreciate is some distance. I’ve never wanted or expected any help from her but visits would be good. She drives ok but again says about being a nervous driver. She hadn’t visited us in about 8 years, no exaggeration!

We now only go see her a couple of times a year. It’s a shame but me and dh are busy people and when there’s no effort in the other direction it’s hard to keep the motivation. There’s even a direct train from her town to our town and I live a minute walk from the train station!

I suppose also my visits to them will come to a natural end because we are hoping to have another DC in the not too distant future and it will be much harder to just pack up and go down there for the afternoon with a baby and a toddler. I suspect that will be the test and I think I know how it will go, but I think I've done as much as I can. It's sad isn't it.

Well why would she have to make an afford when she clicks her fingers and you obediently whizz down the road?

Start becoming less available. The baby isn't feeling well today, or whatever. Start pulling back. Lower contact. Your DS is too young to care - you are not doing it for him, you're doing it so you don't have to think about how useless a grandmother she is.

Make it apparent. Make it undeniable. The only way you can do that is to not go there for a month. Then sit back and see her get defensive. And then you don't react, just say "Yes it's a shame, but what can you do? Oh dear, he's just put something from the floor in his mouth, have to go!"