Parents won't visit new baby

[newmum7369]

This is perhaps more of a WWYD. Name changed as this could be outing but I am a frequent MN user and have posted about this previously.

A bit of background so as not to drip feed. My parents, sister and brother all live within about 2 minutes of each other. Most of my family and longstanding family friends live within another 10 minutes. Sister has 3 children (13-10 years), brother and SIL expecting first baby early September. DH and I live 40 minutes away and are committed to living here as DH runs his own business here and needs to be local.

DS1 was born 2 weeks ago today. He is perfect and healthy and DH and I are over the moon.

When I was pregnant I spoke to my mum about having concerns about her visiting me and helping out with the baby as I knew they would have a new baby on their doorstep shortly after mine was born. I was assured there would be absolutely no favouritism and that she would have ample time to visit us and help out. We've also had a similar conversation since he was born and she promised she would help out.

Now the baby is here my mum and dad visited for the first time this weekend for a couple of hours on Friday night. This visit took a huge amount of organisation and 3 previous cancelled visits. My mum is very reluctant to visit us without my dad because she doesn't want to do the driving (it's basically one road and the trickiest part is through then town they live in which she does all the time). I have invited her here a number of times since DS has been born and she makes excuses. She has never called me since he has been born to see how we are getting on, although she will ask if I call her.

My brother's baby isn't even here yet and she is showing no interest in mine unless I am prepared to bring him to her.

(In other words, if you're that 'nervous' a driver, better not to do it at all)

I thought in your op that was the first time they had seen them.

If that's the case then I dont see an issue.

Imagine if charleston or rhubarbgin were your mum!

"Mum could you come over? Me and baby would love to see you."

C and rg: "Huh? you entitled, demanding and suffocating child. I only do things for you out of duty and to get you off my back. Ask your husband. He's your family now, not me."

Nice.

Op, sorry to hear your update. It is disappointing, but it may well be they'll show more interest when he's a bit older.

Some people just don't give a fuck
Eg my baby is 6mths today and none of my husbands family have seen her or even asked if they could come visit. They've sacked off her christening too.

They did something similar but less severe last time too.

This week my mum was chatting to my eldest and told her that 'I don't think daddy has a daddy. Maybe he never had one'.

Hey ho, their loss.

My mum has visited me 3 times in the 5 years that I have been a parent, I go to her. I think that is what your mum wants too? My mum hates driving too

Oh, ffs, it helps no-one to wallow in hurt feelings. The chances that the dm's behaviour are entirely down to selfishness and lack of interest in a grandchild are low, unless this is the way the dm has always been. This is quickly becoming a competitive neediness thread - who is more pathetic and needy, the new mum or the dm who is scared to drive?... How about we all have our human frailties and need to communicate better with each other?

Hit the nail on head histinyhands

I thought the MN consensus was no visitors for 2 weeks anyway?

OP I think I would be a bit miffed and upset if my DM didn't show much interest in my PFB either. I wouldn't minimise her reluctance to drive to you though; my DM is in her early 60's and since retiring (she had a long commute everyday) seems to have a phobia of driving beyond a 5 mile radius of her home.

I haven't read your previous thread/s so not sure if there is a backstory but in your OP it seems that you have placed a lot of emphasis on her "helping" you? Is she perhaps tired and worried that going to you will entail a lot of work on her part?

Also as awful as this sounds, but your PFB is not her PFBGC. My brother had my DP's PFBGC and the excitement and enthusiasm surrounding him was quite overwhelming. He regularly stayed at weekends from a very early age and our home (I was still at home when he was born) was very much his second home. I had my PFB about 10 years later, the excitement was there but she never stayed over with them or was babysat. My DP's were tired, although still young. They didn't love my PFB any less, but they were at different stages in their lives and I fully understood that. My youngest DB had his PFB 10 years after me and lived a 20 minute flight away. He seemed to expect our DP's to jump on a plane as soon as he was born. My DP's didn't want to, they were happy enough to facetime and DB then brought the baby over to meet them when he was 4 weeks old as DP's still showed no sign of going over. In hindsight he may have construed this as them not being interested, but this was DGC no 6 for them, they are older, more tired and very happy to be supportive over the phone. That's just the way it is really.

Your neices and nephews are 1O years plus. Your dm would have had a very different level of energy 10 years ago.

Well I think it is sad.

They are obviously interested in their other DGC and a 40 min drive really isn't anything. You have been making the effort to go see them.

TBH I'd be gutted if my mum didn't wan to spend time with me and my baby.

If driving is the issue, can your DM get a bus or a train? Perhaps you could meet her with the baby, have little walk, suggest going for a coffee etc on the way back.

The 'help' phrase may have overwhelmed her if she is doing a lot for your sister and your SIL is fretting about 'help'. I know you clarified that you have used the word 'help' over interest but perhaps phrase it along the lines 'I would really live to see you, have a natter send a catch up'

I think two weeks with a new baby is difficult to judge. She may not be phoning you because she is worried about waking the baby (my DM). She may not be 'good' with babies (also my DM much more interested when they started doing things). I agree that her cancelling must be annoying, have you said 'this the 3rd time you have cancelled, I feel let down' Have you spoken to your DF if there are any other issues?

As others have said, try some of the advice offered on here and they you need to put it to one side and get on with enjoying your new baby. You should not be worrying about all this when you could be catching up on sleep.

Congratulations.
What help do you want ? Or think you need?
It's shit that your mum and dad appear uninterested in a wonderful new baby, their gc.
However you dont need them, all things being well. It's still shit and must hurt. 40 minutes away is not far. They are missing out.
Family politics is horrible and painful at times.
Sometimes it's a matter of logistics and nothing personal.

So the baby is 2 weeks old and they've seen him at least twice? That seems ok to me - it sometimes feels like grandparents can't win; they either visit too often or not enough!

It feels like a competition between you and your sil, don't let that happen. I see a lot more of one of my grandchildren than the others, but that's because they live closer. I love them all the same.

Relax and enjoy your time with your new baby.

I don't understand why people think that a second or third gc isn't as special to a gp. That's only true if the gp is a bit shit.
My brother's new baby lives abroad. My parents will have flown over 3 times in the 6 months since he's been born. I have bern once and my sister will have been once. 4th gc, 12 hour flight. So not driving for 40 minutes or phoning is beyond crap.

If my daughter or DIL asked me for help of any sort when they had just delivered a baby then I would do my absolute best to accommodate this and wouldn't fart around cancelling left right and centre. I remember those moments of just wanting someone there with no clear idea of what I wanted them to do or say.

I don't think yabu!
When my dc have their own I'll want to be round for baby snuggles and to support them and their partners in whatever way I can. I won't be throwing myself at them but if I was specifically told 'x would really like it if you'd visit or made the time to call her when dc is born' I'd do it. Because that's what family does!

I understand how you feel. My MIL lives a 5 minute drive away. Despite frequent and regular invitations, she hasn't visited us in over 10 years. When DC were small, dh and I literally begged her to visit ( I didn't drive then and the bus journey with a pushchair an a toddler was horrendous - a five minute car drive, but a minimum 45 minute bus with a longvfor a toddler, walk). She did so, reluctantly, until one of the other dils had DC, and from there on, every invitation to visit or to be included in dcs lives, turned down. Very hurtful, especially to dh. So, ff to now. My dcs are adults. They have achieved highly, some would say exceptionally so, in their education and chosen careers. They are decent people. They really are dcs to be proud of. MIL is unaware or any of this. She is not interested. Since their teens, dcs have refused to share their achievements with her, because whatever they did was always brushed off as nothing special by her. And now, they hardly bother with her. She has become the 'other'grandparent, totally by her own actions. Now her other gc have moved on in their lives and geographically, she doesn't understand why ours aren't rushing round to see her all the time. DH has reminded her several times that the relationship she now has with our dcs is the result of the relationship she chose to have when they were little.
OP, yes, it is hurtful, but in the end you cannot force her. Tell her how you feel, try to keep calm with her, keep inviting her, but ultimately, she has to want to build a close relationship with your DC and to put some effort into it. You can't do it for her.

OP how often did you see your DM before you had your baby?

How often would you like to see/ hear from your DM now?

I remember when we first had DS my MIL always managed to time her phone calls to coincide with the "witching" hour when DS was being really hard to settle, so found it much easier to phone her once DS was settled.

Maybe your DM is finding it hard to see how she will juggle all grandchildren now she is older since her first one was born.

I don't understand why people think that a second or third gc isn't as special to a gp. That's only true if the gp is a bit shit

This is the OP's DM's 4th dgc. I had nowhere near the same excitement levels with dc4 that I did with dc1. They weren't any less loved, or special though. It was just the novelty and sense of immediacy had died down a bit.

OP if this is out of character for your DM (which I suspect not considering you had already voiced your concerns pre baby) then is it possible that she may have health issues that she is hiding from you? My friend could not understand why her mother didn't jump on a plane when she had her first dc. It transpired that she had been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo, but didn't want to tell her dd before the birth

We are in the same boat. We don't live in The Shire, unlike the rest of the family, and in-laws haven't visited us for 11 years. My DCs are indifferent to them. It hurt and enraged DH and I but we've learned to live with it, and the GPS have reaped what they sowed.
Build your life in your new town, there are plenty of folk facing the same issues.

There's a reason health visitors ask questions about how much support you have when a new baby arrives. YANBU to want your mum to be interested in your baby and you and offer you support.

Help from a parent can soon turn into interfering. And what was done in "her day" might be very different from today. A helping parent can end up giving advice you don't agree with and it could lead to conflict. You'd be better off without help imo. Best to try and do it yourselves.

However it is hurtful that she doesn't seem keen to even visit. But maybe part of that is because she's expected to help. You did mention that rather a lot! Maybe she feels put upon or that she'll be taken advantage of? Why not invite her over and make it clear it's just for baby cuddles not help?

And it's only 40 minutes away. You could go and see her, and your baby could have a nice sleep in the car.

But it's only 40 mins away, so the distance can't have anything to do with it? That is no distance at all.

On another issue, I would love to be a GP so wonder if maybe there is a call for people without GC to help out with those that have GPs who don't seem to want that involvement. I think there is something called 'adopt a grandparent' I know you want your DM to take an interest but as long as your son has love and support then it doesn't matter if its a blood relation. Just a thought.