Parents won't visit new baby

[newmum7369]

This is perhaps more of a WWYD. Name changed as this could be outing but I am a frequent MN user and have posted about this previously.

A bit of background so as not to drip feed. My parents, sister and brother all live within about 2 minutes of each other. Most of my family and longstanding family friends live within another 10 minutes. Sister has 3 children (13-10 years), brother and SIL expecting first baby early September. DH and I live 40 minutes away and are committed to living here as DH runs his own business here and needs to be local.

DS1 was born 2 weeks ago today. He is perfect and healthy and DH and I are over the moon.

When I was pregnant I spoke to my mum about having concerns about her visiting me and helping out with the baby as I knew they would have a new baby on their doorstep shortly after mine was born. I was assured there would be absolutely no favouritism and that she would have ample time to visit us and help out. We've also had a similar conversation since he was born and she promised she would help out.

Now the baby is here my mum and dad visited for the first time this weekend for a couple of hours on Friday night. This visit took a huge amount of organisation and 3 previous cancelled visits. My mum is very reluctant to visit us without my dad because she doesn't want to do the driving (it's basically one road and the trickiest part is through then town they live in which she does all the time). I have invited her here a number of times since DS has been born and she makes excuses. She has never called me since he has been born to see how we are getting on, although she will ask if I call her.

My brother's baby isn't even here yet and she is showing no interest in mine unless I am prepared to bring him to her.

[Coldilox]

With all your family living so close together, do you think she is kind of punishing you for moving away? Not that 40 mins is far (we are an hour away from PIL and my lovely MIL comes over once a week to do childcare - she offered we never expected it) but if everyone else are in top of each other maybe she sees you may bing away as a kind of betrayal? Irrational obviously, but is it a possibility?

[Itsnotwhatitseems]

My DSIS used to think our DM & DF favoured my DC. I don't think they did but even now years on they make comments about how my DS (aged 28) is still my DMs favourite grandchild. My DM did say once that she loved DS like a son and the others like grandchildren, I think the issue there is I was living with them until he was 3 as my house wasn't being renovated and we run out of money when mortgages went up (1989) and so she basically helped out more just because I lived there, He was also the first boy in the family but my parents loved all 5 grandchildren. My DSIS and my DNiece do make snide comments about him being the favourite from time to time but it happened very differently to your situation.

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

Wow Charleston, do I smell some issues here?

You're talking nonsense of course.

Most mothers would be delighted to spend time with their daughters and daughters first baby. Most daughters like spending (a bit of) time with their mothers. .

[RhubardGin]

roundaboutthetown

Don't worry, it was me who called the OP entitled.

If her baby was 6 months and her DM hadn't bothered to see/phone her then fair enough, but her baby is only 2 weeks old.

I agree that 40 minutes is not a big commute but her DM is not a confident driver and perhaps thinks her DD might want some alone time with her new baby.

I think OP's expectations of her DM are unreasonable at this early stage.

[RhubardGin]

charlestonchaplin

You make some excellent points.

I think everyone is forgetting the fact that OP's baby is only 2 weeks old!

[Lelly0503]

I would be hurt if I was you OP. Your not coming across as entitled or a petulant teen. You come across as a someone who has just had thier first baby and wants some support from your mum. If my mum had only visited once and hardly called I'd be hurt too. It doesn't sound like your asking the earth, just some motherly advice and support. I guess some other posters have different views on what level of support they would expect and I guess that's all individual, however I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think you should have a gentle chat and say mum I need some advice and support from you. X

[MaltbyMaeve]

YANBU

We have a very similar situation here. Only one of my DS's four grandparents is willing to travel to spend time with him. It makes me very sad so I try not to dwell on it too much. I totally understand how you feel.

[Lelly0503]

Plus after carrying a baby for nine months and giving birth and coping with a two week old newborn, the excuse of being scared to drive wouldn't wash with me. Support your family when they need it, it's what families are for. Sounds as though the OPs mum
Drives plenty other places when it suits her.

[RandomDent]

She could at least ring her though.

[ElsieMc]

I am a grandparent to four boys. Two of them live with me and they are teenagers now - on a court order. It is not easy, the problem is the father of one of them who takes me to court regularly and threatens me but that's a whole different story. I don't resent the choices we made.

But my dd still expects me to help out with the two younger ones and I just cannot face it. It probably is favouritism and perhaps I am unfair. She is expecting me to have my 10 year old gs next week because he is disappointed he has not been to stay. However when I visited on Friday, he could not even be bothered to say Hello to me or even come downstairs. The baby is lovely but it is all too much.

My own mum never helped me at the baby stage. She was very 1950s housewife who thought everyone should use terry nappies etc. She gave no help at all when my girls were young but as they grew older, she helped out when I did pt work. My girls loved her, they accepted her eccentricities (rudeness!) and have very fond memories of staying with her which they still talk about. I guess my point is that different people are better at different stages in your child's life.

I don't get why your sil is fussing about "help". It sounds as though she wants an au pair. Is her own dm not available? It all sounds a bit competitive.

I can totally understand your disappointment op. fwiw, my late df said he did not want to visit me when I had my first baby, but ended up a nuisance at the hospital, chatting away to everyone. Sometimes people cannot judge how they will feel, he misjudged how happy the baby made him. Your dm has also misjudged what she feels she can and cannot do.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Just invite your parents to come for a cuppa. No need to refer to help. No need to make this a competition with your SIL. You want to build a relationship with your baby's grandmother and that's the only thing to worry about here.

Congratulations on your new baby

[RadioGaGoo]

So DM is a nervous driver so posters are advising the OP, who has just had a baby, to drive to see her for 40 minutes. So much empathy for the 'poor DM', but nothing for the new Mum OP. Some off you are just pathetic in your responses. So the OP wants her Mum to help her out with the new baby, why is that such a problem for some of you? It's a lovely way for everyone to bond.

[ilovegin112]

Maybe dm has been on here and seen the countless threads about peoples parents and pil bothering them when babies are born, how the idea of family turning up is abhorrent

[RadioGaGoo]

Jesus. I think people really overuse the word 'entitled'.

[Bumdishcloths]

Also, if OP had PND would you all be so quick to tell her she's expecting too much? Nobody really knows the OP's family dynamic/personal situation etc etc so being anything other than kind and gentle with her at this stage is really unnecessary. It takes nothing to be pleasant and reassuring, rather like it takes nothing to be good mannered.

[Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed]

Have you visited your parents with the baby?

[maggienolia]

I feel for you OP especially in the early days.
My DP's often made plans, got my DD excited and cancelled on the day. It's one of the reasons that we stopped planning things with them. And we rarely see them now.
As an aside, remember these times when she gets older and needs help herself.

[RadioGaGoo]

Demanding and suffocating? HOW does the OP sound like that?

[timeisnotaline]

I would be hurt too. My mum is partially in a wheelchair and booked flights to the U.K. from australia as soon as she knew we were having a baby. That seems normal to me! Although I did draw the line when she finely chopped up my dinner so I could eat one handed . Of course the op is upset. The staying the night suggestion is a good one, although most people have a longer than 40 minute commute every day so it is a pathetic excuse (whether df has to drive or not). I suppose I would make sure I didn't phrase it as helping, call a few times inclusing to ask her opinion or share things e.g. I was quite scared if bathing my baby, so it's clear you want her input. Then If she cancels a few times again I think id just say look you've cancelled 3 times, I'm sorry you don't really want to visit, I didn't mean to pressure you, give me a call if you do want to. and back right off. And have a rage in the privacy of your home because no that isn't normal mum behaviour. Of course also if sil said anything about equal treatment I don't think I could stop myself from being very petty and saying that will be easy, she will have lots of free time by not visiting either of us.

[ittakes2]

I know you think it's not a problem but it sounds like your mum might have issues with the drive. It's a red flag she wants your dad to drive her. My mother'n'law drives locally but kept avoiding driving to her brother's for more than a year until she confessed she's become uncomfortable driving longer distances due to changes in her eyesight. I think she had not wanted to mention it earlier as she didn't want to look like she was losing some of her abilities.

[Queenioqueenio]

Why is your SIL trying to demand your mothers time and get assurances upfront? This seems really odd to me.
A PP has hit the nail on the head and said it is really competitive of you both.
I bet your mother feels really torn if you are both pressurising her like this.
Also she will be 13yrs older than when your sister has her first - dependent on how old she is now that's a long time, people slow down as they age. I've seen it with my Dm and my youngests brothers kids.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

I'm another one who doesn't get the expectations of 'help' that are so frequently voiced on here. OP, you can feel hurt, of course, but you can't make your mother show an interest or be 'fair'.

However, actions have consequences, as does inaction. It is entirely up to you to decide the degree to which you are prepared to put yourself out for her, now or in the future, e.g. as regards Christmas, Mother's Day et al.

[Mumteadumpty]

Maybe she's fine being with DS's children because they are older.
Not everyone is comfortable round babies, maybe she had PND herself and didn't have a good experience.
I don't blame you OP for wishing you had more help, but I don't think you are going to get it right now.

[newmum7369]

Yes we've visited them with the baby. Actually they cancelled one of their visits because they said well we saw him when you were at our house so we'll come another time.

I'm perfectly happy to take him to their house but I'd like them to come here a bit as well. I'm worried that if I take him there too often they will never come here and it will be impossible to reverse, however if I don't take him they don't see him. Maybe they just aren't as bothered about seeing him as I thought they'd be.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

(I do think the 'nervous driver' stuff is a little bit pathetic, though. I know perfectly well I would be a 'nervous driver', so I spare myself and other road users that and don't drive, never have. I make sure I walk or get public transport to where I need to go and rely minimally on lifts)