Parents won't visit new baby

[newmum7369]

This is perhaps more of a WWYD. Name changed as this could be outing but I am a frequent MN user and have posted about this previously.

A bit of background so as not to drip feed. My parents, sister and brother all live within about 2 minutes of each other. Most of my family and longstanding family friends live within another 10 minutes. Sister has 3 children (13-10 years), brother and SIL expecting first baby early September. DH and I live 40 minutes away and are committed to living here as DH runs his own business here and needs to be local.

DS1 was born 2 weeks ago today. He is perfect and healthy and DH and I are over the moon.

When I was pregnant I spoke to my mum about having concerns about her visiting me and helping out with the baby as I knew they would have a new baby on their doorstep shortly after mine was born. I was assured there would be absolutely no favouritism and that she would have ample time to visit us and help out. We've also had a similar conversation since he was born and she promised she would help out.

Now the baby is here my mum and dad visited for the first time this weekend for a couple of hours on Friday night. This visit took a huge amount of organisation and 3 previous cancelled visits. My mum is very reluctant to visit us without my dad because she doesn't want to do the driving (it's basically one road and the trickiest part is through then town they live in which she does all the time). I have invited her here a number of times since DS has been born and she makes excuses. She has never called me since he has been born to see how we are getting on, although she will ask if I call her.

My brother's baby isn't even here yet and she is showing no interest in mine unless I am prepared to bring him to her.

[SEsofty]

Maybe you should have a specific conversation about what you expect. Eg I would like to see you once a week.

You say baby is two weeks old, and I assume your partner took paternity leave. I wouldn't expect more than one visit in the first fortnight. Or phonecall more than once a week

[shakeyourcaboose]

Hi OP hearing you from an almost opposite view but definitely favouritism in my family! Live 5 mins from DP and they have seen DC about 5 times in this 15months of life and that's only if we go to them. On other hand they will go and spend ages with my sibling and DC despite it being a 4hr drive including providing childcare to allow weekends away. I asked for help just for a few hours respite to sleep and was told no. I fully understand that we choose to have babies but it's disparity! Our DC are months apart in age so its not like a baby vs independent older child.

[shakeyourcaboose]

*the disparity

[WhatEaglesWear]

Congratulations on your new baby OP!

I think you are being U for expecting 'help' from your mother. Your main source of help should be your dh. Everyone else will mainly be expecting to visit for a cuddle with the baby.

You need to crack on and enjoy this time and getting used to life with your new family. You do live quite far away and it is BU to expect the same amount of visits as other family who live closer.

I'm speaking as someone who lived 2 hours away from the nearest family when I had my dc!

[roundaboutthetown]

Your baby is only 2 weeks old. Just how much visiting did you expect already? How often have you taken the baby down to see your mum during this time? At 2 weeks, there isn't a huge amount of time required if all you want is for your dm to "get to know" your dd. At 2 weeks, your dd will mostly just be eating, sleeping and pooing...

Is your sister who has much older children than you, much older, or was she a very young mum? Do you really expect your mum, who is now 13 years older than she was when the first grandchild arrived, to put even more energy now into grandparenting her two existing grandchildren plus two new grandchildren who are all living in different locations and are different ages? Surely you have to expect her to be spread more thinly and be more tired?

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

One visit in two weeks for her daughter's first child? And she lives 40 mins away?

And people feel op is unreasonable in expecting more?

I find that sad.

[mogulfield]

I'd be upset Op, 40 mins is nothing a lot of people commute more than that every day.
I am also upset my parents haven't bothered with mine, no advice to give but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[newmum7369]

Thanks for all your replies so far. I think I've tried everything that has been suggested so I probably just need to sit tight now and see what happens over the next few weeks.

I know that having a baby was our decision and no one else should be relied on, but I think because my mum was so heavily involved with my sisters children I thought I might at least get a few phone calls to ask how it was going in the first few weeks, even if it wasn't possible/necessary/convenient for her to visit. Having discussed it with her it really hurts that she'd be on hand to help out with SILs baby, which isn't even born yet, when I've made it clear (in a nice way) that I've felt a bit forgotten about by her.

[roundaboutthetown]

Have you said to your mum you would like her to visit more? She may be not wanting to tread on toes - not all dhs appreciate regular visits from mils.

[maddening]

Ucould she come and stay over a couple of nights, then you can get loads of quality mum and daughter time as well as gp time with dc

[shakeyourcaboose]

Ahh the ever old PFB argument! Think that's my siblings argument too- 'i had first GC therefore I am the most important'

[RhubardGin]

Your baby is only 2 weeks old! Give your mum a break.

I'm not sure what "help" you were expecting

Your DM will be just as close to your DC as she is to her other DGC but if she's living 40 minutes away and not a confident driver of course she may see you less often.

You're only 2 weeks in and already complaining that your DM isn't seeing you/baby enough or helping out. You should be spending that time bonding with your new family.

Sorry to use the E word but...you're coming across as a little bit entitled.

[Wormulonian]

drinkingtea I agree. My parents would get a flight to go visit the "golden child" and her DC multiple times a year but would never see my brother's DC unless he took them to visit and he only lives a 30 minute drive away. They have never ever visited me and my DC - a shorter flight away!

[user7841794168]

Have you asked her if everything is OK? I wonder if there is some problem that is getting in the way of her driving over - confidence, anxiety, money worries, a problem with your SIL or whatever?

Congrats on your new son.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Surely the SIL has her own dm who will be there for her in the first few weeks. Or is your dm thinking SILs dm wont be there because she lives 40+ minutes away.

I think atm your dm has everything on her doorstep so visiting new gc means she has to put zero effort in. When she has to put a little effort in like driving 40 minutes to visit her own dd and her new gc she cant be arsed.

I think it us different if you don't have parents or family to help out you don't expect it and your attitude is different. But when your dm says she will visit and she cancels 3 times then yes I would be mightily pissed off.

I would leave an open invitation and then give up asking her to visit and see how long it takes before she misses you.

How is your MIL does she visit and if so how far away does she live

[WhatEaglesWear]

I would also add, you will NEVER get these precious moments with your first born ever again. If you have another child, you won't get the same space and peace to enjoy it, as mostly likely you'll be run ragged after an older child/toddler.

Don't let this time be spoiled by obsessing over who should be doing what, visiting, helping, driving to see you etc!

[Underthemoonlight]

Your dm might have been more hands on with your DSis dc because they were the only gc at the time so she didn't have to spread herself with others and she would have been considerably younger when they were baby's 10-13years is considerably a long time in terms of health.

[roundaboutthetown]

Why do you want your dm to phone you? What's the problem with you phoning her if you want to speak? Unlike her, you know when it's convenient to talk - if she phoned when you were trying to get the baby to sleep, or having a quick nap yourself to make up for the broken nights, it would be irritating, surely?! Why imagine your dm's behaviour is down to a lack of interest! Either there is a massive history of favouritism in the family or you are being unnecessarily negative.

[BeepBeepMOVE]

Your mum sounds a bit lame tbh.

40 minutes is not far at all, that would be seen as a short commute in London.

You either have to have an honest conversation and say how upset you are about her lack of interest or just leave it.

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

expecting your mum to be interested in your first baby = entitled.

Fortunately I've never met anyone with those views in rl.

Most mothers are delighted to spend time with their daughters over this period.

[Underthemoonlight]

How old is your dm out of interest?

[Orangebird69]

Yanbu OP. I'd be hurt too. My DM is about 30 mins or so away from me. We do go over to hers most of the time but that's because she has animals and a less mobile dh to consider. But if I ask her to come over for a specific reason, she'd come over. 40 mins is nothing in a car. If people are nervous of a pretty simple journey then imo they shouldn't be on the road.

[Bumdishcloths]

'Either there is a massive history of favouritism here if you're being unnecessarily negative'

Or, perhaps, JUST MAYBE, OP has a two week old baby, a lot of hormones and unexpected feelings of abandonment, and just wants her fucking mum.

Why is everyone being so harsh? Calling OP entitled etc? If you heard that a third party was calling a brand new mother entitled and selfish for wanting to see her mum a bit more often you'd all be the first to drop on them like a ton of bricks.

[roundaboutthetown]

I haven't called the OP entitled at all, just pointed out that unless there is a history of favouritism, she is being unnecessarily negative to think her dm has no interest in her baby.

[charlestonchaplin]

My mum doesn't owe me much, if anything. She loves and cares for me and invests her time and energy in me because I do the same for her. And she knows I do it because I love her, not because I want any thing from her.

Some of you sound like you've never grown out of your first world petulant teen mentality. If you just focussed on building a relationship that is about love and not about what you can get, you would probably see the difference.

OP: You live 40 minutes away from your mother who has always been nervous about making the trip. She has a lot of family, including grandchildren who are close to where she lives, so that is where her focus is. Then she has two of you badgering her to make promises to 'help', whatever that means. If you could have made her sign a contract, you would have! She doesn't call you much because she's afraid it will turn into another, 'When are you coming?' call.

You sound demanding and suffocating, and it is difficult to see how any interest in you now will be anything other than done from a sense of duty, to get you off her back, rather than from free will and love.