Parents won't visit new baby

[newmum7369]

This is perhaps more of a WWYD. Name changed as this could be outing but I am a frequent MN user and have posted about this previously.

A bit of background so as not to drip feed. My parents, sister and brother all live within about 2 minutes of each other. Most of my family and longstanding family friends live within another 10 minutes. Sister has 3 children (13-10 years), brother and SIL expecting first baby early September. DH and I live 40 minutes away and are committed to living here as DH runs his own business here and needs to be local.

DS1 was born 2 weeks ago today. He is perfect and healthy and DH and I are over the moon.

When I was pregnant I spoke to my mum about having concerns about her visiting me and helping out with the baby as I knew they would have a new baby on their doorstep shortly after mine was born. I was assured there would be absolutely no favouritism and that she would have ample time to visit us and help out. We've also had a similar conversation since he was born and she promised she would help out.

Now the baby is here my mum and dad visited for the first time this weekend for a couple of hours on Friday night. This visit took a huge amount of organisation and 3 previous cancelled visits. My mum is very reluctant to visit us without my dad because she doesn't want to do the driving (it's basically one road and the trickiest part is through then town they live in which she does all the time). I have invited her here a number of times since DS has been born and she makes excuses. She has never called me since he has been born to see how we are getting on, although she will ask if I call her.

My brother's baby isn't even here yet and she is showing no interest in mine unless I am prepared to bring him to her.

[househunthappening]

I did cry to her once on the phone about a week after DS was born when they kept cancelling - she told me I was just hormonal which probably says it all!

[JuicySwan]

I agree with red dress ^^

[reddressblueshoes]

Have you considered letting yourself flip out and shout at her/cry in front of her, make it very clear that what she's doing is totally unfair and making you feel unloved and unsupported? It sounds like your DB has always been v vocal about his needs, you've always been v capable and they've sort of allowed you to take charge of managing your relationship.

If you were actually to lose that control a bit, ring them some time you're feeling upset about it and actually spell out: you are playing favourites, you make me feel like you don't love me and my child as much, like you would bother even less if I didn't lead the effort- at least it would all be out on the table.

V different situation but I had a friend who I had always been the supportive one too, it was v unequal. And one day she did something selfish that was the final straw and I raised my voice and was really clear as to why I was pissed off. It completely freaked her out and changed her attitude and was actually quite healthy, though unintentional.

[greendale17]

Mums help and support should last a lifetime, if I couldn't be there to support my adult child when she needs me the most and see my grandchild, well, I think I'd fail at being a mum.

^I agree

[diddl]

It's all very well posters saying that a 40 min drive is nothing, but if Op's mother daren't do it then it doesn't matter.

That doesn't explain why they would be nearby & not drop in though (if Op's dad was driving at that point).

Do you think that your mum does what your SIL wants to make sure she isn't cut out? (if that might happen?)

It seems to be a case of those asking for help/seeming not to cope get the help.

[househunthappening]

@Justineshouse (DS would love your username!) your situation sounds just like mine but even more extreme, for you.

I do think that I am perceived as the capable one. Brother is 8 years older than me but could be described as a late developer. Didn't move out until he was 30, didn't meet SIL until early 30's, works for my parents but they are always complaining about his work ethic, lateness, commitment etc. SIL is very laid back, and although she's done very well in her chosen career you wouldn't say ether of then really stretch themselves. I met DH in my early 20's, in the 8 years we've been together we've bought a house, paid off the mortgage, got married, both have good jobs in respected professions, had DS, just generally got on with it. I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong and everyone is different course, but just trying to paint a picture and look at how my parents my perceive things.

On top of that, I also would say they think DS is an easier baby. I wouldn't disagree with this but I guess that adds to the mindset that we will just get on with it and look after ourselves.

[Justineshouse]

Your situation is similar to mine. I moved away from my home town about 7 years ago. My parents have visited me twice during that time. I also live 40 mins away. They only see DD if we go to them. They're currently complaining thay they haven't seen dd since March, yet won't come here.

I wonder if you're perceived the same as I am in my family. I'm very much thought of as being the sensible/capable one. I don't think it even occurs to my parents that dd can be hard work at times and that I could ocassionally do with some support. However, they assume my db and dsis struggle so constantly give help to them with their children. The galling point for me was when we asked months on advance if they could look after dd overnight so we could go to a wedding. They agreed, seemed very excited about spending time with dd then the night before cancelled because they needed to look after my dn. Apparently my db and sil were really tired and needed a break. My parents by that point were looking after dn once during the week (even though sil was on maternity leave) and regulalrly having dn overnight. My dd was 11 months old, i'd spent every single day and night with her since she was born. Dp had to go to the wedding alone as by this point PIL were unavailable. Still so angry with my parents about this, especially as i discovered via facebook that db and sil had gone to a party that night

[ElspethFlashman]

But how do you get constant reminders? Is it when you go and schlep down the road to hers every other week? Fuck that. Sitting there listening to that when you're the one that's made the effort to even be there and all your MIL has to do is put on deodorant to see your child FFS.

You need to start reframing your definition of family. Cos they are not primary family. They are secondary family, and should be treated as such.

She gets as much visitation as some separated fathers. It's ridiculous.

[Grammarist]

Oh OP- I think you're perfectly within your rights to feel hurt. A 40 minute journey is nothing, especially as she drives 30 mins to town. If she's worried then there are such things as buses!
My Mum often did a 5+ hr drive or cane on the train to see my babies.

I think you keep inviting her over for visits - just don't mention 'help' and see what happens.

On the flip side - not having her input could potentially be a good thing. I know that if my in-laws had lived nearer, I would have found keeping breastfeeding very hard as they constantly tried to undermine it whenever I was feeding/trying to sort out matching issues (due to a lack of understanding as she formula fed plus a selfish desire to cuddle the babies constantly so I could 'rest')

[yikesanotherbooboo]

I think you are entitled to feel hurt.
I don't think it is about help ; more about thoughtlessness. Do they genuinely not realise how the situation seems to you? They might think you are the coper as said by a pp. tell them.

[househunthappening]

@birdonawire1 if you read a bit more of the thread you'll see that I corrected my use of the work help to support and interest.

I manage just fine with DS, it's having my nose rubbed in the amount of effort they put in with my brother/SIL's baby that I'm struggling with. I've said in the thread that I've tried to just accept that it is the way it is and get on with it, but their constant reminders make it very difficult. For context, their baby is 5 weeks younger than mine.

[birdonawire1]

Your sisters children are much older now so my bet is your mum has had enough of ‘helping’ out and just wants to be a normal grandma. Anyway, why do you need someone to help. It’s your first baby so it’s not like you have two other children to look after. I never had help and didn’t need it and I’m far from a supermum

[househunthappening]

Thanks @Buggeredpelvicfloor2013, sorry you're in a similar position.

That's just it, it's not the help as such, it's sharing such an important thing with the people who should care.

Like I said in my update, I have just accepted that this is the way it is because I don't want to spoil the time I have with my small children by feeling resentful. What makes it hard is that I feel like they are rubbing salt in the wound by telling me how they've been supporting SIL whenever I see them, like they have a duty to her because she's on their doorstep but not to me because I'm 40 minutes up the road.

Just for the record, I really like SIL and I'm really happy that they've got their much loved and long awaited DS!

[Buggeredpelvicfloor2013]

It's not so much about help, it's the 'support' that was promised, mentally sometimes you just need someone who's been there and knows. Things like having someone to talk to about experiences. Someone to give you a cuddle when you find it hard. And above all else it's that you want, expect, your parents to care as much about that amazing little person as you do. And when they don't it's hard. I don't have my parents but my in laws are still here and live less than 10 mins away. They sometimes go weeks without seeing our children (a 4 year old and 4 month old) and it breaks my heart. We pulled them up on their priorities once and asked whether we could help free them time up. They said that between juggling their part time jobs, nights at friends houses and holidays it's hard. We have no support and it always seems to be us asking if they want to come round or can we come to them. We've never asked for anything from them and now never will. The hurt when people who should be there aren't at the most important times in your life doesn't go away but you just get stronger from it. They are the ones missing out on seeing the baby grow and the bonds that form.

I completely understand you and send love because its hard. ❤️

[applesandpears56]

Yes don’t move closer for them it won’t change anything

[KC225]

I am sorry there has been no change. How hurtful. What was your response when your Father told you we nearly popped in, it would have been an ideal time to say 'I wish you would have come over. I feel sad that you never visit. I would love you both to come over more'

Could your DH have a word. Say that you feel forgotten and left out. Do they see you as the 'capable' one who doesn't need any help. Can he reiterate, it's not help but support. Say that you worry about DS not knowing his grandparents as well as his nieces and nephews.

I fail to see how a 40 minute journey without a border crossing or passport/visa checkpoint can be such an obstacle. All of my jobs have included longer commutes. Ask outright if it is journey. Could your Dad sit in the back of the car and do the journey with her a few times until she gets used to it.

The only other sticking point is why is she shunting you towards the MIL. That seems strange, were you close to your MIL and your parents felt a bit pushed out. The ask your MIL comment about breast feeding was hurtful unless MIL is a Health Visitor or a pediatrics nurse.

[Juells]

Yes, you have your own family and social group now, and that's what you should be focused on, unfortunately.

[seven201]

I think you need to have a frank conversation. Say you're hurt that they (it's not just your mum, your dad is crap too) aren't making an effort. Yes it will be a shit conversation but you're growing more resentful.

My mum died 2 years before my dd arrived. I am resentful that my dad doesn't visit much as I know if my mum were still alive they'd have both been visiting lots, like they did for my sisters (who also live a few hours away). My mum would have helped but my dad doesn't, but at least he comes sometimes. My pil are good at visiting us (they're an hour away and don't like journeys but do it anyway). Your parents are being crap.

[househunthappening]

@Makemineboozefree no, but well spotted!

We'll be moving within about 10 minutes from where we are. Could be 10 minutes closer, could be 10 minutes further. I used to think maybe we should try to aim for 10 minutes closer but I don't think it would make any difference.

The village I'd love to live (we have friends there, DS goes to toddler group there, just generally a nice place to be) is 10 minutes further away and if a good house came up there I'd go for it in a heartbeat. It would be stupid to buy a house marginally closer to them because it won't make a difference.

[Makemineboozefree]

Um, you've name-changed to househunthappening, OP? (Your comments are no longer highlighted.) Does that mean you're thinking of moving closer to your family?

[Sleephead1]

it sounds very hard . My parents are very involved but we live close by but I know even if we lived 40 mins away they would still come a lot. My in laws live close but are not interested if we go to them it's fine but if not we don't see them. I would be very hurt on your situation especially with them being so involved in your sisters and brothers children. I honestly think you need to speak to them and tell them exactly how you feel and it doesn't matter if you get upset they need to know. I think what ever happens you will feel better telling them how you feel rather than not and resenting it and always wondering if you had spoken out would it have been different. They are your family and I do think it's best just to be honest about how you feel. Good luck

[ARoomSomewhere]

I agree with both Callanetics (re a parent should always be interested)
and Rain (re you cant make someone interested / care)

OP it is very poor of your Mum not to phone.
The drive / SIL is a red herring. She is simply not trying, sorry.

CONGRATUATIONS ON YOUR LOVELY NEW DS!!!

[Mascarponeandwine]

How old is she?

Neither my mother nor MIL would drive outside of their comfort zone (which is about a 2 mile radius from home). They were of the generation where the husbands did all the ‘important’ driving and they just pottered. They would be incredulous to think that someone would have even the idea that they should get a grip, steel themselves and learn to drive 40 minutes away.

Partly as a result of this very small world of existence, they would also have prattled on about what they do for their closer grandchildren, without even considering that it could be hurtful. It was that older person “this is what’s going on in my (pretty narrow) life” offload, which also included lots of detail about people I didn’t know.

It doesn’t sound to me like your mum is being intentionally horrible, it sounds like a combination of nervousness, head in sand and obliviousness.

I accepted it as it was, but on the other hand i controlled when and how often we visited, got it all on my own terms. I have also been guarded about my own boundaries years later when they needed help. It works both ways. I don’t think you can change it though., just adapt what you’ve been given into something that works ok for you.

[househunthappening]

They are in their 60's and extremely active and able for their age.

Dad is the same. In fact, he told me when we visited last weekend that he had been in my town that week and thought about calling in but didn't because he was facing the wrong way (heading back to their home). I thought that was a bit crap, it would have taken less than 5 minutes to turn back on the dual carriage way and come to mine.

[ScrubTheDecks]

My mum came on a 3 hour train and tube journey every 3 weeks when mine were small, so keen was she to spend time with her Gc.

Wild horses wouldn’t have stopped her driving 40 mins.

Your family do sound quite tribal and clannish, living so close etc so she may see it that you have ‘left’ to your ILs. She may have meant, by helping out, that you would drive over and leave the baby with her.

Can you tell her you feel sad she isn’t visiting you more? Or ask how she has seen it working out in practice?