Parents won't visit new baby

[newmum7369]

This is perhaps more of a WWYD. Name changed as this could be outing but I am a frequent MN user and have posted about this previously.

A bit of background so as not to drip feed. My parents, sister and brother all live within about 2 minutes of each other. Most of my family and longstanding family friends live within another 10 minutes. Sister has 3 children (13-10 years), brother and SIL expecting first baby early September. DH and I live 40 minutes away and are committed to living here as DH runs his own business here and needs to be local.

DS1 was born 2 weeks ago today. He is perfect and healthy and DH and I are over the moon.

When I was pregnant I spoke to my mum about having concerns about her visiting me and helping out with the baby as I knew they would have a new baby on their doorstep shortly after mine was born. I was assured there would be absolutely no favouritism and that she would have ample time to visit us and help out. We've also had a similar conversation since he was born and she promised she would help out.

Now the baby is here my mum and dad visited for the first time this weekend for a couple of hours on Friday night. This visit took a huge amount of organisation and 3 previous cancelled visits. My mum is very reluctant to visit us without my dad because she doesn't want to do the driving (it's basically one road and the trickiest part is through then town they live in which she does all the time). I have invited her here a number of times since DS has been born and she makes excuses. She has never called me since he has been born to see how we are getting on, although she will ask if I call her.

My brother's baby isn't even here yet and she is showing no interest in mine unless I am prepared to bring him to her.

[NotARegularPenguin]

It also gets harder for us to visit as dd has got older (teenager now). She has clubs, activities, friends at weekends.

[househunthappening]

You're right @ElspethFlashman. I think I'm probably scared that if I back off our relationship will dwindle more, but I know that's not my fault. It's hard to make that break but I think I've reached a point where I probably have to.

[AJPTaylor]

ok. this might not apply to you but in my experience with dhs family.
he was youngest. therefore we had kids after the rest of them. between a 10 and 20 year age gap. we had put a lot of time into our neices and nephews, treats and parties and baby sitting. we loved it. his parents were lovely grandparents.
all i can say is that we didnt reap what we sowed. his parents were older and to some extent had done their grandparenting.
i made peace with it but you might want to give it some thought.

[CheshireSplat]

OP I find your DM's behaviour really hard to understand. Have you asked her why she is treating you and SIL so differently (sorry if I've missed this in an update)?

[SlowDown76mph]

That's incredibly hurtful. But, you can't make people behave in the way you might wish them to. I'd probably be inclined to mirror her behaviour back at her and withdraw, keeping my focus firmly on building and enjoying my 'own' family.

[househunthappening]

@AJPTaylor yes this applies to a degree. My sisters 3 children are also the apple of my eye, spent loads of time with them when they were small and I loved at 'home', had them to stay when I moved here, loved it and still do. Sister has visited us twice since DS has been born, once when he was a few days old and once since. When we are at my parents my mum is besotted with DS, she's just not interested in coming here.

But I guess they just think they won't bother because I'll go down there. I definitely think they think it's my duty to visit them because I'm the only one who isn't immediately near by. The sad thing is I think I believe that too, so my mindset needs to change too.

[househunthappening]

@CheshireSplat i haven't asked directly since both babies have been here, though I've given enough indication that I feel aggrieved that we've been treated differently. To be honest, she is well aware of it, it's like an elephant in the room. She probably doesn't address it because she knows she's wrong, I don't address it because it makes me upset I suppose. I need to though.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

How do they get on with your DH? Are they avoiding him?

I’d not visit for a bit and if she complains say “it’s your turn Mum”.

[Fraying]

I think apples is right. When you decided to move close to your PILs, your family thought the PILs would become your support network and that you had actively chosen them over your own family.
There are lots of families where they offer support to those nearby but if you choose to move out of that orbit/location then you're not involved in the same way. It's a shame that you didn't realise your family were like that before you moved away.

[Usernameunknown2]

Op you said you and dh often do the visiting, before baby was born were you already feeling it was a bit one sided with them not so bothered? Were you close when you lived closer?

Yanbu. It sounds like your mum and dad are far more invested in the geographically closer family. I think cancelling their visit because you were coming to them at a later date is quite dismissive. Its not on for you to have to make all the effort calling either. If you didnt, would they call you?

[FASH84]

OP it's sad your mum doesn't seem interested, even if not visiting this think she'd call etc. Do you get much help from DP? You seem to focus on your mum helping you when you're having difficulty but where's DP in that. There are also plenty of posts about GMs being too involved, so I think being clear about what you'd like is important. Baby is only two weeks old and they've been to visit once and you say they were interested when you took him to them, so you've seen them at least twice in two weeks, they might not want to interfere.

[househunthappening]

@FASH84 baby is 10 months now and it's still the same. I posted earlier on but I've name changed, so you might to have seen it :-)

[Juells]

Can your mother stay overnight when she visits? My younger daughter lives an hour away and I found I was finding reasons not to visit because it was an hour there and an hour back (usually in rush hour) for a couple of hurried hours in the middle where DD is too busy to chat. Add in the fact that my car is ancient so I'm a bit nervous on the motorway in case it dies a death. Nowadays I try to go once a week and stay overnight. it makes everything much easier and more relaxed all round.

[househunthappening]

@TestingTestingWonTooFree they get on great with DH. They actually know DH's family really well because his mum grew up near to my parents and they have known his dad through business for years. They have probably know my parents in law for about 40 odd years and know their families etc, so there's a connection there. Not that this matters if I had, but I haven't married a complete stranger who they knew nothing about.

DH is a director of his families' business, which is why we are limited to this area. My parents also run their own business, so I guess I always thought they'd appreciate why we've settled here and be supportive etc.

[DinosApple]

I'd feel let down too OP. You aren't being entitled.

[Drchinnery]

Neither my parents or my in-laws have bothered since he was 3 weeks to visit. My parents live 10 mins away and in-laws 50 mins. They expect me to keep taking him there and I won't, as it isn't always easy so they're missing out not us. I don't feel I need their help with anything, yes I would like them to be involved but if they can't be bothered then that's their problem. Its a shame but i'd rather put time and effort into my son than forcing relationships with people who can't be bothered with him!

[Makemineboozefree]

What's your relationship like with your MIL, OP? Can she give you the practical and emotional support you need right now if she lives that much closer? Incidentally, how has your mum been with your DS when she has seen him - lots of cuddles and cooing and happy to hold him, or is she a bit detached? If it's the latter, you might have to face up to your DM never being the kind of hands-on granny you want her to be - as PP have said, she might not simply have the energy to deal with a newborn the way she did with your sister's children ten years ago.

[Nanny0gg]

How old is the GP?

Unless they’re in their dotage age is not a factor in being able to visit.

[CloudCaptain]

It is a shame. 40mins drive is not far at all. My d'm lives 2hr drive away, pil 4hrs away and siblings/ sil 4hrs + to the four corners of the UK. Back in the 80's when I grew up all our family lived in the same town so I'm always a bit sad that the dc don't see family members so often. We would also appreciate a babysitter now and then but it's never gonna happen.
In your shoes I think I would make a stand and tell your parents how upset you are. You have nothing to lose really. I doubt it would change anything but at least you are not stewing in your thoughts.

[househunthappening]

My mum is besotted with DS when we take him to her. And I mean besotted. She just won't come here.

I posted an update in the thread shortly after my OP that it isn't help as such that I want, it's more that I want her and my dad to care about seek. DS enough to make the journey 40 minutes to see him. I get on pretty well with MIL, but she's not my mum if you see what I mean. For example, in the early days we really struggled with breastfeeding and my mum just ignored all my please for help - she actually suggested I ask MIL for help. That sort of thing I just wouldn't feel comfortable with MIL about, although we get on fine.

[ScrubTheDecks]

My mum came on a 3 hour train and tube journey every 3 weeks when mine were small, so keen was she to spend time with her Gc.

Wild horses wouldn’t have stopped her driving 40 mins.

Your family do sound quite tribal and clannish, living so close etc so she may see it that you have ‘left’ to your ILs. She may have meant, by helping out, that you would drive over and leave the baby with her.

Can you tell her you feel sad she isn’t visiting you more? Or ask how she has seen it working out in practice?

[househunthappening]

They are in their 60's and extremely active and able for their age.

Dad is the same. In fact, he told me when we visited last weekend that he had been in my town that week and thought about calling in but didn't because he was facing the wrong way (heading back to their home). I thought that was a bit crap, it would have taken less than 5 minutes to turn back on the dual carriage way and come to mine.

[Mascarponeandwine]

How old is she?

Neither my mother nor MIL would drive outside of their comfort zone (which is about a 2 mile radius from home). They were of the generation where the husbands did all the ‘important’ driving and they just pottered. They would be incredulous to think that someone would have even the idea that they should get a grip, steel themselves and learn to drive 40 minutes away.

Partly as a result of this very small world of existence, they would also have prattled on about what they do for their closer grandchildren, without even considering that it could be hurtful. It was that older person “this is what’s going on in my (pretty narrow) life” offload, which also included lots of detail about people I didn’t know.

It doesn’t sound to me like your mum is being intentionally horrible, it sounds like a combination of nervousness, head in sand and obliviousness.

I accepted it as it was, but on the other hand i controlled when and how often we visited, got it all on my own terms. I have also been guarded about my own boundaries years later when they needed help. It works both ways. I don’t think you can change it though., just adapt what you’ve been given into something that works ok for you.

[ARoomSomewhere]

I agree with both Callanetics (re a parent should always be interested)
and Rain (re you cant make someone interested / care)

OP it is very poor of your Mum not to phone.
The drive / SIL is a red herring. She is simply not trying, sorry.

CONGRATUATIONS ON YOUR LOVELY NEW DS!!!

[Sleephead1]

it sounds very hard . My parents are very involved but we live close by but I know even if we lived 40 mins away they would still come a lot. My in laws live close but are not interested if we go to them it's fine but if not we don't see them. I would be very hurt on your situation especially with them being so involved in your sisters and brothers children. I honestly think you need to speak to them and tell them exactly how you feel and it doesn't matter if you get upset they need to know. I think what ever happens you will feel better telling them how you feel rather than not and resenting it and always wondering if you had spoken out would it have been different. They are your family and I do think it's best just to be honest about how you feel. Good luck