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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents won't visit new baby

195 replies

newmum7369 · 13/08/2017 07:15

This is perhaps more of a WWYD. Name changed as this could be outing but I am a frequent MN user and have posted about this previously.

A bit of background so as not to drip feed. My parents, sister and brother all live within about 2 minutes of each other. Most of my family and longstanding family friends live within another 10 minutes. Sister has 3 children (13-10 years), brother and SIL expecting first baby early September. DH and I live 40 minutes away and are committed to living here as DH runs his own business here and needs to be local.

DS1 was born 2 weeks ago today. He is perfect and healthy and DH and I are over the moon.

When I was pregnant I spoke to my mum about having concerns about her visiting me and helping out with the baby as I knew they would have a new baby on their doorstep shortly after mine was born. I was assured there would be absolutely no favouritism and that she would have ample time to visit us and help out. We've also had a similar conversation since he was born and she promised she would help out.

Now the baby is here my mum and dad visited for the first time this weekend for a couple of hours on Friday night. This visit took a huge amount of organisation and 3 previous cancelled visits. My mum is very reluctant to visit us without my dad because she doesn't want to do the driving (it's basically one road and the trickiest part is through then town they live in which she does all the time). I have invited her here a number of times since DS has been born and she makes excuses. She has never called me since he has been born to see how we are getting on, although she will ask if I call her.

My brother's baby isn't even here yet and she is showing no interest in mine unless I am prepared to bring him to her.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 13/08/2017 07:57

I also have to say if you choose to live further away your expections have to be lower than if you live round the corner. My db lives in Cardiff and just expects my dp to travel down the 6hours to see his dd, it boils my piss because they only been down in May, saw them in April when we all went away together and now he's demanded they go down in August after they just saw here in our town a couple weeks ago. I just want to add my dp are both ill especially my DF who terminally ill. Now I'm expected to drive 6 hours with 3 dc to see them, it certainly won't be happening, we did it the once and never again. I understand your not so far away but 40 mins is 80 minutes there and back. How many times do you expect your dm to visit?

Threenme · 13/08/2017 07:59

Maybe your all just not wording it well and your mum feels a bit overwhelmed. Having both adult children visit you pre- birth to check they/ their partners will be receiving the same amount of help does sound a bit much. She will love them all the same but if you have 5 gc spread out as oppose to 3 in same house I suppose it will limit your time more. Maybe they are off somewhere worrying about upsetting you all. I do see your point op but I do think it's probably took the shine off for your parents being 'got at' a bit by you and db before babies were even born. Congrats by the way!

olderandnowiser · 13/08/2017 07:59

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. I never had the amount of help and emotional support that I craved from my mum after I had my children, although she did help for the first week. I know that all my friends were given much more help than I was ever given, when they had babies.

I never really got over the lack of help she offered me when my children were little. No big falling-out or anything, but I learned not to rely on her, practically or emotionally, and I never really felt the same about her for the rest of her life.

Underthemoonlight · 13/08/2017 07:59

Plus you DS is only two weeks and she's already visited once so I don't think she hasn't shown interest.does your dm work? How's her health? Does she have hobbies and friends?

AvoidingCallenetics · 13/08/2017 07:59

I get really pissed off when posters tell an OP that her mum doesn't owe her any help. Yes she does. Parenting is a lifetime commitment. It doesn't stop when your child turns 18 - you always owe your child love and emotional support when they need it.
Having a baby is a big deal. Hormones are all over the place, you are tired, often sore. Unsupported women are more likely to develop pnd. Why would a mum not want to help her dd through it?

In the end you cannot force it, so if this was me I would have one last stab at telling my mum that she was being a crap parent and that she was making me feel uncared for and second fiddle to sil, who isn't even her daughter. And if she didn't start putting some effort into this relationship, like a proper mum, I wouldn't be making any effort either, going forward.

Then I would just focus on my own little family. Constantly trying and getting rejected makes you feel worse, so it would be better imo to stop trying so hard.

sandgrown · 13/08/2017 08:00

I feel sorry for you OP. My mum lived 70 miles away. I still have the tear stained letter she sent me when her employers would not give her time off when DS was born. At the first opportunity she made the journey by bus and train.

AvoidingCallenetics · 13/08/2017 08:02

And 40 minutes is nothing. A lot of people drive longer than that to get to work every day.

ClinkyMonkey · 13/08/2017 08:03

Help or no help, it is always useful if grandparents will at least visit where possible. My PIL live 7 miles away (that's 7, not 17 or 70) and they rarely visit their grandchildren because we live 'in the arsehole of nowhere'. We don't ..... and it's the same (short) distance for us to travel to them! But whatever the distance, it is so exhausting in those early days doing the smallest things, that even getting all the baby's paraphernalia together for travelling can seem like climbing a mountain. So even from the point of view of the lack of a visit, I feel your pain OP. And I hate to be pessimistic, but the situation is unlikely to change when people are set in their ways.

vjg13 · 13/08/2017 08:04

I don't think the OP is desperate for "help" as much as for her Mum to show interest in the baby and be keen and excited to visit.

I think if the travelling to you is an issue, you will just need to be prepared to meet her half way or travel to her. Do try to address this with her and say how you feel thoug.

Original poster
newmum7369 · 13/08/2017 08:07

Threenme I hadn't thought about it like that. I can't speak from my brother's point of view but certainly the conversation I had with my mum was very amicable and so I wouldn't have thought she would see it as an attack on her

OP posts:
SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 13/08/2017 08:08

First of all, your mum doesn't owe you help but I know most will. I think YABU for asking her about when she is going to help though.

40 mins is a lot of driving for someone who is nervous.

You've said you've asked her to come multiple times since the baby was born but your baby is only 2 weeks old! You must be bugging her constantly!

histinyhandsarefrozen · 13/08/2017 08:09

I would feel the same as you op. Flowers

Also bemused at the 'your mum owes you nothing' attitude. It's not normal.

Congratulations on your baby, try and enjoy this time. Sometimes moments like this can reveal how limited some of our loved ones can be.

missmollyhadadolly · 13/08/2017 08:10

Doesn't SIL have her own parents?

Im guessing everyone is going to be expecting your mum to provide alot of childcare? Poor mum!

errorofjudgement · 13/08/2017 08:11

It sounds like your mum is not confident of the drive to yours- or do you think that is an excuse?
How about if you go to hers? Or pick her up and bring her back to you (then get your dad or DH to take her home later).

InvisableLobstee · 13/08/2017 08:11

I'm not a keen driver and 40mins drive is a bigger deal for me than some people. However I would make the effort for my dd if she had just had a baby and wanted me. I think with the help thing it's not fair to rely on your mum long term if its too much for her with all the GC, but she should be there for you if you really need her especially in the early days. I know a lot of MNers want peace and quiet but if someone wants a bit of company and a hand with light housework for a few weeks it's not much to ask.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 13/08/2017 08:12

You need to stop trying so hard. For whatever reason your mother isn't prioritising you and your child so you need to step away. Not visiting is one things but not phoning even every other day for a ten minute chat is absolutely unforgivable. I have a mother like this. It's heartbreaking but stepping away and learning to not need her for anything has been life changing. I am a big believer in not wasting your time trying to get people to want to spend time with you. Mother or cousin or next door neighbour. It doesn't matter.

Threenme · 13/08/2017 08:14

Oh no not an attack op I'm sure you wouldn't do anything like that just a bit overwhelming! And maybe distancing a bit from all to avoid showing favourites!

RhiWrites · 13/08/2017 08:14

Call your mum and tell her. Say "mum I was thinking about what you said the other day about reassuring SIL that you would give her the same amount of support as your own daughters. Well recently I've been feeling a bit sad not to see more of you. I don't need you to do jobs but I want you to come and see us more."

However it may not work. How bad is her anxiety with driving? It sounds as though that's a major factor.

Bumdishcloths · 13/08/2017 08:16

Lots of people saying 'poor mum' on here. Poor mum my arse! It is not unreasonable of the OP to expect her mother to be excited and show interest in her grandchild. Cancelling three visits is shit. Not calling is shit. Showing more interest in SIL is shit.

Foggymist · 13/08/2017 08:17

OP you have my utmost sympathy, my mum lives over 3 hours away and came up to me twice in the first 2 weeks, I was in hospital for the first week so she only came for support and visits, didn't even get to see her grandson. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to be expecting visits and help from your own mum Sad If mine lived only 40 mins away she'd be on my doorstep all the time Flowers

Mama234 · 13/08/2017 08:17

I think a lot of people have different perceptions on being a parent, Honestly I am a parent and I will always be there no matter how old they are.
Some people are parents and then don't bother after the child reaches adulthood (crap parents in my view)

Op you aren't wrong in your thinking, Your Mum clearly doesn't think about your feelings and doesn't have that instinct to want to be there.
She's the one missing out.

drinkingtea · 13/08/2017 08:18

Grandparents are always closer to the grandchildren they see all the time especially where there is a tendency towards a weird codependent relationship with that adult child - there often isn't really headspace for a second equally intense relationship. That's just how it is in quite a few families, and grandparents often won't see it, or will feel it has to be that way for whatever reason...

Original poster
newmum7369 · 13/08/2017 08:20

She drives locally everyday and will happily drive to their local city half an hour away. She has never driven to my house and I think it's just because it's a 'new journey' that she's nervous. I'm sure once she'd done it a few times it would be fine but surely she knows that too.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 13/08/2017 08:23

But if she doesn't want to do the drive then why should she? I'm sorry OP but no one will be as in love and delighted with your children as you are. I can count on one hand probably the number of times my mum saw DS when she lived 45 mins away. She wouldn't do the (frankly horrid) journey and I struggled to get over there. Doesn't mean they're not close. It's great for them to meet but they won't really develop a relationship with grandparents until they're older TBH.

justcanthide · 13/08/2017 08:24

It could be she is avoiding the driving and that is a bigger problem than you think.

Also I find that after the first grandchild in the family, each subsequent grandchild is greeted with less excitement than the first. If they are already involved with three grandchildren there could be an element of been there done that worn out.

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