To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

[riverotter]

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

I'd personally apologise to the friends mother and say "sorry that really out of character for him, I'll have a word" tell my son "try not to do that, it made them feel uncomfortable but if you don't want something just stand your ground calmly and politely, by repeating no thank you" the parent of your child's friend should have stepped in really and said "no mum, stop pressuring him he said no" but some people aren't that clever. to save face I'd keep it polite it'll blow over.

nowadays you can't do right from wrong. OP you are absolutely correct to teach him to say "no, I said no" so he can use it in all circumstances where he feels pressured, slamming the glass maybe no as that is their own property and makes it seem more aggressive so have a word about the glass slamming but I would definitely not tell him off for saying no, I said no, because you want him to keep that trait if a stranger pulled up in their car and told him to get in you don't want him thinking he will get in trouble for saying no to an adult. you've got to look at the bigger scheme of things, I'd ask him to apologise for slamming the glass but not for being assertive and I'd get him to explain it was because he had said no thank you numerous of times to a sandwich and really didn't want one. I'd also tell him to tell them that you've taught him to say no I said no, so they understand that he was trying to use what he had been taught.

Math
He has says no several times but the woman wouldn't take no for an answer.
She then started pushing the sandwich in his face again he said no.
In a 10yr old boy who is cornered by some adult pushing sandwiches in his face it's perfectly reasonable to assume she will try to force him to eat it.

This is a boy who has watched his mother being bullied by his dad. I would be panicing as well as to what she was going to do next.

He is not an adult he is a chikd being coerced by an adult to start eating again AFTER he had FINISHED his meal. Who the hell does that?

He believed he would be forced to eat more than one sandwich if he accepted the first one. Why?

There could be several reasons.

Previous experience.
The fact that none of the grownups stepped in. It took the other children to explain that he was vegetarian.
Or it could be it was the first time a grownup kept pushing past his "no thank you" so he had no idea what would happen next.

It wasn't him catastrophising, it was an adult escalating the situation. And it did escalate,from an offer,to pestering, to emotional blackmail , to shoving a sandwich in his face.

also the fact that your DS started to cry when it was brought up shows its been playing on his mind, he's remorseful and also possibly scared of what's to come because of his actions. this could have upset him quite a lot, I'd be more thoughtful of the child in this situation than the pushy granny

The woman did not shout him down. She strenuously offered sandwiches despite repeated responses of 'No thank you'. Why would a child believe that he would end up having to eat more than one if he accepted one?

What would you call it then if he REPEATEDLY said "no thank you" and she still kept on and on at him and completely ignoring him? The very definition of being shouted down. (I don't mean literally shouted, if that's what you think, it's a saying where someone really won't listen to the wants of others and is determined to get their own way regardless of others feelings.)
If he'd have accepted one, who's to say she wouldn't start up again after he'd finished? Should he feel obliged to take that one as well to make her feel better and to keep the peace?

Shouting down involves actual shouting.
It's not a saying that you can use to mean 'ignored'.

Imagining that he would have had to eat more than one if he had accepted one was a misreading of the situation on the part of the child. It was an example of catastrophising - he predicted a negative outcome, and he felt for some reason that eating more than one sandwich would be a disaster.

There is a lot of very black and white thinking going on in someone who has this mental habit. There needs to be lots more grey. He needs to become more aware of his emotional responses, and he needs training in putting up his own stop signs, to head himself off before he explodes. The stop signs include a few reassessments of how he thinks things are developing as he goes along.

A child whose fears snowball like that needs to have his responses examined. He needs to be trained to stop and think when he feels himself getting hot under the collar, and to ask 'What makes me think this is going to happen?' Even knowing that he has tools to fill the gap between a polite 'No thank you' and "'I SAID NO'+ dramatic gesture" may give him more confidence, which may result in less of a cascade of panic in social situations.

Did you ever decide what to do op?

Don't expect an answer.

OP your poor son! My brother was the quiet little boy at the party, he was a bit socially awkward and could vocally explode with frustration when cornered and harassed (he's now well adjusted, married with two lovely kids) people felt they could push him to do what they wanted because he was quiet. In your shoes I would tell DS I was proud of him for sticking to his guns but the slamming the glass was rude and he should apologise for that.

Is this the conclusion of SandwichGate ?